My Husband Is Miserable and Talking of Returning to UK

[Bristol Chris]

I can see how it would be very difficult for you and him. Is he the type of person who gives up easily at the sign of a struggle? I am consciouss that some people do and some people don't, that's the way it goes.

 

I would say, I imagine you've spent a huge amount of money moving over. Can you remind him of that and that it would be worth putting in more time than a month! As hard as it seem now, I'm sure with utter perserverence and a touch of luck life could get better. Yes it can be all about jobs.

 

I'm going to be a bit of a D. Advocate here and say your OH sounds a little insensitive and a bit selfish. Can he see the whole picture?

 

Perhaps life in Ozzie is not for you both - perhaps it is - however, a month will not tell you.

 

I think sit down, put all worries on a piece of paper and all the good things on another. Draw up a plan and say right, in a year's time we will relook at whether UK is best for us to return to.

 

In the meantime, we're here, we spent loads of money to get here, we're doing something so many others only dream of - lets make a real go of it. Set a realistic timeframe and both stick to it.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Bristol Chris

[Bristol Chris]

My two penneth...Smack him in the gob and tell him to stop being a selfish, self centred child.

 

You have a life, too.

 

Cheers, Bobj.

 

I do have to agree with this a little bib BOBJ

[Weasie]

Two passports - why did you guys decide to move to Australia? Once your partner has a job and you can move somewhere a bit more central are you going to get what you were looking for? You have to accept there are downsides of being here compared to London and start embracing the upsides as soon as possible. The middle of winter in Melbourne isn't the best time to take advantage of the great outdoors...

[JockinTas]

Yes I do think he feels the reality of life here was 'oversold', i.e. too many people saying he'll find a job easily, blah blah blah. He feels we've been jinxed somehow.

 

You managed write perfectly how I feel about it being 'unreasonable' to give up so soon. It certainly has been a great deal of stress, money and time involved in getting here and seems such a waste to throw it away. My husband is not a great communicator, and I honestly can't recall him ever stating a timeframe himself. Whenever we talked about it, either together or with others, I would mention that if we don't like it we can come back - after a couple of years! So that was the minimum timeframe I always had in mind, and he never contradicted it. If he thought otherwise it would have been nice to know beforehand, as I might have had second thoughts about shipping all our stuff!

 

Tsk! Everybody here knows that jobs are NOT as easy to find these days. Australia could be heading for a recession.

[twopassports]

My two penneth...Smack him in the gob and tell him to stop being a selfish, self centred child.

 

You have a life, too.

 

Cheers, Bobj.

 

thanks Bobj. I know he's stressed out but I often wish he'd grow up just a little bit!

[M1cha3la]

Oh hun, first of all big :hug: I am in a similar situation with my hubby, we have been here around two months and he has still not managed to find work. Things are tough out there right now and each day when I get home (I was so lucky and got work) I can feel the tension. My hubby has always been the main earner for us and and while he has not said it yet I know he is currently miserable. I think a job is such a big part of daily life and while many of of dream about quitting and doing nothing (me!), the reality of being at home all day is probably quite different. Combined with all the other factors of moving, it's probably all a bit much.

 

From what you have posted you know when to pick your timings for conversations with your hubby, it's a fine line of being loving to stop the depression but also dishing a bit of tough love to stop the depression. Tonight I am kind of at the point bobj mentioned and am trying not to smack my hubby in the mouth :laugh: sometimes they need it.

 

4 - 6 months is not long enough for it all come together and it is not fair to put that pressure on you. It is not even allowing your hubby the 12 months to get his permit to work. It's still really early days and realistically you need 2 years i'd say to truly settle. I can imagine that amount of time will be hard for your hubby to swallow if he is not happy here right now, but after the time and money invested to get here it is silly not to try. Maybe agree (if you want to too) to a longer term plan that is fair for both of you.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, these first few months suck no matter what the dream is sold as. Hopefully once you both get work and move house he will start to feel more settled. Xx

Edited August 30, 2016 by M1cha3la

[twopassports]

Two passports - why did you guys decide to move to Australia? Once your partner has a job and you can move somewhere a bit more central are you going to get what you were looking for? You have to accept there are downsides of being here compared to London and start embracing the upsides as soon as possible. The middle of winter in Melbourne isn't the best time to take advantage of the great outdoors...

 

We moved because I always wanted to try being back in my home country and to be closer to my parents, at least for a few years. My husband was more excited about moving than me at one point. There was also the fact that we weren't really getting anywhere with life in London and want to start a family - something that felt more difficult over there. After ten years of running to stand still we felt a change was needed.

