Expat divorce - return home ?

[Trinny]

I am stuck in a rut and looking for others’ opinions. I left the UK in 1998 (in my mid 20s) and have lived in both New Zealand (11 years) and Sydney (9 years & currently). After 3.5 years in NZ I met my kiwi ex-husband and we got married 2 years later.  Over the years we grew apart and became very different people and we separated 18 months ago after 15.5 years together (currently divorcing).

I have no regrets about leaving the marriage but am now finding it terribly difficult being stuck overseas on my own.  My husband and I had no kids and hung out extensively either on our own or with our couples. All my immediate family, which is fairly large, are based in Scotland and since separating I have gone back every 6 months to visit. I am still in touch with a couple of old, good friends in the UK and New Zealand. I do have a few friends in Sydney but they are mainly coupled and not really very close friends (I only came to Sydney in late 30s).

I bought a unit in Sydney 3 months ago with my equity (relatively low home loan) which I thought would help me move on, but as time goes on I feel more alone & isolated with no solid support system.  My UK based family and old friends have been very supportive & understanding, and I’m going over for a couple of weeks shortly, but I can’t help feeling more & more homesick and isolated as time goes on.  I had a health scare 6 years ago and was very sick, and whilst on amicable terms with my ex-hubs who is currently also still in Sydney, am not sure what would I would do on my own in this circumstance.

I’m in a fortunate position in that I have both Australian, NZ and British citizenship, have no ties really and am a qualified accountant with a fairly senior role.  I could rent my unit out and would only need to contribute around $7,000 a year to cover strata fees & insurance or could refinance to make it fully cashflow positive.

So my interest is really to hear from others’ who have perhaps been in this situation. I am seriously thinking of returning home to the UK as either way I have to start over & build a new life for myself.  However I am very aware that I have no UK work experience for the last 20+ years and am 46 now - the whole getting a decent job piece, is probably what scares me the most.  Also credit ratings and the like sounds problematic.

However with both my parents in their early 70s and as they get older unable to travel as much, it feels like this would be the right time to do it as I truly feel at a crossroads in my life and am increasingly feeling that I no longer really know my UK family and 4 nieces & nephews who have been born since I left.

(I should also add that I had been feeling quite isolated from my family for a number of years, even before leaving my husband)

[Marisawright]

I think you'd be mad NOT to go back.

I don't think you need to worry about being 46.   I lived in Sydney for 30 years and when I got into my late forties/fifties, I became very aware of age discrimination - but that's Sydney. It's a young person's place.  When I was living back in the UK for a while (three years ago), I found the attitude refreshingly different.   So, I'd say you wouldn't have much trouble getting a job back in the UK - the only problem you might have, is getting a job back in  Sydney if you don't settle in the UK.

If you're feeling homesick now, it's only going to get worse.  Far better to go back now, while you still have time to establish yourself.

[KZ1]

[quote So, I'd say you wouldn't have much trouble getting a job back in the UK - the only problem you might have, is getting a job back in  Sydney if you don't settle in the UK.



Absolutely spot on advice from Marisa.

[Toots]

52 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

I think you'd be mad NOT to go back.

I don't think you need to worry about being 46.   I lived in Sydney for 30 years and when I got into my late forties/fifties, I became very aware of age discrimination - but that's Sydney. It's a young person's place.  When I was living back in the UK for a while (three years ago), I found the attitude refreshingly different.   So, I'd say you wouldn't have much trouble getting a job back in the UK - the only problem you might have, is getting a job back in  Sydney if you don't settle in the UK.

If you're feeling homesick now, it's only going to get worse.  Far better to go back now, while you still have time to establish yourself.

Two of the women I worked with in Sydney had no trouble finding a new job when they left the company we worked for.  One is 52 and the other 56.  Perhaps it depends on the type of job.  They were both highly experienced PAs.  Both went to work in large companies and are appreciated and well rewarded.  

[Trinny]

Thanks for the advice. The main concern is finding a decent job. I am not sure how that would be given the Scottish job market is quite small. 

