Homesick

[ktellis]

Hi there!

I'm a Pom who's just moved here with my husband who's Australian and my little boy who's 16 months. We live in Melbourne.

We decided to give aus a o after living in London for most of my life and finding the uk increasingly difficult and with Brexit looming, thought we would give this a go for an adventure and new experiences while the bub is little. Oh and I found out that I'm pregnant! So that's quite crazy too.

 

This is the thing....... I'm waaaaaaay more homesick than I ever imagined possible. I keep having these feeling that I've buggered up my life moving here and that I'm never going to find my real friends here like I have in London. I'm finding getting work harder than I anticipated, and I'm really worried about money and life here. My son is loving it, which is great, and my husband is too. It's just me and I can't shake it. I feel so stupid for thinking it was going to be easier than it is, and I just pine to go home on pretty much a daily basis. I'm so worried that I'm going to spend my life trying to settle.....

 

So, any advice? I've been here 4 months. Does it get easier? And poms out there who can reassure me? Or say that they have had similar experiences? I really want to try and be positive. Melbourne is an awesome city and I just want to e joy it. It just all seems too hard. I will welcome any slagging off of London to help me see that we've made the right choice for now as well! Ha!!

 

Thanks very much. Hope this is the right forum for this.

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using PomsinOz

[Collie]

Congrats on the move and your pregnancy.

Look, it depends on the person, some people never settle and end up moving back.  You are an expat now and sometimes that requires you to move out of your comfort zone and make the extra effort to start building social circles etc.  Have you joined any playgroups for your son, good opportunity to meet other parents.  Have a look at meetup.com for groups with similar interests to you.  It will be a bit hit & miss but don't write it off, you could find some good new friends.  Have you joined any local clubs etc?

What I can say is that 4 months in is probably too soon to make a call.  Moving to the other side of the world is a big deal.  I have ping ponged a bit and find that it takes about 18 months to truly settle (was the same when I moved back to Dublin in 2007).  Also, it is winter now, spring, summer and autumn bring out the best in Australia.

Not working can get you down when you are looking for work.  What type of work are you looking for?  Working helps, not just financially, but socially and giving one purpose etc.  Is the issue that it is a competitive market for your skills?  Given that you will taking time off in the next 6-12 months for the pregnancy (fingers crossed), maybe this is an opportunity to do something different for while.  Maybe broaden your horizons and consider roles you normally wouldn't.  It will only be for a short time.

If you find yourself getting anxious, talk to your GP about a referral to a counsellor to help you work through the issues (funded by Medicare for PR & citizens) 

Good luck.

[Gbye grey sky]

31 minutes ago, Collie said:

Congrats on the move and your pregnancy.

Look, it depends on the person, some people never settle and end up moving back.  You are an expat now and sometimes that requires you to move out of your comfort zone and make the extra effort to start building social circles etc.  Have you joined any playgroups for your son, good opportunity to meet other parents.  Have a look at meetup.com for groups with similar interests to you.  It will be a bit hit & miss but don't write it off, you could find some good new friends.  Have you joined any local clubs etc?

What I can say is that 4 months in is probably too soon to make a call.  Moving to the other side of the world is a big deal.  I have ping ponged a bit and find that it takes about 18 months to truly settle (was the same when I moved back to Dublin in 2007).  Also, it is winter now, spring, summer and autumn bring out the best in Australia.

Not working can get you down when you are looking for work.  What type of work are you looking for?  Working helps, not just financially, but socially and giving one purpose etc.  Is the issue that it is a competitive market for your skills?  Given that you will taking time off in the next 6-12 months for the pregnancy (fingers crossed), maybe this is an opportunity to do something different for while.  Maybe broaden your horizons and consider roles you normally wouldn't.  It will only be for a short time.

If you find yourself getting anxious, talk to your GP about a referral to a counsellor to help you work through the issues (funded by Medicare for PR & citizens) 

Good luck.

All this is excellent advice.