 

I'm definitely aware of the upsides- space, more sunshine, family, friends, the fresh air etc., I just think my husband has got himself into an emotional funk and so all he can see at the moment are negatives. He's not a planner or a big picture thinker, which I am, so it can be hard to relate at times. He can't really enjoy anything unless certain basic living requirements are in place, i.e. job and house.

 

Yes the weather isn't great at the moment but I wouldn't call this the middle of winter - it's nearly September after all. Coming later wasn't a choice as his visa required first entry by mid August. Hopefully once the weather picks up it'll cheer him up a bit.

[Quoll]

Tsk! Everybody here knows that jobs are NOT as easy to find these days. Australia could be heading for a recession.

 

Yup but when we say so we are slammed for being negative and unhelpful! The truth hurts sometimes.

 

I do agree about Canberra and job prospects though, not easy there at the moment!

[twopassports]

Thank you, I hope your husband finds work soon.

 

As someone commented before, my husband has migrated once already, so I don't know why he thought it would be a walk in the park. What was he expecting? Still, we are in a much better position than the last time, and I think he should keep that in mind.

[twopassports]

I don't see why anybody has to live somewhere where there is a need to take the car everywhere. My BIL did that a couple of years before we came out. We chose somewhere near supermarkets, restaurants bulk billed doctors etc. We could 'bush walk' a few minutes drive away. It was a boring suburb - Doncaster East but had everything (including a Westfield)

We also stayed in Heidelburg Heights. Cheap living close to the city. Next door to Ivanhoe - a real villagey place at far less cost. Again walk to a couple of malls and 15 minutes train to CBD

I am sure there will be many thinking (or telling us) how crap these places are, but what do you want. Big sprawling identikit house in the middle of nowhere on a soulless new estate?

Hope this doesn't come out sounding like crtiticising, I feel for you and mostly your husband. Non stop work in IT in the UK - I have spent 18 months - and then another time - a year looking for work. You really get treated like sh*t in Aus by companies and agencies alike. The dopey granting of visas to skilled workers, who then have to spend a year learning or training before being able to work must be soul destroying.

 

I went to Brisbane for a month to look for a job and got one where I am now living. Wife and son staying in Melb (for now?)

I have been banging on about trying it out here for a few years. Got fed up waiting and did something about it. I spent a year in Sydney as well, wife wouldn't move there, I loved it - hated Melb winters. I really think Brisbane is the place for me (so far).

 

I've nothing bad to say about Heidelberg or Ivanhoe - I don't know Doncaster East so can't comment. Yes the skilled visa situation does sound a bit misleading. I'm glad you've found a job and a city that floats your boat.

[twopassports]

I can see how it would be very difficult for you and him. Is he the type of person who gives up easily at the sign of a struggle? I am consciouss that some people do and some people don't, that's the way it goes.

 

I would say, I imagine you've spent a huge amount of money moving over. Can you remind him of that and that it would be worth putting in more time than a month! As hard as it seem now, I'm sure with utter perserverence and a touch of luck life could get better. Yes it can be all about jobs.

 

I'm going to be a bit of a D. Advocate here and say your OH sounds a little insensitive and a bit selfish. Can he see the whole picture?

 

Perhaps life in Ozzie is not for you both - perhaps it is - however, a month will not tell you.

 

I think sit down, put all worries on a piece of paper and all the good things on another. Draw up a plan and say right, in a year's time we will relook at whether UK is best for us to return to.

 

In the meantime, we're here, we spent loads of money to get here, we're doing something so many others only dream of - lets make a real go of it. Set a realistic timeframe and both stick to it.

 

Yes I would say in some situations I think he's not mentally tough enough and despairs too easily. A bit if a drama queen at times! It can make him a bit selfish; very sensitive to his own feelings but not enough to mine. That said, I could probably emote more rather than trying to hold it in so much. I just see things that need to be dealt with, so I'd rather get on with it and be all 'feely' later, if it's even necessary by then.

 

Good point about the money spemt getting here; I'll tuck that away for later.

 

A friend had a good suggestion tonight: when the timing is right I should sit down with my husband and ask him where he wants to be in life in 2 years time. That way we can be clear on what we both want and if it's the same things, then discuss the best way to achieve that. He might come to see that some, if not all, of those things would be achievable here. If they aren't I guess we find another solution. I've always understood that despite our very different personalities we've essentially wanted the same things in life, that's why we've lasted this long through tough times. He's just not a very good planner and tends to 'wobble' on decisions more than I do.

