mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Apologies if I ramble, hopefully will make sense I am confused as to what to do and where to go from here..... Please be kind. I really can not cope with mean comments. A little background info: I move to Aus nearly 3 years ago. With my partner (now ex) and my baby. We split shortly after arriving in Aus. The ex decided he wanted to move on with his life and off he went having nothing more to do with me or his child. After a year of feeling isolated, not happy with my job, no support from ex and finding it difficult to make friends (having no family around so just myself and my child).... I wasn't happy with where I was living so moved state looking for a fresh start. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful brit living in Aus but this place in no better.... again I have struggled to make 'true' friends. Just like the last place, everyone has an agenda or wants something from you. Or fake. I have had some bad experiences here and now do not trust anyone. I have also seen first hand that a lot of people in this country see single parents as scum and slags. Yes I have wittiness these opinions. I have recently come out of employment so I can homeschool my child (special needs) The cost of living here is just ridiculous! Everything from rent, childcare, dental, groceries, bills, fees etc..... I am now a struggling single (sole) parent in a foreign country. So now I am a recluse, hermit, lonely with noone (aside from my child). I actually fear going out somedays and just want to hide away. This is not what I wanted. I know everyones experience can be different but for me I feel I am lost and completely alone. Expats struggle but I feel I am at the lowest end of the line... I am not staying in this town, that I have decided. I am considering giving it one more try, move to somewhere quiet, a little town. Start again.....again. But I fear that history will repeat itself. I won't be able to trust people enough to make friends (if such thing exists here) as I have been burnt. I never had this problem in the UK. Moving back to the UK is an option of course but I don't really have anything to go back to there. I am so confused as to where I am in life. Is this it? It this reality? Does anyone else have any experience or in the same situation? What would you do if you were in my situation. Thank you for reading Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harpodom Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Christ! You've done well to 'last' this long. There must be more there (UK) than here for you surely? You must have some family and/or friends who could at least keep you sane back in Britain? TBH you've already tried the 'moving elsewhere in Aus' trick. I wouldn't bother doing it again. Go home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Forgive me for asking but was it not the case that your ex was already ex before you emigrated? I am sorry that things have not worked out as you hoped but IMO relocating all the time is not the answer. I can imagine that it is hard getting established and more so with a young child and no partner but to build relationships you need to stay put and for the long term. Much harder to make good friends if you are always moving on. If you move again whether Aus or UK suggest committing for a long term in one area. Stability is probably what you need and will be better for your child as he gets older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 I'm sorry to hear you are so unhappy, it must be very hard having to go it alone. It is awful that your partner turned his back on you and your child - abandoning a child is despicable. When you say you have nothing to go back to, do you mean in terms of a job and home or people? Do you have a supportive family in the UK? You said you had good friends there, perhaps a move close to them would help. I think you have given it a good go here in Australia and if you're not happy there is no shame in saying that you want to go back to the UK. I feel like I always recommend counselling on here but it might be useful to talk things through with an unbiased party. And to answer your original question, given your feelings/experiences about the cost of living, difficulty making friends, feeling judged etc. I would move back to the UK. Good luck with whatever you decide, you sound like a great Mum to your son, keep your chin up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 Thanks for your reply Harpodon. I am questioning this myself. I have already tried a new place in Aus.... I feel like I want to give it one more go. I do have friends in the UK but they are dotted about. And I only have my dad as family and although I would see him occasionally he is busy with his own family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Would you be able to return to the UK? It sounds as though that is what you should do. Would there be any issues over your child and your ex and access? Or has he shot through totally? All I could suggest here is that you join something with your child for now and get to know a few people- how do you cope with childcare costs if you are at work? Do you belong to a local church or would you consider that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 Gbye grey sky.... Its complicated. We has split before the move but decided to give the relationship another go when we got here but it didnt work out. I agree with stability. This would be my last move in Aus. I would not keep moving for the sake of my child as she needs familiarity. But now is best as she isn't ready to start school. I feel maybe I should give it one last chance. As moving back is a huge step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 Thank you Aunt Agatha. Yes thats what I meant about the UK. I don't have a job, home to go back to. I have only my dad as family and even then he is busy with his own family. I looked