Quoll Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Oh dear! (((Hugs))) You occupied my thoughts while working out in the gym (perhaps not wise, so take with a pinch of salt!) My first thought was that he is probably very fearful of the move to HS - having had an unpleasant experience he probably fears the same will happen with the new school - my concern was rather that Aus schools are not known for their lack of bullying and once they target a victim they can be like little piranhas! He's probably hoping that you will make the decision for him - he's put it out there but is obviously ambivalent and wants the grown ups to decide. Personally I'd be reluctant to let him go for several reasons - it's lovely that he loves his dad but his dad hasn't demonstrated wonderful stability either with temperament or relationships and he runs the risk of being in the middle of another family disruption - often exacerbated when a new kid comes along to disturb the equilibrium - once in Australia I can imagine that even if he hated it, he wouldn't be allowed to leave again - such a move would require an inordinate amount of trust in a person who has reneged in the past - finishing his school education in UK (and well done on him getting into a good grammar school!) would be keeping all his options wide open - he'd be able to access Uni in either of them far more easily - to get an equivalent education in Aus someone will probably have to fork out for private school which would impact available cash for trips back - travel from UK-Aus return is much cheaper than Aus-UK so the number of visits to you could be cut to accommodate that - Santa Claus is always going to win out over the mundane day to day stuff! It takes maturity to recognize that Santa disappears once Christmas (aka access holidays) is over Perhaps you can acknowledge his desire to be more part of his dad's life with more trips per year. It's hard to explain to a little kid what an amazing opportunity is being handed him on a plate - hopefully he will love HS and all the trips and opportunities it offers Talk to him about things he might like to do to remove the mundane feeling - learning a new sport, taking up a new hobby, making more of an effort to do stuff at weekends, becoming closer to a male role model within the family: going fishing with grandpa, playing basketball with a big uncle/cousin etc Reiterate that you gave heard him but as the adult you have to make decisions based on his best interest - nothing is going to be perfect but given that it could be better, you'll all have to work out ways to make it better - ask him how he could make the years to finishing school in UK, better. You need to be clear to his dad that you are in control and need to make the grown up decisions and all you were doing is sussing what options there may be. Solomon had it easy in comparison didn't he?! good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 I've been mulling over all of your advice and just want to add a few more things. My son has only ever met his step-mum once during a three week visit last Christmas. He said she is lovely, and my ex's parents (who I still see regularly and get on brilliantly with) say she is very nice. She is supporting her husband by saying she will take his child on full time, but this is very hard for her to do. I couldn't imagine having a child come to live with me in my home full time that I'd only met once for three weeks. How many of you would be willing and able to do that, what would your concerns be, how would you cope with a child you didn't really know? I have been amazed that my ex has stayed in regular contact with out son, but pleased he has. I really did think he'd just give up on him. However, not once has he ever offered to help me out financially with any extra stuff for him. He refused to pay me any maintenance for him and I had to go through the CSA. He refused to co-operate with the CSA so they take his payments direct from his salary. He was fuming with that and told me many years ago he would not pay one cent more than what the Aussie government deemed necessary and he never has. As he has had more children the payments have gone down. It's me that has paid for his school trips, holidays, hobbys, football subs, horse riding etc. I worked part time for many years to be able to take my son to school and be home for him afterwards and only went full time earlier this year because I knew senior school was looming and the grammar school we have chosen has expensive taste! I've saved already for the trip to France next year that I knew would be coming. For those of you that have touched on the 'what if my ex won't let my son return to the UK if he's unhappy?' I do have to consider this carefully and perhaps take some legal advice on this. My ex emailed me yesterday and gave me 'his word' that if our son went to Oz and wasn't happy then he would let him come home. However, in the past my ex has given me 'his word' on two occasions and gone back on them both times, one of them leaving me trapped in Oz for two years in poverty until I could legally come home. If I consent to my son moving to Oz to live with his dad then this will once again change his country of habitual residence and I don't trust my ex to allow him to return as he has said he would. I'd probably not have a legal leg to stand on in getting him back again and he could be stuck there unhappily until he was 16. I can't believe I've overlooked this - I guess I've been too caught up in what my son wants and trying desperately to satisfy his needs/requests. The thing is, I don't want to keep looking back to the past. I want to believe that my ex has learnt from what we went through and would now act in our son's best interests, but in reality, he hasn't shown that much evidence really. I don't want to bad mouth him to my son, I want my son to make his own mind up about his dad. I could easily tell him some truths that could may be alienate him