Homesick? Depression? Or anxiety? Why is the grass always greener?

[Hoddie32]

Hi,

 

 

I'm new to the forum and just looking for some advice or similar stories to help me out. I originally moved to Melbourne from leafy Surrey in September 2013, so it's been about two years. I moved originally to travel and see how things worked out with my boyfriend who I had met in June 2013 whilst travelling the USA. I've done my WHV and my farm work and we've applied for our partner 820 visa in April this year. Work has been difficult to find due to visa restrictions and its pretty much just been temps jobs and call centre jobs, whilst my partner is a firefighter.

 

 

I've had issues over the past year with depression and anxiety and am starting to think maybe it is just homesickness and I should move back to the UK. I love my partner and we have a good life here with good wages, opportunity to travel and good weather, but I've always been a home loving girl and miss the family cuddles and chats. I try to Skype regularly and have been back to visit 3 times already with my parents having just left after a two week visit. Every time I leave the UK or they leave oz I am hugely homesick.

 

 

I am so confused as to whether this is homesickness, separation anxiety or depression. I feel anxious and down a lot of the time but am not sure whether this is just homesickness or something more. I have considered moving back to the UK but with my partner having an established career here I think he would find it hard. He said he is willing to try for a few months. But then there's the visa issue, our partner visa can take 12-15 months to process. Do i stick it out here for a few years and get my citizenship or go back home and give up on Australia and possibly my relationship. I guess I'm just looking for people in a similar situation to talk to as I'm feeling pretty lonely and lost.

 

 

Its difficult deciding whether this is homesickness, anxiety, depression or just a case of the grass always being greener on the other side.

 

 

If you've stuck with me through my rambling, then thank you. I don't expect psychologist grade replies, just someone to talk to and understand me, plus any advice if you've got it!

[petitescargot]

Hi hoddie32,

 

So much of this rings true with me, so whilst I might not have any decent advice I can certainly sympathise. Myself and my partner also arrived in Melbourne in September 2013, from little old Bath, UK, so Melbourne has been quite a big change. Whilst back in the UK I had the occasional low period or got anxious about certain situations or events, I've found that being here has caused real issues with anxiety which I guess is linked to homesickness. My partner certainly doesn't (openly) struggle with homesickness in the same way so it can be quite isolating and can make you question what the issues are that's causing it. I love melbourne, the suburb we're in, my job and are quality of life is genuinely far better than it was in the UK (mostly down to far higher public sector wages here) but there is a huge void left by not having my friends and family here to share our experiences and successes.

 

I haven't been back to the UK for a visit yet, partly because I worry about saying goodbye to friends and family again which was awful last time. I take it day by day, week by week here, working towards 2017 when we'll be able to apply for citizenship and then consider our options longer term. I make sure we have things planned for weekends to get us out and experiencing the things that were the reason we moved to Oz, even if it's just driving out to a state park for a walk. It's good to have things on the horizon to look forward to and to work towards.

 

I also make sure I take time for myself, especially as my partners doesn't feel quite the same about missing home, if I'm feeling low or anxious. I will say though that finding a job that I truly enjoy made a huge difference and has given me more of a purpose here. It also gives me a distraction from other thoughts and feelings and I've met some great people.

 

Hope that helps in some small way. Homesickness is a strange one, and I know that if I went home now I'd desperately miss Melbourne. I just keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have had the opportunity and the means to make this move, even if it's not forever.

[Bungo]

There are lots of people that feel like you, it was not my situation and I was never in a "mixed relationship" but quite a few have been and I am sure they will be along soon. It certainly sounds like homesickness or situational depression to me (i.e. move you out of the situation and depression lifts). And I am coming to the conclusion that migration isn't really for anyone that has a close family. It seems to work best for people that are pretty independent from family, maybe have moved away from then in the UK even.

 

I think what you need to do is have a firm plan or agreement with your OH. I lived overseas before Australia and was very unhappy, but once I had a firm date in mind for leaving, everything seemed much better. You might not even leave when you get to that date of your own, but having it agreed might be enough to help you.

 

And don't be a martyr! Why are you saying "he might struggle" when you are struggling? It is not ok that you should have to struggle whilst he has no such worries. It is a good sign that he has agreed to give it a go in the UK, but I don't understand why only for a few months, that isn't long enough to give it a go. I am sure an Aussie firefighter would not have much trouble joining the fire services in UK.

