Psychological blackmail from our loved ones...

[Petals]

We left in 2005, FEb!

 

I saw an aunt in October 2004 and she pulled me aside in the car park and said ` i probably wont ever see you again, have a nice life`.

 

We had tons of emotions thrown at us when we left. Every end of the scale!

 

Didnt stop us though.

 

I guess its something we could all say every time we walk out the door. :laugh:

 

Talking of wills and the one who is left behind my sister in law kept an eye on my mil until she passed and we always said that she should inherit any money that was left. Mil had other ideas and left what little she had to the grandchildren all eleven of them and I was sad that she did that as I would have liked it to have gone to sil who gave her her time.

 

So you see even ones who stay and look after relatives are not always thought of when it comes to wills etc.

[Que Sera Sera]

My MIL refused to talk about it too, so in the end we didnt mention in front of her. She then went around telling the whole family that we werent going anymore as we had stopped talking about it :mad:

 

I think they just want to bury their head in the sand. My FIL was funny too, he told the OH that he must tell his mum that it was only a tempory thing at that we would be back:mad:

 

Ah well its done now and bless their cotton socks they have told him that if HE has ever had enough HE can come back and live with them:biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

[Linda Irvine]

Great post, thankyou. We've seen it from both sides, we felt devastated when our eldest son emigrated here 6 years ago, then saying farewell to family when we decided to come out here 3 years ago. You are so right when you say that if the process is successful it will change our lives forever, best thing we did! We now have a wonderful little grandson into the bargain, so we're so glad that we aren't on opposite sides of the world. It is hard on families but time does seem to soften things a lot and usually they come to accept it.

[Guest BrightonBoys]

Blinking heck a timely post....

 

I told my parents in August we were thinking about it, we had just had a 4 week trip to QLD and had made our minds up we wanted in. My Mum said oh, its the worse thing you have ever done to me, cried and stopped the conversation. My (step) Dad texted to say "leadballon. Thank you". My (real) Dad who I have just got back in touch with after 20 yrs was 'wow brilliant good for you son'. Complete opposite. What hurts me at the most at the mo is that they can't see I am doing this for me, to give us a better life and that I love Michael so much I want to move to the other side of the world t be with him!! :wub:

Since then I have been told by Mum, that selling the house was a mistake, I am abandonding them, I'm settled in a good job have a nice house why give it all up.. all said in one breath!!!

As the Visa process has been started its time to take the convo to the next level!! I am heading up tp Bedford later today to see them, my very supportive brother had said be warned it will be the Spanish Inquistion!!

 

Even friends are trying the blackmail " you won't be here to see our kids birthdays" " we are not going to have our annual bbq as you won't be there" are two such things said! However two of our closest friends are getting married inNovember instead of next year as they want us there!!!

One friend said " how can you put your dogs through that hell" :mad: I will one day talk to her again....

 

What is nice to know is that others are going through it as well!!

 

Kevin x

[whopperdaisy]

Reading these stories makes me all the more thankful for my parents. I know that it must be hard for them but they have always supported my choices (my mum says she would come too if she could!) and are always there doing what they can when, like now, things are not working out - never an "I told you so" just wish to help. I love my folks, they seem to have found the right balance.

[B1K3R]

Reading these stories makes me all the more thankful for my parents. I know that it must be hard for them but they have always supported my choices (my mum says she would come too if she could!) and are always there doing what they can when, like now, things are not working out - never an "I told you so" just wish to help. I love my folks, they seem to have found the right balance.

 

That's nice to hear whopperdaisy :yes:

 

I wish my folks were the same. However, by understanding where they are coming from makes it easier. I'll always love them the same because I know that people express their feelings in different ways.

 

So my point is, that if you try and deeply understand others, it will surely make you feel better. In a way, they are showing love, but unfortunately in the wrong way.

 

I was reading lately there there many types of intelligences. One of them is emotional intelligence. Guess some lack this and its our duty to help them or at least understand/sympathize with them. :cute:

 

Cheers

B!K3R

[marco&kaza]

I myself have experienced all and a few more of them comments.When I told my parents that we were emigrating to Oz I got "the grass isnt always greener you know" and was then told "I dont want you to talk about it".The worst one for me was "when you leave this street you are dead to me" (we live across the road from my parents)Well we did move and I rang to let them know that we had arrived safely and I was told dont ever ring this house again so i hung up.I was talking to my bro on skype one day and my dad went round to my bros and he said do you want to talk to your daughter and his reply was "tell her to have a good f***ing life" to which my bro told him off!!Well we came back to the uk after my oh dad had a serious accident and the tenants that were in our house left (we couldnt sell the house).So we are now still living across the road from my parents and we dont have anything to do with them.Im not bothered about myself its my 2 boys who I feel sorry for because they too have been disowned by their own grandparents for what we their parents did.We are now in the process of trying to sell our house so we can move back to Oz.

