Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 First a disclaimer, I am not qualified to comment as I have no family...... however I will not let that stop me. You talk to your sister, she gives you a hard time and makes you feel bad..... solution: stop communicating with your sister. You are accepting her making you feel bad and you can do that if you want to, alternatively you could choose to tell her your communications are inappropriate and distressing for you so, until she chooses to show you more respect and consideration, you will not be commnicatng with her. The fact is people die. We could go live next door to someone, go out for the day, come back and find out they have died. We can choose to live as hostages under the tyranny of what might happen, or we can live in a balanced way accepting the reality of life events and understand we can not control everything. While statistically it is likely your parents will die before you, there is no rule that dictates it will be that way. Very good points you raise there. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Hi George,I was the other way around to you.I left Australia to return to the UK,and boy did I pay for it big time,especially with my twin sister.Firstly last year,I took a 3mth career break back to Adelaide to spend time with my Mum and do my bit.My Mum was in reasonable health,but unfortunately she died suddenly whilst I was there (2 mths in,so the last month I was there,was spent sorting out the funeral,Mums house etc).Is this possible for you to do?A career break? I totally understand the torture you're going through and tbh?I think you should tell your sister in no uncertain terms to quit giving you the guilt trip.Tell her you feel bad enough being away from your parents without her continually rubbing salt into the wound! My twin sister was a living nightmare when Mum was alive.Apart from controlling the communication (over the years since Ive been in the UK,she has stopped skyping me,hardly ever emails me,or rings me,and the only communication we have now is via FB!),my sister would send me a text.Usually I would be at work (and she'd know this?)The text from her would say something like "Mum's going on a steep decline,Im really worried about her"I'd text back during work to ask her what was wrong,she'd then text back with "I'll tell you in a few days"!So because of the time difference,and me being at work,I'd be worried sick about my Mum.Unfortunately Mums hearing wasn't the best so ringing her was not an option.It would sometimes be days before my twin would discuss what was wrong and it was usually a crock of crap tbh?I have two brothers and another sister but they didn't live close to my Mum,whereas my twin did.She ended up so bitter and twisted because she "seemed"to be doing everything for Mum.Everything meant taking Mum shopping once a week which took an hour at most! I really do feel for you hon,been there,and done it but its your life.Take the control back,be strong,and stand your ground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Hi George,I was the other way around to you.I left Australia to return to the UK,and boy did I pay for it big time,especially with my twin sister.Firstly last year,I took a 3mth career break back to Adelaide to spend time with my Mum and do my bit.My Mum was in reasonable health,but unfortunately she died suddenly whilst I was there (2 mths in,so the last month I was there,was spent sorting out the funeral,Mums house etc).Is this possible for you to do?A career break?I totally understand the torture you're going through and tbh?I think you should tell your sister in no uncertain terms to quit giving you the guilt trip.Tell her you feel bad enough being away from your parents without her continually rubbing salt into the wound! My twin sister was a living nightmare when Mum was alive.Apart from controlling the communication (over the years since Ive been in the UK,she has stopped skyping me,hardly ever emails me,or rings me,and the only communication we have now is via FB!),my sister would send me a text.Usually I would be at work (and she'd know this?)The text from her would say something like "Mum's going on a steep decline,Im really worried about her"I'd text back during work to ask her what was wrong,she'd then text back with "I'll tell you in a few days"!So because of the time difference,and me being at work,I'd be worried sick about my Mum.Unfortunately Mums hearing wasn't the best so ringing her was not an option.It would sometimes be days before my twin would discuss what was wrong and it was usually a crock of crap tbh?I have two brothers and another sister but they didn't live close to my Mum,whereas my twin did.She ended up so bitter and twisted because she "seemed"to be doing everything for Mum.Everything meant taking Mum shopping once a week which took an hour at most! I really do feel for you hon,been there,and done it but its your life.Take the control back,be strong,and stand your ground. Good to hear from someone in a similar situation. I could take a career break but what for? There's no health problems I need to worry about right now. Obviously if something happens I would go back for however long I need to. The thing is it's not just my sister giving me a hard time. My mum and dad are demanding I go back to UK for my wedding even though I said I would pay for flights over here. I do need to stand my ground. It is probably one of my