I would also strongly recommend that you resist any temptation to wax lyrical about London to new acquaintances.  It quickly becomes a bore and can leave you out in the cold a little.

Think about if you had met an Aussie in London who kept comparing London unfavourably by comparison to Melbourne or complaining of homesickness - you would probably give them a wide berth and the same works in reverse.  Not saying that you are doing this but a positive outward outlook goes a long way (even if you are secretly having regrets).

Also, it doesn't have to be forever (I hope).  Have you and your partner discussed what will happen if you don't manage to settle?

[Luisa Cannon]

!

Edited August 8, 2017 by Luisa Cannon

[Guest]

Tend to agree with the above. All good advice IMHO. 

Your are a few months in and away from your comfort zone. And with a young child it can be even harder and in some ways more isolating. I think also that perhaps the pregnancy is adding to your niggles about your settling in to life in Aus. 

Not being able to find work is IMHO the hardest thing to cope with. It can really get you down and you can spend a lot of time in your own head dwelling on things that perhaps you'd not be worrying about if you had a job, the distraction and satisfaction of it and the social aspect it can also give you. 

I cannot see that slagging off London would help. You need to focus on what is in front of you, not what you left behind. 

I'm not sure I have confidence in your reasons to move is the one big thing for me. I'd not have migrated the other side of the world with those as my key issues and reasons for wanting to move. Perhaps you have others also you didn't mention. I think you should want to live in the other country a heck of a lot, preferably having spent some time there beforehand to size it all up and see if you could get a feel for the enormity of a move and all it may entail. Hopefully its a place you love or at least like a great deal if you plan to move there. You say you like Melbourne so that isn't part of the problem I hope. 

I'd do my best to try to get out there a bit, meet other Mums, do the playgroup networking and other things to try to find a few friendships. Accept going in that may not be long lasting or deep and meaningful but that they are at least a start and if any of them develop into something more meaningful friendship wise, great. Try not to put too much expectation on things. 

The things you are struggling with are what many new arrivals face when they arrive. We all have to get to grips with those things on some level, just some cope better than others. I think the friendship thing is probably something you need to toughen up on a little although I appreciate it might not be easy or something you can or want to achieve. Its the old looking back at what you left and comparing it to what you have right now, a few months in, which lets face it is hardly a long time when you are stacking it up against the rest of your life pretty much. Its a bit unfair on yourself there and you are pretty much in a lose lose situation if you are comparing those things. Stop comparing, try and embrace the differences, the challenges and realise that some days are going to be better than others, some will be total crap, others great. Its a bit of a rollercoaster and hopefully you'll find your feet it you allow yourself too. That you like where you are is a good starting point so build on that and work towards building those friendships and getting to know a few people. 

 

 

 

[Quoll]

Simple answer - "who knows?" 

Some people "absolutely love it" the moment they step off the plane. Others say "wtf have I done?".  What happens to either lot in 1 year, 5 years, 30 years is very much in the lap of the Gods unfortunately and there is no rationale for loving it or hating it down the track and those that love initially often find themselves on a plane home within 5 years and others that hate it to begin with settle down and are raising grandkids 40 years down the track.

First up, you're in a mixed marriage and they can be difficult even though most people would say Aussies and Poms are the same - they aren't (I have heard many times that Aussie men change when they get back to Australia- become more blokey, out with the mates and often less empathetic but thank heavens mine wasn't like that!). One of you will have everything they know, people they are familiar with and who are "theirs" and the other will have bugger all, needing to relate to new people, learn new customs etc etc. It is marginally easier imho if you don't return to their family, their friends and their haunts so that your own little family needs to rebuild your life in a new place together.

However, you've done it now and it will either work or it won't. You're probably in a bit of a pickle, looking for work and pregnant (congratulations on your impending new arrival btw!!!!) - you're not going to be a hugely attractive proposition because of that although nobody will ever tell you that directly.