 

Some posters on here in mixed marriages seem very happy and those are the ones that seem to have come to an understanding with the other half that maybe they will alternate where they live and spend periods of their lives in both locations. But other people are very much trapped by a spouse that would not contemplate a move or because there are settled children. On that point, my tip is not to bring children into this mix until you are sure about everything, nothing will trap you in the country more than a resident child.

 

Good luck with it.

[starlight7]

I'm assuming your boyfriend is an Aussie ? Or is he American? I think , feeling as you do, it might be best to have a long term plan to go back to the UK which would probably help you psychologically if nothing else. Have you made some friends here? Loneliness is a bummer and can add to feelings of helplessness and make you feel depressed.

[Sustain]

"I moved originally to travel and see how things worked out with my boyfriend who I had met in June 2013 whilst travelling the USA."

 

So how is it working out?

 

Have you completed enough travel of Australia ? New Zealand? Asia?

 

Perhaps having a finite time before returning to the UK?

[Hoddie32]

Hi hoddie32,

 

So much of this rings true with me, so whilst I might not have any decent advice I can certainly sympathise. Myself and my partner also arrived in Melbourne in September 2013, from little old Bath, UK, so Melbourne has been quite a big change. Whilst back in the UK I had the occasional low period or got anxious about certain situations or events, I've found that being here has caused real issues with anxiety which I guess is linked to homesickness. My partner certainly doesn't (openly) struggle with homesickness in the same way so it can be quite isolating and can make you question what the issues are that's causing it. I love melbourne, the suburb we're in, my job and are quality of life is genuinely far better than it was in the UK (mostly down to far higher public sector wages here) but there is a huge void left by not having my friends and family here to share our experiences and successes.

 

I haven't been back to the UK for a visit yet, partly because I worry about saying goodbye to friends and family again which was awful last time. I take it day by day, week by week here, working towards 2017 when we'll be able to apply for citizenship and then consider our options longer term. I make sure we have things planned for weekends to get us out and experiencing the things that were the reason we moved to Oz, even if it's just driving out to a state park for a walk. It's good to have things on the horizon to look forward to and to work towards.

 

I also make sure I take time for myself, especially as my partners doesn't feel quite the same about missing home, if I'm feeling low or anxious. I will say though that finding a job that I truly enjoy made a huge difference and has given me more of a purpose here. It also gives me a distraction from other thoughts and feelings and I've met some great people.

 

Hope that helps in some small way. Homesickness is a strange one, and I know that if I went home now I'd desperately miss Melbourne. I just keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have had the opportunity and the means to make this move, even if it's not forever.

Sounds like a pretty similar situation! Glad I'm not alone! I do think having a job helps but a lot of the work I get here is pretty dull and uninspiring, which again doesn't help. Have you managed to settle and make lots of friends here? I feel that most of my friends are actually my partners friends that I've sort of inherited. Do you have any advice or suggestions on making friends in melb? Were in a pretty family orientated suburb so lots of young families but not too many younger childless couples/singles

[Guest]

Homesickness to me is not depression or anxiety. Those are issues in their own right. Homesickness could be a catalyst of them though. And once struggling with things then you can put far more on to those relationships and places that are familiar where you otherwise might not have done so.

 

Define homesick? Is it the people you miss or the place or both? If you were close to your family and friends then chances are you may well struggle in the longer term being away from them. If your plan had been to travel and return to the UK then ending up staying put in Aus is rather different isn't it? However, lots of people do travel and met a person who becomes their partner and settle just fine.

 

I think you seeing your loved ones or them coming to you, that does distress you having to leave them again. Or see them leave. But when in the UK you are in holiday mode also and so need to remember that that is not your day to day life. Also being as you are in Aus, temp jobs, casual and so on, that isn't ideal either. Its not really given you a chance to allow yourself to feel more settled perhaps or to feel more secure?

 

You admit to being a home loving person and honestly, that may well win out in the end. Your partner could come over with you for a few months but please know that for him to remain long term on a partner visa there are big financial implications (you need to be earning over a certain amount) in you sponsoring him and this could put an end to that idea before it begins. He could possibly gain the UK WHV equivalent but there is no route to a partner visa from this anymore iirc.

