CaptainR Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I'm surprised at how many posts of people moving from Oz back to the UK (and occasionally ones the other way round) talk about one of the parents who is unhappy and decides to push the whole family back regardless of the feelings of their partner and the children. Often, it seems to be the wife who her misses her 'family' but fails to take car of her immediate families best interests. I couldn't imagine doing something that would upset my children so much, and I make all the sacrifices in my life for the better of my wife and children, including doing that extra few weeks away when I have to (even however much I don't want to). Is it selfish to force you're family to do something they don't want to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elmo01 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 It all depends on circumstances, if its going to be a better life then yes it may be selfish but for good reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I'm surprised at how many posts of people moving from Oz back to the UK (and occasionally ones the other way round) talk about one of the parents who is unhappy and decides to push the whole family back regardless of the feelings of their partner and the children. Often, it seems to be the wife who her misses her 'family' but fails to take car of her immediate families best interests. I think it's hard to judge from the outside. If the whole family moves because Mum (or Dad) is miserable, then maybe the family as a whole puts the welfare and happiness of one member ahead of mere preferences about where to live. Australia is not the promised land after all - if kids don't want to move back, it's usually just because they don't want to leave their school friends, not because of a deep and abiding love for the country or a belief that they'll have a "better future" here. I can think of one instance here where one member of the family seems to have "pushed" the family back to the UK. More usually, if one member wants to go and the rest have a strong desire to stay, either (a) the marriage breaks up or (b) the unhappy member sacrifices his/her happiness for the sake of the family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elmo01 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 @Marisawright I know a couple who went and only one of them wanted to go and neither of them looked back (years later). Which is similar for us as I want to go and my partner is going for me, if she likes it we will stay and if not we'll come back. Have to experience these things for yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 We made the decision to move to Oz as a family, we also set ourselves a target of getting citizenship and then would reassess as a family what the next step is to be. The kids are settled in school now and have made friends, which will make any future decisions harder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 kids adjust easily and it is just a big adventure, don't worry to much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miley123 Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 I'm surprised at how many posts of people moving from Oz back to the UK (and occasionally ones the other way round) talk about one of the parents who is unhappy and decides to push the whole family back regardless of the feelings of their partner and the children. Often, it seems to be the wife who her misses her 'family' but fails to take car of her immediate families best interests. I couldn't imagine doing something that would upset my children so much, and I make all the sacrifices in my life for the better of my wife and children, including doing that extra few weeks away when I have to (even however much I don't want to). Is it selfish to force you're family to do something they don't want to do? This is a very generalised statement, no one knows the dynamics of each individual family. I am one such wife who wants to return but have taken years to make this decision due to the obvious effect it will have on my family as a whole, and it wasn't an easy decision to make because of this fact and I am eaten with guilty and worry that everyone will be happy when we move back home in a few weeks BUT on the other hand my children are very much looking forward to going home, my youngest has been counting sleeps for the last 6 months till our flights. We have been back often so they know what they are expecting and have lots of friends and family close to where we are heading. I have ensured that the schools they are going to are good so that their education, I feel, will be enhanced as even though we pay for private here at the moment I am not that impressed. We live in Perth and I just don't feel there is the variety or choices here that will keep my children in Perth for the rest of their lives anyway so why not give them an adventure we can share together. My husband though he prefers the easy life which would mean staying here, can also see benefits to a moving back, to be fair he wouldn't have moved here in the first place and that move worked out fine. So do I feel guilty about being selfish, yes but I also honestly feel as a family for us we will have a more varied and fulfilled life in England and I want to share as many experiences as possible with my children before they go their own separate ways and if that means moving back then so be it, at least they can say when they look back that their childhood was full of experiences and opportunities others may not have had. They still have their citizenship at the end of the day if they want to return. We are a close knit family of four and will continue to be, moving home will not change that, if everyone but me is drastically unhappy back in England then I would of course make the decision to return to Australia for their happiness but at least we tried which is better than never knowing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 @Marisawright I know a couple who went and only one of them wanted to go and neither of them looked back (years later). Which is similar for us as I want to go and my partner is going for me, if she likes it we will stay and if not we'll come back. Have to experience these things for yourself That sounds fine in theory but what happens if you really, really love it? If she doesn't like it, will you still move back to the UK without a backward glance? If so, that's great - go for it, provided you've added up all the costs and are happy you can afford to treat it as a short-term adventure. If you've nagged her into it and are secretly thinking, "she's bound to love it, it's in the bag", then you need to make sure you're not underestimating her objections, or you are storing up trouble for yourself in the future. You only have to look at the MBBTUK forum to see women who were devoted to their husbands, moved "for him" and are now heading back to the UK alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Life is full of selfishness and if you're going to move lock stock and barrel to the other side of the world you have to have it in spades. However I think in a marriage the dynamics should involve compromise where there is conflict. I think it is all too easy to blame the poor little wife for being unhappy because she's missing her family (I know it's not always the wife but generally so) and there's sort of a pejorative "oh diddums, can't hack it being away from the apron strings" usually associated with that. I think it's a much more complicated process than that - exogenous depression is very real and not always very rational. Some people's mental health just goes down the pan when they're in a place they can't abide. In a marriage, then, which is the more important - a partner's mental (and possibly physical) health or a bit of sunshine? I've been the one consigned to purgatory and even for the strongest and most rational of us it's hell! I did feel an incredible amount of resentment when my DH said he wouldn't countenance living in UK ever again but we thrashed out a compromise which, whilst not perfect, kept the edge off my despair and I adjusted to living the least worst option. Had the situation not changed to rescue me from that, I'm not sure that I would have survived but