Guest km75 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I really feel for you Rachel, I can't even imagine what you've gone through over the past ten years and what you are going through right now. I think you are being very brave and very fair - however, given that your ex has a bit of a temper and you've not met his new wife, I don't think I could let me son go (though it is impossible to know what I would really do). It is fabulous that your son holds his dad in such high regard and has such a good relationship with him - could you get him to agree to a compromise - he can visit his dad and brothers for the long holidays and at 16 he can move permanently. The school your son is going to start in September sounds amazing, in a year everything could change. I guess he is going through puberty so I am sure lots of irrational thoughts are running through his mind. I can't believe that if your son did chose to move to Australia that you couldn't get some sort of visa, seems so unfair. Really do feel for you, thinking of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Rachel I'm sure you looked in to all your visa options, but just thought I would mention it and I don't even know if it's viable anymore but a Cairns mum managed to stay in Australia whilst her son was on a student visa, once he turned 18 she had to make her own plans though. Like others I agree to let him go but just for a holiday maybe even 2/3 months I am sure once he is away he will realise what he is missing. Our children always think the grass is greener. I'm just thankful you have a great relationship with his father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Rachel I'm sure you looked in to all your visa options, but just thought I would mention it and I don't even know if it's viable anymore but a Cairns mum managed to stay in Australia whilst her son was on a student visa, once he turned 18 she had to make her own plans though. Like others I agree to let him go but just for a holiday maybe even 2/3 months I am sure once he is away he will realise what he is missing. Our children always think the grass is greener. I'm just thankful you have a great relationship with his father. There are no visa options left for me. Once my son had lived there full time for two years I may be eligible for a parent visa but wouldn't be able to afford it. DIAC have got me on their 'blacklist' so to speak because I kicked up such a fuss when I was there and went to the press about my situation. I don't know of anyone else who has been banned from applying for any visa for three years! When I applied for a tourist visa a few years ago so that I could go for a holiday it got refused. I contacted DIAC and they sent me a form that was about ten pages long and I had to list 'everyone' I know in Oz and give their address and phone number, and then get two Aussie friends to lodge $50,000 with them to guarantee that I would leave on a certain date. I assume they wanted to know 'everyone' that I knew so that if I did refuse to leave then they knew what doors to start knocking on to look for me. I didn't bother proceeding after that. I couldn't possibly ask friends to lodge that sort of money (even though they would have got it back because I would have left). So, if that is the only way I can go for a holiday, going to live is virtually impossible. My son going for a longer stretch of a few months is not viable either. This is due to the restrictions in the UK with school holidays. Parents are being fined now for taking children out of school in term time and schools are not obliged to keep places open. The biggest opportunity for a longer stretch will be to go for 6 weeks each year and fly out the day after school breaks up at the end of term and fly back a few days before the new term starts. That is what I'll be prepared to do next year. Thanks to all the lovely help and support on here I have decided he is NOT going to live in Australia full time until he has finished his senior school education in the UK and is then free to come and go between the two countries if he pleases. I am not taking the risk that his dad will refuse to allow him to leave if he doesn't settle there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Good on you, Rachel - pragmatically, his HS education in the school he is going to will stand him in very good stead. Maybe you could look at a couple of weeks over one of the other holidays eg Christmas one year. Maybe that could be an incentive for a successful term at school. Meanwhile - just a thought - do you model good "friend" behaviour? Do you do stuff which leads you to connect with other like minded people? As parents we do tend to give up on our own stuff in order to pander to their needs, interests and opportunities. If you've let your "you" stuff slide, maybe now would be a good time to model that. I mentioned male role models too - is that something your extended family/friends could foster? In ACT we had a kind of "Big brother/Sister" scheme going on which was a big hit especially with boys in single parent families. it sounds like you truly are a G&T mum! Maybe a wine tasting course might be of interest LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinob Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Rachel, probably like everyone else reading this thread I have changed my mind from reading your first post through to the end! At first I thought it wouldn't be of any harm to let your son go, but once you gave more detail I realised that staying with you is the only and best option for him. You are a great Mum, your first thought was to give him what he wanted even though it would break you. Don't look back on your decision ever and second guess yourself. You are doing what's best for your boy until he is of an age to make the decision. I really admire you. Printing this whole thread off so you have it to look at in future as a previous poster suggested is a great idea! Best of luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 it sounds like you truly are a G&T mum! Maybe a wine tasting course might be of interest LOL I do look back with very fond memories of my days out in the Barossa Valley. Shame there isn't something like it in the West Midlands, heaven knows I could have done with a 'winery tour' this weekend! I do have a very good male friend who my son sees as his 'odd-father' and my son thinks the world of him. We see him every week and he will take him out to play golf, pool, or to the cinema. The three of us do lots of things together and my son would like us to be a couple, but it's purely a platonic relationship for me. He's even been on holiday with us a few times, which my son loves. However, I guess no one makes up for a parent, no matter how nice they are? My son just wants a dad, his dad. I don't want a partner, I guess I'm scared to put my son through another failed relationship and losing someone he's got close to again. With my male friend I know he won't leave us. Even when he has a girlfriend he keeps in touch and he's promised me that he will always stick around for my son. He's been