Starting a relationship away from home....

[Guest Caitmelbourne]

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[Guest MarkChris]

What do you have to loose in the long run other than time. Any relationship will have its difficulties, I am a true believer in following your heart and the rest will follow. Friends come and go, family is forever whatever the distance. I hope you find your happy place in life.....

[Quoll]

You probably are leaping ahead there but the issue you raise is one that you are wise to have in the back of your mind. Aussies dont (and I know there are some wonderful exceptions) as a general rule, want to leave Aus to be with their UK (or other) partners so at some stage down the track you will have to weigh up whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your days with and run the risk of being in a place you dont like and even maybe grow to hate if you feel you are trapped here.

 

Having been the UK half of an Aus/UK marriage and brought up kids here, you have to be very self sufficient and self contained I reckon. I also firmly believe that if he has all of his around him and you have none of yours, that skews the power imbalance in a relationship so a move away from his family and friends will give you both a better chance as a family unit if it comes to that.

 

Some of my regrets are due to the fact that I sort of had the rest of my life with what I would see and what I would do all mapped out and whilst Aus was a nice enough interlude there was the rest of the world to be getting to grips with. Unfortunately once in Australia, it does get very hard to escape both financially and temporally. So, trapped and unstimulated at a time when I thought I had done the hard yards with family etc and not able to do what I want with my life.

 

However, I will say that it is the people who are the most important thing in your life and if this is the man you want to grow old with then you just have to suck up the other stuff! Mine was a holiday romance and we just notched up 37 years so it can work.

 

All the best!

[Guest janie1]

Waterkitty, you are very sensible to be thinking about this, I feel like I have got myself into a similar situation as you are envisioning.

 

My partner is Australian. I met him in the UK where we were together several years. We then moved out here at the beginning of this year so that I could experience life here and then we could ultimately make a decision about where we settled. Over the past months it has become clear that he is very keen to stay, marry and have a family and has said that he cannot see himself settling in the UK. I also want to get married and have children but can not imagine doing this away from my family, who I am very close to. It was a very difficult move when I first came over and my mum fully expects me to go back. I enjoy life here but it is just not right without my family.

 

What I have to address is whether I go back, probably alone and although I will be near my family I will most certainly be unhappy with my life or stay, marry and settle and risk being trapped here in the future. I love my partner very much and can not imagine my life without him however I know I will be causing much upset with my family if I stay and also risk my own unhappiness as a result of being away from them. I feel like I have to choose between my partner (and the family I could have with him) and my own family and friends back in England. What a decision to have to make! At the moment I feel completely lost and have no idea what I should do. It seems ridiculous to think about walking away from a loving relationship with a man that makes me happy but the futures worries me a great deal.

[Guest JulieW]

Run, Janie, run!

 

Seriously, it's good to see a young person giving this topic some thought thanks to the many threads about it in PIO. It's all too easy to make decisions whilst in the early days of a relationship which then have unexpected and unwanted consequences in the longer term.

 

When forming a serious relationship with an Aussie, you really do have to bear in mind the distances involved and also the fact that, as many on PIO have stated, it can take many years before you realise how much you miss home, family and friends and by then you may have children, which makes the whole issue hugely more difficult.

 

Janie, if you cannot see yourself having children without your mother and sister nearby, which is a prefectly normal attitude, please think deeply about your OH's comment that he cannot see himself settling in the UK. Sorry to be so direct. Best of luck.

 

Julie

[Parley]

I think it is right and proper that your partner comes first.

Partner first, family second.

If you love your partner and want to make a life long commitment then that must take precedence over family.

[Guest janie1]

Thanks for the advice both of you and thanks for the bluntness JulieW, sometimes it's needed to really assess the situation. This has been sitting at the back of my mind for a very long time now and it feels like the point where I need to make a decision is getting very close. What makes it harder is that my Mum took my move out here very hard and is always asking when I am going back to live in Engalnd. The thought of telling her I will be settling over here makes me feel physically sick. It would destroy her and I don't know if I can do that to her. However, I also know that she would want me to marry, have a family and be happy with my life. I can see me doing all these things with my partner in Australia but I know I will always have a big black hole in part of my life which means I wouldn't be 100% happy. It also scares me to think I could end up going back to England and having to start all over again and I'm not sure I would find everything I have now, i.e. someone I love and want to share my future with.