 

Thanks for a great post B1K3R

 

Karen

[Guest guest37336]

I feel truly blessed with some of the posts I have read. Not at any time did my parents, or close family ever say anything derogatory, even though my mum HATES Australia, absolutely hates it.

 

But even though I knew her feelings she and dad still did the best they could to help me realise the dream (once again) of going out to OZ. In actual fact I can't comprehend some of the comments people make.

 

That is not a criticism, just can't get my head around the idea that some people will do their best to stop others living their lives.

 

Cheers Tony.:wink:

[B1K3R]

I myself have experienced all and a few more of them comments.When I told my parents that we were emigrating to Oz I got "the grass isnt always greener you know" and was then told "I dont want you to talk about it".The worst one for me was "when you leave this street you are dead to me" (we live across the road from my parents)Well we did move and I rang to let them know that we had arrived safely and I was told dont ever ring this house again so i hung up.I was talking to my bro on skype one day and my dad went round to my bros and he said do you want to talk to your daughter and his reply was "tell her to have a good f***ing life" to which my bro told him off!!Well we came back to the uk after my oh dad had a serious accident and the tenants that were in our house left (we couldnt sell the house).So we are now still living across the road from my parents and we dont have anything to do with them.Im not bothered about myself its my 2 boys who I feel sorry for because they too have been disowned by their own grandparents for what we their parents did.We are now in the process of trying to sell our house so we can move back to Oz.

 

Karen

 

Wow Karen, I'm really sorry to hear that :no: It must have been really difficult for you, but you seem a very strong person.

 

B!K3R

[basil]

The OP is spot on.

 

I recall the first overseas move we made.

 

My MIL cried everytime we spoke or saw her beforehand and made us feel terrible. In the end I asked her not to come to the airport and was very honest and said we wanted our move day to feel positive not full of sadness and grief.

While overseas we spoke to them often, but they never used the webcam we bought them (they did use it with others!), they visted us once and we them.

My parents took the news better but never once called us in almost 3 years, despite me buying them calling cards.

 

We're now 'home' in the UK. We haven't seen my parents since April and OH's since June, and when we do it's always us visiting them. I know that 'if' the move to aus comes around we will get the 'old and frail'(they're not yet) card played from my in laws

I only hope OH won't change his mind and want us to stay, it's horrible to say and selfish but the longer we put the move off for the exchange rate the greater the risk of them keeping us here I think.

When the time comes I hope we'll put some wheels in motion, like book flights etc before telling them (they do know we have a visa)

[basil]

.Im not bothered about myself its my 2 boys who I feel sorry for because they too have been disowned by their own grandparents for what we their parents did.

 

That's awful

 

____

 

I also think asides close relatives some friends and distant family members handle it badly or rather odly.

For some people telling them you're choosing to leave is like saying their choice (ie staying living in the UK) is wrong and they are quite defensive.

We have a few friends who when we tell them of a move always reply with something like 'oh we couldn't do that because of the kids' or 'I could never leave my parents' as though they need to justify their own life choices.

[Guest SunshineSmile]

I myself have experienced all and a few more of them comments.When I told my parents that we were emigrating to Oz I got "the grass isnt always greener you know" and was then told "I dont want you to talk about it".The worst one for me was "when you leave this street you are dead to me" (we live across the road from my parents)Well we did move and I rang to let them know that we had arrived safely and I was told dont ever ring this house again so i hung up.I was talking to my bro on skype one day and my dad went round to my bros and he said do you want to talk to your daughter and his reply was "tell her to have a good f***ing life" to which my bro told him off!!Well we came back to the uk after my oh dad had a serious accident and the tenants that were in our house left (we couldnt sell the house).So we are now still living across the road from my parents and we dont have anything to do with them.Im not bothered about myself its my 2 boys who I feel sorry for because they too have been disowned by their own grandparents for what we their parents did.We are now in the process of trying to sell our house so we can move back to Oz.