into counselling but it costs And I just cant justify that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sustain Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 I think she refers to a daughter not a son. As said before you will need to have a long term view so take some time, don't rush your next move. What special needs does your daughter require? Is this likely to be better supported here or in UK. I have autistic daughter so aware of special needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 Startlight7.... Yes he has left completely. Hasn't seen his daughter in 2 years. It wouldn't be an issue taking her out of Aus. Childcare costs are difficult. We've had to cut the number of days she attends which is fine as I love spending more time with her. I would be ok with joining a local church but I am not staying round here. I am not comfortable with going to groups to meet people. I have so little confidence now that I have been let down by 'friends' so many times. My daughter also is very misunderstood and at nearly 5 she is still largely non verbal and children can be very cruel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 The OP didn't mention the gender of her child in the first post and I wrongly assumed a son, my apologies. Mygirlies could you get a referral to a counsellor through your GP? There must be (I would hope!) free counselling available to those not in a position to pay for it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 Sustain.... Thank you. She has Autism, Dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and high anxiety. She is non verbal and is behind her peers. I am not sure if there is better facilities in the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 The OP didn't mention the gender of her child in the first post and I wrongly assumed a son, my apologies. Mygirlies could you get a referral to a counsellor through your GP? There must be (I would hope!) free counselling available to those not in a position to pay for it? No apologies needed I did get a referral from the GP but there was still cost to pay?? I am not sure if that is just the standard here. The GP knows my situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 That's a b*gger. Maybe try the Salvation Army? I'm not sure where you are but they have a free counselling service in several cities: http://salvoscounselling.salvos.org.au/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Have you had a Mental Health Care Plan put in place for your daughter via the GP? We are in NSW, I don't know where you are or if the states are different, but for our autistic daughter we had a Mental Health Care Plan, which entitled us to 10 sessions with a psychologist. As far as I know, this is available every year (we only had to have a few sessions for her autism and anxiety so far, so we haven't had to renew). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 That's a b*gger. Maybe try the Salvation Army? I'm not sure where you are but they have a free counselling service in several cities: http://salvoscounselling.salvos.org.au/ Thank you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 Have you had a Mental Health Care Plan put in place for your daughter via the GP? We are in NSW, I don't know where you are or if the states are different, but for our autistic daughter we had a Mental Health Care Plan, which entitled us to 10 sessions with a psychologist. As far as I know, this is available every year (we only had to have a few sessions for her autism and anxiety so far, so we haven't had to renew). Thank you LKC, I am just looking into this now as have been told about the mental health care plan recently. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sustain Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 You mention you have left employment. What area of work are you in? Have you thought of long term prospects. Friends of ours found animals in particular horses assisted with their daughters non verbal. Kids ca be cruel but they can also be wonderfully protective and embracing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 you're in quite a difficult situation and many well done's on sticking with it here this far. just a couple of things spring to mind. 1. mental health care plans can be utilised for yourself too- i'm sure any decent GP would see how your own mental health is under the pump right now and you should be eligible for an initial 6 subsidised psychologists visits with a further 6 if found necessary. Psychologists can be very helpful in getting you to reassess the way you think about things. they are often a mind of knowledge about local services too. 2. respite- are you getting any sort of respite at all? parenting (especially of the solo kind) and parenting a child with special needs is absolutely relentless and it's no wonder you are finding things difficult. i have no idea how social services works here, but having worked for a lot of not for profits i'm sure that you must be able to link in with local services who can provide respite or playschemes or similar. i'm assuming you don't have this of course, maybe you do. 3. UK- unfortunately, it may not be easy for you to go back due to 'habitual residency' requirements. if you get benefits or family benefits here, you are better off. you'd need to be back 2 years in the UK before anything kicked in. (double check this, the amount of time you've been out the country has impact). 4. it's a limbo when you feel like you have nothing back in the uk but nothing here. the deciding factor is your daughter. it's well worth joining forums regarding special needs- i have seen various postings about parents returning to the UK for primarily the reason that services and schooling is set up so much better in the uk- you can even go back and check threads on this forum. my understanding is that australia as a whole is quite behind on this. there seems to be a lot more support and better special needs schools in the UK. you would need to research this further of course. 