Guest joeycola Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hi everyone, I'm fairly new to this forum and I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right section so please bear with me. I'm originally from the UK, moved out here in 1997. Married an Aussie and had a gorgeous baby girl a year ago. Hubby and I sadly separated as he has issues that I will no longer tolerate. My issues are that I now feel completely ALONE. Hubby's parents (whom I once loved) are obviously taking his side, mutual friends no longer call or feel awkward in my company. I only have a couple of friends who I could trust. My heart is now starting to yearn for England and my hubby is making my life hell with daily harassment and psychological bullying. He has made it clear (via his solicitor) that he wants my daughters passport in trust with the solicitor and if I want to holiday in England I have to, a) give him 3 months notice, b) put $5000 in trust, c) allow him to have the same amount of holiday time with my daughter upon her return from England (I have issues with allowing him overnight visits as he is a heavy drinker). So, I guess my question is, has anybody been through anything similar. Were you able to relocate back to the UK with your children and what were the implications. Thank you for any help you may be able to provide. I'm sinking into a big, black hole here..............................................:wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 :hug: I hope you are getting very good legal advice! Not been in your shoes, but knowing the way the family court here operates I would say that they are not likely to make it easy for you to go home if the other parent is against it. The only way you would be able to escape is if you had evidence of some threat to your or your child's safety. Are you getting advice and support from any of the Womens services? There are agencies out there which can give you a hand, dont be afraid to ask. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it must be a nightmare! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TaniaColin Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hi and welcome to the forum, sorry they aren't under better circumstances, i can't offer you any advice, but just hope you manage to sort things out. Its never easy going through a divorce and it can be harder when children are involved. Fingers crossed for you Tania X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest spottymercedes Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 So Sorry to hear things are so bad for you, what an awful situation to be in. I can't really offer any advice as I wouldn't know where to start on this side of the globe, but do you have any PIO members near your home so you can at least talk to someone. Where abouts are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest snow white Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hi everyone, I'm fairly new to this forum and I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right section so please bear with me. I'm originally from the UK, moved out here in 1997. Married an Aussie and had a gorgeous baby girl a year ago. Hubby and I sadly separated as he has issues that I will no longer tolerate. My issues are that I now feel completely ALONE. Hubby's parents (whom I once loved) are obviously taking his side, mutual friends no longer call or feel awkward in my company. I only have a couple of friends who I could trust. My heart is now starting to yearn for England and my hubby is making my life hell with daily harassment and psychological bullying. He has made it clear (via his solicitor) that he wants my daughters passport in trust with the solicitor and if I want to holiday in England I have to, a) give him 3 months notice, b) put $5000 in trust, c) allow him to have the same amount of holiday time with my daughter upon her return from England (I have issues with allowing him overnight visits as he is a heavy drinker). So, I guess my question is, has anybody been through anything similar. Were you able to relocate back to the UK with your children and what were the implications. Thank you for any help you may be able to provide. I'm sinking into a big, black hole here..............................................:wacko: hi joeynicola, i genuinely feel sorry for you and your situation, but hte first thing you must do is contact a solicitor and get the correct legal advice you need as much info as possible to be able to work out where to go from here, let us know how you get on sending lots of luck and best wishes your way for a positive ending to your situation lesley xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I think as Quoll says the urgent thing is for you to secure you're own legal advice, not only about returning home but the short term plans for your daughter - access etc., Not knowing the law system here, I couldn't offer you any advice ... but we are here to offer you some support. Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest joeycola Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks so much for your replies and support. Quoll, he hasn't made any direct threats and there is no domestic violence. He is however harassing me almost daily and making my life hell. Does pschological torture count? I haven't contacted any of the women's services thus far (wouldn't know where to start), I live in a small country town so there is not much in the way of support groups or help here. Spottymercedes, I am in the Hunter Valley, NSW a couple of hours from Newcastle. I live in a small town where everybody knows (or wants to know) your business. My hubby was born and bred here so everybody knows him and supports him (hence my isolation). I am taking legal advice and see my solicitor again on Friday. Hubby is a very controlling, manipulative person who always gets his own way so I feel bullied and steam-rollered into making decisions because of his pressure. First of all though, I have to reconcile myself to the fact that I am stuck here forever........