 

That you've made so many trips back to the UK would be setting off warning sirens to me re your long term ability to settle in Aus. Perhaps if when you gain your partner visa and can feel more permanent there is may change things but it may not. Only time will tell on that one.

 

Some people really are not meant to live overseas or away from their nearest and dearest. They don't cope, become miserable, homesick, depressed and more. Others cope fine. Some have some wobbles but overcome them in the end. There is no right or wrong in this. I do tend to agree with Bungo though that those that are really close to their loved ones proably are not cut out for migrating and will struggle. More so perhaps where the partner is an Aussie and so they don't migrate together IYKWIM. I'm married to an Aussie and live here with him now. We were in the UK before.

 

Do you like Australia? Or the part of it you live in? Putting aside the family in the UK side of things, would you want to be there long term living? The old saying of absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, so that when your family do visit or you go there, its all very emotional and you've invested a lot of head and heart time into it being special and then the come down after you or they leave is tough. If you've been in casual work and hanging out for them to visit or to pop to the UK to see them, its not really been a great situation into letting you live life over here and adapt and see how it can be.

 

Bottom line for me is you went to Aus to be with someone you had met. I think settling in a country or away from those you are close to requires a big selfish streak and the ability to cope ok with it all. Right now, you don't sound like you have that. And I think its important to also love (or at least like) the place you are living in. If you don't, no matter how much you love the person, the place will grate on you and wear you down if you don't like it. Liking it, loving it at least makes it that much easier.

 

Right now I'd suggest some counselling or some form of help. Go see your GP for a chat in the first instance perhaps? And then try not to think of things in terms of forever or long term, try to let that go and focus on the shorter term goals for now. The partner visa being the first step. Once this arrives and you've had some time to work things out, you can take a look then at how things are going and what direction you want to take.

[Hoddie32]

Homesickness to me is not depression or anxiety. Those are issues in their own right. Homesickness could be a catalyst of them though. And once struggling with things then you can put far more on to those relationships and places that are familiar where you otherwise might not have done so.

 

Define homesick? Is it the people you miss or the place or both? If you were close to your family and friends then chances are you may well struggle in the longer term being away from them. If your plan had been to travel and return to the UK then ending up staying put in Aus is rather different isn't it? However, lots of people do travel and met a person who becomes their partner and settle just fine.

 

I think you seeing your loved ones or them coming to you, that does distress you having to leave them again. Or see them leave. But when in the UK you are in holiday mode also and so need to remember that that is not your day to day life. Also being as you are in Aus, temp jobs, casual and so on, that isn't ideal either. Its not really given you a chance to allow yourself to feel more settled perhaps or to feel more secure?

 

You admit to being a home loving person and honestly, that may well win out in the end. Your partner could come over with you for a few months but please know that for him to remain long term on a partner visa there are big financial implications (you need to be earning over a certain amount) in you sponsoring him and this could put an end to that idea before it begins. He could possibly gain the UK WHV equivalent but there is no route to a partner visa from this anymore iirc.

 

That you've made so many trips back to the UK would be setting off warning sirens to me re your long term ability to settle in Aus. Perhaps if when you gain your partner visa and can feel more permanent there is may change things but it may not. Only time will tell on that one.

 

Some people really are not meant to live overseas or away from their nearest and dearest. They don't cope, become miserable, homesick, depressed and more. Others cope fine. Some have some wobbles but overcome them in the end. There is no right or wrong in this. I do tend to agree with Bungo though that those that are really close to their loved ones proably are not cut out for migrating and will struggle. More so perhaps where the partner is an Aussie and so they don't migrate together IYKWIM. I'm married to an Aussie and live here with him now. We were in the UK before.

 

Do you like Australia? Or the part of it you live in? Putting aside the family in the UK side of things, would you want to be there long term living? The old saying of absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, so that when your family do visit or you go there, its all very emotional and you've invested a lot of head and heart time into it being special and then the come down after you or they leave is tough. If you've been in casual work and hanging out for them to visit or to pop to the UK to see them, its not really been a great situation into letting you live life over here and adapt and see how it can be.

 

Bottom line for me is you went to Aus to be with someone you had met. I think settling in a country or away from those you are close to requires a big selfish streak and the ability to cope ok with it all. Right now, you don't sound like you have that. And I think its important to also love (or at least like) the place you are living in. If you don't, no matter how much you love the person, the place will grate on you and wear you down if you don't like it. Liking it, loving it at least makes it that much easier.