So, the best thing to do is be upfront with your DH. Acknowledge that is early days and you are struggling but determined to make the best of it. Go to child centred activities and hope to make friends - they probably won't last much beyond the developmental stage of your child but they'll be ok for starters. Get some child care respite and try and join groups of adults with similar interests. If you can't get a job, look at study/volunteering or just something to get you out meeting new people in your own right.

Talk to your DH about making a decision date (say your next but one birthday) when you will sit down and talk about whether or not it is working for you and, hopefully get his commitment that if it isn't working for you he will return with you at that point (assuming he has access to visa/citizenship which will permit him to do so).  If he says no way he is going to return even if you are wandering in wrist slitting territory then, I suggest, you have a big problem which needs to be addressed through marriage guidance counselling sooner rather than later because you will never "love it" if you know that you are trapped.  So, before Decision Date you commit to working your socks off and trying to fit in and not mentioning it again.

There is nothing wrong with Britain - it's doing ok, it's another first world country. There's nothing magical about Australia nor UK. One doesn't magically have a better life or better opportunities in one or the other but both offer opportunities that many from other places would kill for.  Stay off social media - out of sight is out of mind to a degree and if you are constantly picking at the scab of a life left behind it will never heal. Try and reframe the concept of "home" - - Australia is "home" and your head should be able to accommodate that, if you can get your heart on board with the concept you will be doing ok (I never succeeded in that even after 32 largely happy years in Australia - it was only when I thought I was trapped that it became quite unbearable). 

But, if at the end of all that it really doesn't float your boat, that's OK! You are not bonkers you just "belong" somewhere else and you and your family have to work out ways that will meet all your needs. You will see, often, on here, people recommending that people (especially in mixed marriages) check out The Hague Convention before they leave and have serious discussions about "what if they hate it". The Australian Family Court will not kids leave if one parent says no.

Good Luck! You've a better than even chance that it will be ok in the end!

[ScottieGirl]

It takes at least a year to settle, you need to experience each season and the holidays to truly get a feel for a place.

What sort of work are you looking for? I think you may need to rethink this, getting a full time job as a pregnant ex pat is unlikely unless you work in a very niche field. You won't  get mat leave so will be off work anyway in a few months time. Looking for work and getting knocked back is dispiriting and will not help you settle. Have you considered volunteering? This will help you meet people.

[ktellis1]

Thanks for all your replies. 

So yes we did think long and hard about this decision. So I haven't been flippant. We also have aging parents on this side of the globe and family we haven't connected with as well as this being a great work opportunity for my husband. 

I am a classically trained professional musician. Have worked in orchestras all my professional life in London and in Europe. I took time off when I had my son and thought this was a good time to let my husband explore some new work opportunities over here so I compromised my career a bit to come here. It's the right time to do it as my work generally involves a lot of travel away and I didn't want to do too much of tht while the kids were young. So I don't resent my husband in the slightest. Just to say. My husband is incredibly supportive of me and my homesickness and we have decided a date where we take stock and see how we are feeling about this decision. He will not insist that we stay if I'm not happy. And I haven't experienced a change in him as someone on here said I might. He's still the seductive and wonderful bloke I married! So that's all good.

 

thanks so much for some of the advice. I don't talk about my homesickness with everyone. Hence why I put it up on here. Thought it would be a good avenue to get some advice. And I will keep searching for work. I have auditions this week for casual work, and applying for Music teaching jobs also. I will definitely think about the volunteer thing if I have to wait until I've got over maternity leave before working again. So that o can meet some more people. I have joined Playgroup's, met some. I've people. But just haven't clicked yet if you know what I mean? Anyway. I am being pro active. I do love Melbourne and have been here many times. It's great for the arts and both of us are artists so hopefully it's just a waiting game before I start feeling like myself. 

 

Thanks again for your replies. Really helpful.

[ktellis1]

Ha! Seductive wasn't the word I intended! Sensitive bloke was what I meant!! 