 

Thanks for a great post B1K3R

 

Karen

 

:hug:

I feel very sad after reading your story Karen... Its so heartbreaking to see such bitterness and anger towards you, and towards your children.. so very sad.

I often wonder whether families do this kind of thing as a form of punishment, hoping that "freezing" us out will somehow make us all see the "error of our ways"

I cant say that I will ever understand it.

:no:

[marco&kaza]

B1K3R I didnt think that I was that strong but their negative thoughts about my family and myself have made me stronger and even more determined to return to Oz.

[marco&kaza]

Basil I have 2 very mature young men who like my hubbie cant comprehend how my parents can treat us all this way after all arent we supposed to look up to our parents.

[marco&kaza]

sunshinesmile im not sad just bemused by their actions.my bro whos 9 yrs older than me was going to usa to live some yrs ago and was told"oh no your not" so he didnt go.so when we were told the same and we went we angered her becauuse we didnt do we were told.

[Guest SunshineSmile]

sunshinesmile im not sad just bemused by their actions.my bro whos 9 yrs older than me was going to usa to live some yrs ago and was told"oh no your not" so he didnt go.so when we were told the same and we went we angered her becauuse we didnt do we were told.

 

Good for you in standing your ground :wink:

Your poor bruv :shocked:

Yes, "doing what your told"... you didnt, so punishment is freezing you out!

We are receiving almost identical behaviour from OH family members.

You should be very proud your boys are so well grounded (surely a reflection of their parents :biggrin:).. fair play to you both and best of luck in selling the house soon, so you can go back to your life of choice in Oz :hug:

[Petals]

The OP is spot on.

 

I recall the first overseas move we made.

 

My MIL cried everytime we spoke or saw her beforehand and made us feel terrible. In the end I asked her not to come to the airport and was very honest and said we wanted our move day to feel positive not full of sadness and grief.

While overseas we spoke to them often, but they never used the webcam we bought them (they did use it with others!), they visted us once and we them.

My parents took the news better but never once called us in almost 3 years, despite me buying them calling cards.

 

We're now 'home' in the UK. We haven't seen my parents since April and OH's since June, and when we do it's always us visiting them. I know that 'if' the move to aus comes around we will get the 'old and frail'(they're not yet) card played from my in laws

I only hope OH won't change his mind and want us to stay, it's horrible to say and selfish but the longer we put the move off for the exchange rate the greater the risk of them keeping us here I think.

When the time comes I hope we'll put some wheels in motion, like book flights etc before telling them (they do know we have a visa)

 

Agree with you entirely its all about them, if it was not they would have used the web cam you gave them, phoned you and would be making every effort to see you as much as possible.

 

Not one of my mum's sisters ever phoned her when she migrated, wrote to her or anything. They were not interested at home and not interested when she left.

 

Of course parents are upset when their children move on only natural but we parents have to be happy for them and support their decisions not make our children live a miserable life feeling guilty and worrying about us. We older parents have had our life why of why can people not look back at how they felt when they were younger and bringing up a young family and making their own family. This is life its how it goes we come, we work and maybe have families, support them and then we go. So what .

[Guest Tim L10]

I thought it was just mine, glad to know others go through this too

[3 Piccos]

I myself have experienced all and a few more of them comments.When I told my parents that we were emigrating to Oz I got "the grass isnt always greener you know" and was then told "I dont want you to talk about it".The worst one for me was "when you leave this street you are dead to me" (we live across the road from my parents)Well we did move and I rang to let them know that we had arrived safely and I was told dont ever ring this house again so i hung up.I was talking to my bro on skype one day and my dad went round to my bros and he said do you want to talk to your daughter and his reply was "tell her to have a good f***ing life" to which my bro told him off!!Well we came back to the uk after my oh dad had a serious accident and the tenants that were in our house left (we couldnt sell the house).So we are now still living across the road from my parents and we dont have anything to do with them.Im not bothered about myself its my 2 boys who I feel sorry for because they too have been disowned by their own grandparents for what we their parents did.We are now in the process of trying to sell our house so we can move back to Oz.