flaws! In the past my family have usually got their way on things but on something this big I can't let them emotionally push me around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Why should they come and visit you ? You're the one's who left. Parley,:err: just try to read exactly what my post says:arghh:. I am not telling them to visit nor is there any expectation on my behalf for them to do so, unless they really want to, which, by the way, is quite a popular saying with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Unfortunately we are already all falling out over it. I don't think there is really a solution other than don't let it get to me but unfortunately being an emotional female I do... :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 The fact is people die. We could go live next door to someone, go out for the day, come back and find out they have died. We can choose to live as hostages under the tyranny of what might happen, or we can live in a balanced way accepting the reality of life events and understand we can not control everything. While statistically it is likely your parents will die before you, there is no rule that dictates it will be that way. I agree with Country vic on this. To quote the OP: she will be the one who guilt trips me about how I made my parents lives miserable by being away and that I wasn't there for them in their older years. Who's to say that your sister will be around for them in their older years? Adult children dying before their very aged parents is not so rare (as I, as an ageing baby boomer, am constantly witnessing. :rolleyes:) Emotional guilt trips such as hers are a form of bullying. Just be conscious of this: you can choose to let yourself be bullied...or not. In my experience those who practise it are very unhappy with their own lives and often jealous of those they attempt to bully. You don't have to fall victim to it. Families these days live apart for all sort of reasons...it's a reality of this modern world and it's often not by choice. Fortunately, however, it is still possible to maintain some personal contact with ageing parents. Until relatively recently that was impossible for most migrants to this and other countries. For them, once they left their homeland, it was goodbye forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I agree with Country vic on this. Emotional guilt trips such as hers are a form of bullying. Just be conscious of this: you can choose to let yourself be bullied...or not. In my experience those who practise it are very unhappy with their own lives and often jealous of those they attempt to bully. You don't have to fall victim to it. You are right she doesn't have a very happy marriage and regrets having kids so she's not exactly the happiest person on earth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Well for me,I took a career break to spend quality time with my Mum.She had age related type health issues (nothing that serious),and tbh I was so glad I had the 2 mths out of the 3 mths with her.So that was my way of thinking hon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Well for me,I took a career break to spend quality time with my Mum.She had age related type health issues (nothing that serious),and tbh I was so glad I had the 2 mths out of the 3 mths with her.So that was my way of thinking hon. I could potentially down the line but I can't take leave without pay for another year and 5 months. Plus I think the fam would use it as an opportunity to try and brainwash me into never going back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I'm on a see-saw here a bit! When my parents were in their 60s, 70s and 80s they always said "don't bother to come back for our funerals" (I say that to my kids now too) but as an only child of course I would have gone. They chose to visit us because they were retired and able to but I never expected them to - I do tend to think that as I was the one that left I was the one responsible for visiting them and I see no reason why one would expect anyone to trek to the other side of the world to see them if they made the decision to leave in the first place. That aside, as I said, I am an only child and we made the decision to move back to UK to support my parents as they hurtled towards 90 and the wheels began to fall off - it was our choice, they never asked or expected but accepted it gratefully (well, dad did, my demented mum has been angry that we have taken over but the stress of caring for her would have killed dad I am sure) so that puts me in your sister's position and it's a bugger of a place to find yourself in! I would kill for a sibling to share the load (it is wearing me down!) and if that sibling were swanning it up on the other side of the world then I guess I might be pretty resentful too if they dumped it all on me. I know, we could fight over it, not agree etc etc but sharing that emotional load and taking turns would be heaven! However, no one ever guilted me (except my daughter in law who thought we should return to Aus for the granddaughters!) and the decisions we have made have been ours alone and made with an eye to the best information of the moment - what you think today may not be what you think tomorrow and you will make whatever decision you make, work for you! If your parents are like mine you have another 20 years before you start worrying! In in the meantime perhaps reflect back to your sister that