When I go back soon for a couple of weeks break I have a few meetings lined up with recruiters to get my cv reviewed and talk about the job market. The ideal would be to try and get something lined up in advance to go to but not sure how realistic this is

[Marisawright]

2 hours ago, Toots said:

Two of the women I worked with in Sydney had no trouble finding a new job when they left the company we worked for.  One is 52 and the other 56.  Perhaps it depends on the type of job.  They were both highly experienced PAs.  Both went to work in large companies and are appreciated and well rewarded.  

Definitely depends on the job.  I used to be a PA before I got into management.  It's still regarded as a "woman's job" and although some employers want the pretty face in the front office, most realise the value of experience in that role.  So I'm not entirely surprised.

If you 're in a job where you're competing with men, it's harder.  And if you're in anything to do with technology, there's an unspoken assumption that if you're older, you can't possibly be keeping up with it all.

[Marisawright]

2 hours ago, Trinny said:

Thanks for the advice. The main concern is finding a decent job. I am not sure how that would be given the Scottish job market is quite small. 

When I go back soon for a couple of weeks break I have a few meetings lined up with recruiters to get my cv reviewed and talk about the job market. The ideal would be to try and get something lined up in advance to go to but not sure how realistic this is

I guess you have to ask yourself, what's more important - being happy or getting the perfect job?  

You're an accountant.  If you can't get a job right away, stick a postcard in the supermarket or door-knock the local shops and sell your services as a bookkeeper.  Sign up with temp agencies and say you're willing to do any kind of figure work.   Sure, it means you have to go backwards financially a wee bit for a while, but you won't starve, and you'll be HOME.  

If you've got only a small mortgage in Sydney, then you've got some money behind you.  I  know it goes against our upbringing to spend some of it, but you deserve to be happy.  You've got another twenty years of working life where you can make up any money you might lose in the move.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Marisawright

[VERYSTORMY]

I would start applying for jobs from Oz. Start looking at things like indeed.co.uk 

I would also say, don't think you have to tie yourself to a particular location as one of the pluses of the U.K. Is its smaller size. We live in central Scotland, near Glasgow while family are all over the place, particularly London, but I can get to London in an hour flight for £30. So very easy for a weekend. I have often had to work as far south as Birmingham and can easily drive down on a Monday morning and back Friday evening. 

Though I would be surprised if you couldn't get a good job in Glasgow or Edinburgh both of which are booming with plenty of jobs. 

Housing is also a lot cheaper in Scotland, which is a big plus. For example, we live in a stunning little village which feels very rural but is only 18 miles from Glasgow and is very highly sought after and only pay £500 a month for a cottage. 

[Trinny]

18 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I think you'd be mad NOT to go back.

I don't think you need to worry about being 46.   I lived in Sydney for 30 years and when I got into my late forties/fifties, I became very aware of age discrimination - but that's Sydney. It's a young person's place.  When I was living back in the UK for a while (three years ago), I found the attitude refreshingly different.   So, I'd say you wouldn't have much trouble getting a job back in the UK - the only problem you might have, is getting a job back in  Sydney if you don't settle in the UK.

If you're feeling homesick now, it's only going to get worse.  Far better to go back now, while you still have time to establish yourself.

Can I ask why you think I’d be mad not to go back ? 

I’m constantly going round in circles trying to figure out what to do so interesting you think it’s so clear - although must admit I’ve been thinking on and off about returning home for at least a year. 

I feel a bit foolish for having bought my unit now but 6 months ago when I made the offer it felt right.  

[Marisawright]

10 hours ago, Trinny said:

Can I ask why you think I’d be mad not to go back ? 

I’m constantly going round in circles trying to figure out what to do so interesting you think it’s so clear - although must admit I’ve been thinking on and off about returning home for at least a year. 

I feel a bit foolish for having bought my unit now but 6 months ago when I made the offer it felt right.  

It would be a great pity if you let "feeling foolish" stop you from doing something that would make you happy.  Whilst on these forums, I've encountered several people who migrated but didn't settle, and then delayed and delayed moving back to the UK because they "felt foolish" - and as a result, they were miserable for years.  

