thelaurakate Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I honestly have that catch 22 feeling everyday. Amazing life down under or family back in uk?? Been here 6 years this year and love it, hopefully will have PR soon ( hopefully weeks away now- have been waiting for 6 months! ) then going for my Passport. But honestly does this feeling ever go? I feel selfish for being so far away and the thought that my family wont be around forever is horrible but how do you decide where to live? In a weird way I wish I hadn't left and I wouldn't know any different. But will that day ever come where im ready to say goodbye to my amazing friends and the beach lifestyle? Any advice? or experiences? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
handsomewill Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 theres no right answer laura, its a hard decision! I'm in a similar boat to you in that ive been here 6 years - although I'm not overly hung up on searing sunshine or beaches, ive had my fill of those. sand in the bed is overrated. I'm actually longing for home now and something different. I never used to miss family all that much as I was too busy 'proving myself' in Sydney. now I'm a bit older, I know parents are getting noticeably older everytime I return, I know id feel guilty if I didn't go back soon. i am waiting on my citizenship ceremony at the moment and i guess now the bad parts of Sydney have started to outweigh the good. yes, sun, beaches, great coffee and the feeling of adventure are being cloaked by resentment at the price (of everything), the isolation, transiency (a lot of mates have left Sydney in my case) and living an almost 'student' lifestyle (small flat, little room) in the east of Sydney despite being on $120k+. I'm craving something i cant get here - connection, family, feeling at home, mates - sounds as though you are still in a place where youre enjoying it. get your citizenship first, then plan your next step. that has been my plan all along and the timing should coincide with me ready to leave a great adventure and memories before i get truly fed up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 The expat curse! We've been here for 7 years this month, and I still have spells of feeling guilty/unsettled and wonder if we should go back. And I absolutely know the feeling of 'I wish we'd never...' despite us being happy here. Every time we say goodbye to family, whether it be here in Sydney or in the UK, is worse than the time before. We never moved here for the beach lifestyle really. OH was offered a great job, and it suited us at the time because our kids were very small and easy to move. Of course, now they aren't so small and easy to move and have become enmeshed with life here in Australia. So for me, this is it. It isn't about making the best of it, I truly do love living here, but the choice has been taken away from me with having an OH and kids who would never give up what we have here in Australia. Whatever decision you make will be the right one at the time you make it. You'll never really know how the other possibility would have turned out. Stay for a while, get your citizenship, and then if you still want to move back you will always have an open door here, which is quite a privileged position to be in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 In essence it is simple, you live where you are most happy - neither place will give you a perfect life so which is closest? I guess the dilemma starts when it's a close call. On the whole I don't think moving make because you miss family & friends is a good idea - we tend to romanticise what we had and focus on the high days and holidays when in reality for most people those memories are a tiny percentage of their old life and quite soon the life they lleft behind is equally romanticised. Yes my family were a factor in moving back but it was the final piece in the jigsaw - my son and parents crying when we were going back after a holiday and it dawnwd on me that there was nothing whatsoever better about our life in Australia and it was causing hurt for us to stay. I think we had already moved from 'Australia is no better' to 'we like the UK better' and it was just it needed a push from others to face the upheaval again. We weren't unhappy in Australia but it wasn't where we could be 'most happy'. If your life is better in Australia & your post suggests it is, then you need to accept it comes at a price. There may come a point when it isn't any more or the price is too high to pay but as others have said once you have dual citizenship then you no longer have to make 'forever' decisions. When we moved back I had no idea if it would be for a year or for good - now I can't imagine ever wanting to leave again but if i feel differently in the future I can - if my son was to move back (because kids being what they are after 5 years of hating Australia he feels differently now!!! ) then living in Australia could make me 'most happy' in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelaurakate Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 It Is mad how you get abit over the sun and heat. Probably wont be saying that when im in the depths of UK winter! But then we have Xmas:) honestly feel like I haven't had a xmas in years! That's my