Marriage breakup - heading back to the UK

[EllieLouise]

Just wanted to share my story up to where I currently am....

 

Just over 6 years ago I met my husband whilst travelling. Although I had only known him a month I decided to go back to Australia (where he was from) for 6 or so months and see how I go (I guess I was very much in the travelling mindset at the time!) Anyway to cut a long story short, I ended up moving to a country town in rural SA (where he was from) and as I loved this man decided to give it a go!

 

The first year was incredibly challenging. I had told my worried family at the time about the situation but I wasn't completely honest about the fact that I was in the middle of nowhere (by English terms!) and as I didn't want them to worry, whenever I spoke to them I told them that life was wonderful. Anyway, I stuck through this challenging time and culture shock (I am from near London) and we ended up getting engaged and married.

 

To be honest I think we had some challenges right from the start of our relationship. Although I didn't admit it I was incredibly homesick and I missed my friends and family. I felt like there was nothing to do where I was now living (other than country netball and football as the nearest city was over 2 hours away) and I just felt like I didn't fit in. My husband told me that he didn't ever want to relocate to the UK because he couldn't handle the traffic, bad weather and cost of living compared to rural SA. I brushed everything under the carpet and told myself that I had a much better lifestyle than the UK because I lived in a big 4 bedroom detached house with lots of land and for that price I would be lucky to afford a bedsit back where I was from in the UK.

 

Anyway, I ended up falling pregnant and unfortunately miscarried at 13 weeks. There were complications due to them finding a growth in my womb which meant I had to undergo various procedures and blood tests over the following year. During this period and also having both my grandparents and uncle passing away I started to crave England and my family even more. I have always been very independent but I needed some more emotional support which my husband was unable to provide because he was very much caught up in his work and was not around much. The marriage has now fallen apart because my husband has still refused to come to England (even for a year).

 

So, now I have moved out of my home and I'm feeling very much lost with the whole situation. I'm struggling with the whole small town gossip and I'm packing up ready to go back to the UK in Dec. It will be great to be back near my family and friends but at the same time I'm so nervous about going back because I know it will be different at the same time. I feel sad that I have failed at my marriage after only 2 years and it's difficult when all my friends (here and in the uk are married with children now) and I'm back at stage 1. However, I'm determined to keep my head up and I hope that by going home I can feel I belong again and that new opportunities will be there for me.

[bristolman]

Sorry to here about your situation, it's never easy. I grew up in Australia and there is no way ever that I could live in a rural Australian town. Reading your message I don't see that you have failed at all.

[Bungo]

It is brave to know when something is not right for you and to walk away. It is not failure. You will be coming back to the UK at a wonderful time of year, well I just love UK and especially London in December anyway. Good luck.

[Bound4Tassie]

Marriages can fail for many reasons. It's extremely difficult when one partner is so unhappy where they are. My husband came over to the UK after we met travelling - he has been unhappy living here ever since and at times been really quite depressed....for all the reasons your husband cited. The UK just doesn't suit him. We are moving back to Tasmania next year and of course I don't expect it to be a bed of roses but at least I do know that I love Tasmania and I hope to have a happier / more relaxed husband back! Anyway the point of all that was that you're not alone in feeling like that, sometimes you can work through it/ come to a compromise.... Sometimes you can't and you have to break up. You tried your best in Aus, maybe your husband could've tried UK life but if he knew he would be just as unhappy as you were, then you probably would've split up anyway.

 

I'm sure you will be happier with your new start. Just enjoy the opportunites and don't worry about everyone else's stage of life.

Wish you all the best.

[flag of convenience]

I can completely arrive at least a part understanding having lived in ' small town' Australia, (if possibly, not as small a place as you found yourself in) and the challenges thrown up and faced during that time. I imagine I would be pining for a locality close to London and another life, if the same shoe was on my foot. Good luck with the future.

[Marisawright]

Leaving your marriage is not failure! A lot of people would've given up on it long before you. You've married a man who's not prepared to compromise one iota to meet you halfway - for instance, you could easily move to the outskirts of Adelaide instead of being stuck out in the country, he still wouldn't have to deal with crowds and traffic. If you've told him you can't live in the country, and he's refused to make any attempt to compromise, then it's his failure not yours.

[mouse]

Your story is so very similar to mine. I didn't have a baby and have stayed in Australia after my marriage broke up but you're so very similar. I'm a few years down the track since my break-up so all I wanted to say is it gets better and in time you'll be able to look back and see it as an experience with both happy and sad moments. It gets better I promise.

 

I'm going back to England in December too. It's scary but exciting at the same time - it's another adventure. You could have stayed in England and wondered what if.

