robfromdublin Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 OK so the following might be a bit challenging and obviously I don't know you from Adam, but here's my read of this thread. Most people in long distance relationships live apart temporarily but then aim to get back together. You're a little different in that you've been together a long time already. It seems to me that it's not a particularly controversial thing to float: living in the country you're from for a 12 month period (ten years is a bit different). However, you describe that it is like going to prison, which is obviously ridiculous, and you dismiss his desire as a 'mid-life crisis' and 'nothing more than a feeling'. You also seem unwilling to compromise even a little bit (i.e. move to UK but not the suburb/town the part of his family you don't like is from). If he shares your thoughts that a place to live is more important than a happy marriage, and he is unhappy living in Australia, then he will up and leave. Even if he does go and then comes back will he not always know that you value Australia more than the relationship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 It's interesting that when you've been married for years you do often assume that your life partner wants what you want and you don't talk about it so when it all comes out it's a huge shock. I always assumed we would be spending significant older age time in UK because that was what I had been thinking for 20 odd years (and, for me that was what made it possible to live in Australia all that time) whereas he thought I shared his aspirations to go and live a self sufficient lifestyle in the bush, miles from anywhere. Both of us, at that stage, would have slit their wrists doing what the other aspired to - quite a shock to both of us when we actually started to talk about it. My DH couldn't even manage 4 weeks before he wanted to be on the plane leaving UK and he refused to even visit for a couple of quite significant events in our son 's life because, as he said, he would be miserable and depressed! (He has since apologised!) so you did well to manage 6 whole weeks! An adventure for a year in a long life is neither here nor there really and if a person isn't worth giving them that amount of time then you're probably wise to just chuck your relationship away. Compromise is key to any relationship and if you aren't prepared to do that then it won't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 However, you describe that it is like going to prison, which is obviously ridiculous Why is that ridiculous?! No freedom of choice. Bad food. Lack of sunshine. Dull. I would say it is going to be exactly like being in prison. (i.e. move to UK but not the suburb/town the part of his family you don't like is from) His family is fine. It is mine that I don't like. and you dismiss his desire as a 'mid-life crisis' and 'nothing more than a feeling'. Well I was making mirth about the mid-life crisis. I don't dismiss his desire at all. He was the one who described it as a "feeling" nothing more. His words; not mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 he is unhappy living in Australia, then he will up and leave. He is not unhappy in Australia. He loves it here. He just feels like a change for some reason. Even he doesn't understand why he feels like this suddenly. He won't just leave. That I know for sure. then comes back will he not always know that you value Australia more than the relationship? I doubt he will think like that. We may not have talked about the UK much. But we certainly know each other every other way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 You also seem unwilling to compromise even a little bit Yep. Totally unwilling. I have made many sacrifices in the past when required. But I am not backing down on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 An adventure for a year in a long life is neither here nor there really I had my traveling adventures in my younger days. Lived in a few different countries. Found no better place than Australia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 Interesting. So really what everyone is saying is - It seems perfectly fine for me to be : unhappy, miserable, angry, resentful, bored, fed up, irritated and foaming at the mouth for one year living back in the UK........as long as my husband is happy and contented. Bugger it. He can go back. I will stay here. There we are decision made :laugh: and fingers cross the relationship survives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robfromdublin Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Why is that ridiculous?! No freedom of choice. Bad food. Lack of sunshine. Dull. I would say it is going to be exactly like being in prison. Has the UK turned into North Korea all of a sudden? It is not a prison and describing it as such is hyperbole. Your experience of it has not been positive, but even the most one-eyed anti-Brit would have to admit that it is a democracy, has some of the world's best restaurants and offers the opportunity to do almost anything your heart desires. Sure the climate might not be as good, but that's about the only thing you've written that's factual. Fair enough if you were making mirth, we'll leave that to one side. He 'feels' like moving to the UK is about the only valid reason there is. Moving countries is usually not an objective thing, it is hugely subjective and down to an individual person. As you have so ably demonstrated with your description of the UK above. Sure, his feeling might not be as strong as yours and he may not go in the first place, but I suspect that if he does go on a temporary basis then the feeling is quite strong. It would have to be for most people to be away from their spouse for that length of time. I doubt he will think like that. We may not have talked about the UK much. But we certainly know each other every other way. He may not think like that now, but if he is weighing up staying in the UK after a temporary stint then the realisation may well dawn. Look, obviously I don't know your situation, but based on what you've said I would say that going long