[timmybuddha]

hi

i am completely guilty of this someone said above...i am from london..wasnt allways there but eightyrs was there. I find australia completely backward and terrible and full of boguns lacks decent clubs and culture. So heaps of aussies give me a wide berth because i am now blatantly clear about it. Why?? I wasnt in the first twothree years i found australia interesting...things to see..do that were different etc. Then i got sick of australians who had never been anywhere but bali or sri lanka going on about how brilliant aus is and lucky we are...now i give it to them bAck

the only way i survive here is having alot of european friends..we gravitate to each other kind of....i have actually reached the point that i dont like australians..the accents..the constant bantering about things that lack depth...cars...boat boats...

i have to say not all aussies are like that...thank god.lots are nice...and the best are such as you and your# partner..the ones with canadian partners or euros whatever the ones who have actually seen the world....and that is not just bali!

So...good luck

homesickness never goes away if yr family are in london it seems like the woman allways returns anyway

[Guest]

20 hours ago, timmybuddha said:

Then i got sick of australians who had never been anywhere but bali or sri lanka going on about how brilliant aus is and lucky we are...now i give it to them bAck

You're obviously not mixing with the right Aussies. I have loads of Aussie friends and none of them talk about boats or cars or anything like that. Most of them have been travelling a lot - quite more adventurous than me I would say. Nothing wrong with saying you love your country. I actually like the way they are proud of this land and don't constantly put it and other fellow Aussies down all the time - constantly looking for things to moan about. Sorry, but I think if I met you I would give you a bit of a wide berth too (I'm not an Aussie by the way).

[Toots]

Just now, Ozzie said:

You're obviously not mixing with the right Aussies. I have loads of Aussie friends and none of them talk about boats or cars or anything like that. Most of them have been travelling a lot - quite more adventurous than me I would say. Nothing wrong with saying you love your country. I actually like the way they are proud of this land and don't constantly put it and other fellow Aussies down all the time - constantly looking for things to moan about. Sorry, but I think if I met you I would give you a bit of a wide berth too (I'm not an Aussie by the way).

Some people should never leave home and family.

[Perthbum]

7 minutes ago, Ozzie said:

You're obviously not mixing with the right Aussies. I have loads of Aussie friends and none of them talk about boats or cars or anything like that. Most of them have been travelling a lot - quite more adventurous than me I would say. Nothing wrong with saying you love your country. I actually like the way they are proud of this land and don't constantly put it and other fellow Aussies down all the time - constantly looking for things to moan about. Sorry, but I think if I met you I would give you a bit of a wide berth too (I'm not an Aussie by the way).

no need to be nasty mate, I agree with her that a lot of aussies bore the pants of you with their constant "i have so much more than you" but as she say there are some nicer quieter ones...just because you have been lucky enough not to have met the "loud" ones does not give you the right to shout the poster down.

 

p.s I see you are called "ozzie" so you are probably australian by birth, you must have met the ones she is on about?

Edited August 16, 2017 by Perthbum

[Toots]

48 minutes ago, Perthbum said:

no need to be nasty mate, I agree with her that a lot of aussies bore the pants of you with their constant "i have so much more than you" but as she say there are some nicer quieter ones...just because you have been lucky enough not to have met the "loud" ones does not give you the right to shout the poster down.

 

p.s I see you are called "ozzie" so you are probably australian by birth, you must have met the ones she is on about?

There are loud mouthed braggers everywhere PB.  Yes, even in the UK.  I've heard them.  I gave them a wide berth same as I do here.

[timmybuddha]

On 16/08/2017 at 16:48, Ozzie said:

You're obviously not mixing with the right Aussies. I have loads of Aussie friends and none of them talk about boats or cars or anything like that. Most of them have been travelling a lot - quite more adventurous than me I would say. Nothing wrong with saying you love your country. I actually like the way they are proud of this land and don't constantly put it and other fellow Aussies down all the time - constantly looking for things to moan about. Sorry, but I think if I met you I would give you a bit of a wide berth too (I'm not an Aussie by the way).