from his dad, or make him hate me for telling him such things, so I keep quiet. There was a time when he told me his daddy was a 'nasty and angry man' after one visit, but then when he goes 9 months without seeing him and just has the phone calls he puts him on a pedestal again and thinks he's the best dad since sliced bread. On another visit he told me his dad had a road rage incident with another driver, called him a "f***ing w*nker" then raced him up the highway and wouldn't let him get in to the traffic in front. My son said the man had to brake hard to avoid a crash. This was with my son aged 9 and his 4 year old brother in the car. It's bad, but it's possibly isolated. Are things like this good enough reasons to justify stopping your child living with his dad full time? Am I better to continue as we are, and allow the visits to increase to six weeks holiday every year in summer from next year? Sorry to have to give you a few more personal details, I don't want to come across as a bitter and twisted ex who delights in severing a dad's relationship with his child, I want them to have that, but I'm not sure to what extent it should be? I don't want to get it wrong for my son's sake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 @ Quoll - your post has appeared whilst I've been typing my (third) update and you have made some really good points. Thank you so much for your input - you have basically understood my above concerns before they'd even appeared! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Rachel, I am sat here with my 11 year old and feeling tearful after reading your post. I totally admire that you want to do the best for your son and I don't think I could be so selfless but after reading your second post I do have serious doubts it would be the right thing. I am not personally in your situation as I am still married to my son's father but I have plenty of divorced friends and there is probably not one child who has not at some point said they want to go and live with the other parent - you have to try and put emotion to one side and consider what is best long term for him. The fact he barely knows his 'step-mum' and the fact his dad could prevent him returning to the UK IMHO means moving to Australia now is not the best thing for him. Yes, you risk him resenting you but if you do it for the 'right' reasons and not selfish reasons (& as I say I don't think I could let my son go for selfish reasons!) then as an adult he will understand. 11 year olds may not be teenagers but i am very aware of the hormones stirring in mine, the next 5 years ain't going to be so easy I know that already. There is every chance if you let him go he'll resent you for that so just do what is right for him as he his eyes before too long you'll be able to do no right anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I'd have very serious doubts about letting my child - any child - under the aegis of an adult who engaged in road rage with kids in the car! That your son reported that must've scared him. I'm wondering whether your son is actually feeling sorry for his dad - sort of isolated out there, without any of his "other family". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wakeboard1980 Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Rachel you sound like a good mum to me, I'm sure you will make the right decision, take your time and I'm sure you will see both the positives and negatives. It's really only you that can make the decision along with input from your son and your ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MovingtoTasmania Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Rachel, now that I've read your updated posts, I feel that you need to consider carefully the impact that living with someone who seems to have so little control over their emotional responses will have your son. (I'm also a bit concerned about the fact that he may renege on his "promise" to allow your son to come back to the UK but I'm sure you could possibly get something drawn up legally, although I'm not sure how this would stand up in the Australian courts) I have to agree to the pedestal thing. I just want to address a big concern that many have expressed and that is that the step mother would differentiate between her own (natural) child and your son. Of course, leaving aside that she has only ever met your son once for three weeks (I had assumed your ex had been with this lady for a long time for some reason), you can't assume that she would differentiate or not be able to treat and love him as her own, much in the same way that any parent who adopts a child loves that child as their own. Just because someone hasn't given birth to a child and has to another, doesn't mean that the child who doesn't share their DNA is any less to them or any less in their heart. I can't say what this lady is like as I don't know her and I know that there are stepmothers who hate their stepchildren from my own experience but I also know from experience that you can love a child who absolutely doesn't share your DNA and that child is yours regardless of it's parentage and no less dear and no less your child and no less in your heart as the child that you gave birth too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that depends on the person, not the scenario. I wouldn't be and I am not comfortable with saying that this lady would not love your child as her own as she may well do. I am concerned at your ex's ability to parent consistently and fairly however, now that you have updated with the circumstances and I would be concerned that you are sending a child in to a potentially abusive situation as abuse doesn't need to happen to someone in order for it to affect them as I'm sure you know. :hug::hug::hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Having read your subsequent posts, the thing that jumps out at me the most is that your ex has a history of abuse. I would be VERY reluctant (and that's a mild reaction) to let my child live with anyone with that history, especially when there is a very real risk that he would not be allowed to leave again. Even if the abuse wasn't directed at the child, they are still witness to it and the long term impact of that can be enormous, especially in their own future relationships. The road rage incident is proof that, at the very least, your ex is still capable of angry outbursts. I wonder if his new wife really is up for taking your son on, or has been told that's what's happening, like it, or not. What a horrible situation for you. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamffc Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Does he have many friends in the UK, especially any that might be going to the new school? He might not have considered that he could miss them. My parents nearly moved to New Zealand when I was ten and I was hugely keen but my mum didn't want to. Looking back I was too young to make an informed decision and my enthusiasm was based on a six week holiday we had there a year earlier. If you haven't already perhaps it is worth reminding him that, people aside, ultimately his life would not be all that much different to the UK. He'll have to do homework, house chores, the schools will have bullies etc and the schoolwork could be a real challange having missed the first seven years of Australian education. He wouldn't be spending all day at the beach, in the park, or playing baseball like he does when he visits. It's essentially the same mistake a lot of adults make. Would it be possible to arrange for him to go over in these summer holidays and spend a week of it in what is likely to be his new school. I expect he would feel like a bit of an outsider and not be so keen when given a taste of reality. Hopefully your ex would not hijack that in some way to be an unrealistic experience, or avoid doing it altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prairie Girl Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I have been thinking about responding and my opinion has changed since your initial post. Initially I though maybe you should let him go, but with the history of abuse I believe it is not in his best interests. I grew up with a similar rage prone father, and it still affects me negatively to this day. The consequences of living with an unpredictable parent who your son might be afraid of does not disappear the minute he moves out at 18. Perhaps you can promise an extended visit of 2 months. He does need time with his male relatives. But to live with someone like that, unless his father has had therapy and showed a real change, would be damaging to your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 My son is now 11 and due to finish primary school in the UK tomorrow. Last night he came downstairs and said to me "I want to live in Australia with Daddy". ...He told me life was boring here. We did the same things week in, week out. We went shopping, went to McDonalds, only went to nice places if the weather was good. In Australia he had a 'proper family' and he had brothers that he wanted to see grow up. He wanted to get a better bond with his Daddy before he (his dad) got too old, and he wanted the nice weather so he could go to the beach and play baseball on the beach with his dad and go boogie boarding. This story struck a chord with me because a similar thing happened to my husband in his first marriage. His wife ran off with another man, leaving their 8 year old daughter behind. Eventually she settled down and it was arranged that the daughter would stay with her Mum on weekends and her Dad during the week. At the age of 13, the daughter announced that she wanted to live with her Mum during the week instead. Gradually her weekends with Dad dwindled to a Saturday afternoon visit - her Mum was part of a huge extended family and there were always family occasions on the weekend which she didn't want to miss. The sad thing is that my husband allowed it to happen, and lost the bond with her to such an extent that when she got married, she asked her stepfather to walk her down the aisle (though she did invite her Dad to the wedding - he didn't go, too heartbroken). He still doesn't understand how his little girl, whom he cared for so devotedly when her mother abandoned her, could want to leave him. Knowing him as I do, I suspect I know the reason - and I wonder if it's a factor with your son, too: too much devotion. He was so concerned about keeping her safe that he wasn't allowing her enough freedom, and it was suffocating. Your son says his life is boring and he misses his brothers. That's understandable but would be less of a problem if he had a good circle of boys to socialise with. Have you been so busy making sure he gets quality mother-and-son time that you haven't allowed him enough time away from you, whether at boy scouts or the local swim team or other team activities? It would be very understandable if you have turned into a helicopter parent and he may just be getting to that stage in a boy's life where he wants more independence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Like a few others, now having read your updates re what kind of person your ex husband is/was? . I'm not too sure I would be letting him go, not yet anyway. Let him do a year at big school, hopefully he will meet new friends, start doing more stuff with them and not see life as so boring. he is coming off age where as a parent you need to take a few steps back and give him a bit of freedom. If he starts to enjoy this new found freedom, moving to Oz might become a thing of the past. In a few years it may even become difficult to get him to go for a holiday there as he won't want to leave his friends and the fun times they have at home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 Thank you all again for your continued advice and support, you really are helping me to make informed decisions that are