shak Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Iv been here roughly 5 weeks now and the first month was exciting and fun.but for past week I cannot stop thinkin about home,I miss my house and everybody so much!I dont have any friends or family here which makes it alot harder,I can now see my little girl struggling too,I know shes started to miss everyone too.this is so hard,I keep thinkin the next day I'll feel better but instead I just feel worse...does this get any better?or do I just have to prepare myself for worse days to come?...breaks my heart to see my daughter so upset when talking to her grandparents on skype Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 It's odd, but I was just looking in my diary for 1978 to see what i was doing during my first few weeks in Sydney, and on 15 December, I went into the city to ring my Dad and tell him I was coming home (after six weeks in OZ.) Strangely, part of my homesickness was for Perth (WA) because I had stayed there for the first four weeks, and made a few friends at the hostel. Anyway, my Dad talked me out of going home, told me not to worry about the job I'd left, but not resigned from yet, and he sent me some more money. I don't know why he talked me out of coming home. I wish I could ask him, but it's too late now. Looking back now, I don't know why I did it (i.e. came to Australia?) Why give up a comfortable life with my parents and brothers, and my nice job for a leap into the unknown? My brothers joined me the following year, and one of them has seen his son 'emigrate' to England at the same age as he was when he came to OZ. Now, I'm 'just' here. I don't think about homesickness because Sydney is 'home!' I Googled 'Coping with homesickness as an ex-pat' and found one article which I will hopefully paste into my reply for you to read. IN ASSOCIATION WITH [h=1]Feeling homesick? Try these tricks[/h] By Karina Martinez-Carter Business Trip Careers Expats Health Networking Workplace Share this page Share this with Digg Facebook Google LinkedIn Reddit StumbleUpon Twitter Read more about these links. A look at how to combat homesickness (Thinkstock). Mark Callaghan jumped at the opportunity to relocate to Idaho in the US from Bristol, UK for his job at a multinational technology company. Homesickness hit him before too long. He missed family, friends and food from home — especially food. “I craved Sunday lunch swimming with gravy,” he said.“Cottage pie, sausage, pork pies and just about anything with gravy.” [h=3]Related[/h] [h=5]Drinking etiquette when abroad[/h] [h=5]Returning expat discontent[/h] [h=5]Expat struggles in the office[/h] [h=5]An expat’s home away from home[/h] [h=5]Four expats' cultural surprises[/h] [h=5]What expats learned: Part II[/h] [h=5]Returning expat culture shock[/h] Callaghan did something most homesick expats don’t do — he turned his longing for home into a successful livelihood, later launching British Corner Shop, an online supermarket delivering British groceries worldwide, primarily to expats wanting a taste of home. [h=1]Homesickness Defined[/h] A 2007 study in the journal Pediatrics describes homesickness as “the distress and functional impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from home and attachment objects such as parents.” While there are no official data on how much homesickness costs employers, it is well documented that, along with stress and anxiety, homesickness negatively affects mood and work performance. Others, however, are not so lucky. In its mild form, homesickness can be a twinge of nostalgia cured with a video chat session. In its extreme form it can be debilitating. For some, the pain of missing the lives left behind is so great that people quit their assignments abroad and return home. The affliction takes many forms. For some, it’s as simple as craving a certain food. For Joe Watson, who relocated to Hong Kong from Atlanta for six years, not being able watch his home sports teams play on TV made him pine for life back home. The intensity of homesickness may fade, but expats are sometimes surprised to find it may never go away entirely, even for those who were most eager to move abroad. Kimberly Bernhardt, senior vice president at a leading public relations agency in New York City, grew up in Switzerland and has been living in the US for 10 years, but she only recently found herself feeling homesick. She points to the fact that she, her friends and sister all have children now. “What I miss most are those special moments that I am not a part of and can’t be recreated such as my friend’s birthdays, watching my brother play in his band, Christmas with the family, my nephew’s first smile,” she said. For those who work in international human resource management and relocation, helping people cope with homesickness should be an important focus of their work, says Howard Wallack, VP for global business development at the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) headquartered in Virginia. “It’s natural,” he said. “Just about everyone goes through it in some form or another.” While there’s no panacea for homesickness, it can be managed. BBC Capital asked experts and expats for their best tips, tricks and holistic approaches to handle and quell the feelings. Engage in some self-reflection Feeling homesick often goes deeper than missing certain people or comforts. Think about what you’re really missing — it might be a different version of yourself. Making new friends helps battle homesickness (Thinkstock). “It’s often, ‘I miss who I was in that place, because it was comfortable, and I miss my identity and security’,” said Allegra Stein, a relocation coach based in New York. New or unfamiliar surroundings often force people to evaluate profound questions like “Who am I?”