 

Right now I'd suggest some counselling or some form of help. Go see your GP for a chat in the first instance perhaps? And then try not to think of things in terms of forever or long term, try to let that go and focus on the shorter term goals for now. The partner visa being the first step. Once this arrives and you've had some time to work things out, you can take a look then at how things are going and what direction you want to take.

Hi Snifter!

 

Thanks for your reply! You make a lot of good points. I think one of the key ones being taking things a day, week or few months at a time. I have a tendency to think the decisions I make are forever, when they don't have to be.

 

I do love Australia and have always been into sports and the outdoors so the lifestyle suits me. I do agree that maybe trying to get more settled into a routine and making more friends would help me. Its just trying to find a temp/casual job that has regular hours for me to commit to sports clubs and social events that's the difficult bit.

 

I have already seen my GP and been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They put me on and off and change my medication which causes more upheaval so settling down and feeling 'at home' would definitely be nice.

 

I guess I'm just very confused as to whether its just a bumpy time and we'll get through it or that it might just not be meant to be.

 

You make a good point that when I visit the UK I am in holiday mode so finding a job, house and the stresses I have here will not just disappear if I did move back. I guess those things are just easier when you've got a wider support network of friends and family.

 

Thank you for all your advice and sorry for going on a lot. I just seem to have a lot to think about and sometimes its useful to get an outside perspective!

[Hoddie32]

I'm assuming your boyfriend is an Aussie ? Or is he American? I think , feeling as you do, it might be best to have a long term plan to go back to the UK which would probably help you psychologically if nothing else. Have you made some friends here? Loneliness is a bummer and can add to feelings of helplessness and make you feel depressed.

He's Aussie, Melbourne born and bred. He has all his family and friends here. I have made a few friends through work but most are travellers who eventually go back home. I am friends with my boyfriends friends but would like to have a friends group of my own, like at home. I share most things with my partner but every girl needs a set of girlfriends I think. Its just hard finding some, I know all my home friends through school and uni

[Jacaranda]

Hi Hoddie,

I am glad you have taken the time to post how you are feeling.Its good to offload and there are lots of nice folk on PIO that are good listeners,and can offer helpful advice,with some sharing the same feelings and experiences as yourself. Actually I think it can be a tough call when you hook up with someone who's not from your home country,and you then move to theirs. You don't lose contact with your own family,but its a lot different,talking to folk via Skype,FB or whatever than seeing them in person.Of course your OH would be happy because he has everyone around him that he needs.His family and friends. I'm guessing you get on well with them,and that's good but its not really the same.

Ok I believe personally,if I was in the same situation as yourself,and having to take meds to cope,that in itself would be a light globe moment for me.If I was coping with life before leaving the UK,that would be my answer. I don't think I would leave Australia just yet though. I would give it abit more time,and possibly see how I felt if I gained more secure employment.Re friends of your own hon,you could start up a new thread on PIO requesting if anyone would like to meet for a girls night out or a coffee during the day. I think someone has already mentioned having children. Please ensure you are 100% definitely happy to stay in Australia permanently before going down that road. I've read some harrowing posts on PIO over the years where the guy will sometimes talk the lady into having a baby hoping she will then settle having her own family.On the surface it sounds like a fairly good idea,but if you then still don't settle (and some become even more unsettled because they want their families around for support)it would/could become extremely difficult for you to leave Australia (Hague Convention).

I will finish off by saying its good to tell yourself that everything in life in temporary.It really is. Best wishes,and I hope you find some peace and happiness.

[MARYROSE02]

You could ask (if you have not done so already) for a referral to a psychologist, and, with that referral, a mental health plan which entities you to ten appointments in a 12 month period subsidised by Medicare.

 

If you find a therapist you relate to, they can be very helpful. (You do not have to stick with the first one you see.)

 

Sometimes. It's hard to find the right medication, and as they all take time to settle into your system, you may continue to feel unwell.

 

The one I take was prescribed by my GP in the UK years ago, and my Aussie GP continues to prescribe them, so my anxiety is not "situational!" Perhaps, another way to look at it is that I continue to take my cholesterol meds whether I'm here or anywhere else, and it's the same with my anxiety. (But I'm not embarrassed to admit I take those tablets whereas something to do with my mental health...... The stigma in society I'd slowly lifting.