I'm not saying you're in that boat, you're obviously not - just saying that it's important to put embarrassment aside when contemplating what to do.  If you made a mistake , you made a mistake.  You're only human! 

Why do I think you'd be mad not to go back?  Because it's the only way you can find out whether it will work or not - and being single and independent, you can afford to try it.  If you stay, you're only going to spend the next God-knows-how-long wondering.    Besides, just think how much money you're wasting, hopping back and forth - you might as well bite the bullet.  You could always rent out your Sydney place for 6 months while you see how it goes. 

[nicolesmith]

I also think you should just go back.  With your profession, I imagine you would have no trouble finding a job somewhere.   And as has already been said, you can rent out your unit in Sydney while you give it a shot in Scotland.

I just don't see that you have anything to lose.  You have a unit which you can go back to if things don't work out for you, and you don't have kids who you would be leaving behind.  And either you'll go back and love it, or you'll go back and realise it isn't for you anymore.  Either way you win, because just having peace of mind knowing you gave it a go would be an amazing thing.

I love Australia, New Zealand and the UK.  We lived in NZ for six years, and now have a house here instead.  I miss both the UK and NZ, each for different reasons, but don't really have the opportunity right now to split my time between three places!

Anyway, good luck and I hope you're able to come to a decision that you feel happy with.

[Paul1Perth]

11 hours ago, Trinny said:

Can I ask why you think I’d be mad not to go back ? 

I’m constantly going round in circles trying to figure out what to do so interesting you think it’s so clear - although must admit I’ve been thinking on and off about returning home for at least a year. 

I feel a bit foolish for having bought my unit now but 6 months ago when I made the offer it felt right.  

How do you spend your time now you're single? Do you constantly check social media, facebook etc and feel a need to keep in constant touch with your UK friends and family. I'm guessing here but if that's the case you are hardly likely to settle back into single life in Sydney. You have to get out, join a club or two, local surf club would be a start. I don't think Sydney is a young persons place more than any other. It's just another big City. There is plenty to do, places to go for all ages and you're not that old.

If you feel you can't make a go of it though yep,  move back.

[Marisawright]

32 minutes ago, Paul1Perth said:

 I don't think Sydney is a young persons place more than any other.

When I said Sydney was a young person's place, I didn't mean in terms of lifestyle. As you say, there's plenty to do in Sydney for all ages.

I was talking about job opportunities. Age discrimination is extremely common in Sydney.    To be honest, I thought the whole world was like that (because I'd been working in Sydney 30 years and hadn't tried working anywhere else during that period).   I got a surprise when I went back to the UK and found employers much more open to hiring people over 50. 

The OP was worried about getting a job if she goes to Scotland.  Based on what I saw, I don't think she'd need to worry about ageism over there.  Besides, she's only 46 and at that age, all you have to do is delete your first few jobs off your CV, don't put your date of birth or age on it, and they have no idea how old you are!

Edited July 16, 2018 by Marisawright

[Chortlepuss]

Great advice from Marisa. At 46 you’re still young enough to establish yourself in a role and there’s always a need for accountants. I work in IT in Brisbane and in my mid 50’s - always struggle to get new contracts despite excellent experience. Like Sydney, ageism is so rife in the Brisbane market. I’m frequently asked when I’m going to retire! When I was back in the UK for an extended stay, I had recruiters approach me - was pretty strange. If I was free to move I’d be back in a flash. So many good news stories coming out of Scotland from people who have moved back and reasonable cost of living . Great opportunities in Glasgow and Edinburgh. You’ve got property in one of the most expensive cities in the World as security. Go for it!

[Home and Happy]

On ‎15‎/‎07‎/‎2018 at 05:38, VERYSTORMY said:

I would start applying for jobs from Oz. Start looking at things like indeed.co.uk 

I would also say, don't think you have to tie yourself to a particular location as one of the pluses of the U.K. Is its smaller size. We live in central Scotland, near Glasgow while family are all over the place, particularly London, but I can get to London in an hour flight for £30. So very easy for a weekend. I have often had to work as far south as Birmingham and can easily drive down on a Monday morning and back Friday evening. 

