Advice please

[Dugong]

Hello,

Just after any advice that anyone can offer me! I'll try to summarise as much as possible!

Been living in auz for 6 years now with my oh, citizenship ceremony due in March.

Just bought a new build house + first time home buyers grant. Due to settle mid march, finance approved offer now unconditional. Just had some devastating news about an immediate family members health so im in the uk at this time. My oh is in auz at the mo but I'm finding the pull to stay in the uk at this time extremely strong. I'm due to fly back sat but feel the need to stay in the uk and support my family.

OH and I have no children and OH has offered little emotional support to me and is very worried about the house situation and the repercussions of pulling out of the sale. It's very difficult to talk to him and shuts down when I try to work out a solution with him.

I'm just feeling that I can't walk away when my immediate family need me the most!

Thanks in advance

Dugong

[itegoa]

Go back to Oz for the citizenship ceremony, get an Oz passport, then decide what you want to do.

[robfromdublin]

Why does staying in the UK while your family member is sick equal pulling out of the house purchase? Do you need your salary to make the finances work? Would you be entirely without salary in the UK?

 

 

My commiserations on your relative's illness. This is obviously putting a huge strain on both you and your OH and I hope you both pull through OK.

[Mel Lofts]

Dugong, I really feel for you right now being so torn between your commitments. My best advice is to try to take the emotion out of it, take a step back and look at where your commitments lie in the short, medium and long term. For the short term if your priority is 1 family, 2 OH and 3 Australia and these commitments are the same long term then you may well want to consider moving back but you should balance this with the needs of your OH if his commitments are different or you could risk you relationship. If your long term commitments are different, say 1 OH, 2 Australia and 3 family - say because the family member gets better or the worse happens then you need to focus on the long term and come up with a short to medium term compromise. There are 2 practical considerations - the house purchase and whether you will lose your deposit and if so how substantial this is, if the purchase does not complete and secondly your citizenship. If your long term goal is to stay with your OH in Australia then it would make sense to go ahead with the purchase and the citizenship ceremony and then go back to the UK to support your family. Even if you both go back short term you could rent out your house and I think that house prices are going to go up due to the decrease in interest rates. I suppose another thing to consider is whether your employers would allow you to take some compassionate leave without losing your jobs. It is difficult to offer specific advice without knowing your or your specific circumstances but I hope I have given you enough to think about so that you can ask yourself the right questions and answer them honestly to yourself.

[docboat]

OK - I understand you are in turmoil just now, but I am an un-PC person, so bear with me.

 

You have just told your husband that he is not your immediate family. You have also made clear to him that you are prepared to leave him in the lurch financially and socially, to be with your immediate family.

 

How is he going to feel? And how do you feel about it when expressed like this.

 

As said above, there is no reason for this to be an either or situation. The scars you are leaving behind in your relationship are, however, of a lasting nature. Please - for your sake and that of your husband, have a think about this.

[Que Sera Sera]

OK - I understand you are in turmoil just now, but I am an un-PC person, so bear with me.

 

You have just told your husband that he is not your immediate family. You have also made clear to him that you are prepared to leave him in the lurch financially and socially, to be with your immediate family.

 

How is he going to feel? And how do you feel about it when expressed like this.

 

As said above, there is no reason for this to be an either or situation. The scars you are leaving behind in your relationship are, however, of a lasting nature. Please - for your sake and that of your husband, have a think about this.

I have to agree with this completely. You married your Husband and he should come first before your family. If he doesn't then there is something seriously wrong. Whilst personal circumstances can happen it is something most of us immigrants have to face at one time or another.

[Quoll]

OK - I understand you are in turmoil just now, but I am an un-PC person, so bear with me.

 

You have just told your husband that he is not your immediate family. You have also made clear to him that you are prepared to leave him in the lurch financially and socially, to be with your immediate family.

 

How is he going to feel? And how do you feel about it when expressed like this.

 

As said above, there is no reason for this to be an either or situation. The scars you are leaving behind in your relationship are, however, of a lasting nature. Please - for your sake and that of your husband, have a think about this.

 

I wouldnt see that the OP has declared her OH as "not immediate family" I suspect what she is after is some sense that their relationship is a team and that as a team you both support each other to manage those issues which arise from either extended family or other difficult events. Sometimes circumstances change which require a rethink and it doesn't sound like the OH is prepared to talk about how best to manage that change in circumstances. Life throws you curve balls and you do the pragmatic thing at the time and both of you need to support the other. Just because you get married doesn't mean that you don't have other relationships that may need your attention, rather that the two of you together work on doing what needs to be done.