. “It can be an inspiring place or a difficult place,” Stein said. “Take that time to focus on yourself.” Think about your identity, values and priorities. Also evaluate what might be off that’s making you unhappy—perhaps it’s missing certain connections or a creative outlet —and try to address it. Take care of yourself Don’t default to lying on the couch with a bag of crisps and Netflix. It’s easy to find yourself mooning around for days, weeks or longer, and packing on weight. Instead, keep up your fitness routine or start a new one to keep those endorphins flowing. When Dorothy Dalton, a Brussels-based career transition coach, made her first move abroad she found herself feeling isolated, so she threw herself into playing squash. Not exactly sure what to do? Sign up for a class or find a Meetup group to continue a hobby or activity you love. Indulge an interest you never pursued back home, too. It’ll create a win-win situation: You are doing something you enjoy and, as Dalton found, you end up meeting people with similar interests. Beware the “victim mindset” When in a homesickness funk, it can be too easy to blame external factors or other people, Stein says, and that mentality is detrimental. “Remember, you are exactly where you wanted to be,” Stein said. “It’s about owning where you are, choosing what you want the next day to look like and taking little steps to get there.” Reach out Bernhardt regularly connects with friends and family via social media, video chat and even old-fashioned letters. Making the effort to stay in touch can often stave off homesick feelings. Don’t be afraid to talk about feeling homesick. No matter where you are or what you’re doing it’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows — and that’s okay. What’s more, ignoring those feelings can exacerbate them in the long run. READ MORE: How to behave in meetings and what to expect when doing business around the world. “People tend to seek help too late,” Dalton said. “They go to a specialist when they’re already starting to cry over their coffee… and feeling nervous about things.” Tap into networks and resources Connect with expat circles and networks. Some might be found within your company or look for others like expat networking sites Internations and 3Plus. They can help you connect with mentors and other professionals around the world. Other expats can be invaluable resources, whether it’s guiding you through bureaucratic red tape or helping you cope with missing home. Hang on to some of home You won’t be able to recreate your life and home abroad, and it would be futile and upsetting to try. You don’t have to cast it all off, though. Find a way to keep up on your favorite programs or purchase your favorite foods, for example, to have some tastes of home. Carry over and adapt traditions. Wallack of SHRM has a colleague in Virginia who would have a weekly family dinner with favorite dishes from back home, for instance. Don’t get discouraged “There’s a lot of guilt often when a move doesn’t feel right, right away,” Stein said. Adjusting, settling in and — really — creating a new life is a process that takes time, even the simple and essential elements, like making friends. In the meantime: “Accept all invitations,” Dalton says. “In the first few months you’ll see people you probably won’t see again, but you’ll be getting used to meeting people. Eventually you will find people you really click with.” Have you dealt with being a homesick expat? What did you do, share your story and tips--and comments on this story and anything else you have seen on BBC Capital, on our Facebook page or message us on Twitter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Thanks for that maryrose...dont get me wrong,Australia is a beautiful country but im beginning to feel like there is no one to enjoy it with,I go to certain places and think my family would love all this,and just end up missing them more...your lucky you had your brothers move here too though.thanks for that article,the tips help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 You've been here 5 weeks which is no time at all. Most people have a few twinges of homesickness so it's not strange. In a way skypeing people back home doesn't help, specially if your doing it a lot. Take your girl out somewhere, to a park or something or a coffee shop. Someone will no doubt have a chat with you and your youngster and it all helps to make you feel better. Good luck, Christmas can feel like a lonely time if there is no one to share things with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 It was six months before my brother joined me, then another four months before the youngest came, leaving my parents feeling very much alone in England. I was just hanging my washing out, thinking about homesickness. (A bit late to be hanging out too, but I do everything 'late', being a night owl.) This is actually my second 'migration' to Australia, because I went back to England for twelve years, and the second time has been better. I'm not sure why, perhaps because my parents had passed away, so there was not so much to miss about England, and also because I 'pushed' myself to talk to people around me. I'll go down to the cafe outside my unit soon, and all the people will know me as I know them. I was looking at a picture on Facebook of the staff at one of the pubs I go to, and I knew almost everyone of them as they know me. One of them told me the other night, 'You're so easy to talk to, Dave,' which is rather flattering, as I never used to be outgoing. Is there a cafe near to where you live? Go in every day with your little girl, and try to speak to people. After only a few days you might find yourself becoming a 'local.' Having your daughter with you might make it easier to talk to them. It's a gradual process. Anyway, I'm going for my coffee! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 You've been here 5 weeks which is no time at all. Most people have a few twinges of homesickness so it's not strange. In a way skypeing people back home doesn't help, specially if your doing it a lot. Take your girl out somewhere, to a park or something or a coffee shop. Someone will no doubt have a chat with you and your youngster and it all helps to make you feel better. Good luck, Christmas can feel like a lonely time if there is no one to share things with. You saying much the same as me! I didn't realize until I'd finished my post. That first Xmas in Sydney, I was living in one of the residential colleges at the UNSW, so there were some other people there. A couple put a bar of chocolate under my door on Xmas Day, which really 'touched' my Mother, when I told her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinkla Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 It is hard to generalise because everyone is different. However, emigration is harder than people imagine and after a few weeks of honeymoon, reality sets in and you find that you miss heaps of stuff but haven't yet found new things to go in their place. As in Mary Rose's post, you can't recreate your life back home, but until you have established a new life there is a void. In my experience, it gets worse before it gets better. With time, you will find more routines, people, places, foods, drinks that you like and would not have had back home. This never stops you missing things that you no longer have, but it makes it easier to spend more time in a happy state than in a melancholy state. I have been here for five years now. I still get homesick sometimes, but not very often. The first couple of years could get quite difficult at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 I do my best taking the little one out to playgroups,for walks,etc.but still feel she misses home loads...my husband and I have been invited to a xmas party this friday from his work normally when we attend parties in uk I could leave her with my mum,this year im going to miss that.I may have miss the party or just take her with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 How old is your girl? I wouldn't bother going to the party if she's young tbh. Neither of you will enjoy it as your hubby will probably be caught between trying to mingle with workmates and staying with you and the youngster. Usually leads to arguments and no-one having a good time. May as well let him go and have a good time without the worry. Maybe you can get out on your own for a shopping trip or with some friends while he looks after the youngster on another occasion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickyNook Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Your daughter is 18 months old, isn't she? She's not homesick. At that age, if her parents are happy, then she'll be happy - wherever she is. If she's not happy it's because she's picking something up from you and not because she's homesick. Don't project your feelings onto her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 How old is your girl? I wouldn't bother going to the party if she's young tbh. Neither of you will enjoy it as your hubby will probably be caught between trying to mingle with workmates and staying with you and the youngster. Usually leads to arguments and no-one having a good time. May as well let him go and have a good time without the worry. Maybe you can get out on your own for a shopping trip or with some friends while he looks after the youngster on another occasion. Shes 18months like nickynook just mentioned...its my hubby thats actually encouraging me to go lol in order to meet new people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Your daughter is 18 months old, isn't she? She's not homesick. At that age, if her parents are happy, then she'll be happy - wherever she is. If she's not happy it's because she's picking something up from you and not because she's homesick. Don't project your feelings onto her. I don't internationally,I might be unintentionally.I do my best trying to be happy around her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Sorry I meant intentionally and not internationally lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 It will probably get worse before it gets better but you really do have to work at putting yourself out there and you will either connect with people or you won't. Your daughter may well be missing grandparents if she was close to them - she's old enough to know they were people in her life who did stuff with her and now they are not there. My advice, for what it's worth is to take a long break from Skype, take yourself off FB and all the social media that keeps on scratching the scab of the life you left behind. Eventually you can get into the out of sight, out of mind way of thinking. Look upon this as an adventure, write a journal, go somewhere new every day. Remember though that nothing is forever and knowing you have the freedom to move on if you want is hugely liberating. Good luck - Christmas will be hard but it should get easier after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 You could get your husband to find out if you could bring your daughter with you to the Xmas party? Some places, pubs/clubs/restaurants, don't actually mind kids being there, or perhaps they allow them in specific areas, and if it's in the firm's premises, it might be OK. I sometimes see people bringing their kids in to the office. Which part of the city do you live, by the way? Sometimes, you can find social groups for young Mums, either via a library, or perhaps 'Meet Ups' in Google. I found one for you, though it is based on the North Shore, even has a Xmas 'do' on December 21st. I've used 'Meet Ups' a little - I did a writer's group, and I should use it more often myself, for bushwalking as an example. International couples+kids (or limited family around) Sydney Home More Report this group Join us! Hey young families! We started this group to achieve four goals: 1) To make new like-minded friends with other couples with a child/children. 