 

Thanks for a great post B1K3R

 

Karen

 

I hope that you manage to sell your house and get your butts back to Australia. I know what it feels like to feel trapped in a country. I emigrated years ago to Oz with my husband and two very young sons. My MIL was really cruel to my husband when she heard of our intention to emigrate, she really tried to put the guilt trip on to him. She had emphysema and of course whenever the subject of our moving overseas came up she would have an "attack" and tell us we were taking years off her life. We still moved to Adelaide but kept up the pressure by regularly writing to my husband (my name was never on the letters). I became pregnant with my daughter 18 months after we emigrated and she never mentioned the pregnancy, ever! All she put in the letters was how ill she was and how she was struggling, even though one daughter lived with her and another lived around the corner. Eventually she wore my husband down and we returned to the UK because she made out that she was actually dying. When we returned we went to live with my in laws for a short time to help out and she made our life hell. It was so bad it ended up with my husband and I separating and we actually went in court!! Of course, she was happy about this and she made a wonderful recovery. I was desperate to return to Australia with my family and saved like mad for the fares. I was desperately unhappy and so homesick for Australia and the life I had there. My husband and I were still in love with each other and thank goodness he eventually woke up to her shinnanigins. We reunited and we managed to sell our house with just a few weeks to spare (had to return within three years or would lose our visa). The day we left for Australia she came to the railway station but would not speak to me. Eighteen months later we received an early morning phone call to say she had died at age 57. I thought my husband would go in to a decline but I was not prepared for his reaction. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders. No longer would those dreaded letters full of her woes be arriving to make him feel bad. He was released from it finally, but how sad that things had to happen that way. His dad came over to stay with us after her death for 18 months and he had a ball. Years later we returned to the UK to travel Europe. Due to different circumstances we stayed longer than intended. My daughter decided she wanted to return to Oz and I was happy for her to do her thing. Six weeks later my husband suffered a massive brain haemorrhage and was not expected to live. My daughter phoned and said she was getting a flight back but I would not hear of it. If my husband died she would not want to leave me, and if he lived she would not want to leave him. I insisted she stayed there. Two years later my husband has just started to walk, but still has no speech or movement in his arm, but we are on our way back to Melbourne. My DIL has decided her children deserve a chance in Australia so my two sons and two grandchildren are also going. Now my DIL mother won't speak to her about it!! My own mother who is 82 has tried to persuade me not to return with stories about the high cost of living over there and things aren't the same as they used to be!! I am afraid I have to do the best for my husband who will benefit by the warmer weather. My mother lived in Australia happily for 17 years but says she will live in her present house until she dies! So be it. I have no contact with any other family and I was so pleased to read the OP, as I was starting to think I was coldhearted in my attitude, after reading all the posts about people having to go back to the UK because of family and friends. It appears I am not alone!! I have never suffered from empty nest syndrome and have always encouraged my children to live their life for themselves. If my children phone me or call around, I want them to do so because they choose to, not because they feel they have to. Also, the challenges that life has thrown at me and my husband are our challenges, not theirs. My children deserve to follow their hopes and dreams without feeling guilty.

[Guest SunshineSmile]

What a story 3 Piccos :notworthy:

"My children deserve to follow their hopes and dreams without feeling guilty"

Couldnt agree more, and says it all in a nutshell for me also.

The best of luck to you and your husband on your return to melbourne for your next adventure together, I wish him a speedy rehabilitation after his stroke.

:hug:

[3 Piccos]

What a story 3 Piccos :notworthy:

"My children deserve to follow their hopes and dreams without feeling guilty"

Couldnt agree more, and says it all in a nutshell for me also.

The best of luck to you and your husband on your return to melbourne for your next adventure together, I wish him a speedy rehabilitation after his stroke.

:hug:

 

Thanks for that SunshineSmile. People told me after my husband's stroke that it probably made me realise how important family were. Actually it made me realise we should have done a lot of things for ourselves earlier in the peace. If there is something you want to do, get on with it. Time has a habit of running out!!! Five more weeks and we will be on our way. I will make sure my mother has Skype!!!

[Que Sera Sera]

Basil I have 2 very mature young men who like my hubbie cant comprehend how my parents can treat us all this way after all arent we supposed to look up to our parents.

 

 

The truth is your parents are the adults and they are acting appallingly, yes they may be hurt and upset but that does not excuse their actions. They are being selfish and because of their selfishness they are the ones who are going to miss out. Your sons arent going to miss out on a relationship with them, because there was no relationship on offer anyway, just their rules, their way.