 

I don't know that there is a magic answer unfortunately. I'd see getting citizenship as a priority so you can keep all your options open but that could be achieved by attending the ceremony, getting a passport then leaving. The house is more difficult - if being away means you can't manage the finances (and you can't rent out a house if you've got the NHOG IIRC) and it looks like your stay could be prolonged for a while then I would be pulling out unfortunately. It's a bugger but there will be other houses, it's just a house - people come first.

 

In a similar situation with Qantas a few years ago I called them to see what I could do about my return ticket and they basically extended it for 12 months - I would have had to pay a bit when rebooking (which I never did, but got my taxes back!) so the return flight can be negotiated.

 

Goid luck, it's an unenviable situation and I'm really sorry your OH isn't stepping up to the mark with the emotional support, that makes the whole situation so much harder.

[Gbye grey sky]

I wouldnt see that the OP has declared her OH as "not immediate family" I suspect what she is after is some sense that their relationship is a team and that as a team you both support each other to manage those issues which arise from either extended family or other difficult events. Sometimes circumstances change which require a rethink and it doesn't sound like the OH is prepared to talk about how best to manage that change in circumstances. Life throws you curve balls and you do the pragmatic thing at the time and both of you need to support the other. Just because you get married doesn't mean that you don't have other relationships that may need your attention, rather that the two of you together work on doing what needs to be done.

 

I don't know that there is a magic answer unfortunately. I'd see getting citizenship as a priority so you can keep all your options open but that could be achieved by attending the ceremony, getting a passport then leaving. The house is more difficult - if being away means you can't manage the finances (and you can't rent out a house if you've got the NHOG IIRC) and it looks like your stay could be prolonged for a while then I would be pulling out unfortunately. It's a bugger but there will be other houses, it's just a house - people come first.

 

In a similar situation with Qantas a few years ago I called them to see what I could do about my return ticket and they basically extended it for 12 months - I would have had to pay a bit when rebooking (which I never did, but got my taxes back!) so the return flight can be negotiated.

 

Goid luck, it's an unenviable situation and I'm really sorry your OH isn't stepping up to the mark with the emotional support, that makes the whole situation so much harder.

 

I take your point and people do come before a house. But in this instance I suspect it is not simply about a house but their whole future financial stability that could hang on this decision. What are the actual consequences of pulling out of this type of purchase at the 11th hour. If it were to render the couple bankrupt, jobless, or homeless then staying on in the UK is a major call.

 

It is a shame I agree that her OH may not be offering sufficient emotional support (so many men are poor at that).

[Dugong]

Thanks for all your advice.....it's such a tough decision for me as there are many other factors which make this issue far from black and white:

My OH and I are not married.

Its my dad that has the inoperable stage 4 cancer-palliative chemo at the mo.

Mum had a brain hem 5 months ago which resulted in a stroke and paralysis of left side...made a good recovery but still limited with movement-can now drive short distances.

I am the only offspring, friends have been great but they have their own lives!

I could secure a job in the uk if I were to stay.

If we pull out of the house we would have to pay 10 percent of the value, which we could manage at a pinch.

I have been ping ponging back to the uk since we arrived as I struggled with homesickness but could see how much the OH was thriving in Aus. Don't get me wrong I secured a good job, we live in a beautiful place and have some good friends. I just feel its now time for me to go and help my parents in this difficult time. I just need some sort of compromise from my OH!

 

thanks again

Dugong

[Que Sera Sera]

Thanks for all your advice.....it's such a tough decision for me as there are many other factors which make this issue far from black and white:

My OH and I are not married.

Its my dad that has the inoperable stage 4 cancer-palliative chemo at the mo.

Mum had a brain hem 5 months ago which resulted in a stroke and paralysis of left side...made a good recovery but still limited with movement-can now drive short distances.

I am the only offspring, friends have been great but they have their own lives!

I could secure a job in the uk if I were to stay.

If we pull out of the house we would have to pay 10 percent of the value, which we could manage at a pinch.

I have been ping ponging back to the uk since we arrived as I struggled with homesickness but could see how much the OH was thriving in Aus. Don't get me wrong I secured a good job, we live in a beautiful place and have some good friends. I just feel its now time for me to go and help my parents in this difficult time. I just need some sort of compromise from my OH!

 

thanks again

Dugong

It's an awful thing to be going through :hug: I lost both my parents to cancer ) it is such a terrible time to make any irriversable decision especially one that will cost so much either financially or emotionally. It sounds like you have struggled anyway so maybe you have already made a decision but don't want to admit it? Can you fly back to Australia and really talk this through with your OH. It may well be that he may not be able to compromise. Could he afford to keep the mortgage going without you?

[VERYSTORMY]

I think you have to go with where your heart is. The money side is not as important.

[CXW]

First off, my sympathies and condolences. This is the sort of situation that I suspect all of us dread, so kudos that you're proactively seeking to explore how to proceed.