5. it is hard to make friends here, especially when you are feeling isolated already as your confidence wains and it perpetuates itself. i don't think a new place is the answer in many regards. taking care of yourself, getting a break if you can and thinking about where your daughter would benefit longer term may be key. good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I move to Aus nearly 3 years ago. With my partner (now ex) and my baby. We split shortly after arriving in Aus. The ex decided he wanted to move on with his life and off he went having nothing more to do with me or his child.... I wasn't happy with where I was living so moved state looking for a fresh start....this place in no better.... again I have struggled to make 'true' friends. Just like the last place, everyone has an agenda or wants something from you. Or fake. I have had some bad experiences here and now do not trust anyone. I have also seen first hand that a lot of people in this country see single parents as scum and slags. Yes I have wittiness these opinions. I have recently come out of employment so I can homeschool my child (special needs) The cost of living here is just ridiculous! Everything from rent, childcare, dental, groceries, bills, fees etc..... I am now a struggling single (sole) parent in a foreign country. So now I am a recluse, hermit, lonely with noone (aside from my child). I actually fear going out somedays and just want to hide away. This is not what I wanted. I know everyones experience can be different but for me I feel I am lost and completely alone. Expats struggle but I feel I am at the lowest end of the line... I am not staying in this town, that I have decided. I am considering giving it one more try, move to somewhere quiet, a little town. Start again.....again. But I fear that history will repeat itself. The attitudes you mention aren't prevalent all over the country in every city and suburb. And there are definitely parts of the UK where you'd find the same attitude, it's not exclusively Australian. If you are considering another move, it would be worth discussing possible destinations on these forums - there are people here from all over, who can give you advice. However, personally I think a move back to the UK would make sense. You feel like you're in a foreign country, you have a deep distrust of people which, in your mind, applies to all Australians - and although that's not really fair, it's very hard to get over. In the long run, you'll probably get better support for your daughter's condition in the UK, too. The problem will be the short run - as others have said, you may not get any benefits at all for your first two years back in the UK. So you really have to think whether you can survive that before you make the move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I thought the habitual residency period could be as little as three months? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbpom Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Hi, as a mother of a disabled child I'd recommend enrolling your daughter in an early intervention program asap whether you stay here for the long term or not (I'd vote for not). There will be specialized therapists available to help with her speech and behavioural issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I don't know if this will help you at all..when when I returned I was on the benefit for employment and support. .basically couldn't work due to ill health..I got this straight away..then went onto job seekers benefits some months later...so the 2 years thing didn't apply to me..I'd heard it was 3 months though? Are you sure you can take your child back the to UK? Look at the Hague convention and potentially get some legal advice around this. Salvation army have legal services attached for free. Even if your ex has not seen your child it would be risky to exit oz without legal advice. .sounds like you want to come ba cm to the UK. .good luck in whatever you decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I thought the habitual residency period could be as little as three months? I don't know all the details, but there is another thread somewhere from a disabled person who went back, assuming she could claim disability pension (which she was entitled to before leaving the UK) - and she found she couldn't get it for two years. So it's worth making sure you understand the rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 As your child is already five, I am very surprised that you have not already been referred by a GP, Community Centre or indeed your child's school (if pre-primary or kindy was attended). There are numerous early intervention programs available and it is really important that your daughter is attending one so that she can have the best possible outcome. Homeschooling (by itself) may not be in the best interest of a child if they are not receiving help from other professionals such as OT,speech and specially trained teachers, when it is needed. I would also say that you really need to look after yourself. As a single Mum it is stressful enough, but with the added needs of your child you are under even more emotional strain. Children need healthy parents and you need to be kind to yourself. Perhaps see your GP and discuss your mental well being and the demands placed on you. There are 12 free appointments available a year with a Psychologist and if need be these are increased by another six - all for free.It might really help you to be able to talk with someone, especially as you have no other support. It really can make a huge difference. It may be that going back to the UK will be the best option, just make sure that you check out the legalities of moving your child first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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