 

Your sons will grow up stronger for it and will not make the same mistakes, good for you for sticking to your guns, emotional blackmail is horrid.:wubclub:

[B1K3R]

I hope that you manage to sell your house and get your butts back to Australia. I know what it feels like to feel trapped in a country. I emigrated years ago to Oz with my husband and two very young sons. My MIL was really cruel to my husband when she heard of our intention to emigrate, she really tried to put the guilt trip on to him. .....................

 

 

Thanks Piccos for sharing your story!

 

It teaches me that there are many people out there feeling the same or passing through similar experiences, but most importantly that they have managed to get through it too! :smile:

 

Cheers

B!K3R

[Guest comfortablynumb]

I need some help and advice please. At the moment i am really suffering with emotional blackmail. I am a 22 year old girl always lived with my mum. Its just us two as my dad doesnt live with us and my brother left for uni last year. Me and my mum are really close and she is very dependant on me. she has known that me and my boyfriend are moving to oz for a year and i have had a constant stream of emotional blackmail and tears. It has got to a point where i cant bear it anymore.

 

She says things to me like

"anything could happen in a year, i could have a stroke or a heart attack",

"I'm going to become a recluse when you go, i'm not going to leave the house or answer the phone and im going to tell you i'm fine",

"i'm not going to see you again, you will probably just forget me,"

"ive been crying all day today",

"you are abandoning me, you dont love me anymore"

and various other hurtful things.

I have tried everything, i have comforted her, i have told her that i need to experience new things and ill be back in a year, ive also been firm and said that she can try and make me feel guilty but i am still going.

Ive been thinking should i double bluff her and tell her that ive been thinking about what she has said and now im not going to go?? because im pretty sure she would reply with that she wants me to go. if i do this do you think it would make her stop? i dont know what else to do, im desperate, its awful living with this every day and its making my last few weeks here horrible. any help or suggestions would be appreciated soooo much!!!

[Quoll]

I need some help and advice please. At the moment i am really suffering with emotional blackmail. I am a 22 year old girl always lived with my mum. Its just us two as my dad doesnt live with us and my brother left for uni last year. Me and my mum are really close and she is very dependant on me. she has known that me and my boyfriend are moving to oz for a year and i have had a constant stream of emotional blackmail and tears. It has got to a point where i cant bear it anymore.

 

She says things to me like

"anything could happen in a year, i could have a stroke or a heart attack",

"I'm going to become a recluse when you go, i'm not going to leave the house or answer the phone and im going to tell you i'm fine",

"i'm not going to see you again, you will probably just forget me,"

"ive been crying all day today",

"you are abandoning me, you dont love me anymore"

and various other hurtful things.

I have tried everything, i have comforted her, i have told her that i need to experience new things and ill be back in a year, ive also been firm and said that she can try and make me feel guilty but i am still going.

Ive been thinking should i double bluff her and tell her that ive been thinking about what she has said and now im not going to go?? because im pretty sure she would reply with that she wants me to go. if i do this do you think it would make her stop? i dont know what else to do, im desperate, its awful living with this every day and its making my last few weeks here horrible. any help or suggestions would be appreciated soooo much!!!

 

Do you have any other family who could give you a bit of support - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins etc? Failing that, does your mum have any friends you could have a word with?

 

If you put yourself in her shoes, she is scared for both you and her and though what she is doing is totally wrong, it is, in a way, rational. As you are only 22 she is still probably quite young herself and so does she have a job which keeps her occupied? A social circle she can bitch to if need be? She needs to be working on her own life because she needs to understand that you are not going to be there forever.

 

I think you probably just have to accept that she is going to be like this until you leave - perhaps you need to be away from her as much as possible until that time. If she starts on at you, take yourself off out of the situation so you dont have to listen to it. You might also try writing her a letter, affirming that you do love her but need to have your own youthful adventure, how you are sorry that she is having difficulty coming to terms with that but how you know that she really wants you to be happy and this is what will make you happy. Remind her of her social support network, be it neighbours, friends, local groups or even the facilities of social services. Tell her that you will let her know regularly where you are and explain how you will be contactable in Australia to alleviate her fears for your wellbeing.

 

It sounds as if you really do need to do this now otherwise I can see that you are going to be shackled for the rest of your days with an attitude like that. She needs her own social support network and she isnt going to get that if she dumps on you all the time.

 

Good luck!!!!