 

If you're looking for a compromise from your OH, then you're going to have to make an opening "offer" and let him know what you want and need. Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic, but I'm inclined to interpret shutting down as either not realising that he's not responding in the way that you need, and/or not knowing how to. I know from experience how incredibly frustrating this can be, especially when it feels like you're communicating loud and clear, but unless you take the initiative I don't see how things can move.

 

If I'm thinking about it from your OH's perspective, then I'd be feeling pretty scared and helpless at the moment, which may be another reason for the shutting down. Showing that you want a compromise that involves staying in the relationship (assuming this is the case) may help ease any sense of insecurity and open up a bit of space for discussion (and yes, this is incredibly speculative given I've never met either of you!).

 

Good luck!

[starlight7]

What a very difficult situation for you. Obviously your parents need you just now but I guess your partner does, too. I think I would definitely get citizenship at least because it will leave your options open whatever you decide. As regards the house, I would still try to buy it and rent it out for a while until things are more settled.That is if you are able to afford to do that. If not ,then I guess you have to call it quits and pay up whatever you have to to get out of the contract. Would your partner come back for a while?

[docboat]

Un-PC again.

 

Not married, so the relationship is easier broken - less security in the relationship for both. Your partner is not invested in your parents as much, and you are less invested in his life. Assuming you feel morally bonded together in a relationship at least as good as a divorceable marriage however, your partner is going to be:

 

1. uncertain of your commitment to him

2. doubt in his ability to continue in the purchase of the house as a couple

3. fearful of financial consequences

4. in grief at likely loss of his partner

5. filled with anger at being placed in such a situation

6. filled with a sense of helplessness, as you flit to and fro sending messages of temporariness of the relationship

7. lonely in the face of bilateral miscommunication and without a solid group of bonded friends in the foreign country he has viewed as his new permanent home

 

It may be a very difficult situation for you, but then again it a difficult situation for the both of you, and I do not see the recognition of that difficulty for him in your approach - I may be wrong, but it seems to be one of "I have a massive problem, this is what I have to do, and you should be fully behind me." Of course, I know it is not that clear cut, but once again, I ask that you consider very carefully what your partner is feeling. If you both love each other, you will both be able to speak about the pain you are both feeling, and find a resolution.

 

Some temporal solutions have been suggested. From the financial side, glibly saying you could just about absorb chucking 10% of the house cost away is just silly. More than silly - reckless, dumb. I strongly suspect that you thought of that as a short term solution to your immediate problem, which tells me that you are thinking in panic mode, not with a fully functioning reasoning centre.

 

So - if that is the case, then stop whatever you are doing right now. Your brain is not processing appropriately. Any decision you make now is likely to be a mistake. Let things settle, communicate openly and honestly, and see if you cannot find a reasonable solution to the financial side - such as renting out, and turning it into an investment property as a couple, or letting a soon-to-be ex-partner discover ways of affording this as an investment property on his own. Take the same approach for every decision - step back, get some clear air, and communicate.

[Gbye grey sky]

Thanks for all your advice.....it's such a tough decision for me as there are many other factors which make this issue far from black and white:

My OH and I are not married.

Its my dad that has the inoperable stage 4 cancer-palliative chemo at the mo.

Mum had a brain hem 5 months ago which resulted in a stroke and paralysis of left side...made a good recovery but still limited with movement-can now drive short distances.

I am the only offspring, friends have been great but they have their own lives!

I could secure a job in the uk if I were to stay.

If we pull out of the house we would have to pay 10 percent of the value, which we could manage at a pinch.

I have been ping ponging back to the uk since we arrived as I struggled with homesickness but could see how much the OH was thriving in Aus. Don't get me wrong I secured a good job, we live in a beautiful place and have some good friends. I just feel its now time for me to go and help my parents in this difficult time. I just need some sort of compromise from my OH!

 

thanks again

Dugong

 

I would ask myself this one question if I were you "Where do I see myself living, and who with, in 5 years time". If it was not with your OH in Australia then you will have your answer.

[Quoll]

I guess those of us who have been (almost) in your situation may have a slightly different take on it. Being an only child with not well parents sucks (I am wearing the t shirt) and it would take a far harder heart than my diamond quality one to say to them - well cheerio, thanks for everything I'm buggering off back to the other side of the world, let me know how it goes!

 

I still hold the the view that relationships are all about compromise and mutual support. In your shoes I would definitely be needing the support - my situation isn't nearly as imminently bad but when faced with it I must've shed a couple of tears on Skype (not intentionally, I'm the strong Boulder type with everyone else's waves washing over me!) that my DH ("I'm never going to live in England it would make me depressed") said I have booked in for a First Aid course on Thursday but could leave after that (he did, on the Friday!). I honestly cannot do what I do without him and he's aware of that and putting his life on hold for me - as I did for him. Had he not decided the way he did I think that might've been the end of a fantastic 40 yr marriage - but that wouldn't have been the actions of the man I fell in love with.

