Alijane Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Hi everyone. I am new to pomsinoz and this is my first post. :cute: I think I need to get somethings off my chest as I have been feeling very homesick lately. I moved to Melbourne 7 years ago as a 26 year old with no particular intentions, just wanted to try it out for a year or so. Well of course I had to meet someone and we now have a 5 month old baby. I have been homesick on and off since I moved here. I am very close to my family, especially my mum and my twin sister but have managed to just get on with life and have regular visits home. Now that I have had a baby, I am feeling so guilty about bringing up my daughter away from my own parents. They do not say anything discouraging and want what is best for me and the baby but it just breaks my heart having to show them the baby on skype all the time. Also, not letting my mum have the opportunity to babysit when I go back to work is breaking my heart and probably hers too. I think part of the problem is that now I feel I am 'stuck here'. I no longer have the freedom to just move home when I want to. I didn't consider that I would feel like this when we fell pregnant. Now I am starting to resent my in -laws and argue with my other half. My in-laws are great...they are just not my parents. I have a huge social network, a great other half, but can't help feeling lonely. My parents would not move here and my other half won't leave his parents. I also get the feeling that everyone thinks that as I made the choice to live in Australia, I should just 'put up with it'. I think I am also homesick for the UK in general - all the nostalgia attached to my own childhood and I want that for my daughter. It also doesn't help that we have moved out of the inner suburb area which I loved and one of the reasons I love Melbourne and have stayed so long. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced all this? Any advice? thanks everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blossom Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 My baby is 8 days old and I'm going through exactly this (other than resenting the in laws bit). It doesn't help that I'm having loads of people ask when my parents are coming over. They can't afford to at the movement. This is their first grandchild, and my sister has said she is never having children (and then had the cheek to tell me I was mean having children so far away from my mum) so their only grandchildren will be over here. I don't know when/if we will get a chance to go over. Skype is good, but it's just not the same. :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alijane Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 It's so hard isn't it. I keep getting the in-laws saying "skype is a wonderful thing though isn't it' and it makes me mad! Its not the same. Yeah my parents can't afford lots of visits. Finally got them here when I was 5 months pregnant but I doubt we will get them over soon. We have just had to drag our baby over there when she was 10 weeks old! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I'm sure there are hormonal issues at play too and you will feel better down the track. I think you need to focus on your family unit as being the one here in Australia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 and blossom I would tell your sister she is being mean saying she will never have any children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blossom Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 and blossom I would tell your sister she is being mean saying she will never have any children. It would go in one ear and out the other. She's the sort who can't see she is doing just as bad as me but a different place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akiralx Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 and blossom I would tell your sister she is being mean saying she will never have any children. Not sure it is mean, just a statement of her feelings/intentions. Nothing wrong with not wanting children. Her other comment to her sister was rather tactless, admittedly. I have a female friend whose family pressure her to have children - her father told her he only had her to have grandchildren! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Hi everyone. I am new to pomsinoz and this is my first post. :cute:I think I need to get somethings off my chest as I have been feeling very homesick lately. I moved to Melbourne 7 years ago as a 26 year old with no particular intentions, just wanted to try it out for a year or so. Well of course I had to meet someone and we now have a 5 month old baby. I have been homesick on and off since I moved here. I am very close to my family, especially my mum and my twin sister but have managed to just get on with life and have regular visits home. Now that I have had a baby, I am feeling so guilty about bringing up my daughter away from my own parents. They do not say anything discouraging and want what is best for me and the baby but it just breaks my heart having to show them the baby on skype all the time. Also, not letting my mum have the opportunity to babysit when I go back to work is breaking my heart and probably hers too. I think part of the problem is that now I feel I am 'stuck here'. I no longer have the freedom to just move home when I want to. I didn't consider that I would feel like this when we fell pregnant. Now I am starting to resent my in -laws and argue with my other half. My in-laws are great...they are just not my parents. I have a huge social network, a great other half, but can't help feeling lonely. My parents would not move here and my other half won't leave his parents. I also get the feeling that everyone thinks that as I made the choice to live in Australia, I should just 'put up with it'. I think I am also homesick for the UK in general - all the nostalgia attached to my own childhood and I want that for my daughter. It also doesn't help that we have moved out of the inner suburb area which I loved and one of the reasons I love Melbourne and have stayed so long. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced all this? Any advice? thanks everyone The U.K of your childhood (and mine for that matter) no longer exists. A trip might be a good idea? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I reckon that we, after reading several threads/posts on here, are one of the lucky family's in that both sides of our family have always been happy, and in fact encouraged us to lead our own lives as we feel fit and not to have any regrets our guilt, and this form of free spirit we have passed on to our children too. I admit there is some sadness from time to time, as Linda misses the two grandchildren growing up in England (costs me a damn fortune in postage with the little presents Linda sends all the time), and recent events here in Oz could have meant our daughter, whom is married to an Aussie soldier, moving over to Perth, and grandkids could have happened there, but then her in-laws would have benefited on that one, so one's loss is another's gain so they say. (not happening now) So with all this freedom without guilt we have acceptance and this was brought home to me again this last weekend when speaking to my mother (in her 80's) on the phone, when for reasons I cannot recall, she reaffirmed that we must lead our own lives and that she is happiest knowing that we do exactly that. We do have cousins in the UK that would have trouble even moving to the next suburb without thinking they are being or accused of selfishness, and both Linda and I have trouble relating to this restrictive tie. I wish you well in whatever your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alijane Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 I reckon that we, after reading several threads/posts on here, are one of the lucky family's in that both sides of our family have always been happy, and in fact encouraged us to lead our own lives as we feel fit and not to have any regrets our guilt, and this form of free spirit we have passed on to our children too. I admit there is some sadness from time to time, as Linda misses the two grandchildren growing up in England (costs me a damn fortune in postage with the little presents Linda sends all the time), and recent events here in Oz could have meant our daughter, whom is married to an Aussie soldier, moving over to Perth, and grandkids could have happened there, but then her in-laws would have benefited on that one, so one's loss is another's gain so they say. (not happening now)So with all this freedom without guilt we have acceptance and this was brought home to me again this last weekend when speaking to my mother (in her 80's) on the phone, when for reasons I cannot recall, she reaffirmed that we must lead our own lives and that she is happiest knowing that we do exactly that. We do have cousins in the UK that would have trouble even moving to the next suburb without thinking they are being or accused of selfishness, and both Linda and I have trouble relating to this restrictive tie. I wish you well in whatever your decision. Thank you for that advice Keith and Linda. My parents also encourage me to live the life I want and to not restrict myself but I can't shake these guilty feelings. Its 100% my problem. Luckily, travelling to and fro is easy (even though very pricey!). I do visit quite often but I guess I miss the fact that mum can't just drop in for a spot of babysitting when we feel like it. As a female, there is no one like your own mother once you have had a baby of your own Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Wouldn't you feel equally guilty if you forced your partner to move to the UK ? I probably think like a male and you might not like it but if a woman goes to Australia and meets an Australian man in Australia and has a baby in Australia, I think they should stay in Australia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicF Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Those of us in mixed marriages (one Brit, one Aussie) all have to compromise at some point or it all becomes one sided. I do kind of know how you feel. I met my Australian OH in the UK and we always said we would move to Australia at some point. Then we had our first child and a year later moved to be closer to my parents. For a long time I didn't want to move away because being close to my family seemed more important. As my kids got older it all seemed less important and I felt more comfortable with the idea of moving away. Then, after 13 years together in the UK, my OH and I moved to Australia to be close to his family. When your kids are small being close to family seems really important. But remember your kids have two sets of grandparents and each set is just as important as the other. I know they are not your family but your in laws are your child's grandparents too and moving to the UK would mean that set of grandparents would miss out instead. Which ever country you live in half the family will miss out on close contact with your kids. I think you need to sit down and have a good talk with your OH about the longer term. Staying in Australia for the rest of your lives is not going to be fair on you and your family but moving tomorrow and spending the rest of your lives in the UK would not be fair on your OH and his family either. The two of you need to work out a plan that will work for both of you and allow you both to spend as much time with each family as possible. This may mean staying in Australia for the time being and moving later down the track, or it may mean moving over to the UK for a set period of time, you will have to work it out together. Just be aware that the UK visa situation may be the determining factor in if