 

Either way it will be a compromise, one which I never thought I would have to make but I know I'm not the first person to go through this. I keep thinking a solution to the problem will just hit me and everything will be OK-for now I'll just keep hoping that happens and push this to the back of mind for a little while longer...

[Petals]

I agree Janie if you want to be in UK and he wants to be here and you are single and you have no children please do not think it will change.

 

We are both Brits and fortunately we like it here but I know that if I wanted to return to live in Britain I would be going alone as my oh would not come with me.

 

So its not just Aussies who do not want to return. Same with my Mum she has lived away from UK and wanted to go back and probably still would if she was not 91 but my Dad would not budge

 

As far as having oh family I like my oh family more than my own so not a problem there. :laugh:

[millars]

My sympathies to Janie & waterkitty.........hope it works out for you both.

 

It really is a tough call and will be all the more complicated if there are children as usually both parents would want the kids with them & there is no compromise possible there.

 

However, you and your partner is what counts, not parents, sisters etc.

 

Good luck xx

[whopperdaisy]

Truly, I think that it can put quite a strain on a relationship if you do not really want to be somewhere - one person is always going to miss out and I think it is hard not to resent the other if you are the one missing out. Children make it much more complicated.

 

If things don't work out (and no matter how sure you feel, they very often don't) then if you have children, you may not take them out of the country without his permission. Now this of course is thinking a heck of a way ahead form a new relationship but you should at least be aware that there will be a huge imbalance of power and not everyone can do the right thing when a relationship goes sour - in fact, I think few do.

 

I will say that I have a bias in that I am not allowed to take my young child out of the country, I can't go and visit my family and they are getting older and not in a position to visit me a whole lot in the future. That is a worst case scenario, you could on the other hand love it, not miss your family, cope well when they are ill and you are the other side of the world. There are other stories where things work out beautifully. I would say that at least a, read the thread about what happens when one of you wants to go home with the children (its a sticky in the news, gossip and chat section) and b, take time to see how your partner behaves not when everything is going well but when everything is going wrong (and how he speaks about ex girlfriends might give some clues). I wish I had been as smart as you and questioned things before I made the decisions I did. Good luck with whatever you do.

[3 Piccos]

I'm sorry but I can't get my head around this. You have met a man who you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you can't imagine having children without your mother or sister by your side!! Call me old fashioned but I thought the most important person by your side at this very special time was your partner..... You don't know who to chose, the love of your life or your family?????? To me there is no dilemma. Your partner comes first every time. When me and my husband married we became a solid family unit with our children. Now my children are adults and I have encouraged them to cut the apron strings and to do whatever they want in life. I never want my children to feel guilty at wanting to move away. When you commit yourself to another person, they always have to come first. If you put them second, that's when the problems start. Your mum said she would like to come over to visit you which sounds as though she has started to accept the fact that you may make Australia your home. It might be you that has more of a problem with it. Anybody, male or female, who considers the feelings of family before their relationship is always going to be heading for trouble, no matter which side of the world they live. Sorry for sounding so blunt!

[Guest janie1]

In my case, it's just not possible to be as cut and dry as that. My mum and myself are very close and it is not as simple as putting my feelings before my mum's as ultimately how my mum feels also affects me regardless of how happy my partner makes me. If she is upset I feel upset. I can't just ignore it and that ultimately affects my experience over here in Oz. Different families work in different ways. I too will encourage my children and not make them feel guilty for doing whatever and living wherever they want. This hasn't happened for me but I don't blame my mum for that...that's a whole other story!