being carefully thought through. I will not let him move at this stage of his life. I'm not going to tell him that just yet - I will let him get the 4 week visit out of the way first and see how that goes and see what conclusions he comes to by himself. By staying in the UK with me he has a settled life and routine. There is no violence, anger, outbursts at home for him to witness (well, except when I have to shout at him to do something because asking nicely never gets a result!) His new school has so many extra curricular activities for different sports as well as lunch time ones. It's in the top 10 list of grammar schools in the UK and we are so lucky to have it on our doorstep. He worked hard to pass his 11+ last year in order to get a place there and I don't want him to throw that away. I guess I have made him my world and do lots with him, but he's a bit of a loner at times and hasn't got many friends. He is starting the same school with one other boy who he does get on really well with and I hope their friendship will strengthen. I will get him a key cut so that he can go out and play and come home and let himself in if I've gone shopping at the weekend (instead of making him come with me). He's gone football training this morning and does want to sign up for next seasons team - so that's a good sign too. Got to dash off now as I need to get ready for the football presentations in an hour. You have all been so lovely and helpful x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 good luck! i wanted to comment earlier but i have only just got a minute. i was thinking about your son- you know how children say one thing but really they mean another (such are humans, we are strange beasts). when he says he wants to live in oz with his dad, maybe what he is actually saying is that he misses his dad (esp as he's on the cusp of puberty and when boys naturally want to be around men)- and all that his dad represents ie growing into a young man, seeing friends with their dads etc. i think children say extreme things to get their point across and to be listened to but being children and not fully able to see the consequences/reality of situations, they want to push the point home. of course, i am sure maybe he does miss his dad and perhaps is wanting to venture out into the male world more- but perhaps deep down it's not that he wishes to move here (oz). Just wants to have his feelings of change and fear (of growing up, of starting secondary school etc) acknowledged. I don't want to comment as to whether his dad can provide him with what he needs but it's not like you would be able to check up on him once here, and i think, even if he finished school at 16 then came to oz, it's only a few short years. I know it must seem ages to him, but i think you may have to make that call for him. he might hate you in the short term, but when he's older he will see what you did. secondary schooling is so important as is stability during puberty. it's hard without siblings, i've got an only and i have to be mum and best friend, but if you could ask him if he wants to do new things- perhaps he wants to do more sports etc, who knows, to encourage his interests, it may bridge the gap. some kids don't bond with others at school but find their mateships in out of school activities. the other thing is perhaps he may like to talk to someone neutral about it- he must know that it's very emotional for you. adolescent psychologists can assist or counsellors etc. you're in a tight spot but it may pass. i bet he misses you loads when he visits here! and australia as you know isn't all surfing and what not- school is school and the same crap goes on here- i tell you what though, this parenting gig is tough! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 This story struck a chord with me because a similar thing happened to my husband in his first marriage. His wife ran off with another man, leaving their 8 year old daughter behind. Eventually she settled down and it was arranged that the daughter would stay with her Mum on weekends and her Dad during the week. At the age of 13, the daughter announced that she wanted to live with her Mum during the week instead. Gradually her weekends with Dad dwindled to a Saturday afternoon visit - her Mum was part of a huge extended family and there were always family occasions on the weekend which she didn't want to miss. The sad thing is that my husband allowed it to happen, and lost the bond with her to such an extent that when she got married, she asked her stepfather to walk her down the aisle (though she did invite her Dad to the wedding - he didn't go, too heartbroken). He still doesn't understand how his little girl, whom he cared for so devotedly when her mother abandoned her, could want to leave him. Knowing him as I do, I suspect I know the reason - and I wonder if it's a factor with your son, too: too much devotion. He was so concerned about keeping her safe that he wasn't allowing her enough freedom, and it was suffocating. Marisa that is so sad. One can only hope in situations like this that when our children become parents themselves they will then understand just how much we sacrifice for them. I hope this young lady will return to her dad one day and make amends. I have certainly taken note of your comment of too much devotion and I think that is what I am guilty of. For many years myself and my family have tried to make up for the difficult start in life that my son has had and the hardships. He had a tough time in Australia with what he witnessed and we've tried to protect him and make up for it ever since. That is why I'm now getting him his own key and I'll allow him some freedom and space to be around the house on his own. He is a very mature and intelligent boy and can be trusted to be left alone for an hour or so - he'll just read! This afternoon he has told me that he is now 60/40 in favour of living in Australia. I asked what tipped Australia as favourite and he replied 'the weather'. He's his dad's son alright - that's the reason his dad chose to stay there too! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Marisa that is so sad. One can only hope in situations like this that when our children become parents themselves they will then understand just how much we sacrifice for them. ... Well, there's always the risk that she won't have children and then she will never realise. My parents were also very protective, because I had severe asthma as a child. Even mild exercise gave me attacks and in those days in Scotland. inhalers were unheard of, so they were very cautious about what I was allowed to do. Although my older sisters stayed at home right through university and beyond, I couldn't leave home fast enough, because I felt so restricted. I never had children of my own, and it was only when I got into my 50's and started hearing my friends talk about their heartbreak over their children leaving home, that I began to realise I was anything more than an annoying burden to my mother. She seemed to spend all her time amusing me or looking after me. When I left home, I just thought she'd enjoy the freedom to do what she wanted for a change (thought - maybe that's in the back of your son's mind too?). It's so sad that I didn't understand that until she'd passed away. I have certainly taken note of your comment of too much devotion and I think that is what I am guilty of.... That is why I'm now getting him his own key and I'll allow him some freedom and space to be around the house on his own. He is a very mature and intelligent boy and can be trusted to be left alone for an hour or so - he'll just read! It sounds like he needs more friends too, though. School isn't always the best place to make them, especially if he's a bit of a loner - it's too easy to avoid interaction. Being involved in group activities, when you're not there and where he has to interact with other boys, might get him out of his shell. Boy scouts? Swim team? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I have just read this whole thread and have been moved, not just by your predicament, but also by many of the responses filled with common sense and touching first-hand experiences. I am a father in a stable relationship and a 10 year old daughter soon to start year 6. My only experience is of dealing with a child roughly of the age of your son. We love her to death of course but she can be so contrary and this matches the experience of the parents of all her friends too. Our own attitude to the 3 of us emigrating next year has always been that we will take full account of her needs but not her opinions. This may sound a bit hard and if there are consequences later as a parent you have to deal with them then. Even as mature adults we are guílty of making poor, even irrational decisions at times. That is magnified 10 times for children. I am rambling a little here but essentially as the stable parent who absolutely knows him best and understands what his needs are it falls to you alone to make the decision and, as you have concluded, the right decision is for him to stay in the UK and complete his education. After that he is old enough to make his own decisions. I hope that he understands fully when he becomes a man. I reckon you should print out this thread and keep it somewhere. He might find it of interest if he 'discovered' it in 10, 20, or even 30 years time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 It sounds like he needs more friends too, though. School isn't always the best place to make them, especially if he's a bit of a loner - it's too easy to avoid interaction. Being involved in group activities, when you're not there and where he has to interact with other boys, might get him out of his shell. Boy scouts? Swim team? I'm probably off topic here, but I am not sure that Rachel needs to try to change who he is. If he is a loner he is a loner, some people are and it doesn't mean they are unhappy and need to be fixed. Of course if he is unhappy about not having enough friends then this is good advice of course. But I don't think there is any need to force an introvert into being an extrovert, they are both valid personality types. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I'm probably off topic here, but I am not sure that Rachel needs to try to change who he is. If he is a loner he is a loner, some people are and it doesn't mean they are unhappy and need to be fixed. Of course if he is unhappy about not having enough friends then this is good advice of course. But I don't think there is any need to force an introvert into being an extrovert, they are both valid personality types. I wouldn't suggest trying to change him at all! However if one of the things he misses is playing with his brothers, then perhaps it would help if he had more boys to play with outside of school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 @ marisawright and pumpkin Don't worry, I don't mind any suggestions that would help to make him more interactive and sociable. I do think that if he had a busier life here with some solid friendships he would not even consider going to live in Australia full time. He's always been a loner and would rather spend time by himself or with adults. He finds other children too 'childish' and when he has spent time with his younger brother it's annoyed him like mad! He has very little time for him - goodness knows what he'll make of the baby when he gets there. We've tried many things over the years; martial arts, Beavers, swimming, football, horse riding, but he gets bored of them all and never really interacts with the others. He has stuck to the football, but even at yesterday's presentation, once he'd gone up with the team to collect his medal he then went off alone and spent the time stroking a dog in the pub garden. At the school leaving disco on Friday he was the only member of his class that didn't get up and dance, he just sat