 

That's not to say that you could go home and not immediately feel better. I don't know. I'm not qualified to say that.

 

Maybe if you do go for counselling, you could consider taking your partner? (if he is amenable.)

 

I went back and forth to England by the way, including a 12 year "holiday" there. Now my parents have gone I can't look to them for help. I know they worried a lot about me including moving over here for extended periods.

 

I hope things settle down for you. If you can't get paid work, maybe consider voluntary work which I keep meaning to do. Helping others can take your mind off troubles. I'm looking after a cat! I've never looked after anyone in my life! (Not true as I looked after my Dad in his last year's.)

 

[Guest]

I think having a few good friendships and a bit of your own independant social life can make a difference. If you are isolated that way it can be tough going. Sounds to me like you'd appreciate that sort of thing here and that its not been forthcoming really yet. Which in turns means you are hanging out for those friendships back in the UK and perhaps investing more in those long distance than building ones here.

 

You need to put yourself out there a bit. Honestly, you could start going to a sports club or some such even if you can only make it every second week. I'd put some focus on building a bit of my own social life over other things perhaps for a while at least. It could help the bigger picture and help improve your overall wellbeing. You've sort of gone about migrating in an awkward way and it isn't the smoothest route to putting down some foundations and building a life off the back of a WHV. Many of the people you meet by the nature of your casual work etc are on WHV themselves and will move on, its transient and you are the constant as you have a base, partner and so on. Also sounds like you are in a quieter residential area and this isn't helping you.

 

What interests do you have? Do you like cycling? Often cycling clubs can be great ways to meet people, get some exercise and build friendships. And they are flexible. Or perhaps see if there are any local groups to you doing something that interests you. I know on our PIA forum someone was asking about crochet groups and lo, a bunch of women have a casual meet up in a cafe or something and chat and crochet. 20 somethings and older. I myself joined a book club, as a) I got to meet new people and have a bit of a girly night once a month and b) it gave me a focus and got me reading. Its been good and I really look forward to it each month. And our group has grown a bit and we've had some new faces join us.

 

Other ways I've met people in new areas when I've moved have been to volunteer in animal rescue, get involved in the local community (could be via a town fundraising or group) and also taken up some hobbies.

 

I'm almost 2 years in in my life here in Aus and while I may be a fair bit older, married and have a child, I've invested my time in getting to know people, building friendships, joining a few clubs and other things. I also embraced my husbands friendship group but we honestly don't see much of them as we all have lives to lead and husband was gone 8 years before moving back, so we all don't feel the need to do anything weekly or too often, but when we do its good. And ok I got to know a few mums via school but others outside of it. You get back but you have to put in to start with. Investing in friendships that can only be short term isn't good for you in the long term, so perhaps stop doing that. Put your energy elsewhere. If you are feeling down it can be hard going wanting to even do that but it can perhaps help break the rut you seem to be stuck in.

 

Feeling a little more included, having your own friends and so on could be the turning point or the thing that was missing for you.

[MARYROSE02]

I think having a few good friendships and a bit of your own independant social life can make a difference. If you are isolated that way it can be tough going. Sounds to me like you'd appreciate that sort of thing here and that its not been forthcoming really yet. Which in turns means you are hanging out for those friendships back in the UK and perhaps investing more in those long distance than building ones here.

 

You need to put yourself out there a bit. Honestly, you could start going to a sports club or some such even if you can only make it every second week. I'd put some focus on building a bit of my own social life over other things perhaps for a while at least. It could help the bigger picture and help improve your overall wellbeing. You've sort of gone about migrating in an awkward way and it isn't the smoothest route to putting down some foundations and building a life off the back of a WHV. Many of the people you meet by the nature of your casual work etc are on WHV themselves and will move on, its transient and you are the constant as you have a base, partner and so on. Also sounds like you are in a quieter residential area and this isn't helping you.

 

What interests do you have? Do you like cycling? Often cycling clubs can be great ways to meet people, get some exercise and build friendships. And they are flexible. Or perhaps see if there are any local groups to you doing something that interests you. I know on our PIA forum someone was asking about crochet groups and lo, a bunch of women have a casual meet up in a cafe or something and chat and crochet. 20 somethings and older. I myself joined a book club, as a) I got to meet new people and have a bit of a girly night once a month and b) it gave me a focus and got me reading. Its been good and I really look forward to it each month. And our group has grown a bit and we've had some new faces join us.

