meegs Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 So I have posted a couple of times and read numerous posts on mbttuk and I guess I just want to write my thoughts down. Hubby is Scottish, I am Aussie. I met him over there when on a WHV and we got married and had kids. Moved to WA in April 2013. He has never settled, hasn't found the right job. I'm working full time which didn't have to do in Scotland and wouldn't have to do if we returned. We are thinking of returning back to Scotland in Jan 2014. I know it doesn't seem like we have given it a proper try but hubby just feels that life was better in Scotland. My dilemma is that I am leaving my parents and sisters. We are living with them at the moment so I think we are pretty close. But my hubby wants to go back so I am split in half with what I want. I don't mind going back to Scotland but will miss my family incredibly. We are also thinking of trying for another baby next year again which seems more possible in Scotland. Life is so tough at times and sometimes I wished that I had met the guy at the end of the road and not from the other side of the world. Just wanting reassurance really that l am doing the right thing by going with my husband as my family are laying the guilt trips on a bit thick. Cheers M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 He's not really given himself a chance to settle, thats only 7 months, he should at least give you some time to spend with your family, you have spent a few years in Scotland with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 Would your OH be happier if you lived separately from the In Laws. It can't be easy on him however well they get on. What job does he do in Scotland? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metoo Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 Would your OH be happier if you lived separately from the In Laws. It can't be easy on him however well they get on. What job does he do in Scotland? That is exactly what I was going to say. I get on with my partners family but would not ever like to live with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 It is no wonder he has not settled if you have been living with the in-laws! I wouldn't even want to live with my own family for 7 months never mind the in-laws and we do all get one, but the only time and place I am truly relaxed and at home is when it is just me and my OH. At this stage, perhaps you could decide whether you (he really) would be prepared to give it a go *by yourselves*. Or has this unusual living arrangement tainted it for good, who knows? It isn't really long enough to really know, but on the other hand, even what you have said seems to point towards Scotland making a lot of sense for your family right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garyupnorth Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 I think you both need to get your own place, the added pressure of having the In-laws there must be very hard for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 Repeating what the others have said. You need to get your own place and your own life. Stress must be through the roof in your current circumstances. Cut the old apron strings. They won't like it, probably give you a big guilt trip but, hey, your marriage comes first! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest26012 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 He sounds unhappy but it's early days? I would suggest, as others have, getting your own place. Give it a try. If it doesn't work then take it from there. You both have to be happy with whatever decision you make. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest km75 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 We're the same, but opposite - I am Scottish, hubby is Aussie. We have been back living in Scotland (and now NW of England) for almost six years and we're moving back to Australia in January. It is so hard being from opposite sides of the world, and it's not something I ever really considered until now, as I am getting the guilt trips leaving my family and I am torn. However, I have decided my husband and my children need to come before my mum and sister - so we're going - doesn't mean I am 100% happy about leaving, but it does mean I do think I am doing the right thing for MY family - not my mum and sister, who of course are my family, but not in the same way if you get what I mean. I believe each country has its positives and negatives, and you need to work out which country holds the better future and happiness for your family - all of you, you, hubby & kids. I see so much good here, I am finding it hard to convince myself it is the right thing to go back to Australia, but whatever happens, we have options, as do you. I'd get residency sorted in both countries before you do anything hasty. Good luck with whatever you decide x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 You do what is right for you and your family ie husband and kids, your parents don't get a say in the matter. I hear all the others saying he needs to give it a chance and, yes, he probably does - living with family is far from ideal but I guess it rather depends on how much of a prior life you can salvage and also what your UK residence status is (getting a spouse visa if you need one can be a hassle!). However, it may be that Australia is not and will not be for him and that's ok too - it looks as if a compromise whereby you get to have to work less and maybe consider adding to your family would work well for you too. Of course your family will probably play the guilt card but them's the breaks! I know how hard it is to have grand kids on the other side of the world but the kids will have grandparents on either side to allay the isolation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meegs Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I don't think getting our own place would make much of difference as we have questioned this ourselves plenty. We are living in the Pilbara where rent is up to $1000 a week so not really an option. I do think hubby has 'given up' too early but in saying that he could stay for another 12 months and be completely miserable. He knows what he wants and that is to be working a better rota and spending time with his family (me and the kids). Coming to Australia has made us realise what our priorities are and that we don't want to be working our butts off and missing out on the lives of the kids. Who knows where we will be in 5, 10 + years. I have British citizenship so it's no problem returning. Told the folks last night that we are leaving end of Jan and the tension in the house is incredible. They are saying things like 'oh miss 4 is really looking forward to going to school next year' 'the girls will miss playing in the sun'. I just don't want to leave on bad terms and if they keep going hubby is going to snap. I'm just trying to be peacemaker in all this Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And this may not be the right decision but it is what makes me and hubby happy in the here and now. I'm dribbling on now... thanks again for the replies :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xenon4017 Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 You still haven't said what your husband does for a living. Has he got a job to walk into back in Scotland? I can imagine that life in Pilbara can take some getting used to. Can you organise a few days break away from there to Perth/Sydney etc to see if a change of environment brings any clarity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Can you not try moving to Perth - the Pilbara would take some getting used to after living in Scotland! I really think you need your own place - I would not feel settled in the least living with someone else. I really think you need to move somewhere else where you can afford to have your own place and see how he feels after say six months Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsmb Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Often too hot to play in the sun in the Pilbara ? You need to do what is right for you and your family ,sad that your Mum is negative about it but for sure they will get over it We are leaving my kids,grandkids and great grandchildren and it will be oh so hard but there comes