 

 

Well where did u find them? Not in remote locations small clicky inbred towns i guess....?

[timmybuddha]

On 8/16/2017 at 18:48, Ozzie said:

You're obviously not mixing with the right Aussies. I have loads of Aussie friends and none of them talk about boats or cars or anything like that. Most of them have been travelling a lot - quite more adventurous than me I would say. Nothing wrong with saying you love your country. I actually like the way they are proud of this land and don't constantly put it and other fellow Aussies down all the time - constantly looking for things to moan about. Sorry, but I think if I met you I would give you a bit of a wide berth too (I'm not an Aussie by the way).

Ozzie    ... just looked at yoir posts.u have been here since august this year?? Really?

Read this in two years   :-) :-)

..no offence

in london aussies are fine awesome and interesting..

.welcome to a different culture....

Edited August 17, 2017 by NickyNook
Removed line with abbreviated swear word.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, timmybuddha said:

 

If so...not being rude..but what do u know about it? ..nothing

Not being rude? What a horrible judgemental thing to say to someone, do you put people down like this in real life? That's great you took the time to read through all my posts. 

I have been to Australia 13 times. Lived and worked in two States and one Territory (accumulating over 3.5 years in total) and have been fortunate enough to meet people (Aussie's and all manner of nationalities) from all walks of life. I felt blessed to be able to live here and also my home county.  I reiterate, my Aussie friends do not talk about boats or cars and I personally have no met anyone who has. If they did, so what? Everyone has different interests. Everyone. All round this big beautiful world of ours.

My friends and I discuss politics, world events, travelling, food, sport, art, relationships and general nonsense. We swim, we walk, we dance, enjoy a cocktail or two and laugh. Our kids play. They have invited me into their homes and I reciprocated. I love their lust for life and their pride in their country. 

The person you are attracts the friends you'll have.

I'm sorry your thread was a bit off course schutzy11 and that you're feeling homesick. I hope you find your way soon. 

[Guest]

 I've split some posts out from another thread as someone posted their reply in the wrong 'Homesick' thread. So have corrected and moved. 

Please keep it civil and remember there is an OP topic and derailing a thread arguing doesn't really help them. So try to keep on track please
 

TIA

[timmybuddha]

On 08/08/2017 at 11:27, Gbye grey sky said:

 

Think about if you had met an Aussie in London who kept comparing London unfavourably by comparison to Melbourne or complaining of homesickness - you would probably give them a wide berth and the same works in reverse.  Not saying that you are doing this but a positive outward outlook goes a long way (even if you are secretly having regrets).

Also, it doesn't have to be forever (I hope).  Have you and your partner discussed what will happen if you don't manage to settle?

 

 

ThatsThat was clever snifter !!! Really sorry about that as said before...

i was referring to this..above...grey sky..

had an american friend for a while who kept being on instagram and going on about how brilliant california is.my thought were...well why are you here ? all the best to her

sorry again

Edited August 18, 2017 by timmybuddha

[Booma]

12 hours ago, timmybuddha said:

 

 

Well where did u find them? Not in remote locations small clicky inbred towns i guess....?

i grew up in london & live in a small town in oz & used to think the same way as you when i was here the first time. i dragged my husband back to london only to realise what an idiot i had been & how horrible my attitude had been to the people around me.we moved back to oz but this time i came with a different attitude & my experience this time has been the total opposite. we live in the same small town we did last time but i dropped the condescending & moaning attitude & got to know the people this time & have learned things about their very interesting & well travelled lives i never knew before because they are happy to talk to me now i'm not horrible to be around. the only difference is me. maybe you should think about the vibes you give off or do yourself & the people around you a favour & move on.