biggest fear that one day my mum will look old and ive missed out on years with her. Although she is incredibly supportive and tells me to keep living that dream. Totally agree with you on the price of everything! I feel like I live month to month here which by my age should not be the case (29) Friends wise I feel I have far better people in my life here, they have become my family and I cant imagine leaving them. Would I have as much in common with friends in the UK now we have taken such different paths. God it is so hard! Congrats that your so close to citizenship. I am a long way off that yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 If your life is better in Aus then stay there and pay the price. There is always a cost to living! At 29 I left UK and didn't give it a backward glance for the next 20 years TBH. I have the capacity for great selfishness and that is what you need to be happy with your decision to live on the other side of the world. Get your citizenship and you can come and go as the need arises. If you find (as you may well if my acquaintances of very long term expats are anything to go by) that Australia isn't floating your boat any more, then move on, assuming you still have the freedom to do so (family, finances etc). Of my mates, I'd say the 30 yr mark is the "OMG I'm stuck here" point - only one of my 30+ yr expat friends would never go back to UK but she came from Manchester. The others all tell me how envious they are that I've moved back. Your mum is going to get old, we'd all do. If she's missing out on grandkids then that's hard but we do it - grandparenting by Skype is crap but we do it and we can be selfish too! I'd never expect my kids to hang around for me. I don't get this "living the dream" thing though - live where YOUR life is better for YOU and adjust accordingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 If your life is better in Aus then stay there and pay the price. There is always a cost to living! At 29 I left UK and didn't give it a backward glance for the next 20 years TBH. I have the capacity for great selfishness and that is what you need to be happy with your decision to live on the other side of the world. Get your citizenship and you can come and go as the need arises. If you find (as you may well if my acquaintances of very long term expats are anything to go by) that Australia isn't floating your boat any more, then move on, assuming you still have the freedom to do so (family, finances etc). Of my mates, I'd say the 30 yr mark is the "OMG I'm stuck here" point - only one of my 30+ yr expat friends would never go back to UK but she came from Manchester. The others all tell me how envious they are that I've moved back. Your mum is going to get old, we'd all do. If she's missing out on grandkids then that's hard but we do it - grandparenting by Skype is crap but we do it and we can be selfish too! I'd never expect my kids to hang around for me. I don't get this "living the dream" thing though - live where YOUR life is better for YOU and adjust accordingly. That didn't happen to me but perhaps it's because I have never felt stuck. I am lucky in that I've always been able to go back to the UK often and for the past 20 years I have no close family left. I have one sister and we have never been really close - probably the 5 year age difference and the fact I left home at 16 and she was 11 at the time we never really bonded very much. She is coming here this year though and I stayed with her for 10 days when I was in the UK last year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 In essence it is simple, you live where you are most happy - neither place will give you a perfect life so which is closest? I guess the dilemma starts when it's a close call. If your life is better in Australia & your post suggests it is, then you need to accept it comes at a price. There may come a point when it isn't any more or the price is too high to pay but as others have said once you have dual citizenship then you no longer have to make 'forever' decisions. Love this snipet of advice and after almost 10 years here with no plans or 'wants' to ever move back, i do totally agree. Migrating does comes at a price and you will always have pangs of guilt about leaving family behind. I still get that twinge when my kids ask about who their cousins are and Auntys etc.I don't think those feelings can ever go away, you just learn to deal with them. Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 In essence it is simple, you live where you are most happy - neither place will give you a perfect life so which is closest? I guess the dilemma starts when it's a close call. Exactly this. I feel like I am stuck with a foot in two different countries. I am both happy here and mindful of what we could have in the UK(in terms of family), and so I have the impossible choice. It is a close call. We had a great life in the UK and we have a great life here. I worry about saying things like that sometimes, because I am so lucky to have the choice. I almost feel like I am telling people that my diamond shoes are too tight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Exactly this. I feel like I am stuck with a foot in two different countries. I am both happy here and mindful of what we could have in the UK(in