B1K3R Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 PS: I'm not a psychologist or anything of the sort, so please do not take the following as a professional advice. I could be totally wrong, but I feel that I should share the thoughts below. From my experience, it's how it works... /*******************************************************************************/ Many people who have decided to emigrate or have emigrated have experienced psychological blackmail from our loved ones (mainly parents!!!) in a way or another. The intention of this post is to create awareness on this very common unpleasant experience. Hopefully, it will help the victims of these experiences to understand, get rid of the guilt and move on with serenity. On the other hand, it will hopefully also help the abusers (non intentional!) to realize that their behavior is unjust. Most (I guess!) of us have a close relationship with their parents. So, it is natural that when people emigrate, it is quite painful both to the children and parents alike. As a reaction to this pain, some parents react in the wrong way. Let's take an example of what parents might say or do: 1. They'll tell you..."You are moving away from us, so don't you love me anymore?" 2. or..."I'm getting old now, what will happen when I become sick? You wont be here to help me!" 3. or..."I wish you were in my shoes and feel the pain I am feeling!" 4. or..."Rest assured that I will not come to visit you, its too far away!" 5. or..."I am going to remove your pictures from our house, it will be too painful to see them everyday" 6. or..."Its a pitty that you wont be here, your siblings will be getting all the freebies/inheritance from us" 7. or..."Heh, your children are going to grow up without grand parents!" 8. or.... and a million of these...I can keep going on all night! So, how will all these make you feel? Guilty!!! Sad!!! Miserable!!! That's the result of Psychological blackmail. For those who take advantage of this ugly tactic.... 1. Don't you think you are being an egoist and self centered? 2. If you love your child, do you think that its a good thing to make them feel guilty and miserable? 3. Don't you think that you are taking away their freedom and controlling them indirectly to satisfy your needs? 4. Wouldn't you want your children to experience (in a good way obviously, its not like they are taking drugs!) as much as they can?....that's the only way they can grow and become better people/family! For the victims 1. If you are in this situation, try not to feel guilty and bad cause now you know that you are not in the wrong! 2. It's your life, your freedom, your family, so you have every right to go elsewhere and create/experience a new adventure with your husband/wife and children. 3. If you're still feeling guilty, then it means that you have an unhealthy relationship with your parent/s. Somehow, they have a strong grip on you and are affecting you badly. Try to find out how this happened and try to clear this issue. 4. Be gentle, kind, nice, supportive with your parent/s. It's not an easy situation and it might be hard for them to understand/change. Most of the times, they never change 5. So, at the end, accept it the way it is. You've tried your best to clear the issue with them. Love them as they are, always, but move on! 5. And finally, be open and honest, if they try/continue to blackmail again be firm, tell them where you stand and that you are not ready to listen to any more blackmail crap! But as I said, be kind, nice and gentle. If the process is successful, it will change your life forever! So, good luck and take care. Cheers B!K3R Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest famousfive Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Wow,well said sir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mark X Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I think sometimes these things are said when people fear loss and when it actually happens and things settle down it improves. I found booking my first flight back in 9 months time made people feel more comfortable about the whole thing. Congrats on the visa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I agree MarkX. When we left a lot of people had some of those comments from family members. Once they had seen us/been here.....the comments we then got were ....`dont come back`, `this is much better for you`, `we can see why you did this now`. People fear loss and those comments are the only way they can express theirselves. B1K3R: Good post mate x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffo Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Well said. But sometimes the relationship is so deeply inground that neither party can see the emotional blackmail happening. Family ties can be very strong and no actual comment is needed. It looks like we may be returning to the uk for that very reason and only that reason. My advice is think very carefully about your family relationships before making the leap of faith into moving away. Perhaps try not visiting family for 3-6 months to see how you feel before leaving the uk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I cannot believe how some family and friends can be so self centred to use emotional blackmail. This old chook will never use it and never expect anything from my children. I did not have children so they could keep me company in old age or look after me in ill health. Do not give in to emotional blackmail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SunshineSmile Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Excellent post.. balanced and fair :notworthy: We are currently in the process of recieving a heavy barrage of emotional blackmail from members of OH family. Its not pretty, and has turned very sour, despite our attempts to keep a bond their actions have been quite jaw dropping. However, I believe our imminent departure announcement was just a catalyst for issues to come out that had clearly been there already. Its amazing to me that your family who are supposed to love and support you can turn so nasty. I know this isnt always the case, my parents are very sad that we are leaving but their never ending support is wonderful. At the end of the day, we all have to take our own paths and its unfortunate that some families use emotional blackmail to manipulate our decisions for their own gain. Im with you Petal.. Dont give in to blackmail! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Excellent post.. balanced and fair :notworthy:We are currently in the process of recieving a heavy barrage of emotional blackmail from members of OH family. Its not pretty, and has turned very sour, despite our attempts to keep a bond their actions have been quite jaw dropping. However, I believe our imminent departure announcement was just a catalyst for issues to come out that had clearly been there already. Its amazing to me that your family who are supposed to love and support you can turn so nasty. I know this isnt always the case, my parents are very sad that we are leaving but their never ending support is wonderful. At the end of the day, we all have to take our own paths and its unfortunate that some families use emotional blackmail to manipulate our decisions for their own gain. Im with you Petal.. Dont give in to blackmail! I couldnt agree more Sunshine! hopefully if and when any of your close relations come to Tasmania they will take a chill pill ! I could never do this to my darling lads, they gave me their full blessing, I couldnt ask for anything more along with my gorgeous grandparents... Time is a wonder healer so is beautiful Tasmania :hug: Love Susie x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SunshineSmile Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I couldnt agree more Sunshine! hopefully if and when any of your close relations come to Tasmania they will take a chill pill !I could never do this to my darling lads, they gave me thier blessing, I couldnt ask for anything more along with my grandparents... Time is a wonder healer so is beautiful Tasmania :hug: Love Susie x The numbers of "close relations" are dwindling on an almost daily basis... they have all dropped off one by one :wideeyed:... its most bizarre. However, we have really discovered how true some of our friends are, so that number is growing! And I too could never do that to my own children... surely we gave them the gift of life to live it in their own way? Tasmania is calling for us Susie! :hug: xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swifty99 Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Oh my god i just read that and had to let out a little laugh as my father in law has said both number 4 and 6 with great regularity lately and it annoys upsets and wind me up, my husband on the other hand doesn't take the slightest bit of notice, seems my in laws are very good at this psychological blackmail game, my family don't seem to bothered but then we are not the closest anymore. But thank you for writing that post as now i see it differently to before, i just thought he was being a prat but now i realise he thinks that these things he is saying are intending to either make us change our mind (never going to happen) or to make us feel guilty. Thank you x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 The numbers of "close relations" are dwindling on an almost daily basis... they have all dropped off one by one :wideeyed:... its most bizarre.However, we have really discovered how true some of our friends are, so that number is growing! And I too could never do that to my own children... surely we gave them the gift of life to live it in their own way? Tasmania is calling for us Susie! :hug: xxx Never a truer word spoken Sunshine, and despite fleeing the nest, they are always our kids, no matter at what stage of life they are at! For the rest, it ca be such a mixture of emotions, jealousy, an early form of grief, resentment... only time will tell... keeping an open mind is always useful:wink: and yes Tasmania calls you, you know how delighted I am you are coming on over. I envisage many an alcohol free Vodka weekend over chez nous:biggrin: when you drive over north!! :hug:lovely to see you love Susie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B1K3R Posted October 25, 2010 Author Share Posted October 25, 2010 To add with my previous post, wife and I experienced two types of blackmail. Unfortunately (and very sad but that's life anyway), I am not close to my family. So it was more of a..."what are ye going to do, you idiot, you have it all here, you always did wrong decisions, gonna burn your money, you will end up on the streets....." strategy. They shot negative energy, instilling doubts and trying to make me feel like a failure. Thank God I had become immune to their attacks years ago, so I just stayed listening to all they had to say and smiling...but it was sad smiling, if you know what I mean. I was smiling cause I knew that they were totally wrong but sad at the same time cause it would have been nice to have that open, honest relation ship with parents.... Anyway, I'm hardened enough now so its nothing really. It's a matter of believing in yourself. So this is my message to those out there experiencing the same thing. Follow your heart and gut feeling, believe in your dreams and yourself, be determined and persevere BUT!...always listen to what other people have to say who have passed through many experiences. Then assimilate the data and filter out the bad ones On the other hand, my wife's case is different. Nice and loving family, always together, close, "united with stand"..bla bla bla. This time, the blackmail was more subtle, played on the most sacred thing, love. It's even worse when one plays games on these feelings. I'm so proud of my wife at how she handled it. She was firm and honest with them and kind...and I have to say that their relationship is still good. I think that some people will prey on your weakest feelings. Fear, self esteem, doubts? Just be aware of your weaknesses, cause people will attack there first. Make them stronger, and as they say..."a person half informed is half armored!" Cheers B!K3R Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SunshineSmile Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 "Follow your heart and gut feeling, believe in your dreams and yourself, be determined and persevere BUT!...always listen to what other people have to say who have passed through many experiences. Then assimilate the data and filter out the bad ones ;)" Very wise words and excellent advice.. thank you for that BIK3R:wink: My OH similar to you stands and listens to their BS and smiles thru it.. that sad smile you talk of. Its heartbreaking for me to watch such a wonderful man being run into the ground by a bunch