 

Other ways I've met people in new areas when I've moved have been to volunteer in animal rescue, get involved in the local community (could be via a town fundraising or group) and also taken up some hobbies.

 

I'm almost 2 years in in my life here in Aus and while I may be a fair bit older, married and have a child, I've invested my time in getting to know people, building friendships, joining a few clubs and other things. I also embraced my husbands friendship group but we honestly don't see much of them as we all have lives to lead and husband was gone 8 years before moving back, so we all don't feel the need to do anything weekly or too often, but when we do its good. And ok I got to know a few mums via school but others outside of it. You get back but you have to put in to start with. Investing in friendships that can only be short term isn't good for you in the long term, so perhaps stop doing that. Put your energy elsewhere. If you are feeling down it can be hard going wanting to even do that but it can perhaps help break the rut you seem to be stuck in.

 

Feeling a little more included, having your own friends and so on could be the turning point or the thing that was missing for you.

 

I have not worked since last November, so I guess I am 'de facto' retired, though I keep meaning to look for something. I started an Open University degree this year which has made a huge difference to how I fill my time. It's maybe not as 'social' as I would have liked as it's all on line, and I don't get to physically meet my fellow students. But it needs a minimum ten hours a week of study and I try to do a couple of hours a day, though I get distracted by the likes of PIO!

 

This second time in Sydney I've 'pushed' myself to talk to people more, in the cafes, shops and pubs around my 'burb, and that makes a difference knowing that other people know my name, as I do theirs. Some people might argue that they are not 'true' friends, but the first time I lived here, I did not know anybody's name, nor them mine. Some of the people are 'true' friends too, and I socialise with them. I got up at 10 to 5 this morning to go to a pub - Triple Aces - to watch English football - Spurs, and I knew three of the four other guys there, plus the barman. (We were not drinking! Just coffee. They open the pub so we can watch the games.)

 

Perhaps building up a few different links, or 'threads' gradually bind together to make you feel more like you know a few of the other 'ants' in the nest, rather than being on your own?

[speakeasy]

Don't give up.

 

Decide what your priorities are then stick with them.

 

Moving away from home tosses everything in the air and all the pieces invariably land where you don't expect.

 

You're still in control, just not of the things you were once in control of.

 

Find things in your life you can take control of. Spend time getting to know your new home. Build a world around it.

 

 

When you feel weak, just try and remember all the great things you looked forward to about this place and your life here and remind yourself that you are getting closer.

 

This is called a rough patch. Don't let it depress you.

[Quoll]

You've got some good advice on here already!

 

Im concerned that they've just opted for medication and not offered you good counselling as part of the process??? There are strategies which can help you get through every day if your decision is to stay where you are with the chap you love. But you do have to make the decision - is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Have grandkids with and grow old beside? If the answer is yes then you will have to put part of yourself aside and get on with it, using whatever strategies work for you. Personally, I found CBT helpful but others find ACT useful - it's a personal decision.

 

I will say that if it is situational depression that ails you then the only cure is to remove yourself from the situation. I had it for at least 10 years (my first 20 years in Aus were just fine!) and lived with it because I had to but it wasn't until I wasn't trapped in Australia any more that I realized just what a terrible toll it had taken on my physical and mental health but which cleared like magic once I was in a place I belonged. It wasn't homesickness - I don't think I've ever had that it was a totally odd, somewhat irrational feeling for someone who prides herself on rational thinking, logic, pragmatic behaviour - bloody debilitating in all honesty and I don't think I have ever come closer to suicidal thinking (not that close thank heavens!)

 

I wish you well - mixed marriages are difficult! As the others have also said - if your OH is an Aussie, unless he has UK/European ancestry this may all be moot anyway - he may not be able to get a visa for UK so you have no other options if he is The One. Good Luck!

[Hoddie32]

You've got some good advice on here already!

 

Im concerned that they've just opted for medication and not offered you good counselling as part of the process??? There are strategies which can help you get through every day if your decision is to stay where you are with the chap you love. But you do have to make the decision - is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Have grandkids with and grow old beside? If the answer is yes then you will have to put part of yourself aside and get on with it, using whatever strategies work for you. Personally, I found CBT helpful but others find ACT useful - it's a personal decision.