terms of family), and so I have the impossible choice. It is a close call. We had a great life in the UK and we have a great life here. I worry about saying things like that sometimes, because I am so lucky to have the choice. I almost feel like I am telling people that my diamond shoes are too tight! Before we headed off to Australia I had a friend marry an American and move to the US and another migrate to Canada. I thought how lucky they were and only saw the positives in their letters, that became emails that became Facebook updates. It was only when I migrated and as in my nature shared the rough with the smooth that both messaged me to talk about the 'homesickness' that never goes. I kind of which they'd told me first!! It was very easy for me, our life in Perth hadn't turned out that great - financially we were much worse off and my son & I were both diagnosed with serious chronic illnesses. Work was much as muchness and finances made me feel trapped plus my son stubbornly refused to let go of Scotland and was hell bent on returning as soon as he could so although life was well, just life and the stuff that we went through could have easily happened in the UK - my son's condition is genetic so definitely can't blame Australia for that!! And I'm the expert at poor housing decisions I am actually grateful now our life was as tough as it was, if it had been a little better we might not have moved back and life now feels SO good, even though it is pretty much the same as the life we left! Had we stayed in Perth though things would have sorted themselves though and I have had the odd 'maybe we should have given it another year' moments! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 It Is mad how you get abit over the sun and heat. Probably wont be saying that when im in the depths of UK winter! But then we have Xmas:) honestly feel like I haven't had a xmas in years! That's my biggest fear that one day my mum will look old and ive missed out on years with her. Although she is incredibly supportive and tells me to keep living that dream. Totally agree with you on the price of everything! I feel like I live month to month here which by my age should not be the case (29) Friends wise I feel I have far better people in my life here, they have become my family and I cant imagine leaving them. Would I have as much in common with friends in the UK now we have taken such different paths. God it is so hard! Congrats that your so close to citizenship. I am a long way off that yet Ahhh preparing to get on the emotional roller coaster are we ? ...i am back here in the u.k ,and it ain't was . Once your parents get older ,you end up looking after them to some degree or other . GUILT OR REGRET ...the choice is yours . If you have an ounce of humanity ,you will feel immense guilt ,if they pass away and you haven't done your bit OR regret that you lived your life with one arm tied behind your back ,fulfilling responsibilities. It ain't easy. I opted for the selfless route . Quoll stated on here many times ,that to succeed in oz you have to be single minded and selfish ....how true . I can do the single minded but not the selfish ,so iam buggered Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Before we headed off to Australia I had a friend marry an American and move to the US and another migrate to Canada. I thought how lucky they were and only saw the positives in their letters, that became emails that became Facebook updates. It was only when I migrated and as in my nature shared the rough with the smooth that both messaged me to talk about the 'homesickness' that never goes. I kind of which they'd told me first!! It was very easy for me, our life in Perth hadn't turned out that great - financially we were much worse off and my son & I were both diagnosed with serious chronic illnesses. Work was much as muchness and finances made me feel trapped plus my son stubbornly refused to let go of Scotland and was hell bent on returning as soon as he could so although life was well, just life and the stuff that we went through could have easily happened in the UK - my son's condition is genetic so definitely can't blame Australia for that!! And I'm the expert at poor housing decisions I am actually grateful now our life was as tough as it was, if it had been a little better we might not have moved back and life now feels SO good, even though it is pretty much the same as the life we left! Had we stayed in Perth though things would have sorted themselves though and I have had the odd 'maybe we should have given it another year' moments! A new family moved into the house at the end of our cul-de-sac a few months ago, and I've made friends with the mum who is about my age. They are originally from Wisconsin, lived in the UK for a few years (seven I think) where their eldest was born, and now they live here where their youngest was born. We were talking about this the other day. We are so lucky to have the option to live in two (in her case three) fantastic countries, and could have an equally wonderful life in each. However, the pay-off is that there is always this feeling of being torn between two (or three) places. I wouldn't exactly describe it as homesickness in my case, but I wouldn't know what else to describe it as. If we went back to the UK I'd