Though I would be surprised if you couldn't get a good job in Glasgow or Edinburgh both of which are booming with plenty of jobs. 

Housing is also a lot cheaper in Scotland, which is a big plus. For example, we live in a stunning little village which feels very rural but is only 18 miles from Glasgow and is very highly sought after and only pay £500 a month for a cottage. 

Absolutely true..Scotland and the whole of UK is booming right now.  if you have experience, I can't see any problems in getting a decent job anywhere.  Its a good time to be in UK right now.

[Trinny]

Thanks all for the advice. I’ve just returned from a short break in the UK which was highly productive - met with several recruiters - and whilst the Glasgow / Edinburgh job market is not the same size as Sydney they were pretty positive and one recruiter even had a role I’ve thrown my hat into the ring for & should make the candidate shortlist for.

Also met with 3 old friends and spent a lot of time with family - all of which was great.

I’ve know got clarity as to what I need to do ..after arriving back at my unit and bursting into tears at being back, going home, giving it a go and renting out my unit is the answer for me. Just now to hand in my notice at work and get my affairs put in order.

thanks everyone for the advice as it was helped enormously 

[BacktoDemocracy]

On 14/7/2018 at 23:44, Trinny said:

I am stuck in a rut and looking for others’ opinions. I left the UK in 1998 (in my mid 20s) and have lived in both New Zealand (11 years) and Sydney (9 years & currently). After 3.5 years in NZ I met my kiwi ex-husband and we got married 2 years later.  Over the years we grew apart and became very different people and we separated 18 months ago after 15.5 years together (currently divorcing).

I have no regrets about leaving the marriage but am now finding it terribly difficult being stuck overseas on my own.  My husband and I had no kids and hung out extensively either on our own or with our couples. All my immediate family, which is fairly large, are based in Scotland and since separating I have gone back every 6 months to visit. I am still in touch with a couple of old, good friends in the UK and New Zealand. I do have a few friends in Sydney but they are mainly coupled and not really very close friends (I only came to Sydney in late 30s).

I bought a unit in Sydney 3 months ago with my equity (relatively low home loan) which I thought would help me move on, but as time goes on I feel more alone & isolated with no solid support system.  My UK based family and old friends have been very supportive & understanding, and I’m going over for a couple of weeks shortly, but I can’t help feeling more & more homesick and isolated as time goes on.  I had a health scare 6 years ago and was very sick, and whilst on amicable terms with my ex-hubs who is currently also still in Sydney, am not sure what would I would do on my own in this circumstance.

I’m in a fortunate position in that I have both Australian, NZ and British citizenship, have no ties really and am a qualified accountant with a fairly senior role.  I could rent my unit out and would only need to contribute around $7,000 a year to cover strata fees & insurance or could refinance to make it fully cashflow positive.

So my interest is really to hear from others’ who have perhaps been in this situation. I am seriously thinking of returning home to the UK as either way I have to start over & build a new life for myself.  However I am very aware that I have no UK work experience for the last 20+ years and am 46 now - the whole getting a decent job piece, is probably what scares me the most.  Also credit ratings and the like sounds problematic.

However with both my parents in their early 70s and as they get older unable to travel as much, it feels like this would be the right time to do it as I truly feel at a crossroads in my life and am increasingly feeling that I no longer really know my UK family and 4 nieces & nephews who have been born since I left.

(I should also add that I had been feeling quite isolated from my family for a number of years, even before leaving my husband)

Just a small practical issue, do investigate eligibility for pensions in both countries and the access ages for your super in Australia and how many years you would have to pay in for rights in the UK.

[Scousers1]

I would say go back give it a shot. I am feeling more and more isolated in OZ and its not pleasant. I am trying to figure out how to get my family back to the UK at the moment so completely understand. Go for it you have nothing to lose.

[Home and Happy]

On ‎03‎/‎08‎/‎2018 at 07:17, Scousers1 said:

I would say go back give it a shot. I am feeling more and more isolated in OZ and its not pleasant. I am trying to figure out how to get my family back to the UK at the moment so completely understand. Go for it you have nothing to lose.

It was the isolation of the whole place that drove us out in the end too.