[timmybuddha]

P.s then she told me you could just walk into kmart and get a gun and i realised OMG america really is that bad !!!  :-)

[timmybuddha]

17 minutes ago, Booma said:

i grew up in london & live in a small town in oz & used to think the same way as you when i was here the first time. i dragged my husband back to london only to realise what an idiot i had been & how horrible my attitude had been to the people around me.we moved back to oz but this time i came with a different attitude & my experience this time has been the total opposite. we live in the same small town we did last time but i dropped the condescending & moaning attitude & got to know the people this time & have learned things about their very interesting & well travelled lives i never knew before because they are happy to talk to me now i'm not horrible to be around. the only difference is me. maybe you should think about the vibes you give off or do yourself & the people around you a favour & move on.

Thanx booma

had a lot of weddings in europe lately havent been bqck six years due for returning resident visa been a nz resident for 15yrs thats indefinite here they seem to want more money again... thats the situation at the moment.yeah i suffer serious homesickness now :-) i havent been clever enough to arrange going back every year or whatever got too involved in the aus lifestyle..islands diving kiting etc myself....and its bloody miles away compares to easy europe flights and flights from broome etc are ludicrous. Thanx again

Edited August 18, 2017 by timmybuddha

[timmybuddha]

Knextyear i am going to move to the gold coast or sometning...somewhere where the flignts are easier than northern w a..

[vickyplum]

No need for any slagging off of London.  It was my home for three-ish years, before moving to Australia. I lived elsewhere for longer, but still consider it 'home'. It is a wonderful city!

I have been in Australia (with my Aus partner) for just over two years.  It's only really since moving into my second job, that I have more of a friendship / acquaintance group.  I wouldn't go to them if I was in trouble, but they are there for chats, drinks, a sounding board, career advice etc!  I've been in my second job for just over three months, and am only just starting to gel with a few of my new colleagues.  I've found it quite hard this time around, but the workplace can be funny sometimes. 

After two years in Sydney, I'm only just starting to consider that perhaps remaining here is an option, rather than running off back to the UK at the earliest opportunity. But I would also be interested in returning to anothoer EU country, so will see if Brexit ends that idea. 

So please, do give it longer. Maybe chat to hubby after 12-18 months?  And enjoy Melbourne - walk around, explore, get the tram - make the most of what's on your doorstep, before making any final decision.

[writergirl74]

I feel your pain OP. I've been in Sydney for about a year. I met my boyfriend on holiday in South America and then came to visit him in Sydney and we decided to make a go of it and I moved here. He's English but has been here 20 years or so. I have been so homesick and it's really affected our relationship. I am definitely a less fun/balanced person here than in London where I have loads of friends, family etc. and having no one but him puts the pressure on. I love the outdoors though but that alone doesn't make me love it here.

I've done the usual stuff to meet people - joined a sports club (great), gym (not met anyone there) and hiking meet up groups (not bad) but still have zero real friends, just casual acquaintances. There's no one I could call to go for a beer with tonight. I find I am drawn to other Brits who just moved here but there are all 20-somethings and I'm 40. And the 20-somethings tend to leave anyway. 40-somethings tend to have kids in tow. And my boyfriend's friends...well, I have nothing in common with most of them (they seem to just like drinking and watching other people play sport). I feel like I have made a big effort initially but eventually the constant small-talk making just gets too much.

So, the plan is we return to the UK in a year. I feel like I'm making my boyfriend move although there are lots of positives to him moving back - family etc. I still have my flat in London and as a freelancer my job hasn't changed the whole time (it's just harder from here due to the time difference). We rent here and it seems like chucking (a lot of) money away and everything else is expensive too (I earn pounds). Anyway I have just been to London for two months and it was awesome, it made me realise what I gave up to live here and how the trade off (all the people I love vs nice weather and beaches) isn't worth it.

I have been back a week and still sure I want to go back to London... I just need to figure out how to survive the next 12 months. I've decided to do one thing each week to try and meet people/turn acquaintances into friends and really put myself out there. So if anyone in Sydney fancies a drink, I'm up for it.

I realise my situation isn't quite the same as you OP with a proper Aussie partner and baby but I get how you're feeling. Sorry for rambling on your thread....