be feeling exactly the same way about Australia. In a way, I think it may well be easier to have a better and a worse, rather than two equals, if that makes sense, but I feel like a spoilt brat for even mentioning it most of the time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelaurakate Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Love this snipet of advice and after almost 10 years here with no plans or 'wants' to ever move back, i do totally agree. Migrating does comes at a price and you will always have pangs of guilt about leaving family behind. I still get that twinge when my kids ask about who their cousins are and Auntys etc.I don't think those feelings can ever go away, you just learn to deal with them. Cal x I guess when the day comes for children that might be a decision maker. My best friend here and her partner (both English) have a little girl. I help them as much as possible as they have no grandparents/ aunties uncles etc to help them. I can not imagine having children being so far away from my mum. Its so crazy you only have one life so make the best of it but at the price of being so far away from your family. Also you only have one family..... hmmmm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelaurakate Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Ahhh preparing to get on the emotional roller coaster are we ? ...i am back here in the u.k ,and it ain't was .Once your parents get older ,you end up looking after them to some degree or other . GUILT OR REGRET ...the choice is yours . If you have an ounce of humanity ,you will feel immense guilt ,if they pass away and you haven't done your bit OR regret that you lived your life with one arm tied behind your back ,fulfilling responsibilities. It ain't easy. I opted for the selfless route . Quoll stated on here many times ,that to succeed in oz you have to be single minded and selfish ....how true . I can do the single minded but not the selfish ,so iam buggered Hi how long did you spend in oz? how long have you been back in the UK? my god if anything happened to my mum I would move back in a heartbeat no contest. so you moved back for family? find everyones experience's very interesting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Croft Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Been looking at this with interest. My parents aren't getting any younger, but I just worked out they were living abroad for all bar one of their parents passing away. They made their decision to look to the future, to my sister than I, than to the past, to the previous generation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Hi how long did you spend in oz? how long have you been back in the UK? my god if anything happened to my mum I would move back in a heartbeat no contest. so you moved back for family? find everyones experience's very interesting You don't know the half of it ......iam one of three siblings ...iam the youngest . The other 2 are in Australia .... Mom and dad had 6 grandchildren ....ALL in Australia ...it didn't sit well with me ....i came back on holiday with my only child ,and I Sa the effect it had on her 4 grandparents . That was 20 years ago .....we had been in oz for 6 years . There is now only one grand parent left ...my mom . The anger and contempt I feel for my 2 siblings ,I couldn't put into words . My wife ,god bless has carried the load ....3 -4 phone calls a day ...sorting out stuff ...doctors ...advice ...all while trying to run a business . It came to a head over Xmas ,when I cut all ties with my siblings ,permanently . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Hi how long did you spend in oz? how long have you been back in the UK? my god if anything happened to my mum I would move back in a heartbeat no contest. so you moved back for family? find everyones experience's very interesting It's one of the big risks of emigrating. If you're young and single, you can say to yourself "I'm going to enjoy life in Oz but if Mum starts to get old and infirm, I'll move back and care for her." But then time goes by - what happens if you meet and marry an Aussie? What happens when Mum takes ill and HE doesn't want to leave HIS aging Mum either? What happens if you have Aussie kids who are at a crucial point in their education? What will you do, go home alone and leave your family to cope on its own? What if your Mum's illness drags on for years and years? I know a lot of people will dismiss that as worrying about something that may never happen - but everyone gets old one day, and although we're all living longer, most people still spend the last few years of life in poor health. So it will happen at some point and it's silly to pretend otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I'd like to chip in. Back after 9 years and loving it. SO absolutely glad to be here with my family. Sometimes fate lends a hand and shoves you one way or another. Kids swing it; doesn't sound like you have them but they change EVERYTHING as a migrant in ways you cannot yet imagine. It's one thing being so far away on your own but with a kid, seeing them miss out on family, guilt doesn't even cover it. Another thing is; illness and death. For example, last year i had a very close family member drop down dead at 48. That was a massive