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Noodle Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Sorry I can't be of any help with the law over in oz, but I do agree with all about getting your own legal council. You need it for your own peace of mind. As for the drinking, I was once married to a very cunning and manipulative drinker, and that they are. The only thing I can say to you is, keep you cool at all times, you are a person who deserves respect, has likes and dislikes and has a right to say you are not happy in other words do not let him get you thinking otherwise. Get legal council a-s-a-p and let off steam in a diary (can help). Make sure you go out with little one and do not hide away. It is hard and, so far away from home too. Stand your ground - there is life after sad losers with big egos and not much else!!!!! As far as his family goes, let them bury their heads in the sand, one day he will be their problem not yours! Hang on in, keep chatting to all, I am sure we will all keep you company when princess is in the land of nod. Best wishes:v_SPIN: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest joeycola Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks for your great post Spinner. You are right, drinkers can be very cunning and manipulative. My hubby has a very good, well-paid job and keeps telling me that his company would not employ an alcoholic. OK, he may not be at the stage of pouring vodka on his cornflakes, but he cant go a day without drinking (plus he has liver issues from his alcohol consumption). And with regards to hiding away - I live in a big house in a very isolated area. My only neighbours are kangaroos and cows! I once loved this lifestyle but now I am finding it very lonely. Sometimes it is hard to get out the house and go into town when all I really want to do is crawl under a rock until this is all over, but I know for Lily's sake (and for my own sanity) I must keep busy. You people are so wonderful to take the time to reply, looks like I'll be spending quite some time on this forum!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clackkit Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 So sorry to here the situation you are in its just awful...This is my one concern if i were to ever split with my partner because i would defiantly want to return to england. Just a stab in the dark but if your hubby is a bully and manipulator he is probably trying to intimidate you into thinking you can never leave so that you wont look into it when maybe his case isn't has strong as he would like you to think? For your daughter (i know it must be so hard for you) be the strong English woman that you are and although this could take 5 years they will soon be over and you can be back in England when with anyluck credit crunch is over and you can provide a better future for yourself and daughter. No matter how hard times get and even at times when it seems impossible...find something that could be positive that you can aim for that will keep you going so to speak. I believe that everything happens for a reason and hard times are there to make us stronger. I really hope you get some answers and manage to get away from your awful Husband Best of luck C x Thanks so much for your replies and support. Quoll, he hasn't made any direct threats and there is no domestic violence. He is however harassing me almost daily and making my life hell. Does pschological torture count? I haven't contacted any of the women's services thus far (wouldn't know where to start), I live in a small country town so there is not much in the way of support groups or help here. Spottymercedes, I am in the Hunter Valley, NSW a couple of hours from Newcastle. I live in a small town where everybody knows (or wants to know) your business. My hubby was born and bred here so everybody knows him and supports him (hence my isolation). I am taking legal advice and see my solicitor again on Friday. Hubby is a very controlling, manipulative person who always gets his own way so I feel bullied and steam-rollered into making decisions because of his pressure. First of all though, I have to reconcile myself to the fact that I am stuck here forever........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Libby1971 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Hun, massive hugs to you. I can't even being to imagine how tough it must be.:hug: However, as Clakkit says, you are a strong English woman and you are not on your own, you just have found the smiley faces that are out there waiting to support you. I can understand that there may not be the support groups near you, but there will be a telephone number that you can find and a group listed there may be able to advise/ support you. As for the solicitor, I would take a tape recorder with you to record the conversation so that later when you want to think about something, you have not got to try to remember what was said. Your hubbie is making things hard for you to go back. Is there anyone from the UK that could come to see you for a while to give you some moral and emotional support? It sounds as though he has most issues with you going back to the UK, what about going for a break away somewhere else in Oz to get your head a bit clearer away from all the reminders of him? Would he object to that? Would he be supportive if you were ultimately go just move out of the town as a short term compromise? In the meantime take care :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest spottymercedes Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks so much for your replies and support. Quoll, he hasn't made any direct threats and there is no domestic violence. He is however harassing me almost daily and making my life hell. Does pschological torture count? I haven't contacted any of the women's services thus far (wouldn't know where to start), I live in a small country town so there is not much in the way of support groups or help here. Spottymercedes, I am in the Hunter Valley, NSW a couple of hours from Newcastle. I live in a small town where everybody knows (or wants to know) your business. My hubby was born and bred here so everybody knows him and supports him (hence my isolation). I am taking legal advice and see my solicitor again on Friday. Hubby is a very controlling, manipulative person who always gets his own way so I feel bullied and steam-rollered into making decisions because of his pressure. First of all though, I have to reconcile myself to the fact that I am stuck here forever........... Hi Joeycola, I wish I was closer to you so I could visit you and be there at this awful time. I am hoping that there is someone on here who will see this thread and be closer to you and hopefully be there for you. Try to get through Friday and see your solicitor and hopefully this will bring some good news or at least hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I had a lot of troubles with my sons father when wanting to move here and I know it is hard to think about anything else when the future is full of uncertainties, but try to keep positive and remember you are not alone. There are a lot of nice people on here and if