Murta Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 We have PR 2 1/2 yrs now. As some of you know we activated the visa in april 2013 and came home to flooded house. All said and done took 6 mth to get back in.nightmare boa bla. Now completed a full year and got that out of our system Oz is rearing its sunny little head. We as couple have been off and on about going and mainly me off regarding leaving my lovely mum...who has sent me to coventry over the idea, treats me dismissively etc etc With the reccie making us realise it will be financially frought to move.... along with question whether we have the strength as family to do this; we cooled the idea along with the flood some the year. my oh being quite realistic about my love for my mum and the happiness I get around her with my kids. Now in recent months my OH has come round to the idea of going for a year to try it. Unfortunately the horse has bolted with y mum so there will be no fooling her that I might not return. Aside from that - as many of you will say my own family comes first etc we are concerned at the emotional and financial cost doing this will have. We will rent out but will need to leave money to cover the monthly extras rent won't . Right now I feel like hopping on a plane and just doing it and then in a week the tears will come at the thought of leaving mum bit. We aim for Sydney we are a 2kid family 8 and 5yr old. What you all think ?is the year away worth it....assuming we return . Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 What you all think ?is the year away worth it....assuming we return . Thanks Have you sat down and worked out how much it will cost to go for just a year? In most of Australia you can't get furnished lets, so you'll still have to either ship all your furniture or buy new. You'll still have to buy a car, and you'll still have to buy air fares. But unlike a permanent migrant, you'll have to pay out all that money again when you return. Add it all up and ask yourself whether you can afford to spend that money, especially if you're going to be doing it tough financially when you get here. Will you have enough money left to come home? Only you can decide whether the adventure is worth it. From being on these forums for a while, I'd have to say that the biggest reason people don't stay is missing family, especially when there are small children involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Thanks marisawright, yeah the costings each is a strain. We thought of shipping less to balance it out and if we stayed we would ship the rest. We also check with shipping a car we have and selling it there as opposed to bringin it back. We have a small capital that we would invest in the adventure. As we both really want o be there but I suppose this one year plan is the new carrot to rena gage ourselves in the process. I know about the missing family and get that but I can say hand on heart my dilemma is my mum missing us so much it would devastate here. Mou course I will miss her and the kids will for sure for I am ready to take that on. we have good friends in sydney that is willing to shop us but we want to look at this as backup like having us for Sunday dinner and the odd help me out not a sole reliant attitude but they are there for us none the less. i appreciate it is my dithering and sound img out on here helps me process it more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Your "lovely" Mum has sent you to Coventry? I wouldn't be calling her lovely after that. I can't really see the point in coming for a year, the costs would be horrendous and either you want to emigrate or you don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HelensvaleHoward Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 12 months will not be long enough to make it financially viable IMO Plus it'll end up being like a long holiday so you won't get a feel for livng here fully It can take 2 to 3 years to feel fully settled Fully commit and return if you feel thats right but don't set a time frame that would be my suggestion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I'd say stay put unless you are 100 percent committed. We'll give it ago almost alway doesn't seem to work fro the experiences I read on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 You want to move to the other side of the world, disrupt your current comfortable life, leave your mother (who is happy to psychologically blackmail you, but you still need to be close to her) and spend a huge amount of money, and you do not have a firm desire/intent/passion to make the move? In a word - stay. Before you make the move, be very sure that this is not just a wish - a "nice to do" type of thing, a "maybe yes, maybe no" approach - that way lies failure. Make this a want, a deep desire, a passion that must be requited. It still may not work out, but you will have given it an excellent shot from the very outset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 If you can't overcome the guilt of leaving your mum then don't bother. It does seem that those who live with the guilt of what they are doing to others struggle more with the displacement. Your mum will cope with her grief the only way she knows without causing herself further hurt - if that is "out of sight and out of mind" then that's the way she will do it, you'll just have to live with it. If you have siblings it's a whole lot easier to leave than if you are an only. If you're just planning for the year - are you prepared to gamble £50k (ball park) for the adventure? If so, go for it (just a number out of thin air but take into account fares, insurances, set up costs, time out of work, holidays around to make the most of your time etc and I doubt you'd see much change from that). have you got a cast iron offer in Aus to put on the table to compare with what you've already got in hand? That makes deciding easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 You don't sound ready to migrate to me and 12 months is little more than an extended holiday so I think you should stay where you are. I have to say I'm surprised you think your mum is lovely if she has sent you to coventry and is treating you dismissively. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 If you can't overcome the guilt of leaving your mum then don't bother. It does seem that those who live with the guilt of what they are doing to others struggle more with the displacement. Your mum will cope with her grief the only way she knows without causing herself further hurt - if that is "out of sight and out of mind" then that's the way she will do it, you'll just have to live with it. If you have siblings it's a whole lot easier to leave than if you are an only. If you're just planning for the year - are you prepared to gamble £50k (ball park) for the adventure? If so, go for it (just a number out of thin air but take into account fares, insurances, set up costs, time out of work, holidays around to make the most of your time etc and I doubt you'd see much change from that). have you got a cast iron offer in Aus to put on the table to compare with what you've already got in hand? That makes deciding easier. As an employer I really hope not - there is nothing worse than being mucked around by migrants who apply for roles and then stuff around trying to work out what they really want to do after an offer is made. It's a huge waste of everyone's time (and money). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolboy Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Stay where you are. Its sounds like you can't male up our mind. Coming here for a year will be a waste of time and money if you are not fully committed. If you want to come make the commitment and come for real. Don't worry about your mum it's your life to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Your "lovely" Mum has sent you to Coventry? I wouldn't be calling her lovely after that. I can't really see the point in coming for a year, the costs would be horrendous and either you want to emigrate or you don't. Yeah Paul1Perth we figure the costings would be crippling and a far cry from what we want or need to spend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 12 months will not be long enough to make it financially viable IMO Plus it'll end up being like a long holiday so you won't get a feel for livng here fully It can take 2 to 3 years to feel fully settled Fully commit and return if you feel thats right but don't set a time frame that would be my suggestion Thanks for the logic, I have this on the back of my mind that 2/3 years is realistic. more likely it is my get out of jail clause i use the one yr plea to help me deal with the personal guilt side of things if i ma honest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 You want to move to the other side of the world, disrupt your current comfortable life, leave your mother (who is happy to psychologically blackmail you, but you still need to be close to her) and spend a huge amount of money, and you do not have a firm desire/intent/passion to make the move? In a word - stay. Before you make the move, be very sure that this is not just a wish - a "nice to do" type of thing, a "maybe yes, maybe no" approach - that way lies failure. Make this a want, a deep desire, a passion that must be requited. It still may not work out, but you will have given it an excellent shot from the very outset. Yes point made. Am sure you will appreciate there is a fuller picture than it being a mum who emotionally blackmails me. yes it is what she is doing but that on its own i feel i would be savvy enough to ignore and move on, but i appreciate pons in oz won't sort that one for me but am airing my thoughts and fears to gain other's opinion however they sound. but you are right about the the nice to do thing and i have considered this. we are a greek irish family and my oh moved from greece to ireland. he rashes with here for years now but giving it a good shot/ it is a lovely place here and we have jobs will mine is more focussed but the oz life is the nice ting to do but also i feel it is the right pot to cook our marriage in that will support both cultures. so i do think of the move as more needed than it being a bucket list type of thing, thanks for your logic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 If you can't overcome the guilt of leaving your mum then don't bother. It does seem that those who live with the guilt of what they are doing to others struggle more with the displacement. Your mum will cope with her grief the only way she knows without causing herself further hurt - if that is "out of sight and out of mind" then that's the way she will do it, you'll just have to live with it. If you have siblings it's a whole lot easier to leave than if you are an only. If you're just planning for the year - are you prepared to gamble £50k (ball park) for the adventure? If so, go for it (just a number out of thin air but take into account fares, insurances, set up costs, time out of work, holidays around to make the most of your time etc and I doubt you'd see much change from that). have you got a cast iron offer in Aus to put on the table to compare with what you've already got in hand? That makes deciding easier. yes you are right i more feel sad that i will miss her and her positive influence on my kids. and with her being 76 my dad has passed quite young , i enjoy her company and her wisdom, she is hurting at missing me. i do have siblings who are her rock too but smaller one than i. but i do still consider it as my kids me and my husband have future which will surpass her. but i do enjoy her will i have her. she is has been diagnosed with a manageable cancer but nonetheless it bothers her etc. i believe once i decide she will come round, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 As an employer I really hope not - there is nothing worse than being mucked around by migrants who apply for roles and then stuff around trying to work out what they really want to do after an offer is made. It's a huge waste of everyone's time (and money). no such luck in my job most contracts are short term and when there there are seasonal panels. i will know by then so won't be mucking any one around, but i appreciate this is not nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Thanks for the logic, I have this on the back of my mind that 2/3 years is realistic. more likely it is my get out of jail clause i use the one yr plea to help me deal with the personal guilt side of things if i ma honest When you say "2/3 years is more realistic", what do you mean? If you mean you'll go for 2 or 3 years then come back, the same advice applies - work out what that will cost you, including the move back. Are you sure you'll even have the money to come home in two or three years? If you mean you need 2 or 3 years to see whether you'll settle, then stop kidding yourself you're going temporarily because you're not, and you need to deal with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 she is has been diagnosed with a manageable cancer but nonetheless it bothers her etc. What kind of "manageable cancer"? There have been great advances in cancer treatment recently but there aren't many cancers guaranteed to be "manageable" forever - management may slow the progress but not stop it. Are you sure your mother has been totally honest with you about her prognosis? I'd suggest doing some research on it. It would be awful to discover she is more sick than she's revealing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prairie Girl Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I think the children will have a tough time being uprooted for only a year. Depending on the social style of your kids, especially the 8year old, it could be very upsetting to have to say goodbye to their UK friends, be lonely and miss them as well as their grandmother for the first 6-9 months, then just as they start to make some nice new friends here, leave them all and go back. My 9 year