and when you could move to the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alijane Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 Thanks for your opinion and advice Parleycross. It's not really a case of forcing anyone to live anywhere in particular. I was just explaining my feelings of guilt towards my own parents and wondered if anyone had any advice on how to cope with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Welcome to Motherhood. You will never again live your life without feeling guilty about one thing or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicF Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Thanks for your opinion and advice. It's not really a case of forcing anyone to live anywhere in particular. I was just explaining my feelings of guilt towards my own parents and wondered if anyone had any advice on how to cope with this. As a parent you will always feel guilt. Get used to that feeling and learn to either live with it or ignore it. Bit flippant, but you have to not beat yourself up about the stuff you can't control and just do your best with the other stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I think the problem starts with your mindset. You call England "home". You do not feel your in-laws are family, at least, not as far as it impacts you. For your child, its' family is all here. Down that path you will go of taking 2/3 of your family away from their immediate family and into extended family, where you think you will be more comfortable. It does not sound like a great idea. does it? The next problem will probably arise from a fundamental lack of communication. You think your mother really really wants to babysit, and I am sure she would love to, but how much? At your financial and social expense? And hubby - what does he think? Then you mention that everyone here is fantastic, but you miss ... the nostalgia of your own childhood. Your child will grow up in Australia and develop its' own nostalgia for a childhood in Australia. Unless, of course, you take it to the UK, where it will develop a different set of nostalgia. All good, sure. But what you are really saying is you want to revisit your childhood. I could go on, but that would be mean. I think the real issue is not with your family in England or Australia, but with your thoughts, your mindset, and I wonder if hormones and some postnatal depression might not be the real issue. So my bottom line is as follows: 1. do nothing yet 2. see a GP and get assessed for PND - and treated if need be 3. plan a holiday with hubby and child in the UK. Make it an extended holiday if you like 4. communicate - both internally with yourself (really important this point - it is easy to forget the need for a good understanding of your own soul) and externally with your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I think the problem starts with your mindset. You call England "home". You do not feel your in-laws are family, at least, not as far as it impacts you. For your child, its' family is all here. Down that path you will go of taking 2/3 of your family away from their immediate family and into extended family, where you think you will be more comfortable. It does not sound like a great idea. does it? The next problem will probably arise from a fundamental lack of communication. You think your mother really really wants to babysit, and I am sure she would love to, but how much? At your financial and social expense? And hubby - what does he think? Then you mention that everyone here is fantastic, but you miss ... the nostalgia of your own childhood. Your child will grow up in Australia and develop its' own nostalgia for a childhood in Australia. Unless, of course, you take it to the UK, where it will develop a different set of nostalgia. All good, sure. But what you are really saying is you want to revisit your childhood. I could go on, but that would be mean. I think the real issue is not with your family in England or Australia, but with your thoughts, your mindset, and I wonder if hormones and some postnatal depression might not be the real issue. So my bottom line is as follows: 1. do nothing yet 2. see a GP and get assessed for PND - and treated if need be 3. plan a holiday with hubby and child in the UK. Make it an extended holiday if you like 4. communicate - both internally with yourself (really important this point - it is easy to forget the need for a good understanding of your own soul) and externally with your family. Post of the month Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blossom Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Well I for one have no plans to move back to the UK, and my parents have only ever been supportive of me moving over here. That's one of the reasons I feel guilty. I know my mum has always looked forwards to being a grandparent so I think it's only natural to feel bad that they are missing out on that experience. I do think some of you are being a bit harsh on someone going through something which is surely inevitable for most people in this position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Thank you for that advice Keith and Linda. My parents also encourage me to live the life I want and to not restrict myself but I can't shake these guilty feelings. Its 100% my problem. Luckily, travelling to and fro is easy (even though very pricey!). I do visit quite often but I guess I miss the fact that mum can't just drop in for a spot of babysitting when we feel like it. As a female, there is no one like your own mother once you have had a baby of your own Not so much advise but my story, when we moved to Oz our two working age teenagers came with us with number 1 son remaining in UK and has since had two children. So we have had a double whammy of missing child and grandkids. Going back to when our children were small we moved from Leeds, where I come from, down to