 

I will say that if it is situational depression that ails you then the only cure is to remove yourself from the situation. I had it for at least 10 years (my first 20 years in Aus were just fine!) and lived with it because I had to but it wasn't until I wasn't trapped in Australia any more that I realized just what a terrible toll it had taken on my physical and mental health but which cleared like magic once I was in a place I belonged. It wasn't homesickness - I don't think I've ever had that it was a totally odd, somewhat irrational feeling for someone who prides herself on rational thinking, logic, pragmatic behaviour - bloody debilitating in all honesty and I don't think I have ever come closer to suicidal thinking (not that close thank heavens!)

 

I wish you well - mixed marriages are difficult! As the others have also said - if your OH is an Aussie, unless he has UK/European ancestry this may all be moot anyway - he may not be able to get a visa for UK so you have no other options if he is The One. Good Luck!

I'm amazed and so grateful for the response I've got from everybody! Thank you! I am trying to see a counsellor but again strange working hours can make it difficult. I've always been anxious and get upset very easily but over the last year its just been exhaustingly bad.

 

I know a few people have mentioned that it would be tricky for my partner to get a visa to the UK. I had no idea it was so difficult. Is there no partner/de facto visa equivalent? He has Maltese heritage so may be able to go down that road. Or a working holiday visa if we were to go in the next couple of years.

 

The visa issues could take the decision out of our hands.

[Parley]

Look into whether he can get Malta citizenship.

 

Malta is in the EU so if he can get a Malta passport then he should be able to settle in the UK as an EU citizen.

[Quoll]

There is, of course, a spouse visa but you, as the sponsor, would have to show 6 months of an income of £18.5k or savings of £62.5k which is sadly beyond the scope of many young British women falling in love with non EU blokes.

 

I'm glad you're trying for counseling. Working hours can be a real issue but some services do have longer access hours if you can find them as most realize that having paid employment is a good protective factor. In the meantime you could try online therapy - Moodgym at ANU is very good as are the Beyond Blue options. There is also The Happiness Trap which has some excellent resources. If it gets too much though, don't forget Lifeline 131114

[starlight7]

How about joining a walking group at w/ends or something physical? Nothing like some physical activity to make you feel really good! Good luck whatever you decide - there are some nice people on here and you can always ask for advice and take what suits, some of it or none!

[Catzog]

Hi, moving to the other side of the world definitely has it's pros and cons! We've been here for a year now and I get homesick and have wobbles! It's difficult not having those friends that really know you, the ones that you have known forever. I completely understand what it is like. We are a 30 yr old couple who moved to Melbourne from Derby and we do love it here, but feel a bit lonely sometimes. Anyway, I really hope that things get better for you. I'm always up for a drink (preferably alcoholic!) and natter, so pm me if you fancy it ??

[jumpingjellybean]

I am so confused as to whether this is homesickness, separation anxiety or depression.

 

Or it could be just reading this forum.

 

I have felt confusion, homesickness, depression and anxiety since joining in May. Never suffered these things prior.

 

Sometimes over thinking things can do more harm than good. Maybe better to go with the flow and see where you end up.

 

Otherwise cannot advise; as only you can make that decision about what country to live in and your relationship.

[Paul1Perth]

Some people will miss friends and family some won't. Me and the wife have never experienced homesickness or really missed people. My wife is a nurse and moved away from home at 17, as soon as she started nursing. She moved back in with her parents briefly when she changed jobs and was looking for a flat. She hated it. She had so been used to doing her own thing and her Dad started telling her when to be in and sitting up waiting and worrying if she wasn't in by a certain time.

 

I really do feel for people who can't settle and miss people. I don't think skype, facebook, social media help you let go and move on. You are probably thinking about when you can be next in touch, not thinking about going out and having a good time here. Your friends aren't going to tell you they are having a bad time, even if they are. Do you see anyone on facebook ever say what a crap time they are having? Wouldn't know myself as I'm not on it but I've seen my wifes facebook and it's full of people posting crap. They must live their life through it.

 

Don't really know what to say to the OP but if you are feeling really down, depressed, and anxious I daresay it's eventually going to have a bad affect on your relationship. Maybe best to move back. Can't be cheap having holidays over there waiting for the next trip.