distance is not a good idea. It works for some people, but usually in different circumstances. For the circumstances you've laid out, if he goes then you'll have both taken quite intransigent positions and it is hard to see how a good compromise could be reached so that both of you could be happy where you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Interesting. So really what everyone is saying is - It seems perfectly fine for me to be : unhappy, miserable, angry, resentful, bored, fed up, irritated and foaming at the mouth for one year living back in the UK........as long as my husband is happy and contented. Bugger it. He can go back. I will stay here. There we are decision made :laugh: and fingers cross the relationship survives. Who said that? I think people are trying to suggest that you may be able to find some sort of compromise. I'm an Australian living in the UK. There are parts of the UK I wouldn't be caught dead in, never mind reside in. However you do get the odd civilised bit. There are parts of Europe that are okay if you need a bit of respite. Possibly you and your husband can both compromise a bit to meet in the middle. It's only a year. I'm assuming you are not dragging kids and pets with you? You are both adults, it shouldn't be too hard to reach a solution, playing with time and location. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Interesting. So really what everyone is saying is - It seems perfectly fine for me to be : unhappy, miserable, angry, resentful, bored, fed up, irritated and foaming at the mouth for one year living back in the UK........as long as my husband is happy and contented. Bugger it. He can go back. I will stay here. There we are decision made :laugh: and fingers cross the relationship survives. No I think people are saying try and find a compromise situation. It does actually sound rather selfish and petulant that for the sake of the love of your life you couldn't live with an adventure for 12 months, not even prepared to try to have a good time - chances are it will get it out of his system. If he doesn't get the chance to go with this particular feeling then you could well be consigning him to the rest of his life (not just 12 little months!) feeling increasingly unhappy, miserable, angry, bored, fed up, irritated and foaming at the mouth because, believe me, once he feels trapped (as he will be) those feelings will get significantly worse. Nobody likes jail with a life sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Interesting. So really what everyone is saying is - It seems perfectly fine for me to be : unhappy, miserable, angry, resentful, bored, fed up, irritated and foaming at the mouth for one year living back in the UK........as long as my husband is happy and contented. Bugger it. He can go back. I will stay here. There we are decision made :laugh: and fingers cross the relationship survives. Nobody has said any such thing. But I think most do not see what on earth is so bad about spending a year away and many can relate to the pull your husband feels towards the homeland, even if you cannot. Everybody is not miserable in the UK, it is not dull, it is green and beautiful, the food is great, 64 million (or whatever it is these days) are not living like they are in prison. You can travel and live somewhere else for a year and still prefer Australia you know. My husband and I think we might travel around Asia for a year when we retire. It is called an adventure, it is not turning our back on the countries we love. Stop being such a drama queen and why not try to embrace it as an opportunity to travel and explore, not just UK but Europe as well. You seem determined to be miserable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 When we got married my wife spent around 20 years in a couple try she didn't want to be in, Australia. She did it because she wanted to be with me and was happy to live in a country she didn't want to live in. As it happens it is me that over the years has fallen in love with England and in effect out of love with Australia. I'm a bit bemused by your reaction to the mere thought of living in this beautiful country for an insignificant 12 months. This country has so much going for it but you seem totally unwilling or unable to see any good. My person feeling is your marriage is not as strong as you seem to imagine it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Nobody has said any such thing. But I think most do not see what on earth is so bad about spending a year away and many can relate to the pull your husband feels towards the homeland, even if you cannot. Everybody is not miserable in the UK, it is not dull, it is green and beautiful, the food is great, 64 million (or whatever it is these days) are not living like they are in prison. You can travel and live somewhere else for a year and still prefer Australia you know. My husband and I think we might travel around Asia for a year when we retire. It is called an adventure, it is not turning our back on the countries we love. Stop being such a drama queen and why not try to embrace it as an opportunity to travel and explore, not just UK but Europe as well. You seem determined to be miserable. Its like a teenager who will cut off their nose to spite their face. As you say the food here is great and very far from dull but if you convince yourself it's true then it makes life easier in your own mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jilldesp Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Nobody has said any such thing. But I think most do not see what on earth is so bad about spending a year away and many can relate to the pull your husband feels towards the homeland, even if you cannot. Everybody is not miserable in the UK, it is not dull, it is green and beautiful, the food is great, 64 million (or whatever it is these days) are not living like they are in prison. You can travel and live somewhere else for a year and still prefer Australia you know. My husband and I think we might travel around Asia for a year when we retire. It is called an adventure, it is not turning our back on the countries we love. Stop