Wiltshire, where Linda comes from, so my parents got the benefit of the first 5 years with our children, and the in-laws got the next 10-12 years. My parents don't drive so had to rely on us visiting them which we did approx. every 4 weeks. Since moving to OZ, son 1 and family have been out twice, the mother in-law has been here once and will not travel any more, and my parents have been several times but are now getting too old to travel, so it looks like we will be doing all the visiting from now on. This is a long accepted way of family life for us and do not find it a hindrance, but the time we do have together is fulfilling, much enjoyed and appreciated by all. Two of my other brothers and my sister have all in some way since teenagers lived/worked in several places around the globe, and though pleased for each others ventures, we may, at times, have been a little jealous of each others location choices. Must say though our parents have also had the benefit of enjoying the world too by their (subsidized) visiting to all of us on our travels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alijane Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 Well I for one have no plans to move back to the UK, and my parents have only ever been supportive of me moving over here. That's one of the reasons I feel guilty. I know my mum has always looked forwards to being a grandparent so I think it's only natural to feel bad that they are missing out on that experience. I do think some of you are being a bit harsh on someone going through something which is surely inevitable for most people in this position. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Only natural hon to be feeling like you are.My own daughter lives 300 miles from us,and she is always telling me she wishes I lived around the corner!lol I know what you mean though.Even though your MIL might be a very nice person,no one can replace your own Mum.I think its probably best right now to keep focussed on the present time,and not put your mind out there to somewhere in the future,because that can and will cause you alot of grief.Yes it will feel painful at times,being so far away,and nothing can really stop that,but acceptance is achievable.As you have said your OH is not interested in moving to the UK,and there is not alot you can do about that unfortunately.For him,he has everything he needs,his family and extended family,so why would he want to?If you were living in the UK right now and were settled,you probably would dig your heels in too right?So please dont be too hard on him lol Its so hard though when you are missing people,I know exactly how you feel,as Im sure most people on this forum do.Most of all though,take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katie22 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 My mum died when I was in my 20's and I remember the grief of losing her hit me like a truck again when I had my first child 5 years later - I missed her so much. Having a child yourself makes you see your mum differently so I think what you're feeling is really really normal - it's bringing up memories of your own happy childhood too. Its one of the lousy negatives of emigrating. Take each day at a time, plan for your next catchup, and just keep up the contact, and don't feel bad about feeling sad - normal emotion in the circumstances, and from the sounds of it, I doubt whether your mum would want you to feel guilty at all - am sure she misses you just as much but she wants you to live your own life and to be happy. Maybe talk to her and tell her how you feel. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I look at my children now and they have a fantastic network of friends who they spend many hours with and go on holidays with quite often ,too. I take pleasure in the fact that they still keep in touch with many of their old schoolfriends and other people they grew up with here in Melbourne. They are in their 30s and 40s now and have their own school age children. It is different for us, we have had to make friends from scratch when we came here and most of our friends have no concept of what it is like to emigrate because they were born here and have always lived pretty locally( except for a couple). Sometimes I do think how nice it must be to share childhood memories with friends but then I came from inner London so most of my friends moved elsewhere anywhere ( no one could afford it there when they were young). Hang in there- things will get better and you will meet heaps of young mums once you get to the kinders and schools and even the mothers' groups. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I often wonder if Skype almost makes it worse than it would have been for emigrants in the last century. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alijane Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 My mum died when I was in my 20's and I remember the grief of losing her hit me like a truck again when I had my first child 5 years later - I missed her so much. Having a child yourself makes you see your mum differently so I think what you're feeling is really really normal - it's bringing up memories of your own happy childhood too. Its one of the lousy negatives of emigrating. Take each day at a time, plan for your next catchup, and just keep up the contact, and don't feel bad about feeling sad - normal emotion in the circumstances, and from the sounds of it, I doubt whether your mum would want you to feel guilty at all - am sure she misses you just as much but she wants you to live your own life and to be happy. Maybe talk to her and tell her how you feel. X I am so sorry that you have been through that. My first thought upon reading your post was that I am lucky to have the choice to see my parents in the first place Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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