legoman Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Strange one this, my health issues after returning to the UK seem to be over and all is well, just a mri result to come back People who know of me on PIO know I love both UK and Oz. Well after 7 months back in the UK where I took a job at half the wages I am used to just to have quality of life for a while I am now planning to return to Perth for good as was more or less planned. Thing is my eldest is in Perth married 2 kids etc and is constantly on at me to return asap, grand kids miss me etc, Youngest here in UK 17 his mum and I are splitting amicably she grew up in Perth and says its not the same and prefers Uk plus to be fair we are parting as we outgrown each other. Thing is I feel so guilty about leaving either one of them, If I decided to stay longer in the UK my eldest would be so upset, yet my youngest at 17 looking to join the army or failing that mechanic seems to show no emotion as my returning to Perth apart from saying it would be boring without me. I was told on my return to UK my eldest had an episode and was distressed culminating with a weeks visit to stay with me,. I get sleepless nights now as I just dont want to upset either son, I would be renting alone in Perth and when my ex finds a rental here in UK my youngest has indicated he would stay with us both but not entertain return to Oz. I do feel younger son may need me more. This guilt feeling has crept up on me and left me in a dilemma to which I dont see a outcome, strange and a little un -nerving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 This really has to be about you and what you want out of your life in your old age. It's like we say to all intending migrants - you have to be selfish to up sticks and isolate yourself - you're going to be split from one or the other no matter what unfortunately. As our kids get older we have to let them be adults, we can "be there" without actually "Being There" if you see what I mean! I've got one on both sides of the world and they've both needed a bit of support from time to time but I would not think of rearranging my life permanently for them unless it was something utterly catastrophic in which case it would be a matter of weighing up whose need was the greater. Short visits to one or the other have done just fine. The only guilting I have had over leaving our granddaughters is from my daughter in law (her family have a full hand of guilt cards, our family have never played a one!) - I know grand parenting over Skype sucks but I have different needs at the moment and, in good selfish migrant fashion I am putting them first. If your boys weren't an issue where would you want to be living your life? (And of course you are entitled to change your mind as circumstances change!) Good luck, it's not a comfy position to find yourself in! (So glad your health stuff is sorted though!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Good luck with your decision and congratulations on the health news. Just a thought but both your sons are adults and you have to focus on what makes you happy. If your ex is going to stay on in the UK then your youngest has a support network here, your eldest is alone but has her family. I think the choice has to be yours, I think you are overcomplicating things and you need to be selfish for a while. You have brought up two strong independent children and its now your time in life x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I'd say that guilt was a fairly big percentage of parenting whatever your circumstances. Show me a parent that claims had on heart that they have parented to the very best of their abilities and I'd call them deluded. We have to sometimes base decisions on what is best for us too. Good luck and remember nothing is forever and yours and his circumstances could change :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Strange one this, my health issues after returning to the UK seem to be over and all is well, just a mri result to come back People who know of me on PIO know I love both UK and Oz. Well after 7 months back in the UK where I took a job at half the wages I am used to just to have quality of life for a while I am now planning to return to Perth for good as was more or less planned. Thing is my eldest is in Perth married 2 kids etc and is constantly on at me to return asap, grand kids miss me etc, Youngest here in UK 17 his mum and I are splitting amicably she grew up in Perth and says its not the same and prefers Uk plus to be fair we are parting as we outgrown each other. Thing is I feel so guilty about leaving either one of them, If I decided to stay longer in the UK my eldest would be so upset, yet my youngest at 17 looking to join the army or failing that mechanic seems to show no emotion as my returning to Perth apart from saying it would be boring without me. I was told on my return to UK my eldest had an episode and was distressed culminating with a weeks visit to stay with me,. I get sleepless nights now as I just dont want to upset either son, I would be renting alone in Perth and when my ex finds a rental here in UK my youngest has indicated he would stay with us both but not entertain return to Oz. I do feel younger son may need me more. This guilt feeling has crept up on me and left me in a dilemma to which I dont see a outcome, strange and a little un -nerving. Well for sure a 17 year old needs you more than a married child with two children of his own. But even the 17 year old is nearly an adult and could soon be off on his own anyway. Choose where you want to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 So glad to hear that you're on the mend. Your 17 year old sounds as though they're going to be embarking on their own journey in the armed forces and won't be home much ... I'd ask yourself where it is you want to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 thanks for the replies, It was something that crept upon me and difficult to weigh up. I,m going to knock the house sale on the head and settle here a little longer, I have been offered a good easy going job with a big pay cut but better quality of life here for a while, then re assess, my youngest takes a pre military course end of june and I can see where we go from there, it 20 weeks, think i will give him support while he doing that. Mind you at 52 its not an easy thing to re settle back in Perth work wise even if I do take my money with me.. Thanks again. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the bottler Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 pleased to hear your health is better ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hope your lad enjoys the military - it's good for some! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritChickx Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Either way, someones not going to like what you decide. So you do what YOU want to do. I am sure your family will still be there and you'll still be their father whichever country you choose to live in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 I'd say that guilt was a fairly big percentage of parenting whatever your circumstances. Show me a parent that claims had on heart that they have parented to the very best of their abilities and I'd call them deluded. We have to sometimes base decisions on what is best for us too. Good luck and remember nothing is forever and yours and his circumstances could change :wubclub:[/QUOTe Iam afraid qss , you will have to call me deluded then ....I haven't got one regret ...sure , I have made mistakes , and having 2 girls ,they let you know . I have never based family decisions on whats best for me ....never ......and that can be painful . My decisions for me ( and my wife ) , are on the horizon, but only after the youngest leaves ....the thought of being a touch selfish , has an attraction , but only briefly ...it isn't in my nature iam afraid .... so iam left as the family taxi , as my main occupation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Strange one this, my health issues after returning to the UK seem to be over and all is well, just a mri result to come back People who know of me on PIO know I love both UK and Oz. Well after 7 months back in the UK where I took a job at half the wages I am used to just to have quality of life for a while I am now planning to return to Perth for good as was more or less planned. Thing is my eldest is in Perth married 2 kids etc and is constantly on at me to return asap, grand kids miss me etc, Youngest here in UK 17 his mum and I are splitting amicably she grew up in Perth and says its not the same and prefers Uk plus to be fair we are parting as we outgrown each other. Thing is I feel so guilty about leaving either one of them, If I decided to stay longer in the UK my eldest would be so upset, yet my youngest at 17 looking to join the army or failing that mechanic seems to show no emotion as my returning to Perth apart from saying it would be boring without me. I was told on my return to UK my eldest had an episode and was distressed culminating with a weeks visit to stay with me,. I get sleepless nights now as I just dont want to upset either son, I would be renting alone in Perth and when my ex finds a rental here in UK my youngest has indicated he would stay with us both but not entertain return to Oz. I do feel younger son may need me more. This guilt feeling has crept up on me and left me in a dilemma to which I dont see a outcome, strange and a little un -nerving. Lego , none of my previous post is in anyway directed at you , just a reply to QSS .....all the very best in which ever decision you have to make ...its a difficult one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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