you understand her concerns that it is all being heaped upon her but that by playing the guilt card on you all she is doing is making you move emotionally further away and be even less involved. If you feel you can't say that to her face then write her a letter. But do, also, have a bit of sympathy for where she is at - shackled by responsibilities she always expected to be sharing. Good luck, hopefully it's not something you're going to have to deal with for a long time yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix16 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 This is the dilemma we all face as emigrants. We don't have 1000,s sitting around in the bank account to fly back to the Uk at the drop of a hat and this does worry us at times. Luckily both sets of our parents are healthy right now and they do enjoy their long 'sojourns' in Australia with us, very much an all inclusive and full maid service for them when they come here ha ha!! But being honest, we're not close to our families, we really weren't in the uk and here in OZ family is us 3 and we love our life. We recently had a horrific 3 months with my husbands health, he was pretty unwell, we went from cancer test to cancer test and had to have some very confronting conversations, the last thing we would ever have wanted was family flying out and all the added stress that that entails, we have got through it, he is on the mend but we were clear it was something we would face together, just the 3 of us xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I'm on a see-saw here a bit! When my parents were in their 60s, 70s and 80s they always said "don't bother to come back for our funerals" (I say that to my kids now too) but as an only child of course I would have gone. They chose to visit us because they were retired and able to but I never expected them to - I do tend to think that as I was the one that left I was the one responsible for visiting them and I see no reason why one would expect anyone to trek to the other side of the world to see them if they made the decision to leave in the first place. That aside, as I said, I am an only child and we made the decision to move back to UK to support my parents as they hurtled towards 90 and the wheels began to fall off - it was our choice, they never asked or expected but accepted it gratefully (well, dad did, my demented mum has been angry that we have taken over but the stress of caring for her would have killed dad I am sure) so that puts me in your sister's position and it's a bugger of a place to find yourself in! I would kill for a sibling to share the load (it is wearing me down!) and if that sibling were swanning it up on the other side of the world then I guess I might be pretty resentful too if they dumped it all on me. I know, we could fight over it, not agree etc etc but sharing that emotional load and taking turns would be heaven! However, no one ever guilted me (except my daughter in law who thought we should return to Aus for the granddaughters!) and the decisions we have made have been ours alone and made with an eye to the best information of the moment - what you think today may not be what you think tomorrow and you will make whatever decision you make, work for you! If your parents are like mine you have another 20 years before you start worrying! In in the meantime perhaps reflect back to your sister that you understand her concerns that it is all being heaped upon her but that by playing the guilt card on you all she is doing is making you move emotionally further away and be even less involved. If you feel you can't say that to her face then write her a letter. But do, also, have a bit of sympathy for where she is at - shackled by responsibilities she always expected to be sharing. Good luck, hopefully it's not something you're going to have to deal with for a long time yet. Thanks for your reply. I do have another brother and sister nearby in UK that will support her. She's not entirely on her own with my parents. I will try and do what I can. If any long term issues arise I will do my best to visit regularly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 This is the dilemma we all face as emigrants. We don't have 1000,s sitting around in the bank account to fly back to the Uk at the drop of a hat and this does worry us at times. Luckily both sets of our parents are healthy right now and they do enjoy their long 'sojourns' in Australia with us, very much an all inclusive and full maid service for them when they come here ha ha!! But being honest, we're not close to our families, we really weren't in the uk and here in OZ family is us 3 and we love our life. We recently had a horrific 3 months with my husbands health, he was pretty unwell, we went from cancer test to cancer test and had to have some very confronting conversations, the last thing we would ever have wanted was family flying out and all the added stress that that entails, we have got through it, he is on the mend but we were clear it was something we would face together, just the 3 of us xxxx Sorry to hear of OHs health probs :hug: glad he is now on the mend xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix16 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Sorry to hear of OHs health probs :hug: glad he is now on the mend xx Thank you Fifi!! Hats off to Aussie health system, they left no stone unturned, turns out he has mature antibodies for Bramah