[Lambethlad]

He needs to man-up and start thinking of you rather than himself. What gives him the right to make demands and set deadlines? He needs to try a bit harder and give it a lot longer. If he does leave without you that would say all you need to know.

[Kirstyj]

Hi we have been here six months now and we know how you feel, but I have now got a fabby job (we are in Perth) mo oh had to go back to being an apprentice but if we lived in any other state that would not happen, but he has his final exams in 3 weeks so everything crossed, but like everyone else I'd tell your hubby to hang on in there, all the best xx

[flag of convenience]

Thanks for all the replies. It is certainly giving me something to think about.

 

I think regardless of Melbourne or London, we need our own space, so flat-sharing is definitely out. We can afford to rent in an inner suburb like Thornbury/Brunswick/Coburg. Renting a 1-bed flat in a decent area of north London is around the same price as renting a 2-3 bed house here in a similar area.

 

In terms of getting on the property ladder, that felt pretty impossible in London, whereas we might just be able to do it here in a couple of years, depending on how much more the market goes up and what we can save. The starting prices are about the same I guess, but instead of a 1-bed shoebox with no garden in London you might get a 2-bed flat or house with outside space in Melbourne for a comparable area, so I'd feel a lot less resentful paying a mortgage in Australia.

 

Bungo, in terms of upheaval, I guess what my husband was saying is that he doesn't want to move to Brisbane or similar for work only to have to move again in a year's time and have to get to know a new city all over again. It's true we might enjoy Brisbane and want to stay, but I can't guarantee that either. I was born there and spent a lot of my childhood there visiting relatives, so I know it quite well and, whilst I like it in some ways, I don't think it's right for me long term, and I can't see it being bustling enough for him either. He liked Melbourne last time he was here and preferred it to Sydney or Canberra (not hard I guess!); I think it's mainly the situation he's not dealing with at the moment. I guess I'll just have to do what I can to improve the situation as it stands and hopefully, if we get a few things sorted out, he'll be in a calmer frame of mind and able to discuss a more realistic timetable. At one point he said he'd prefer to stay in Melbourne and get some rubbish job for 12 months than move to another state to work in his field (he's in security installation). I'm just getting whiplash from him saying one thing one day, another thing the next. I can't keep up with it and find it emotionally exhausting and hard to concentrate on making plans.

 

The reality as I see it is that moving back to London won't improve a thing for us financially and although he would have better job prospects right at this moment, I'm not sure it would be better long term anyway. We certainly wouldn't be able to save any more money there as we've committed to the idea of no more flat-sharing. If we tried to buy a flat/house there we'd still be pushed further into the suburbs or have to leave London altogether, and the expense of commuting for work is horrendous.

 

Although London looks very likely to decline it will be from a very high medium. With regards to Melbourne or Australia in general prices are way inflated and in bubble territory. Just be conned into thinking prices only go up though. History shows they don't and corrections are painful.

[twopassports]

He needs to man-up and start thinking of you rather than himself. What gives him the right to make demands and set deadlines? He needs to try a bit harder and give it a lot longer. If he does leave without you that would say all you need to know.

 

That's a scary thought but leaving without me would certainly say a lot.

[Bristol Chris]

I hope my coments didn't seem rude. You know your hubby and everyone has good and not so good parts of their personalities. No one is perfect.

 

Yes, the whole two year what would we like to see. Not just 'I'd want to be living in X' but more I would like to be doign a job here and having this sort of lifestyle. At the moment your hubby might not be able to see anything but 'move back move back' tho, so be prepared for that.

 

Everyone on here I'm sure wishes you all the best and hoping it's just a small (but feels bigg) bump in the road. Hope your ok.

[twopassports]

I hope my coments didn't seem rude. You know your hubby and everyone has good and not so good parts of their personalities. No one is perfect.

 

Yes, the whole two year what would we like to see. Not just 'I'd want to be living in X' but more I would like to be doign a job here and having this sort of lifestyle. At the moment your hubby might not be able to see anything but 'move back move back' tho, so be prepared for that.

 

Everyone on here I'm sure wishes you all the best and hoping it's just a small (but feels bigg) bump in the road. Hope your ok.

 

No your comments weren't rude at all, just accurate. Many thanks for all the concern and advice; it is much appreciated and has helped me through a rather trying day.

[Bobj]

thanks Bobj. I know he's stressed out but I often wish he'd grow up just a little bit!

 

I am "old school" and think it is totally wrong for a man to treat his lady in the way you have been treated.

 

In NSW 1981 there was no local work and I had to get work 4,000 km away from my wife and infant son. That was for 2 years to WA and Qld. So I do understand the situation more than most.