2) To meet regularly with other couples and their kids for social and active events. 3) To meet occasionally for guys or ladies activities without the kids. 4) To promote inter-group baby-sitting/child-minding to allow couples to get some free time together without costly babysitters. If this sounds like what you are interested in and answered “Count me in” to ALL of the above, then read on! About us: We are James (from the UK) and Priscilla (Chinese) with our 2 girls (Freya 4 and Tuesday 2 ). We moved to Sydney 8 years ago. Although we have lived in sydney for a few years now but being expats we do not have family around, we would love to build a solid network of likeminded friends to enjoy beautiful Sydney with. About the group: The couples + toddlers meetups will be scheduled for roughly every 3-4 weekends, probably mornings, meeting in child friendly places or doing activities where toddlers are welcome! We’ll do things like bbqs/coffee in the park/beach, fun indoor/outdoor activities (weather pending) etc. After a while once the group has been established we’ll start scheduling guys and ladies events probably every 3-4 weeks also (alternate) – most likely in the evenings. NOTE - This is not a Mothers Group! Dads are expected to equally come along and be a part of the group. We hope that strong lasting friends will form naturally from the group. For continuity we’ll keep the group size small and will remove inactive group members that don’t come along. The ultimate goal is to build close family friends that we can trust to share baby-sitting/child minding duties (one parent comes over to allow the couple some time-off, without the need for costly baby-sitters). All our current friends with kids talk about this but never actually do it – So be realistic and honest - if you are not prepared to do this then please state this upfront! About you: - This group is specifically targeting parents with babies-young kids– as a guide, your children should be no older than 7. - We live on the North Shore but anywhere around Sydney will still be good. -You should be committed to participating in the group meetups – please don’t just join and then we don’t hear from you again! Inactive members will be removed to make way for members on the waiting list - wanting to join & join in. Also – Are you keen to be involved? – Let us know, the more the merrier. Sound like its up your alley? Join us! [h=2]We're 161 International families[/h]Join us! New members must be approved by the Organizer Content of this Meetup Group is only visible to members [h=2]Upcoming Meetups[/h] Sunday, December 21, 2014 3:00 PM[h=3]Xmas Meet Up![/h] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 http://www.meetup.com/InternationalFamilies/ I forgot the internet address. I see there are a few 'guests' looking at this thread. Perhaps you are suffering in the same way? Why not sign up for PIO and tell us your experiences? 5.45 time for my 'lunch' then down to the beach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Having someone to talk to and have a laugh with is something that should not be underestimated. At this time of the year it is a bit harder because most things are winding up for the year but you can start looking round for groups and activities for Feb when everything gets back into gear. If you have a little one maybe you could check out and get your name down for playgroups- the type where mothers stay and have a good yack amongst themselves! Maybe visit your local clinic and ask the sister there what groups are around- or look in the local papers/ ask the local council. Sometimes even things like toy libraries or toddler sessions at the local library can be good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 It will probably get worse before it gets better but you really do have to work at putting yourself out there and you will either connect with people or you won't. Your daughter may well be missing grandparents if she was close to them - she's old enough to know they were people in her life who did stuff with her and now they are not there. My advice, for what it's worth is to take a long break from Skype, take yourself off FB and all the social media that keeps on scratching the scab of the life you left behind. Eventually you can get into the out of sight, out of mind way of thinking. Look upon this as an adventure, write a journal, go somewhere new every day. Remember though that nothing is forever and knowing you have the freedom to move on if you want is hugely liberating. Good luck - Christmas will be hard but it should get easier after that. Think very carefully before taking this kind of advice. Skype and Facebook have been a lifeline for us and the grandparents. It didn't work for Quoll but it does for many other families. It is hard at first but we have settled into a really good routine of Skyping once or twice a week with the grandparents and they love it - even if the kids don't stay still for long! There is no need to go the "out of sight, out of mind" way. I think it's important to keep your history but create new memories. It is really hard at first - I found 3-6 months pretty tough but we are very happy and settled now. It takes time to build new friendships and get a support network around you but, as long as you put yourself out there, it will come. Good luck. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy99 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Don't worry it will gradually get better, what you have to remember is you've just arrived in a brand new country with no history, you left all that in england and it's going to take time. We arrived in january this year, i have a 5 & 8 year old and remember thinking 'wtf have i done?' It was the most lonely feeling in the world. I wondered how or if i was ever going to meet people or make friends and yes at week 6 even my husband was on the verge of jacking it all in and going home. But we perservered and gradually, very slowly i started to chat to my neighbours, mums at the school were very friendly then my kids would start getting party invites so I'd get to meet new mums or the same ones but chat again, which lead to going for coffee every now and then and today we've come back from a pool party where i met about 5 new mums, all very lovely. I also joined some groups on fb that had been set up, which area are you in? One of the groups would be ideal for you as its a mum and toddler group. Try not to skype too much, i find it hard skyping all the time i do it once every couple of weeks and phone, whatsapp instead! I'd be hesitant taking your daughter to a works do, perhaps you can invite some of them to yours for a barbie? It is tough, but hang in there its still very early days x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 To Skype or not to Skype? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 To Skype or not to Skype? If you're secure in what you are doing then go for it if it helps but if you are insecure and can only see the life youve left behind and the things you are missing then avoid it. It was much easier back in the day when aerogrammes took a week and phone calls cost £1 per minute. I was responding to someone who wasnt coping - if you're coping it is a whole different ballgame because you arent as hung up on what you are missing so much as maintaining connections. Personally I find grandparenting on Skype to be very dissatisfying - I defy anyone to hold a hand or get a cuddle via Skype. Once a month is enough so the kids remember who you are and you can see their development. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I understand where you're coming from Quoll.Sometimes its easier to move on with your life with limited contact.It suits some people to deal with it that way.Its sort of a way of letting go,not totally of course. I'm one of those type of people that don't get "attached"too much emotionally.Might of been the way I was brought up.I do love my family but I have learnt to get on with my life,otherwise you can tend to sort of live in limbo.One minute you're settled,then after skypeing someone,you feel unsettled.Its not easy,either way. To the OP,maybe because its coming up to Xmas,you will be affected more.I think we all are to a degree.See how you feel a while after Xmas and re evaluate.Merry Xmas to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Well iv been skyping everyday lol,so maybe thats why im so homesick all the time,I'll try avoid skyping for abit and see if that helps homesickness...and melza merry xmas to you and your family too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Don't worry it will gradually get better, what you have to remember is you've just arrived in a brand new country with no history, you left all that in england and it's going to take time. We arrived in january this year, i have a 5 & 8 year old and remember thinking 'wtf have i done?' It was the most lonely feeling in the world. I wondered how or if i was ever going to meet people or make friends and yes at week 6 even my husband was on the verge of jacking it all in and going home. But we perservered and gradually, very slowly i started to chat to my neighbours, mums at the school were very friendly then my kids would start getting party invites so I'd get to meet new mums or the same ones but chat again, which lead to going for coffee every now and then and today we've come back from a pool party where i met about 5 new mums, all very lovely. I also joined some groups on fb that had been set up, which area are you in? One of the groups would be ideal for you as its a mum and toddler group. Try not to skype too much, i find it hard skyping all the time i do it once every couple of weeks and phone, whatsapp instead! I'd be hesitant taking your daughter to a works do, perhaps you can invite some of them to yours for a barbie? It is tough, but hang in there its still very early days x I live in the hills...and its my husband's work do,I don't really know any of them so I were thinking if I do go it might give me a chance to meet new people and make some friends.I am feeling a little hesitant about going with the little one but hubby keeps reassuring me that it'l be fine...glad things are going better for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Well iv been skyping everyday lol,so maybe thats why im so homesick all the time,I'll try avoid skyping for abit and see if that helps homesickness...and melza merry xmas to you and your family too Blimey, really? Yes definitely avoid that and get out there and meet people - the library at story time is a good place to start, also the pool for swimming lessons. Keep off FB too if you can! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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