River Virus and Ross River virus too! So at some point he's had both viruses and We think it was a throwback from this!! We do have a massive mozzie infested lake behind the house ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 The guilt will trip you whatever, wether you live close by or not. Ive done the mercy dash back to the UK ....got a call in the morning to say, my ever so healthy dad had months to live due to the dreaded C, caught a flight out that night, he lasted one week, I was with him more or less 24/7 in the hospice. I keep thinking about my mum and how I should deal with her older years, but I'm also a wife and mum to my family here in Aus :confused: im a only child and have a close bond with my mum...but have a working and family life in Aus. Do you move back to look after your parents? This could mean months/years, going back and forth from Aus. What about your job? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Thank you Fifi!! Hats off to Aussie health system, they left no stone unturned, turns out he has mature antibodies for Bramah River Virus and Ross River virus too! So at some point he's had both viruses and We think it was a throwback from this!! We do have a massive mozzie infested lake behind the house ..... Oh crap!! That's not good. I've only known one person get Ross river. He wasnt able to work for a year, lost his business, family had to downsize and start over again. Not good and I'm ashamed to say after being here a few years I take v little mozzie protection Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix16 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I think the biggest success we have as parents is bringing up our children well and seeing them go forth and have successful and wonderful lives, I was only ever lucky enough to have the one and the joy I look forward is seeing her grab life with both hands and living the best life she can, that's my job done and I will live happily ever after, I certainly would never want her to spend her best years looking after me, I'll be very happy in a care home home being well looked after!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix16 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Oh crap!! That's not good. I've only known one person get Ross river. He wasnt able to work for a year, lost his business, family had to downsize and start over again. Not good and I'm ashamed to say after being here a few years I take v little mozzie protection He's good!! His antibodies are mature, he worked through the worst of it while I just dismissed it as man flu ha ha!! He's doing great but looking forward to a long summer break with lots of camping tips, that's better for him than any medicine!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 When a parent dies and you are not nearby it is a terrible thing. You just feel helpless and want to rush over immediately to be with the surviving parent. Least that is what I felt. You can always get a flight but they sure charge like wounded bulls, knowing you will have to pay. The worst for me was the flight over worrying how my Dad would cope - I knew he would have difficulty and he did even though I was there within 36 hours. It is one of those things you don't really think of when, as a young person, you emigrate. Just life I guess but one of the hardest things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Just putting this out there because it is an issue I am eventually going to have to deal with..... My parents are getting older now (in 70s) and thankfully they are both currently healthy. I am loving life here in Aus but I know the time will come where I have to go back to UK for some emergency to do with my parents health and eventually a funeral. My sister brought it up when I last spoke to her. She is not happy with me being here and will never accept I am happy and that I choose to be away from my family. I know that when the worst eventually happens she will be the one who guilt trips me about how I made my parents lives miserable by being away and that I wasn't there for them in their older years. I am wondering if anyone else has had a situation where a parent dies and when going back for the funeral they have been made to feel terrible about being away from their family and guilt tripped like crazy...? George ,maybe can throw a bit of light on it from the other side of the pond . This happens in almost every family ,one way or another . I meet new people every day ,and it always comes up in conversation . In families ,some go and some go far away ,and someone always stays and holds the fort . Iam the youngest and iam holding the fort . Is it was no ,its like living with one arm tied behind your back . But I have found a coping mechanism . My one sibling in oz ,I have totally cut out of my life . I told him the last time he was in the u.k what I thought .....job done ,see you later . I stay in touch with the "givers " in the family in oz . On the up side ...its given my kids a great chance to see the world from the u.k I have a beautiful wife ,who is a solid character ,thank god Because she carries the burden that others should be carrying . One day soon ,I walk away ,box ticked ,no regrets . We have had a few tough times here ,not of our own making ,but the light is beginning to shine brightly ...iam doing the right thing .....probably the way it was meant to be . We have a few oldies on our books now ,here in the