a time in life when its 'me time " Good luck anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meegs Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 Hubby is a pipefitter so has worked on the oil rigs in the north sea. He says he won't have a problem getting work. He hasn't been able to find any work in this field so far here in Aus and has been working as a labourer/Trade assistant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xenon4017 Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Hubby is a pipefitter so has worked on the oil rigs in the north sea. He says he won't have a problem getting work.He hasn't been able to find any work in this field so far here in Aus and has been working as a labourer/Trade assistant. That figures. Both industries here and in Scotland tend to operate a closed shop. If he's got contacts in Scotland and has a reliable reputation then he's likely to be able to pick up where he left off. And coming here to find that his skills and experience aren't recognised is a real bummer. Especially when you see others who are less capable getting a better wage. I've no solutions to offer, just the chance that if he meets another expat in his line of work then he might be able to improve his situation. But I bet the prospect of re-doing his training to get local qualis is not that appealing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcorners Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 If you did move to Perth (as someone else suggested) to have your own place how often would you end up seeing your family in the Pilbara? You might only end up seeing them slightly more than if you lived in Scotland! It kind of sounds like your family are holding you ransom to a certain extent. It's not really fair to ask you to live in a very expensive area, with no great job prospects for your husband, so that you end up feeling forced to live with them. I would write a list of pros and cons for each option. Pros for staying sound like spending time with your family, and your family getting to spend time with their grand children. Pros of Scotland mean your husband can work in a job he likes and support you if you guys want another baby, plus you won't have to work full time. You'll have to weigh everything up altogether and figure out what's best for you, your husband, and your children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meegs Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 If you did move to Perth (as someone else suggested) to have your own place how often would you end up seeing your family in the Pilbara? You might only end up seeing them slightly more than if you lived in Scotland! . That is exactly our thinking. We know we don't want to live in Karratha but don't really see the point of moving somewhere else in Australia so that we are in Australia. I would rather live in Scotland where we can then plan on coming back for holidays. I know they won't be frequent as life does take over and you have other places you want to visit but I need to be strong and say that I want to also go to Scotland as hard as that is for my family to hear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Hi Meegs wasn't apparent from your previous posts that you wanted to go to Scotland also. If that is the case and you both want to go - just go - it is your life. I know it is hard leaving family but if you will both be happier there then you should definitely go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meegs Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 I do want to go to Scotland... I think... and that is also where the issue is. I don't know what I want. I was happy with my life in Scotland and the reason we moved to Australia in the first place was because I missed my family. Getting here I realised life was actually pretty good over in Scotland - yes the weather is crap but hey that's not all there is in life. The only person who is sure is my hubby so I can't keep mucking him around. I am just nervous that if I get back over there and don't like it then what happens... Maybe I am just overthinking it all. Thank goodness for this forum and being able to write out thoughts. Can't talk with family about it and hubby just keen to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xenon4017 Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 You didn't mention the ages of the children either. Which can have a bearing on the issue. I'd be wary of making a commitment to go back forever. Once your husband is back in Scotland, then it'll be difficult to contemplate moving anywhere else. Maybe you need a five year plan after which you review your options. It's be a pity to let this experience cloud your future judgements. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meegs Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 kids are 3 and 4 years. I want my kids to grow up in the same place, if I had the choice. We moved around a lots as kids and this is another thought. I don't want to keep moving. But then again I seem to get itchy feet all the time. I'll just tell hubby a weekend getaway to Spain every so often would help :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 It isn't fair when family guilt you when moving in either direction but unfortunately many families do just that. It's likely to be their grief response and whilst it is unpleasant and causes friction you just have to live with it and maybe label it for what it is - acknowledge that you know they will be grieving over not being able to have the kids so close but that you will be visiting and talking on Skype (works for some, I hate it but there ya go). Etc etc. The kids will be just fine - they will be going to excellent schools in Scotland, have lots of friends and be able to play outside in all weathers instead of freaking about skin cancers. It's not like Scotland is a third world country! You're in for a couple of uncomfortable months I fear - don't know if you can issue an ultimatum - "we're planning on being here for Christmas so you can have it with the kids but if this cr*p continues we will leave sooner". Nothing is forever and, down the track, you never know where your best opportunities may lie, you have to do what is right for the here and now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wishful Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 it isn't fair when family guilt you when moving in either direction but unfortunately many families do just that. It's likely to be their grief response and whilst it is unpleasant and causes friction you just have to live with it and maybe label it for what it is - acknowledge that you know they will be grieving over not being able to have the kids so close but that you will be visiting and talking on skype (works for some, i hate it but there ya go). Etc etc. The kids will be just fine - they will be going to excellent schools in scotland, have lots of friends and be able to play outside in all weathers instead of freaking about skin cancers. It's not like scotland is a third world country! You're in for a couple of uncomfortable months i fear - don't know if you can issue an ultimatum - "we're planning on being here for christmas so you can have it with the kids but if this cr*p continues we will leave sooner". Nothing is forever and, down the track, you never know where your best opportunities may lie, you have to do what is right for the here and now! agree 100% quoll Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest km75 Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 Hi, You do sound like me!! I want to go to Australia, but feel very torn leaving my family in Scotland, and I always have itchy feet and suffer from grass is greener syndrome! You did the right thing giving Australia a go, but if you both want to go back to Scotland then I know it is a beautiful place to live (I love it here too, just the weather gets me down) and it sounds like you'll all be very happy there. We're going back to Sydney with an open mind, and hubby knows there is a good chance I'll want to come back to Scotland, but for now, we're going to give Australia a shot! We married in 2001 and lived in the UK 2000 - 2003, then Australia 2003 - 2008, and then UK 2008 - we fly out Dec 30 to Sydney. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.