 

With you both looking at the pragmatics there will be options - extended LWOP or rec/compassionate leave or whatever. Taking a 10% hit on the house would definitely be a disincentive but if you can't rent it out (check the FHOG conditions) or cannot get any leeway on compassionate grounds then maybe it's a hit you have to take but you have to make a quick decision if it finalises in March.

 

I do see your OH's dilemma - it's a bloody scary prospect for anyone! It's bloody scary when you're established and financially as secure as you can be but at the end of the day you do what you've got to do. If you decide that you have to return to Aus then hook into the local social services to see what care and support they can offer.

 

((((Hugs))) there aren't many who would willingly step into your shoes I'll bet.

[Marisawright]

Thanks for all your advice.....it's such a tough decision for me as there are many other factors which make this issue far from black and white:

My OH and I are not married.

Its my dad that has the inoperable stage 4 cancer-palliative chemo at the mo.

Mum had a brain hem 5 months ago which resulted in a stroke and paralysis of left side...made a good recovery but still limited with movement-can now drive short distances.

I am the only offspring, friends have been great but they have their own lives!

I just feel its now time for me to go and help my parents in this difficult time. I just need some sort of compromise from my OH!

 

 

 

The problem is you don't want "some sort of compromise" from your OH, you want him to come back to the UK. That's not a compromise, that's giving up 100% of what he wants and doing 100% of what you want.

 

The sad truth is that your father is not going to be with you for long, so it would be silly to abandon your whole future for the sake of a few months. So I assume it's your mother you feel you need to care for long-term. If she's making a good recovery, could you plan to bring her back to Australia for a six month holiday after your father passes away, to give you a chance to sort out your future (and get your citizenship)? That way you can keep your options open, and it gives you a chance to discuss face-to-face with your oh which is always better than long-distance.

 

I suggest going ahead with the purchase. If you pull out now you're guaranteed to lose 10% - but if you buy it and ultimately have to resell it, you may not lose as much.

[wolvesaussie]

Which state is the house in? I am pretty sure in Victoria you would lose the 10% PLUS you have to pay the agents costs PLUS if they sell again to another for a deduced price you are also responsible for the difference between what you agreed to pay and what the new buyer has agreed to pay... It is really hard to pull out of a purchase here, unlike the UK

[wattsy1982]

Personally I think its things/times like this that make you see what is actually important in life.

 

Before this happened the house etc was important and seemed the right thing, then when something reall happens that really means something all of a sudden 'things' are less important/relevant and you almost feel embarrased that you ranked them so highly in the first place.

 

There will be other houses....you earnt that money before (the 10% you may have to pay) and you can do it again.

 

What will you regret more, not building the house x years down the line or not spending time with your parents while you can (should the worst happen)

 

You only have one mum and dad.

 

Like I said...only my opinion.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Katie22]

Thanks for all your advice.....it's such a tough decision for me as there are many other factors which make this issue far from black and white:

My OH and I are not married.

Its my dad that has the inoperable stage 4 cancer-palliative chemo at the mo.

Mum had a brain hem 5 months ago which resulted in a stroke and paralysis of left side...made a good recovery but still limited with movement-can now drive short distances.

I am the only offspring, friends have been great but they have their own lives!

I could secure a job in the uk if I were to stay.

If we pull out of the house we would have to pay 10 percent of the value, which we could manage at a pinch.

I have been ping ponging back to the uk since we arrived as I struggled with homesickness but could see how much the OH was thriving in Aus. Don't get me wrong I secured a good job, we live in a beautiful place and have some good friends. I just feel its now time for me to go and help my parents in this difficult time. I just need some sort of compromise from my OH!

 

thanks again

Dugong

 

I can understand your partner being worried about the house but he should be giving you emotional support and trying to find a solution rather than it all being about him. I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh here but the possibility of a house sale falling through is nothing compared to your dad being diagnosed with terminal cancer and your mum not only having to cope with your dad's diagnosis, but also being poorly herself. If I was your partner then I would be admiring you for your compassion, loyalty, and kindness towards your parents and would be going out of my way to thrash things through to find a solution to keep you in the UK for a while and maybe to continue with the house sale here in Australia. A relationship is about being there for each other, not being number 1 the whole time. Maybe reading between the lines it sounds as if he loves Australia and you are not so sure.

 

Do what you think is right. If you don't then you will not be able to go back in time to change things. People are way more important than money, and bricks and mortar.