being such a drama queen and why not try to embrace it as an opportunity to travel and explore, not just UK but Europe as well. You seem determined to be miserable. I agree with Bungo. Do you not realise that as people get older they are sometimes drawn back to their roots? It's very common and maybe your husband just wants to feel part of his heritage again and spend time with extended family; what's wrong with that?! If your marriage is so amazing, perfect and loved up then it's odd that you would want to be apart for so long and won't condone to compromise! I am having to return to the uk because of the poor job market here. Do I want to go back? No I don't but I have kids and a husband to consider, as it's not all about me! You will always have OZ! And I'm not being funny, the UK is not as awful as you make out. Yes the weather isn't always great but there are beautiful parts for you to explore; just throw a coat on. I love Sydney but I have driven around areas that are s..t holes! And experienced many many grey, wet days there as well. Tell your husband that you will go with him but refuse to live too close to the family. Is it really the worst thing that could happen in your life? I think you need to politely get a grip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warren&liz Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Yes I am 100% committed to him. I love him deeply. And we have had a very happy faithful marriage for the past 30 years. But overall I dislike the UK, and simply shudder at the thought of living there again. Especially so close to our family and friends; who I find suffocating in their views. So should I go for one year to make him happy....... knowing full well I will be unhappy, miserable and possible resentful. It will be like going to prison for one year. . Doesn't sound like you are considering his feelings at all. Maybe he is feeling imprisoned here. He is only asking for 1 years parole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 When we got married my wife spent around 20 years in a couple try she didn't want to be in, Australia. She did it because she wanted to be with me and was happy to live in a country she didn't want to live in. As it happens it is me that over the years has fallen in love with England and in effect out of love with Australia. I'm a bit bemused by your reaction to the mere thought of living in this beautiful country for an insignificant 12 months. This country has so much going for it but you seem totally unwilling or unable to see any good. My person feeling is your marriage is not as strong as you seem to imagine it is. Damn autocorrect, obviously it should have read country not couple try lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Damn autocorrect, obviously it should have read country not couple try lol You seriously need to sort out your spell checker. I have noticed mine doing weird things too. Have you thought about a different browser? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 This is the best browser, just occasionally it has a weird brain fart. I just need to proof read first I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Why is that ridiculous?! No freedom of choice. Bad food. Lack of sunshine. Dull. I would say it is going to be exactly like being in prison. His family is fine. It is mine that I don't like. Well I was making mirth about the mid-life crisis. I don't dismiss his desire at all. He was the one who described it as a "feeling" nothing more. His words; not mine. FWIW the UK is not as awful as you describe but as you really loathe the place and are truly content with your current circumstances (whether or not you are living alone) then clearly you should stay put. I suspect you are hoping to call his bluff and he won't go through with this and risk the marriage or, if not, then he will return in a few days/weeks with his proverbial tail between his legs. And you may well be right. I suspect there may be a festering resentment there if that happens though. Whether or not he actually goes through with this it seems unlikely that life will ever be the way that it was for both of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Has the UK turned into North Korea all of a sudden? No not all of a sudden. Always been like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Stop being such a drama queen How is me not wanting to leave my happy life here, being a drama queen ??!! why not try to embrace it as an opportunity to travel and explore, Because I have traveled all over the world in my younger days, and do not want the opportunity to travel and explore again. You seem determined to be miserable. No. I am a very happy and positive person. I will only be miserable if I have to live in England again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 No not all of a sudden. Always been like it. Now that's just daft! Which area are you from? I may have chosen to live in Australia for the rest of my days but the UK is on the whole a lovely place and I always enjoy my visits. Still kept in touch with all my old pals who have done well there and are very happy. All in all the UK is a fab country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Now that's just daft! Err well it WAS a joke. It was meant to be daft. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 but the UK is on the whole a lovely place I don't think so. I always enjoy my visits. Good for you. I don't. All in all the UK is a fab country. Disagree If it was that fab; I would never have left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooBooBear Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 FWIW the UK is not as awful as you describe but as you really loathe the place and are truly content with your current circumstances (whether or not you are living alone) then clearly you should stay put. In my opinion, the UK is as awful as I describe. then clearly you should stay put. Yes I know I should stay put. That is what I have decided. Thought I made that clear in my first few posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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