he's my soul mate and I would have sacrificed myself but I'm not sure that I'd have been around for too much longer (50kg heavier than I am now and dreadfully unfit!). My DH has since apologised that he put me through it and he is as happy as a pig in muck here now in UK - he says he knows he was incredibly selfish. If he were as depressed here as I was there I would go back in a heartbeat - at the moment I am strong and can cope. In in a nutshell - if one of you is sick because of where you are, they're not doing it for fun, it's not because they're weak or dependent on someone else, they're just in the wrong place for them. If you're the stronger one then you do what's necessary to make them better. The kids are going to be fine wherever they are. Most kids are anxious about moving away from what they know in either direction but one first world country is as good as any other - what they do need is two happy, balanced parents, not one who is living in despair (that's crap modelling for a growing child). My heart goes out to anyone who is in the wrong place! Having been through it I would never force my DH to be in a place that made him sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 @Marisawright I know a couple who went and only one of them wanted to go and neither of them looked back (years later). Which is similar for us as I want to go and my partner is going for me, if she likes it we will stay and if not we'll come back. Have to experience these things for yourself Apparently, my mother reports that on our wedding day my DH told her that if I didn't like the other side of the world he would bring me back. He denies it vehemently (she's the one with dementia LOL) but I suspect he probably did tell her that. He certainly changed his mind over the years so I hope you don't change the goal posts on your partner! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 @Marisawright I know a couple who went and only one of them wanted to go and neither of them looked back (years later). Which is similar for us as I want to go and my partner is going for me, if she likes it we will stay and if not we'll come back. Have to experience these things for yourself Oh yikes. The outcome for the couple you know is unusual when one wants to go and one that does not. I am afraid that more usually this is a recipe for disaster and leads to the worst. It is ok for one partner to be a little more up for migration than the other, but both do need to want to do it. I have seen god knows how many times when someone says they will come back if the other doesn't like it, but then refuses when there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Oh yikes. The outcome for the couple you know is unusual when one wants to go and one that does not. I am afraid that more usually this is a recipe for disaster and leads to the worst. It is ok for one partner to be a little more up for migration than the other, but both do need to want to do it. I have seen god knows how many times when someone says they will come back if the other doesn't like it, but then refuses when there. I just noticed on another thread that elmo01 and his partner are coming on a WHV so it's hardly an issue - I will stop worrying now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elmo01 Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 I just noticed on another thread that elmo01 and his partner are coming on a WHV so it's hardly an issue - I will stop worrying now! Not sure what you mean? But to the other post above yea I understand what your saying and would agree with that, just a risk you have to take I suppose and it just happened to work out for them (thankfully). Hope it does for us to but as with everything in life nothing is guaranteed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Not sure what you mean? What I mean is that you're not emigrating, you're just coming on a working holiday. If your partner discovers she hates it, she hasn't lost much (apart from giving up her job in the UK) and going home is as easy as buying a plane ticket. We were worried because we assumed that you were emigrating - which for most people means selling their house, car and all their belongings in the UK, and shelling out for visa fees, air fares and setting up their home again in Australia. It's very easy to be $50,000 out of pocket by the time that's all done, so if one partner hates it, that's a lot of money to throw away! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Not sure what you mean? But to the other post above yea I understand what your saying and would agree with that, just a risk you have to take I suppose and it just happened to work out for them (thankfully). Hope it does for us to but as with everything in life nothing is guaranteed. I think she means that you're only going on a long holiday, not moving forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elmo01 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Ah right that makes more sense. Were only renting so no selling for us even if it is permanent. For us its a matter of if my partner likes it then we will be emigrating. But there's no point in being 100% about it until we know if we like it first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Ah right that makes more sense. Were only renting so no selling for us even if it is permanent. For us its a matter of if my partner likes it then we will be emigrating. But there's no point in being 100% about it until we know if we like it first. So have you done your research on whether you'll be eligible for migration? It's not just a case of deciding you'd like to, you need to have the right qualifications AND experience. Also bear in mind that when you apply for your WHV you have to sign a declaration to say you don't intend to stay in Australia after it expires. Lots of people do, of course, but you need to be sure not to let the cat out of the bag to anyone in Immigration! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elmo01 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Not yet but I'll look into it more and see if we would qualify etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Also bear in mind that when you apply for your WHV you have to sign a declaration to say you don't intend to stay in Australia after it expires. Lots of people do, of course, but you need to be sure not to let the cat out of the bag to anyone in Immigration! do you? Is this something new? Because my daughter certainly didn't 3 1/2 years ago, and she then got a 457 visa here and is now waiting for PR from partner visa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 do you? Is this something new? Because my daughter certainly didn't 3 1/2 years ago, and she then got a 457 visa here and is now waiting for PR from partner visa. Imagine it's more to do with illegally stating or legally staying as your daughter has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 do you? Is this something new? Because my daughter certainly didn't 3 1/2 years ago, and she then got a 457 visa here and is now waiting for PR from partner visa. It doesn't mean you can't stay, just that you're not supposed to arrive on Day 1 with a scheme to stay forever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 It doesn't mean you can't stay, just that you're not supposed to arrive on Day 1 with a scheme to stay forever! I was questioning that you sign a declaration that don't intend to stay when you apply for a WHV? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I was questioning that you sign a declaration that don't intend to stay when you apply for a WHV? When my niece did it there was a box to tick saying you had no intention to stay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 We made the decision to move to Oz as a family, we also set ourselves a target of getting citizenship and then would reassess as a family what the next step is to be. The kids are settled in school now and have made friends, which will make any future decisions harder. All well and good, but what if some tragedy happened to family in the UK, and you were desperately needed. You can't plan for everything, and sometimes you can't make everyone happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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