u.k .....and all they are left with is their thoughts ....i just don't want mine to be regretful HAPPY DAYS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Thanks for your reply. I do have another brother and sister nearby in UK that will support her. She's not entirely on her own with my parents. I will try and do what I can. If any long term issues arise I will do my best to visit regularly. Ah well in that case she isn't going to be bearing the brunt alone - tell her to back off or risk losing you altogether! Different scenario entirely! You may not appreciate it at the moment but you are so lucky to have siblings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Thank you Fifi!! Hats off to Aussie health system, they left no stone unturned, turns out he has mature antibodies for Bramah River Virus and Ross River virus too! So at some point he's had both viruses and We think it was a throwback from this!! We do have a massive mozzie infested lake behind the house ..... Golly, RRF scares me because I am the original mozzie magnet - good to hear it's been diagnosed and sorted though. Very scary! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I hope that my parents see it like this but I am informed by my sister that my dad was crying on the phone to her the other day about how devastated he is that the family is apart. I am not sure if it is true however - it may just be another manipulation strategy by her. It does upset me to think that my dad feels this way and could quite possibly die feeling like this but I cannot leave my life here just to make family happy. Can you call your dad and ask him point blank if he wants you to come back? I think one of the biggest reasons these things cause angst is the British stiff upper lip - if your parents were honest with you about how they feel, and you shared your fears with them, it would all be out in the open and you would know where you stood. But because you're tiptoeing round it with each other, that gives your sister the opportunity to manipulate both of you. There comes a point where you have to be brave enough to mention the elephant in the room IMO, even if it causes a bit of emotional upset. edit: going back and reading some of the other posts, it does sound as though your parents are putting the guilt trip on you too? If so, do you think it's really them, or do you think your sister could be goading them? I think that's another reason to ask them directly about it. BTW you can tell them you can't come back for the wedding, because it's complicated if you're not legally resident in the UK - it may have changed, but when we looked into it, we'd have had to come to the UK months before the wedding and we couldn't afford that much time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I could potentially down the line but I can't take leave without pay for another year and 5 months. Plus I think the fam would use it as an opportunity to try and brainwash me into never going back. Yes I agree with you there.When I decided to head back for the career break,we (Myself,twin sis and Mum)discussed where I would stay.It was agreed that I would spend 4 days at Mums,4 days at my twins,and alternate.It worked out quite well......until......my twin realised that I wasn't going to stay permanently.I had never mentioned about staying permanently but in her own mind,she thought she'd be able to persuade me!We had a talk,I told her my plans (calmly)about returning to the UK when the 3 mths were up.She then went on a 6 hr yelling/nagging session.I've never felt so uncomfortable in my whole life.I was mindful that I was staying at her place.I asked (for some respite from her behaviour)to take me back to Mums.She refused.I asked if I could use her phone for a taxi?She refused.The following day she went to work for a couple of hours.When she returned home,it was obvious she had a bee in her bonnet.Off she went again,this time for 4 hrs.Absolutely awful behaviour.I had remained calm up to that point but by the end of the 4 hrs,I raised my voice and said my piece.I then was told to pack my bags,and that she was taking me back to Mums until further notice!It actually ruined the trip. So on reflection hon,perhaps in hindsight a career break wouldn't be such a good idea afterall and I can see why you're reluctant to do that.A year later?It still makes me feel sad that my twin couldn't accept my choice and respect it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 My father died many years ago before I came to Australia. My Mum encouraged me to come to Australia and wished me well - she was in very good health until she had a stroke in her mid-80's. I flew back to Scotland as soon as I heard about it. She had the stroke on the Thursday and I arrived at the hospital on the Sunday. I stayed with her 24 hours a day with my sister until she died the following Thursday. She knew I was there and tried to talk to me. It's very difficult living so far away. At least you were with her at the end. The trouble with living in Australia is that it takes so long to get back - by the time you add on travel at each end of the flight, it can easily be 30 hours or more, and a lot can happen in that time. I hopped on the first plane available when my Dad took ill but still didn't make it in time. It's a horrible feeling sitting on that plane, wondering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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