slap in the face- i'd already considered this with my parents, but, experiencing this SO far away was torture and made it so much worse. And, biggest ever lesson in human beings not being immortal, being fragile and none of us knowing when our time is up. I'm home. One family member is very sick and i am able to provide hands on support. Parents- so much older than when i migrated. Friends- slowly losing parents and one a sibling through cancer, but, I am here for them. I didn't mind leaving Australia anyway, I was over it by the end. It's just another place. Sure, i left friends there too. Either way, you lose, You also gain though. Absolutely could not live with regret. The time may well come when i am ready to go again. But the glow i get being with friends and family makes me much happier than I ever was there. Just my experience. We don't have all the time in the world. We really don't. It's cheesy but love is all we got in the end. Got lots of it here. Good luck! Ps. Winter was delightful and i loved it. the seasons amazed me, it wasn't actually that bad, and the days are getting longer and Spring is almost here. i think we build up winter to being worse than it is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
handsomewill Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 really well worded thinker. I think a lot of people on here are chasing a place where everything is in place, when reality is so different. there is no right answer, only your own opinion and ultimate action as to where you go. someone said on here that we idealise and make Australia seem better than it is and portray the UK to be so much worse. I think this is often the case with people stuck in oz justifying their lot. the reality is a lot more balanced. I love Australia, had 6 years here. its a great place but also has its downsides, lots of them. its the same with home. I'm in the camp where Ive started to place value on quality of friendships and also family time. my parents are in good health, I enjoy spending time with my family, so its logical i'd head home after I get my passport. I enjoy the sunshine and walking on the beach in my shorts and partying on Sydney harbour on a boat, I also love walking the dog in the snow wrapped up and heading to the local with my dad. wow that was waffle! ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 really well worded thinker. I think a lot of people on here are chasing a place where everything is in place, when reality is so different. there is no right answer, only your own opinion and ultimate action as to where you go. someone said on here that we idealise and make Australia seem better than it is and portray the UK to be so much worse. I think this is often the case with people stuck in oz justifying their lot. the reality is a lot more balanced. I love Australia, had 6 years here. its a great place but also has its downsides, lots of them. its the same with home. I'm in the camp where Ive started to place value on quality of friendships and also family time. my parents are in good health, I enjoy spending time with my family, so its logical i'd head home after I get my passport. I enjoy the sunshine and walking on the beach in my shorts and partying on Sydney harbour on a boat, I also love walking the dog in the snow wrapped up and heading to the local with my dad. wow that was waffle! ha! It depends very much where you live in either country. I came from a lovely part of Scotland and I can't honestly think of a downside there except not very much work for young people. I have now moved to a lovely part of Australia (after living over 30 years on the mainland) away from draining heat and a place where there are four proper seasons. Most of my family in the UK are long gone so I feel I have no ties now to the UK. This place is home to me now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grada Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I'd like to chip in. Back after 9 years and loving it. SO absolutely glad to be here with my family. Sometimes fate lends a hand and shoves you one way or another. Kids swing it; doesn't sound like you have them but they change EVERYTHING as a migrant in ways you cannot yet imagine. It's one thing being so far away on your own but with a kid, seeing them miss out on family, guilt doesn't even cover it. Another thing is; illness and death. For example, last year i had a very close family member drop down dead at 48. That was a massive slap in the face- i'd already considered this with my parents, but, experiencing this SO far away was torture and made it so much worse. And, biggest ever lesson in human beings not being immortal, being fragile and none of us knowing when our time is up. I'm home. One family member is very sick and i am able to provide hands on support. Parents- so much older than when i migrated. Friends- slowly losing parents and one a sibling through cancer, but, I am here for them. I didn't mind leaving Australia anyway, I was over it by the end. It's just another place. Sure, i left friends there too. Either way, you lose, You also gain though. Absolutely could not live with regret. The time may well come when i am ready to go again. But the glow i get being with friends and family makes me much happier than I ever was there. Just my