[starlight7]

Good luck Ellie. You are incredibly brave to have survived so long in a rural town-I have lived in a town like that just once in my life( I came from London originally)and it was pretty dire- people are not that friendly to 'outsiders' I found. I only lasted 6 months and I had 4 lovely children to keep me company so what you have been through is 10 times worse. You will look back one day and see it as a phase of your life from which you grew and learnt a lot.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

@EllieLouise firstly can I say, stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve a medal with everything you have been through and I'm surprised you didn't jump on a plane earlier. Your ex sounds very much like my middle son in that he expects girls to give everything up for him to be happy but he doesn't care about how they feel and how lonely they will be in a place where they have no friends and no family. I have just had this conversation with him today and he said, well she as you to talk to. He really doesn't get it, how on earth is someone going to go to their mother in law and say can I move in with you as me and your son aren't getting along. Life really doesn't work like that.

Also having lost a baby you are probably still in mourning. Then the hospital complications.

 

I know every time I'm in hospital I want my mum there, I miss having visitors and friends calling in to see me, although I have been lucky and some lovely people from the forum have visited at these times. But to go through all this without support I don't know how you have managed.

 

In regards to Australia, I think sometimes people build it up so much before they leave and then are disappointed when they get here, but don't like to feel like they have failed and darent tell people back in the UK how they truly feel. Again, you haven't failed, you got out there and travelled the world whilst others sat in their office working.

 

Look back and remember the good times, all the things you have achieved.

Huge hugs :hug:

[Quoll]

Good luck Ellie! I'm so sorry that you have been through all that and I can only agree with the others - I see absolutely no failure on your part there at all! In a marriage there has to be compromise and I can see none from your DH - it is that lack of capacity/willingness to even try and find a tiny chink of compromise which kills a relationship stone dead.

[Franklin05]

Sorry to hear you have had such a hard time, Ellie. As others have said don't be so hard on yourself you've had a lot to deal with and it must have ben a very isolating time for you. Rural Australia is nothing like living in the country in the UK where (unless in the Scottish highlands or some such place) you are likely only to be an hour or so away from a city or big town or two and you've done well to last so long. It does sound like your husband was very unwilling to compromise and has been unfair on you, marriage is about compromise.

 

Feeling nervous about returning to the UK is understandable, but look at it as an opportunity after all that you have been through. You might even find that you feel relieved to be away from the doldrums and gossip of small town life.

[suesmalls]

@EllieLouise, I'm so very sorry to hear of your situation and like others have said, don't be so hard on yourself. You have givenit a go and can give no more. It's a shame you tried to push your true feelings away but you did it for love.

I am Australian and moving to England next year as my husband wants to return after being in Australia for most of his life. He is missing his parents terribly and is depressed. As mine have past away I don't have a lot of family here. So your desire and pull to be with family is completely understandable - even after living in Australia for over 20 years my husband wants to go back and be closer to them.

 

You are very brave and don't worry about small town gossip, that's the same the world over; be it small town, office rumours etc - people just love having a good nag about someone else to avoid their own problems and short comings. I hope you have seen some of the nice parts of Australia and don't go away without something nice to remember of Australia

 

I hope everything works out well for you when you get home and no need to feel any shame, failure or any other negative feelings. You went on a adventure, gave it a shot and now realise there is something else you need. That takes a lot of courage to face the truth head on and make big life changes - you should be holding your head high and be proud of yourself. Wishing you the best xxx

Safe travels x

[CatMoose]

Hey lass

 

I'm also in South Australia - though on the coast near Adelaide NOT country. I do like it here, but I am working towards going home as soon as I can get a job (or courage to go without one!). My sis has cancer, my nieces are growing too fast and well... I just miss the UK in so many ways.

 

It was pretty ballsy to move where you did, Christ not even metro Adelaide! The only people who have 'failed' are those who sit on high, bitch moan and whine but do nothing about it. You gave it a shot but as someone has previously said, if your hubby won't even compromise an hour's nearer to Adelaide then you've gotta question whether he'd be there for you at all.

 

As a comparison, my friend is an Aussie and met her husband on a station north of Coober Pedy. They now live in the Adelaide Hills in the countryside as she needed to be nearer civilisation. He still won't wear a watch, works when it's light and he struggles not being 'out bush' but he compromised anyway because that's what you do when you love and more importantly, respect someone.

 

Hopefully when you get back to the UK you'll also have fond memories of Oz and will crack on making new ones back 'ome!

 

If you're out Adelaide way, give me a shout I'll shout you a coffee

Edited September 20, 2016 by Catmoose15

[Concept]

So sorry to hear about your experience.

 

Yeah, life in Australia can definitely be a major culture shock. I have the utmost respect for how you dealt with everything. A real trooper as they say. I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss of the child, that can be really hard. I totally understand your need to go back and be with your family. It's a shame that the relationship had to end the way it did, but it sounds like it will be for the best, no matter how hard it seems.

 

Thanks again for your openness