[RockDr]

This is a very hard decision, and I know how you feel. I made the decision to come out to australia to be with my partner. I am also very close to my family, but at the end of the day, being back in the UK, close to family and friends, but without the man that I love is simply not an option.

 

I love Australia, and the lifestyle, and am happy living here. However, I made it very clear when we discussed me moving over, that we would have to budget (both holiday time and money) for a yearly trip home, that I would simply feel unhappy and trapped if I couldn't go home once a year. Luckily, we both earn enough that this isn't a problem (even if we end up living off one income), but if you're likely to be on relatively low incomes, then this could be a huge source of contention in the future.

 

Since you are already away from home, I assume you've got all your important people hooked up to Skype? At the end of the day, being in australia doesn't stop you contacting home just as often (or little) as you would if you were living in different towns in the UK.

[Peach]

Great thread and thanks. ) To some degree the topics discussed I'm yet to face. My partner is Australian and we've been living together for 12 years in the UK, for the past 2 and half with our first child. Deep down, I know it's going to break my mother's heart when we move. But I can't help but think we'd feel the same emotions if we were only moving 2 hours up the road.

[whopperdaisy]

I'm sorry but I can't get my head around this. You have met a man who you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you can't imagine having children without your mother or sister by your side!! Call me old fashioned but I thought the most important person by your side at this very special time was your partner..... You don't know who to chose, the love of your life or your family?????? To me there is no dilemma. Your partner comes first every time. When me and my husband married we became a solid family unit with our children. Now my children are adults and I have encouraged them to cut the apron strings and to do whatever they want in life. I never want my children to feel guilty at wanting to move away. When you commit yourself to another person, they always have to come first. If you put them second, that's when the problems start. Your mum said she would like to come over to visit you which sounds as though she has started to accept the fact that you may make Australia your home. It might be you that has more of a problem with it. Anybody, male or female, who considers the feelings of family before their relationship is always going to be heading for trouble, no matter which side of the world they live. Sorry for sounding so blunt!

 

Shame on me for not putting my husband first when he hit me, screamed abuse at me, belittled me, boasted about his prowess with other women, took drugs around my baby. I put my child first instead but thank you for letting me know that putting him second was when the problems started. Sorry for sounding so blunt.

 

I would love to hope that doesn't ever happen to anyone else but as the laws and their execution stand, it will. I think the OP is very wise to at least learn what can potentially happen if things don't work out - at least that way she has the option of exploring solutions and discussing such issues in advance rather than when it is too late.

[3 Piccos]

Shame on me for not putting my husband first when he hit me, screamed abuse at me, belittled me, boasted about his prowess with other women, took drugs around my baby. I put my child first instead but thank you for letting me know that putting him second was when the problems started. Sorry for sounding so blunt.

 

I would love to hope that doesn't ever happen to anyone else but as the laws and their execution stand, it will. I think the OP is very wise to at least learn what can potentially happen if things don't work out - at least that way she has the option of exploring solutions and discussing such issues in advance rather than when it is too late.

 

What an absolutely stupid post, written by someone who is evidently very bitter. People wanting to talk sensibly about this subject, would realise that we are talking about people who are in a stable happy relationship, not an abusive violent one. Anyone who had an abusive partner be it physical or mental abuse, should not put him first, but put him through the door. Let's be sensible here. The sarcasm and rudeness is uncalled for and was written, I believe, knowing that we were not talking about such a scenario. I don't think Waterkitty would be on this forum asking for advice if she was in such a relationship!! She would know what to do!

[whopperdaisy]

What an absolutely stupid post

 

rudeness is uncalled for

 

ok then.

[Guest JulieW]

Good for you, WalterKitty. A happy life is made up of many relationships, not just that of you and your partner. And, anyway, who puts who first if each partner wants to live in a different country?