of dysfunctionals :arghh: I admire that you have removed yourself from it and I hope your lovely wife can work her way thru the emotional blackmail from her family.. Im quite sure they love you both dearly and are just sad to see you go.. its a great measure of her that she has handled it thus far with such dignity. You are clearly a lovely family and I wish you all much happiness :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I`d love to hear from some others on the other side of the coin. Is there anyone that has been `left behind` by family? How did you feel? Can you recognise the comments that are displayed here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sceadugenga Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Interesting comment about inheritances, my sister has always lived close to our (extremely old) parents and runs around after them nonstop. She is in poor health herself and now her husband, who is much older than her, is undergoing lengthy orthopedic surgical procedures. It’s never been suggested I change my way of life and they’re always pleased to see me when I am there, but could they really be blamed for leaving me out of their will? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I have experienced this very recently too, and one thing that is very funny, those that cause the most upset and say the most horrible things are the ones that give up soonest. It was my husbands birthday on the 24th of July and his parents were the worst ever about him coming out, yet the very first birthday they didnt bother sending cards, it cost about 90p to send a card to Australia from the UK, no bloomin excuse if you ask me. Mine was last week and the same story!!! Speaking to my friends this doesnt seem at all unusual " how soon they forget!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 We left in 2005, FEb! I saw an aunt in October 2004 and she pulled me aside in the car park and said ` i probably wont ever see you again, have a nice life`. We had tons of emotions thrown at us when we left. Every end of the scale! Didnt stop us though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Lass Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Interesting post, B1K3R; thank you for bringing this up. This weekend marks 2 years since I last saw my family in England and 2 years since I moved here (first year on a tourist visa and now as a spouse) and I have only just begun to hear numbers 3, 4 and variations on 8 from Mum. It is quite a contrast to how things were when I originally discussed my moving here to be with my husband in that they were all very supportive. There were a few exceptions outside of the family most notable was a friend of Mum's who did her level best to convince me to stay and not "abandon" my Mum. I was doing no such thing of course and have been writing every other day to my family since I left. To be experiencing this form of emotional blackmail now has left me feeling quite nonplussed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pluto Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I`d love to hear from some others on the other side of the coin. Is there anyone that has been `left behind` by family? How did you feel? Can you recognise the comments that are displayed here? Hi Joanne Although not to Australia, my Dad up and left to Spain back in 2000 after his divorce from my mum. I was always supportive and encouraged him to follow his dreams, at least in Spain he had a network of friends already living there to play golf with etc. He lost all his friends after his divorce, as with most break ups the friends of the couple either dwindle away or take one side. This encouragement caused a family row as my younger brother wanted him to stay as he would miss the grandchildren growing up etc My brother used lots of " we wont be able to afford to come & see you" " Your grandchildren wont know who you are " It took along time for my brother to come round, maybe it was because he was the youngest, I'm not sure. Happy Dad did go though as he is very happy and at 73 has just remarried to a lovely lady and they are like a couple of lovestruck teenagers :wubclub: Sam x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I am the "other" side too! When my daughter was 15 she decided that she wanted to go and live with her Father in Brisbane Australia, we were still in the UK then. It broke my heart but I knew if I stopped her she would hate me forever! I drove her to Heathrow and then saw my baby off to the other side of the world. I didnt cry, I didnt fuss, I told her she was welcome back anytime, I walked around the corner and I sat on the floor and I sobbed for about 20 minutes, people looked at me like I was mad, I didnt care my heart had been ripped from me, did she ever know? did she hell, if you love them you want what is best for them and you let them go!:wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz Steve R Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Awww Cath, that's such a sad story but you are an amazing mother to have allowed her to 'do her own thing' and not put her through the emotional wringer. I would like to think I could be as loving and courageous as you if the situation ever arose. Here's a bit about our situation: I was married for 12 years and then divorced from the father of my two eldest children - we lived approx 30 mins drive away from my parents. I then met, married and bought a home with my new husband Steve. We bought our house in the same village as my parents, our kids went to school at the one I had attended as a child - we lived there for 2 years. We then moved down to Plymouth 18 months ago to be nearer to the naval base where my husband is based, therefore allowing us to see more of him. Us moving away really rocked my Mums foundations and annoyed her greatly. We love it down there and the children are settled and happy. My parents really like my husband but my mother has been annoyed with me for ever falling in love with a submariner and having to move away to be near to him - she has even said in the past that she would never have allowed herself to fall in love with someone that worked away! :eek: Our new lifestyle obviously does not fit in with my Mums idea of what she wants us to be doing/living. We are applying for the RAN submarines and started our long application process in March2010 and are hoping to be out in WA Aug2011. I read