on the seats around the side and watched. When he's come back from Australia previously he has never made friends with anyone locally, no kids that live near his dad's house, no kids that are children of his dad's mates etc. He really is a loner and I do worry about him sometimes. He's one of those very clever kids, much better at maths than me, just passed his SATS tests with level 6 results, but I'd much rather him be less academic and have more social skills. I've tried to get him involved with animals (that is his passion) by seeing if he can help out at the RSPCA at weekends but they won't take volunteers under 18 these days due to 'health and safety'. I even offered to stay with him whilst he helped, but they still wouldn't allow it. He was sitting on the sofa this morning fussing the cat and I heard him say "I'm really going to miss you when I go to Australia" and then gave the cat a kiss on the head. I think (or hope) he's referring to when he goes over next week. My son is definitely a loner and a bit isolated - but I love him to bits regardless, as we all do with our children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Rachael, even before I read your subsequent posts I was going to say, don't let him go! He's 11, he will get a bit down now and then but my fear is that if yo let him go, he will think you have abandoned him too! Tell him you love him and when he is an adult he can return to Australia if he so chooses. But for now, he remains with you and will continue to have contact with his Dad. best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Rachel, may I suggest checking out any local G&T groups? It's often the case that kids who are gifted find it hard to make good friendships - finding someone with a common interest is often the key and G&T kids sometimes have quite weird interests! Hopefully his new school is going to put him in the way of new friendships that are going to be more at his level if you see what I mean. My nephew is profoundly gifted and to all intents and purposes appeared like someone with Aspergers Syndrome until he hit HS where his gifts were appreciated and there were others who "got him" because they were very bright too - primary was quite a nightmare for him. Now at Uni and again engaged with others of like mind. It's much easier if they have some sort of outstanding sporting skill as well and often it's the solitary sports rather than the team sports that foster friendships between other competitors as individuals rather than team members where one can theoretically let the team down on occasion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Rachel, may I suggest checking out any local G&T groups? It's often the case that kids who are gifted find it hard to make good friendships - finding someone with a common interest is often the key and G&T kids sometimes have quite weird interests! Hopefully his new school is going to put him in the way of new friendships that are going to be more at his level if you see what I mean. My nephew is profoundly gifted and to all intents and purposes appeared like someone with Aspergers Syndrome until he hit HS where his gifts were appreciated and there were others who "got him" because they were very bright too - primary was quite a nightmare for him. Now at Uni and again engaged with others of like mind. It's much easier if they have some sort of outstanding sporting skill as well and often it's the solitary sports rather than the team sports that foster friendships between other competitors as individuals rather than team members where one can theoretically let the team down on occasion. Quoll, if I could find a Gin & Tonic group I would have joined up myself some time ago, let alone signed him up for it! Sadly, there are none where we live No, seriously I know what you mean. He was on the G&T list at school and I did also worry that he had Aspergers Syndrome and he was assessed by CAMHS 2 years ago in addition to his child counselling. I was relieved they found no problems with him. His new school have high expectations from all of their students as it is a high achievers school (hence only passing the 11+ gets you in there). He has an IQ of 165 and wants to be a neurosurgeon when he grows up. I have to laugh sometimes as I've no idea where he gets all this from (certainly not me). So, I'm really hoping that his new school will help resolve many of the issues I am faced with. He's definitely more of a solo sport person than a team player and he's pretty good at table tennis and archery, and the new school have a table tennis team and an archery team... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 You may well find that he 'finds' himself at his new school when he's surrounded by others who are as academic as he is. Common interests and all that. He may get involved in some clubs there - our school runs all sorts, some set up by teachers, others by students, and they cater for all kinds of interests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katie22 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Gosh Rachel, what a tricky situation! At the end of the day you know your son better than anyone and you know in your heart what is the right thing to do. If his dad lived in the same country as you then I expect it would be a far easier situation but letting him live in Australia, the other side of the world is a totally different ball game! He's still so young and he's getting to that age when he wants to detach himself from his mum and is probably idolising his dad more. But at the end of the day going to stay with his dad for holidays will be very different to living with him and he's just too young to understand that, I doubt very much either if he truly understands how much he will miss you - at the moment you're just mum and you're just always there! Good luck with your decision x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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