you need to talk then pm me and I will reply ASAP. Take care and as everyone else says try to stay positive for Lily. Thinking of you, Marie xx:hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Kate Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Hiya. I was really sorry to hear about the tough time you are going through. Hopefully your solicitor will be able to give you some positive news, but do ask him/her if they specialise in your particular circumstance (ie you being British and him Australian) and the fact that you want to move back to the UK. Have you tried searching the net for advice? Lots of legal firms post information and you may find some avenues that you could then ask your solicitor to pursue, or alternatively it may help you put together a list of questions to ask him/her so none of your time/money is wasted during the meeting. Your GP maybe a source of info re women's support groups. I do hope that things work out as you would like them to. In the meantime, there's lots of us who are thinking of you, even if we can't be of a great deal of practical help. With very best wishes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest rubydoo Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 HI joespentycola Sorry to hear your situation I really feel for you, The only knowledge I have is a friend of a friend had a sim situation she had 2 children and he made her life hell mental torture etc he did alot of bad things to try to ruin her life she had a break down ended up in hospital!! she spent alot of time at solicitors etc trying to get back to uk and I know she had to put a big bond in A/C....... when she went back to UK!!!!! and (never returned). I am sure you will get through this be strong and get out with your daughter and meet new friends and maybe you should think of moving areas..... Good luck & Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moonlit_valley Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I don't how different the law is in Aus from England, but this is how it was for us here in the UK when we wanted to take our 12 year old (my step-son) to NZ with us a few years ago. Our solicitor informed us that we had every right to immigrate to any other question, it's our human right. No one can stop us from doing so. But what we had to do was go to court to allow us to take the child out of the country against his fathers wishes. Under 12 the child is treated as a minor, and so the court almost *always* rules in favour of the mother, meaning you could take your daughter. Above 12 and the child in the eyes of the law suddenly has an opinion and a child phsychologist is brought in to the equation. So, it doesn't matter what he is demanding if solicitor confirms that in Aus too the law is in favour of the minor living with the child (where ever that may be). With regards to holidays and demands for money there is nothing in England that insists you give a fixed amount of notice before going away as long as the notice is reasonable. There is nothing about funds (as far as I am aware) in the UK, but as this is quite a specific request from the father and someone else has mentioned it here in this thread, maybe it's different in Aus. There is nothing about equal amounts of time to holiday. Your daughter resides with one and holidays with the other. I'm no solicitor but I hope this helps. D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest joeycola Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Thank you all for your replies. You are the best! I saw my solicitor today and things dont look brilliant. Apparently she said the likelihood of me being able to move back to the UK with Lily is not good. I asked whether I could move to the coast to get away from him and his harassment (2 hours away) and she told me that he could possibly stop me doing this too. I now feel even more suffocated and bullied than ever before. I feel like hubby is calling the shots, he tells me what time he wants Lily and for how long, he seems to be dictating the rules and not compromising at all. For instance, during the week Lily and I go to mothers groups, play groups and swimming lessons. They are my sanctuary. They keep me sane. I therefore drop Lily off to her Dad after these activities at midday and he has her until 6pm. He told me tonight that HE is missing out on seeing Lily interact with other children and that he wants to start taking her to play group etc!!! What a total moron, he knows it's the only social outing I have and place to chat with my friends. He wants to take everything away from me.:sad: So I feel like I have no rights. I'm stuck in this country and possibly in this God awful town for ever. Somebody shoot me now!:arghh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawny Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Hi hunny, Sending you huge hugs!!!!! I really feel for you and my heart goes out to you! Stay strong for you and your little one, The worst thing you can do is let him know he is getting to you, Hard i know when you feel like you could put ya hands round his throat and squeeze tight!!!! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest spottymercedes Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Thank you all for your replies. You are the best! I saw my solicitor today and things dont look brilliant. Apparently she said the likelihood of me being able to move back to the UK with Lily is not good. I asked whether I could move to the coast to get away from him and his harassment (2 hours away) and she told me that he could possibly stop me doing this too. I now feel even more suffocated and bullied than ever before. I feel like hubby is calling the shots, he tells me what time he wants Lily and for how long, he seems to be dictating the rules and not compromising at all. For instance, during the week Lily and I go to mothers groups, play groups and swimming lessons. They are my sanctuary. They keep me sane. I therefore drop Lily off to her Dad after these activities at midday and he has her until 6pm. He told me tonight that HE is missing out on seeing Lily interact with other children and that he wants to start taking her to play group etc!!! What a total moron, he knows it's the only social outing I have and place to chat with my friends. He wants to take everything away from me.:sad: So I feel like I have no rights. I'm stuck in this country and possibly in this God awful town for ever. Somebody shoot me now!:arghh: I can't believe that the solicitors advice is correct. If you are not allowed to move away from him even to the coast, then that would mean that he is