alot of posts on here about the best way to go about emigrating and when/how to tell parents and family. The trouble with our application process is that we may not know for certain we're definately going until maybe February2011. We told our children right at the beginning of the process, as I had to get permission from my two eldest children' Dad (previous marriage) - he was fine with it and wishes us all well, he has been travelling around Australia and South East Asia for the last year, is currently back in the UK til next summer and plans to return to Thailand for his forseeable future. He does not financially contribute to their upbringing anyway and only talks to them approx once every couple of months. And we have all said that if we make it to Oz he will be closer to the children when we all move. He went to the solicitors with our children and I and signed the declaration of consent, then we all went for a meal and excitedly talked about what the future may hold for us all. Our children are relishing the idea of going and having a great family adventure. So all good there! So then we decide to tell our parents. I told mine first and my Mum went mad!!:wacko: Think we had nearly the whole list of guilt trip quips thrown at us. That was 8 months ago and since then the mood has been very awkward. My children and I are visiting for the half term this week - my husband is away at sea (we are in the middle of 'no contact' for approx 5 weeks - no phone, email, nothing :sad:). My Dad has 'bravely' said that him and Mum will miss us all greatly but that if he could have done it when my brother and I were younger that he would have definately gone for it. My Mum shouted out ' how can you say that?' and she said she would 'never have emigrated because I could never have left my parents on their own'. Thus implying that I can leave my parents behind quite easily. She feels that we are abandoning them and taking the grandchildren away from them (my brother does not yet have children of his own but has 2 step-children and lives approx 30 mins away from my parents). My Mum is continually telling me how old my grandparents are getting and how much my parents have to do for them these days - I would love to think that this is her merely telling me of her concern for my grandparents, unfortunately I feel this is another blackmail attempt. My parents have said though that they will defo come and visit us but that they are not sure how often due to financial costs, which is fair enough - we have said we will try and help them towards the cost of flights, etc. While we are in my Mums company the atmosphere is OK (although there is a sense she is p**sed off about something) but if anything Australia related comes up - oh dear! The children say it's really annoying that we are not allowed to mention it. If we do battle on and tell her about anything that's happening she pulls a funny face and completely changes the subject. I have said I will not tell her about how things are going in the future but always end up relenting and telling her things (thinking it will be better for her in the long run if she knows whats going on - less of a shock at the end) but I always kick myself shortly after opening my mouth, as the mood turns icey and I feel like a naughty little girl, that is being very bad :arghh: I know this is 'our' life, we cannot live our lives through others, we only get one crack at it, etc - it would be so nice if we could move to the other side of the world with my Mums blessing and a cheery send off - I live in hope that she will come around to the idea by next summer but realistically I think this isn't going to happen. My husbands parents were fine about our plans and have actually said they will be gutted if we don't go - as they can't wait come out on holidays and for us and the children to have a great adventure/life experience. Sorry I have waffled on but feels good to let it all out - especially after 3 days of staying at my Mums and feeling like I'm about the be grounded for being bad! lol Stay strong everyone and Good Luck :biggrin: Liz xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Lass Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Crumbs, Liz, what a story :hug: Your Mum certainly seems to be taking it far too hard and I do hope that she is able to find a way to be happy for you before you make the move. Here is to the hope that you get good news come February and that your Mum and Dad make it over to Australia to see you once you get here. If the gods are kind, perhaps your Mum will even find that she loves it here. :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz Steve R Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Crumbs, Liz, what a story :hug:Your Mum certainly seems to be taking it far too hard and I do hope that she is able to find a way to be happy for you before you make the move. Here is to the hope that you get good news come February and that your Mum and Dad make it over to Australia to see you once you get here. If the gods are kind, perhaps your Mum will even find that she loves it here. :smile: Ha ha I know, it was a bit long! :hug: I think my stress builds sometimes as the only people 'physically' around me that understand and I can talk to about this are the kids. I miss my husband loads when he is away for ages at sea, could do with him being here to chat to and bounce ideas and thoughts off of him. But he'll be home for a while in a few weeks time (his poor ears! lol). Being in this situation it would be so lovely to be able to share our journey with my Mum but I think it's probably best to keep my mouth shut and let her know when everything is in place. She has always been a total control freak - does my head in! lol Fingers crossed everything will turn out well. Liz xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Hopefully Liz after the initial shock has passed, your Mum will start helping you with your plans for Australia. Hang in there girl Love Susie x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SunshineSmile Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Liz, I have to say that my heart goes out to you. Thats awfully difficult and even more so when your hubby is away. She will come round in the end.. in the meantime stay strong and try to ignore the guilt-trips :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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