 

Hope you win through, young lady.

 

Cheers, Bobj.

[twopassports]

I am "old school" and think it is totally wrong for a man to treat his lady in the way you have been treated.

 

In NSW 1981 there was no local work and I had to get work 4,000 km away from my wife and infant son. That was for 2 years to WA and Qld. So I do understand the situation more than most.

 

Hope you win through, young lady.

 

Cheers, Bobj.

 

Thanks Bob, I like your "old school". Good on you for doing what needed to be done for yourself and your family.

[The Smith Clan]

Just wanted some advice or perhaps a perspective I hadn't considered.

 

My husband and I recently left London and have been staying with a friend in Melbourne whilst we look for work and housing. We've been in the country for just under a month in total, having spent the first week visiting my mother and sister in another state - not long enough for me, but my husband was getting itchy feet so we cut our visit short by one week. I was disappointed as I hadn't seen my mother for about 4 years, but also keen to get our lives in Melbourne sorted out, and my husband reassured me with 'you'll have plenty of time to spend with her once we get settled', which I accepted.

 

The crux of the situation is this:

 

He says things are not going well here and if it doesn't improve over the next 3-4 months he will leave, with or without me. He is miserable because the job hunt has been harder than expected and we are currently in the suburbs (he is a real urban dweller, grew to absolutely love London and HATES having to use the car just to get to the supermarket etc.) It was always the intention to move close in to the city, so the suburban situation is temporary, but he can't seem to see that rationally and instead feels the whole place is a real let-down. We also discovered that, due to Victorian regulations, he is unable to get a licence to work in his field until he has lived in Australia for 12 months and has the appropriate references. It's a shame, as he would be able to get the licence/registration in NSW of QLD, and I would be willing to move interstate for a year in order for him to work properly, but he is reluctant for more upheaval, only to have to move again in another year. He is currently on a 5 day course in a related field, after which he should be able to get a licence, and which I hope will allow him to get decent work related to his skills, so I feel optimistic about that. Meanwhile, although he is making all the right "moves" in terms of looking for work etc, every day there is another negative comment about this country, and the comments started pretty much as soon as we landed.

 

We have been married for over 10 years (no kids, but were planning to try in the next year or 2). I am Australian but was living in London since 2002. I met him (Moroccan but now with UK citizenship) in 2005 and we married less than a year later. We've had a pretty happy marriage, although the early years when he moved to the UK were tough on both of us - he worked minimum wage jobs and I stayed in a job I hated in order to support us. We were both pretty miserable but we got through it and still love each other, so I've been confident we could face any challenges that came our way with our marriage intact. My husband later retrained (I supported him through it) and for the past 4 years or so has had a satisfying career. Meanwhile, I only managed to leave behind the job I hated (after working there 11 years!!) just before we moved to Oz and have never had the chance to built myself a "career" as such - something that really bothers me now. When we met I was upfront about my desire to return to Australia to live and he was OK with that. Of course that was over 10 years ago and I know that people/priorities change. I have been dreaming of moving back to Oz ever since, and because of that I found it very hard to feel truly settled in London, although it's a city I love very much. However, we also want children and I can see that working much better in Oz, where we at least have the possibility of affording to rent/buy a larger property and to have family near-ish. We were flat-sharing in London the whole time we were there and so have never had a proper home of our own.

 

I asked my husband what factors needed to be in place for him to feel that the move was "working", and unsurprisingly it seems the most important is to have a decent job and a house in a more lively area. I'm just not convinced that even with those things in place he won't find another excuse not to like the place - he operates on "feeling" a lot, whereas I am a rationalist. I'm also really mortified and hurt that he would even consider leaving without me. He feels he suffered enough in the early years of living in London and doesn't want to do that again, although I don't see the situation as identical - this time around we have savings, friends, family, and he has real job skills and fluent English.

 

I just don't know what to think. I always promised him if he didn't like it here we didn't have to stay, but I thought at least we'd give it a couple of years before throwing in the towel - it's only been 1 month! I might be open to the idea of moving away again, but not until I've had a chance to make a go of it here. I thought we were going to find a home and have a family - I'm now wondering if I'm going to end up alone at 35 with nothing!

 

Any suggestions/illuminations?

 

Its very early days and im guessing most people go through the motions once they arrive. Is it just the area he does not like or has he had any negative experiences? You have been very supportive and whilst things are not moving as quickly as he would like, even 6 months, I would say, is not long enough. You appear to have put your own desires aside already to enable him to progress his career and be happy and it is a case of supporting each other. I really hope work comes in and all goes well.