around for four years now, so I think he means it. Because his dad has had a different house and/or a different girlfriend/wife when he's gone to Australia I've made sure things remain consistent in the UK. So I've purposely stayed single, no men staying over, no strangers in my bedroom or the house when my son wakes up in the morning, no different 'friends' coming and going. My son once commented that he had a dad suitable for the Jeremy Kyle show and is embarrassed he's got three kids by three women, said he'd nearly got more wives than Henry VIII. He says it jokingly (says it to his dad on the phone too), but I don't want him tarnishing me with the same brush :embarrassed: God! I lead such a boring life. I think I do need to get out there and put myself about a bit! Roll on next Friday - I've got four weeks to live as a single woman... PS I've printed the thread before I added this post, thanks for the suggestion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M1cha3la Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I do look back with very fond memories of my days out in the Barossa Valley. Shame there isn't something like it in the West Midlands, heaven knows I could have done with a 'winery tour' this weekend! . There is a vineyard that does tours near Tamworh.. Buzzard Valley. Not quite the Barossa Valley but they have some good events if you like that sort of thing :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 I have an update from my son, and from a purely selfish reason I am so glad to have it! He has been in Adelaide for just over three weeks now and having a great time with his dad and his brothers. He loves his little baby brother who he hadn't met before. He told me that he missed me, couldn't wait to see me again and that he no longer wanted to live there! He thinks his life in England is better, he's finding Australia a bit boring and quiet and thinks he will be better off living there when he's an adult rather than now. Hearing this from him has made me feel so much happier. I'm so glad that he's made this decision himself and I won't now have to make it for him. He's got one more week left and this time next week he'll be home with me. I can't wait, (although I have to admit having four weeks to myself has been bloody great!) :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Good to hear that Rachel! Takes a load off, huh?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Like others, the more of this thread I read, the more I thought he should stay with you. I'm so happy he decided that he wants to come to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 That's great news, Rachel! It was going to be tough to make the decision for him. So much better that he's decided for himself and he won't hold it against you. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs miggins Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Great news! :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Well, here I am again, one year on, and sadly, not much has changed. My son is now 12, almost 13, and for the past four months has been very unhappy again. He started his new senior school in the UK and was doing really well there and getting good grades, but around March I started to get regular calls and letters from school regarding his behaviour and disruption in class. His exam results excelled in some areas and were very poor in others. At home he has been moody, rude, quiet, reclusive, argumentative, (typical teenage stuff I suppose), but overall, he has lost the sparkle in his eyes and is so sad all of the time. He is bored with me and longing for life in Australia with his dad and brothers again. So this time, I have agreed to let him go. He leaves in just over two weeks time and is going to come back and spend Christmas with me. I am gutted, but his happiness is more important than anything to me, and if he believes that an Aussie life is what will make him happy then I will have to let him try it out. He is going on the understanding that if at Christmas he wants to return and live with me for good then he will (thankfully his school have agreed to keep a place in Year 8 for him until January), otherwise he will return to Oz and start senior school there in January 2016. I'm going to miss him so much - it's just been the two of us for the last eight years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Aw sorry to hear that Rachel but you never know your luck, he might well be champing at the bit to return for good at Christmas! He was pretty quick to see the downside last time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Sorry to hear that Rachel, at least he has the option to change his lifestyle. So many teenagers are trapped and unhappy in schools and you have done a self-less thing in allowing him to go. He will respect you for that no doubt when he is older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Well, here I am again, one year on, and sadly, not much has changed. My son is now 12, almost 13, and for the past four months has been very unhappy again. He started his new senior school in the UK and was doing really well there and getting good grades, but around March I started to get regular calls and letters from school regarding his behaviour and disruption in class. His exam results excelled in some areas and were very poor in others. At home he has been moody, rude, quiet, reclusive, argumentative, (typical teenage stuff I suppose), but overall, he has lost the sparkle in his eyes and is so sad all of the time. He is bored with me and longing for life in Australia with his dad and brothers again. So this time, I have agreed to let him go. He leaves in just over two weeks time and is going to come back and spend Christmas with me. I am gutted, but his happiness is more important than anything to me, and if he believes that an Aussie life is what will make him happy then I will have to let him try it out. He is going on the understanding that if at Christmas he wants to return and live with me for good then he will (thankfully his school have agreed to keep a place in Year 8 for him until January), otherwise he will return to Oz and start senior school there in January 2016. I'm going to miss him so much - it's just been the two of us for the last eight years. Sorry to hear this news. You are a very brave lady indeed. Please don't say things like "he is bored with me" though, he isn't bored with you, he probably has some romantic ideas about this other life. I expect what he really wants is his parents in the same country, but that cannot be. Stay strong, be good to yourself and start to think about Rachel time, what you will do to fill up the gaps (in terms of time I mean, I know the gap cannot be filled). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 The old saying about children being on loan to us is so true, but you can take pride in the fact that you have raised an independent young man with adventure in his soul, and enough courage to chase that adventure. But be kind to yourself too. Many parents go through a form of grieving when their adult children emigrate, so how much tougher is this path you are walking. But you will always be his mum no matter what and if things work out for him, you will know you did the right thing. On the other hand if they don’t work out, you will be there to pick up the pieces. So whichever way you look at it you are a courageous and selfless mum, and he is lucky to have you on his side. Take care :hug: T x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Like many I found this thread a cautionary and difficult story. I am older now and one thing I have learnt is not to give advice, and to be careful about taking advice, no matter how well meaning. It's easy to offer advice when we have no accountability for the outcome. As we have seen clearly on this thread things are complicated and there are rarely simple or obvious paths to take. We read posts on here and think we know and understand the situation, but of course we don't. Everyone is different and everyone's personal situation has its own complications. We can share our own experience and observations and share things that helped, or hurt us, but we can never understand other people's experiences and challenges. It it is tempting for me to suggest seeking qualified guidance but many of us know that can do more harm than good and genuine qualified support often comes with a large invoice. In my (limited) experience of the counselling 'industry' especially the 'volunteer' variety, is full of (well meaning) people who have a delusional belief in their own abilities and have no accountability for any damage they may cause. As far as I know there is limited evidence that it is of any real help or achieves positive outcomes. It seems to me there is a lot of luck involved, if you come across someone with real intelligence, experience and insight it can help but if you get one of the ego driven, self absorbed types run, and maybe try someone else. No matter what guidance we may seek in the end decisions are ours. When we are younger it's easy to think emigration is going to be a happy and exciting experience, 30 years on it can all look very different. We want to believe it will all work out with happy outcomes, we live in a time where people think enough positive thinking cures everything, the evidence is rather different. The fact is life doesn't always work out we have to cope with the choices we make and the circumstances that surround us. There are so many difficult events which we don't consider until they arise. Visa and citizenship problems, marriage breakdowns, financial difficulties, single parenting, isolation ...... You have said you don't want a partner, that is very different than me, I always wanted a partner . I have always thought the close support and companionship that comes from having a good partner is a major factor in whether life is good. Sadly for me I never achieved my wish of finding someone, that will always be a matter of extreme grief to me. I don't want to fall into the trap of believing I can offer advice but I will suggest exploring your own situation. If we are happy I would think those around us are more likely to be happy. Sometimes focusing on problems we see in others diverts us from focusing on ourselves. In fact it can seem selfish and inappropriate to want to seek our own happiness when we feel we should be worrying about the happiness of someone else, balance the two perhaps. We can only do our best, seek counsel and support if we can. The virtual world has its place, if we can find practical ongoing support in the real world that's better but not always available. There are no easy answers, my rambling observations are just that, observations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's a very selfless thing you are doing, I know exactly how you are feeling right at this point ,but he has to experience it for himself. Try not to make him feel like he's choosing between the two of you, I know it's hard. I wish you strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It is terribly sad you weren't able to settle in Australia all those years ago. Such heartache and misery for you and your son. I hope you will be able to move to Australia too soon which would be the ideal outcome for your family. Good Luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 This sounds quite familiar to me because my grandson went back to live with his father about aged 13. He spent the next couple of years there and went to school in a suburb nearby, having left the ( very good) school near his mother's house. Fast forward 2 years- back to mother's house and back to the original school for the next few years. Then- same again but this time his father refused to have him so he stayed with his mother but not too happy. Now he is with us, left home and at uni . Reasonable relationship with both mother and father and looking to rent independently though not much money. It is hard for these young ones these days- no answers but just to say you are not alone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Thank you all for your encouraging words and support, especially to Country Vic - very wise words indeed, and Starlight7 - I'm keeping my fingers crossed! Since joining this forum I have seen some great advice, thoughts and opinions, and recently I read in a post where someone had quoted "It doesn't matter where you go, there you are!" - something that I found to be so true, and certainly applied to myself and my partner when we moved to Oz 11 years ago. I have a feeling that is also going to apply to my son. He came home from school yesterday slightly happier, but still torn, and is now worried that his is abandoning me. I've told him this is not the case, and that what he is doing is something that he needs to do in order to satisfy his curiosity. Here is home, dads is dad's house. He is fortunate to be able to have a five month time frame to try that life without losing everything here. He is going on a five week return ticket and he if he wants to use that return ticket after five weeks he can. If he doesn't use it then he stays on for another four months, then he comes home for Christmas. And that is the point where he has to make a decision - and if there is any uncertainty then the default plan is he stays here with me. But during his time in Australia he has to make an effort to find new friends and he's going to have to do his homework and try hard at school, do his chores, just as he does here. At the moment he thinks that the weather and a new family are going to make him instantly happier. I've no idea whether I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing - only time will tell, but at this moment in time this feels the right decision for all of us. I've given him roots, now I'm giving him wings! The choice he makes at Christmas will be the one that either elates me or deflates me. Someone asked me a few months ago "if you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?" The answer now, "I'd never have bloody emigrated." :arghh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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