[3 Piccos]

I understand where you're coming from 3Piccos, but actually I'm not sure I do agree that your partner should always come first...maybe the reason that this situation got me thinking. Having heard peoples experiences from here, putting their partner first has not always necessarily led to a happy life & there appears to be regrets at times. Obviously things change when children enter the equation & they become the priority, but I do think 'choosing' a partner over family/home would put unbelievable pressure on a relationship. Thinking back to a past long-term relationship of my own that I believed to be stable, I'm relieved that I didn't make a huge move away from family & friends for that person because he turned out to be a complete twonk & surprised a fair few people.

 

Unfortunately, I think I'll always be at least a little cautious in relationships.

 

 

First of all I think you have misunderstood what I am saying, and what a couple of other people have said. When you marry or commit yourself to someone else, you two are supposed to be the most important person to each other. Decisions should be made with the two of you in mind not your extended family. Yes, you may miss your parents and siblings, but if moving to the other side of the world, or the other side of the UK because of a job offer or for some other reason then you do it because it is best for the two of you. When children come along, I completely agree with you, they come first. I told my husband when our children were young that they came before him and I expected him to feel the same way. I told him if we are ever in a boat and it capsized, he had to rescue the kids not me, because I would definitely be looking for the kids, not him. No question about it, kids always come first...... However, I still maintain that extended family should not be considered before your (loving) partner. I have seen quite a few women (and men) who have caused problems in their relationship because they have done exactly that. Many years ago my husband considered his extended family before me and the kids when we were making an important decision, and I tell you, that was the first and last time he did. Not all extended families are the same. Some want to know the ins and outs of everything in your marriage/relationship, and involve themselves (rightly they think) in matters in which they should have no say. My mother always wanted to know what was happening and it was twenty questions all the time (still is to this day). I never ask questions of my children regarding their marriage/relationship. If they want me to know things they will tell me. If they want to go away at Christmas for a family holiday I encourage them to go. My goodness if I had told my mother that we were going away for Christmas she would have sulked until Easter!!! If I told my husband we couldn't go away at Christmas because of my parents he would have sulked!!! What I am saying is, in my opinion it has to be my mother that sulked. I should not put extended family before my own family. I suppose different people will agree with me and others won't but that again is down to personal beliefs. Of course, if there were exceptional circumstances because of serious chronic illness, where your input was necessary, then in that scenario I would expect my husband to love me enough that he would go along with what I had to do to support that member of the extended family.

 

And don't think I am blind to the fact that there are a lot of "twonks" out there. I met a few when I was younger but luckily dumped them. My daughter has met her fair share as well, and my husband has actually chased a couple with a baseball bat!! Sorry fellas, but there are not a lot of decent blokes out there. When you actually do find one, you have to make it work the best you can. That certainly does not mean by being a doormat. Anybody who knows me would be laughing now, because I am very strong, very in control and definitely an equal partner in any relationship and have brought my daughter up the same way. "POWER TO THE GIRLS!!

[Happy Lass]

I think it is vital to establish where you want to live when you are in a relationship with someone from another country. You don't have to have this discussion until you are ready but I do think it is important to find out whether your partner's country is one where you would be happy to make your life let alone whether you are comfortable with the idea of living away from your own family. Then when you are ready to talk about making your lives together you will be sure about where you stand on the matter.

 

I agree with the advice about putting your life with your partner ahead of your commitments to your parents but this should not be at the expense of your relationship with them. It's better to have a good and healthy relationship with everyone you love than to be in a situation where someone is made to feel that they are second best.

 

If you feel you want to be near to your family and that that is right for you well then that is what it is: right for you. It is perfectly alright to consider whether you will want to live abroad at the beginning of a relationship with a person you are falling head over heels in love with. My husband and I discussed this at the outset and we agreed that I would move here. With my hand on my heart I can tell you that I was utterly miserable away from him even though I was surrounded by my family and friends and everything that was familiar. Now that we are married and living together here in our home in Australia, I am very, very happy. :wubclub:

 

I do miss my family and friends of course but I am finding new friends here and my husband's family and friends have been really lovely, warm and welcoming so it has worked out for me. I hope that wherever you choose to live your life that you are happy. :smile:

 

All the best,

H.L.