experience. We don't have all the time in the world. We really don't. It's cheesy but love is all we got in the end. Got lots of it here. Good luck! Ps. Winter was delightful and i loved it. the seasons amazed me, it wasn't actually that bad, and the days are getting longer and Spring is almost here. i think we build up winter to being worse than it is! Love this post, very well worded, and echo's my own sentiment exactly. I think about my close family and friends every day, and while it's not my only motivation for moving back, its certainly a biggie. For me I think I have got to the point where my own homesickess, I can feel it physically, like really sick, dizzy, and cannot concentrate because of it. Thats when you know I think, and have to do something about it. Having a family and children to think about here, also needs to take priority, so their needs count also more than mine. Life is a complex interwoven mesh of friends, family, finances, careers, and joyful or tough experiences. Migration (for many of us) can put a strain on that already fragile network. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Croft Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 It's one of the big risks of emigrating. If you're young and single, you can say to yourself "I'm going to enjoy life in Oz but if Mum starts to get old and infirm, I'll move back and care for her." But then time goes by - what happens if you meet and marry an Aussie? What happens when Mum takes ill and HE doesn't want to leave HIS aging Mum either? What happens if you have Aussie kids who are at a crucial point in their education? What will you do, go home alone and leave your family to cope on its own? What if your Mum's illness drags on for years and years? I've been considering your and others post. The point has been made that in the past it was a one way trip. You had no option to to go back. My parents spent virtually their entire working lives as expats (and still do travel extensively in the 70s as my Dad keeps on getting contracts in the Middle and Far East). They took me abroad in 1970, pre the UK entry into the EC. At one point we were living in the near Marseille - 1972 and a two year waiting list for a landline. No TGV. No Autoroute. It was almost a different continent let alone country from northern France. It took several days for word to get to my Dad, by telegram, that his Father had died in the UK, then several more days to get a flight back (air travel was nowhere near as pervasive). You had to book international phone calls with the operator and often even then you'd be connected to the wrong number. My childhood was spent remote from our family so, to me, our move to Australia is almost normal. Even when we were living in the UK our family lived all over, so it was actually difficult to visit and the only time we got together was for Weddings and Funerals. Compared to my childhood communication with relatives on the other side of the world is orders of magnitude easier, and flights are regular and relatively inexpensive. A quick look on Skyscanner gives me plenty of flights leaving over the next few hours back to the UK in the low $900 range (one way), and in the high $1600s if I'm prepared to book a return on a definite date. This is incredibly cheap by comparison (and considering the distance) and relatively plentiful. The issue of course is if your parents require ongoing care. Fortunately for my parents there were siblings who lived close to their parents to be able to provide that kind of support. For me, my sister, at 41, still lives at home (and shows zero inclination of leaving) so it'll be down to her. The bigger worry is my mother-in-law who in 1998 chose to move to a remote part of southern Spain with her partner who has since died. It was that which opened our eyes to how different the Spanish healthcare and legal system is, and how mercenary many locals and expat Brits can be when someone dies. We have had to say that it is her choice to be there and hopefully she has put in provision to take care of herself if she does get poorly. Unfortunately she is a soft touch for animals and hard luck stories and has a near menagerie at her rented property. We have tried to convince her to come to Australia (she absolutely refuses to go back to the UK) but she won't leave without her animals and that would be prohibitively expensive (horses, dogs, cats, ducks, chickens etc etc). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 It's one of the big risks of emigrating. If you're young and single, you can say to yourself "I'm going to enjoy life in Oz but if Mum starts to get old and infirm, I'll move back and care for her." But then time goes by - what happens if you meet and marry an Aussie? What happens when Mum takes ill and HE doesn't want to leave HIS aging Mum either? What happens if you have Aussie kids who are at a crucial point in their education? What will you do, go home alone and leave your family to cope on its own? What if your Mum's illness drags on for years and years? I know a lot of people will dismiss that as worrying about something that may never happen - but everyone gets old one day, and although we're all living longer, most people still spend the last few years of life in poor health. So it will happen at some point and it's