old grieved for her old friends, and at 9months has just started to get really attached to her new friends here. I think if you want to come just for a year it would be better not to ship anything. Best to just buy new mattresses, cheap IKEA dressers and tables, chairs, and round it out with some dishes from Target and used items from Gumtree, such as an iron, lamps, desk, car etc. The first few months you need these items right away and have to buy them anyways before your shipment arrives. Although in inner Sydney you could skip the car and use public transport. I find the Sydney rental situation kind of awful, especially when you have to rent a 3 bedroom place. There is a big jump in cost to go from 2 bedrooms to 3. We are paying $800 a week for a 3 bedroom townhouse. It isn't that nice. After moving here 3 times over the last 15 years, twice with kids, my advice is to listen to your doubts. It could be harder emotionally than you expect, and harder financially also. This time we rented out our house, got rid of old furniture, and bought cheap used car, IKEA furniture, stuff on Gumtree. We didn't have grandparents or cousins etc living close by that we would miss, and it's still been hard missing the old friends. It is so challenging to watch your kids grieve for people and know you caused it, and sometimes in the first few months you feel desparate to run straight home. However lots of people do it, just know how much money you can tolerate saying goodbye to. It's like an extremely expensive holiday with pain thrown in!!! ( am aware this might be a little negative) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 When you say "2/3 years is more realistic", what do you mean? If you mean you'll go for 2 or 3 years then come back, the same advice applies - work out what that will cost you, including the move back. Are you sure you'll even have the money to come home in two or three years? If you mean you need 2 or 3 years to see whether you'll settle, then stop kidding yourself you're going temporarily because you're not, and you need to deal with that. i was agreeing with a different posters comment that most people take 2/3 years to settle.sorry for confusing you there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 What kind of "manageable cancer"? There have been great advances in cancer treatment recently but there aren't many cancers guaranteed to be "manageable" forever - management may slow the progress but not stop it. Are you sure your mother has been totally honest with you about her prognosis? I'd suggest doing some research on it. It would be awful to discover she is more sick than she's revealing. Wow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I think the children will have a tough time being uprooted for only a year. Depending on the social style of your kids, especially the 8year old, it could be very upsetting to have to say goodbye to their UK friends, be lonely and miss them as well as their grandmother for the first 6-9 months, then just as they start to make some nice new friends here, leave them all and go back. My 9 year old grieved for her old friends, and at 9months has just started to get really attached to her new friends here. I think if you want to come just for a year it would be better not to ship anything. Best to just buy new mattresses, cheap IKEA dressers and tables, chairs, and round it out with some dishes from Target and used items from Gumtree, such as an iron, lamps, desk, car etc. The first few months you need these items right away and have to buy them anyways before your shipment arrives. Although in inner Sydney you could skip the car and use public transport. I find the Sydney rental situation kind of awful, especially when you have to rent a 3 bedroom place. There is a big jump in cost to go from 2 bedrooms to 3. We are paying $800 a week for a 3 bedroom townhouse. It isn't that nice. After moving here 3 times over the last 15 years, twice with kids, my advice is to listen to your doubts. It could be harder emotionally than you expect, and harder financially also. This time we rented out our house, got rid of old furniture, and bought cheap used car, IKEA furniture, stuff on Gumtree. We didn't have grandparents or cousins etc living close by that we would miss, and it's still been hard missing the old friends. It is so challenging to watch your kids grieve for people and know you caused it, and sometimes in the first few months you feel desparate to run straight home. However lots of people do it, just know how much money you can tolerate saying goodbye to. It's like an extremely expensive holiday with pain thrown in!!! ( am aware this might be a little negative) Thanks for that gentle post, refreshing. Yes I am in total agreement with you point about the children especially my 8 yr who is forming strong attachments now to her close people. I am confident we will stay there once we get there and for sure if it is half enjoyable we will stay, we are blessed to have supports in Sydney , we think we will look for 2 bed apartment or townhouse for now , again chicken and egg job of house first? We have done a lot of research on schools in a few areas so have wittled it down to a smaller group of suburbs . you said three times to sydney have you gone back and forward from the uk or is that within oz you speak off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Wow! Sorry if that sounded harsh, but my own Mum died not long after I emigrated. In her case, she had been treated for cancer and we all understood she was free and clear, but I think we all (including Mum) misunderstood what that meant. So unless you've been to the doctors with her and really understand her illness, I'd be making sure you get a real handle on the situation - you'd never forgive yourself if something happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Hi Murta I struggled with similar feelings before I left. It is hard to leave a single parent, I think it would have been easier for me if my a Dad was still alive. My mum is here at the moment, at 73 years old, she flew out on her own. I didn't ever think she would! Personally, I think the one year scenario is only for those who are young and have no family. The financial and emotional cost is huge. But, there are benefits too. Like you, the thought of emigrating never went away, despite me thinking of every conceivable reason for not doing it! Today, I still have moments where I miss people dreadfully. But, I'm sitting here in the warmth, listening to the whip bird and I'm glad I did it. The truth is, you won't ever really know until you try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 No way would I come if I had the thoughts you have, murta. Maybe down the track a bit when you can make more of a commitment and perhaps at the stage when your kids would be changing schools anyway ( going to sec school). It's too far to muck about for just a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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