allowed by law to control you even though you are not together. This does not seem right to me. He sounds like such a ba***rd, I am so mad at reading this. It is obvious he is trying to control your life and stop you from moving on by using your child as ammunition. Personally I think you should get advice from another solicitor, as I can't believe that this could be true. Hang in there and stay strong for Lily, xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Victoria19 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi, I am in the same situation as you though my child is older, 10 years. Like you I feel stuck. All my family are in the UK and given my ex was very controlling I have few friends. I believe I need my ex's permission to take my child to the UK. I have asked for this but been refused. I am not sure what I am going to do. I know this is not of much practical help to you because I have not sorted my own situation out yet. However, as soon as I read your entry I had empathy with you because of the similarity to my own situation. My thoughts are with you and my support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I have been trying to get info on a parent's capacity to move away from a particular place but havent been too successful. AFAIK you only need permission to take out of the jurisdiction so that would leave you with all of NSW to be able to move to. I know that people wanting to take their kids out of ACT need permission and would think that the same is true for NSW. I cannot believe that there can be that much control that they can dictate which town you have to live in. The only case I could find did say that the needs of the child are paramount so giving an excuse like one parent needs to be free of the control of another parent is not going to be enough - you need to point to the best interests of the child in some way. With psychological abuse any woman can still contact their local DV service and see if there are any loopholes or other strategies which may be able to help. I really feel for you both and for anyone who is stuck here because a selfish prat of an ex wont let them leave. It's unfortunately one of those things that happens more often than it ought that a controller seeks to isolate their partner and then keep them under control legally by using the kids as pawns! What they dont realize is that there is more potential for a good long term relationship with the kids if they havent totally alienated the other partner in the process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TaniaColin Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi, I am in the same situation as you though my child is older, 10 years. Like you I feel stuck. All my family are in the UK and given my ex was very controlling I have few friends. I believe I need my ex's permission to take my child to the UK. I have asked for this but been refused. I am not sure what I am going to do. I know this is not of much practical help to you because I have not sorted my own situation out yet. However, as soon as I read your entry I had empathy with you because of the similarity to my own situation. My thoughts are with you and my support. Hi Victoria, sorry to hear you are in the same situation, i suppose it is hard to give advice, if you have never been in that sort of situation, all what i can say is stay strong, i left my husband and took my 3 children with me, my daughter was only 2 months old at the time, it is hard though, and like anything you have your good days and the bad days, i'm sure you will get there in the end. Best of luck Tania X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
restfamily Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I have recently seperated and the legal advice I have is the same - I'm in the ACT. As the UK is covered by the Hague convention the UK police would just be oliged to return your dd to Oz if you ever went there. As I understand it there are lots of laws here about how far you can take the children from the other parent, to ensure that the child has access to appropriate parent arrangements. e.g If Dad takes child to school 3 times a week you cant move and make that impossible, even if its just a hour say. Try the single parents forum on www.essentialbaby.com.au for support. I am sure the girls on there will be able to give you some advice. Right now we are all happy here, but I am not sure how long it will be before one of us wants to go to the UK and/or other gets an Australian partner. Being single working parents is tough when you are on the other side of the globe for from your family. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alan Collett Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Contact a solicitor if you haven't done so already. Maybe start with George Lombard in Sydney, who posts on this forum on migration related issues and who should be able to give initial guidance, but may refer onto a specialist family lawyer. Best regards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest joeycola Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Victoria, sorry to hear that you are going through this hell too. Where abouts in Aus are you? Tania, is your ex going to make it difficult for you to emigrate? Or are things amicable between you two? It must have been so difficult to leave your hubby with a two month old baby. You ARE a very strong woman. (I'm a Staffordshire lass too BTW)! Restfamily, sorry to hear that you are in this sad situation too. I will check out the Essentialbaby forum tomorrow. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TaniaColin Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Victoria, sorry to hear that you are going through this hell too. Where abouts in Aus are you? Tania, is your ex going to make it difficult for you to emigrate? Or are things amicable between you two? It must have been so difficult to leave your hubby with a two month old baby. You ARE a very strong woman. (I'm a Staffordshire lass too BTW)! Restfamily, sorry to hear that you are in this sad situation too. I will check out the Essentialbaby forum tomorrow. Thank you. Hi, I have not seen or really spoke to my Ex since we divorced, he has no contact with the children, so we have been to court recently, and i have permission to take the children to Oz with us. I think i got to the stage where i wasn't happy no longer and i knew i had to leave, so i could get that happiness back, it does make you a stronger person, but it is hard at the time. Tania X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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