silly to pretend otherwise. We cannot put out lives on hold though for "what ifs" often its our lives that are taken younger and our own family who becomes ill. Old age is old age and yes people need care, however in my experience the less family are around the more care they get and appreciate. We also become old and have old parents that has happened to me. My mum still kicking along 96 thinks I can do everything for her and I can't as I am older too. I lived away from family from about the age of 11 as I went to boarding school, so easy transition to living on my own and not needing family around. We make people dependent on us and that is wrong we need to encourage independence. I certainly do not want my children looking after me, they have their own lives. I give my mum the minimum couple of hours on a Saturday and put her bin out on a Wednesday. She did not look after her parents her sisters did so I see no reason why I should be expected to look after her. She will be 97 in April and has lived with heart failure since mid eighties so it just shows that independence keeps people alive. The question is ask your parents what they want. I certainly did not have children with the thought that they would look after me in my old age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Croft Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 We cannot put out lives on hold though for "what ifs" often its our lives that are taken younger and our own family who becomes ill. Old age is old age and yes people need care, however in my experience the less family are around the more care they get and appreciate. We also become old and have old parents that has happened to me. My mum still kicking along 96 thinks I can do everything for her and I can't as I am older too. I lived away from family from about the age of 11 as I went to boarding school, so easy transition to living on my own and not needing family around. We make people dependent on us and that is wrong we need to encourage independence. I certainly do not want my children looking after me, they have their own lives. I give my mum the minimum couple of hours on a Saturday and put her bin out on a Wednesday. She did not look after her parents her sisters did so I see no reason why I should be expected to look after her. She will be 97 in April and has lived with heart failure since mid eighties so it just shows that independence keeps people alive. The question is ask your parents what they want. I certainly did not have children with the thought that they would look after me in my old age. My parents-in-law were going to emigrate to Canada when they were young in the late 60s. His mother fell 'ill', and they decided to stay to look after her. She lived for another 40 years. I've heard other stories like this and I sometimes wonder, and please don't think I believe this is the situation in the majority of cases, if there is a touch of emotional blackmail going on. Perhaps I'm being too harsh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 We cannot put out lives on hold though for "what ifs" often its our lives that are taken younger and our own family who becomes ill. Old age is old age and yes people need care, however in my experience the less family are around the more care they get and appreciate. We also become old and have old parents that has happened to me. My mum still kicking along 96 thinks I can do everything for her and I can't as I am older too. I lived away from family from about the age of 11 as I went to boarding school, so easy transition to living on my own and not needing family around. We make people dependent on us and that is wrong we need to encourage independence. I certainly do not want my children looking after me, they have their own lives. I give my mum the minimum couple of hours on a Saturday and put her bin out on a Wednesday. She did not look after her parents her sisters did so I see no reason why I should be expected to look after her. She will be 97 in April and has lived with heart failure since mid eighties so it just shows that independence keeps people alive. The question is ask your parents what they want. I certainly did not have children with the thought that they would look after me in my old age. I don’t think there is a right way and wrong way to feel about family. For some it is relatively easy to put their own wants and needs before those of parents or other family members. For others it is not that simple, but how independent we expect others to be will depend to some extent on the closeness of ties and the degree of shared emotional dependency. Tbh I don’t think many people have children as an insurance policy for old age, I certainly don’t know anyone who fits that category. But there are many cultures where the elderly are not considered a burden. Their frailties in old age are accepted as part of life’s cycle and younger more able family members are happy to provide the necessary support, not expecting the state or paid carers to do so in their place. That isn’t the wrong way to do things, any more than it is the only way, or even the right way for everyone else. As with so many things on PIO, one size does not fit all. T x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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