wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I've found that making your wife happy involves providing for her financially as well as emotionally. I've been successful in one but not the other. If you can do both you've succeeded wherever you are. One is easy to do and the other is just materialistic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuartpreece Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 One is easy to do and the other is just materialistic! Well, yes and no. At the risk of getting in between you guys, ‘materialistic’ is still a consideration. That includes things like an acceptable standard of living for (to both of us) as well as the ability to travel back to Aus as often as we have to the UK. And all that’s a stretch for most people, us included. I suspect you may be pushing it harder to make your point wattsy (and you most certainly have enlightened my thinking there and for that I thank you) but totally disregarding the ‘material’ may actually lead to even more problems down the track. And who needs that?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 One is easy to do and the other is just materialistic! Sadly you can't survive without money you have to provide for the family. Call it materialism if you want but you cant survive on love alone. Ever woman deserves a nice family home to live in. Just materialism - I can't believe you actually said that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Sadly you can't survive without money you have to provide for the family. Call it materialism if you want but you cant survive on love alone. Ever woman deserves a nice family home to live in. Just materialism - I can't believe you actually said that. I cant believe you say a lot of the things you do but hey. Theres providing for them and then theres providing for them. In the case of the OP who's to say he wouldn't be able to provide for them in the UK? I was merely saying that having a really well paid job here with his wife being unhappy or a less paid job in the UK with his wife happy is a no brainer. Think before you speak! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I do think before I speak. The debate is a simple one, you provide for your family wherever you are. Saying its materialistic is nonsense. Would someone who is earning $180k per year here, go back to UK without a job and risk everything. That's crackers to me especially if you have a young baby to care for. Of course if they have another job to go to that is a different matter. Living without income and the stress of finding a job is not fun. You know more marriages break up over problems with money than anything else. I think I've said that there are ways to be happy whenever you are but money does make a difference believe me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Of course the job aspect is key but UK is on the up and if you have a skill set that is sale-able in Aus, chances are very good that it would be sale-able in UK. But, a family doesn't need a mac mansion with an inground pool and two 4WD in the garage to be happy - you can be perfectly happy in a little terrace if that is within your means and your in comings exceed your outgoings. It's the people in your life that make it worth living, not the stuff you have around you. I would be really pi$$ed off if my DH put the pool and big house ahead of my mental health and well being! It was bad enough that he put his anticipation of potential detriment to his mental health and aspirations for a permaculture garden ahead of my mental health but definitely nowhere near as bad as "but I wouldn't have a pool!" i always reckon you you should apply seriously for jobs you would kill to get (in UK in this instance) - then if you get one you gave some very concrete options on the table. If you don't get one, at least you are giving your OH the prospect that you are doing everything to move towards their ambition and that reduces the trapped feeling. OP I am making the assumption here that with a UK born dad you have citizenship by descent because if I have misunderstood and you don't have a visa your chances of getting a spouse visa are probably going to be out of reach in which case your wife, in reality, has no options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I do think before I speak. The debate is a simple one, you provide for your family wherever you are. Saying its materialistic is nonsense. Would someone who is earning $180k per year here, go back to UK without a job and risk everything. That's crackers to me especially if you have a young baby to care for. Of course if they have another job to go to that is a different matter. Living without income and the stress of finding a job is not fun. You know more marriages break up over problems with money than anything else. I think I've said that there are ways to be happy whenever you are but money does make a difference believe me. Yes but it is perfectly possible to work in the UK as well as Australia! If OP is a cautious type then they can carefully plan their move over, start looking for jobs and investigating opportunities. Not just slam the door on it because currently he has a job in Australia and not a job in UK (obviously!). None of us would have ever moved on that rationale. And we are an absolute case in point that money is not everything. When I was terribly unhappy and depressed on a previous jaunt overseas we left a $0.5million tax free annual income to a GBP50k taxable UK income. So serious drop in disposable income, but neither of us regretted it for one moment. Money does not bring happiness and is no replacement for happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I do think before I speak. The debate is a simple one, you provide for your family wherever you are. Saying its materialistic is nonsense. Would someone who is earning $180k per year here, go back to UK without a job and risk everything. That's crackers to me especially if you have a young baby to care for. Of course if they have another job to go to that is a different matter. Living without income and the stress of finding a job is not fun. You know more marriages break up over problems with money than anything else. I think I've said that there are ways to be happy whenever you are but money does make a difference believe me. It doesnt have to be all or nothing though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Well, yes and no. At the risk of getting in between you guys, ‘materialistic’ is still a consideration. That includes things like an acceptable standard of living for (to both of us) as well as the ability to travel back to Aus as often as we have to the UK. And all that’s a stretch for most people, us included. I suspect you may be pushing it harder to make your point wattsy (and you most certainly have enlightened my thinking there and for that I thank you) but totally disregarding the ‘material’ may actually lead to even more problems down the track. And who needs that?! I'm earning a good salary here, hubby has a job he loves and we're hoping we can head back as soon as practicable with kids in higher education. At first my hubby was upset that I wanted to go home, and I actually went on my own for 5 months last year. He thought I would get over my desire to go back, what it did was confirm that I felt better, stronger, more confident where I belonged. I stayed a long time as I actually got offered a short contract there and it was great experience. Even though we have a good standard of living here (and could have an excellent one if we sold our house in the UK), I want to go back to the UK and wouldn't stay here even if hubby got a posh job with all the trimmings and we could live the dream. Sure we'll earn less there - but it goes so much further. Sure it's taking a risk leaving our jobs, but if we're employable here then we should find work OK there (I'm in IT and found a higher demand for my skills and experience in the UK). Travelling to Australia (or most other places) from the UK is considerably cheaper than going the other way. I can see how you don't want to leave Oz - if I had friends and family here, and had grown up here I'm sure I'd struggle to. But you have a young child and I can understand why she is yearning for the safety and security of familiar faces, places and the support of her immediate family. Good luck in whatever you decide, but it really doesn't have to be forever. I may even ping pong myself at a later date! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penelope Pitstop Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Sydney - London return with Singapore Airlines in October $2,163 London - Sydney return with Singapore Airlines in October £954 = $1,703 so $460 cheaper (over 20% less) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarahelle Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Another mixed relationship here too! I'm the Brit, he's the Aussie. I've never been especially happy here but I came for my OH and for the most part have been fine but, I must admit since I had our daughter I'm horribly homesick, compounded by the fact I haven't been home since March 2011. It's a slightly different situation though as strangely enough, we had a talk about it today and have decided to go back to the UK to live. It won't be for at least 2-3 years or so though as we'll have to save lots of money first. I hadn't until recently told him just how homesick I am, I have no one but him and our little girl here and she's my parents only grand daughter. I'll be honest - coming to Australia has taken up all the money I have ever had in the world and we've had a very difficult time here which I guess makes the pull to go home greater. At the moment I feel like if I ever have the chance to get home, I would never want to come back here to live, but that's very selfish of me. I would hate for my OH to say I could never live in my home country again. Australia is a beautiful country, it's just not where my heart is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Australia is a beautiful country, it's just not where my heart is. Youve got it in one, and because of this people think you don't like Aus. It's not that, it's just we miss the UK. Big difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 You can feel displaced after living in one country for a while like you don't belong in Enhlabd. I don't feel like I belong over there anymore but still not quite settled here. Quite annoying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 yes, it leaves you in a weird state of limbo sometimes. last time i went back 18 months ago i definitely didn't feel like I was 'english ' anymore and i walked around in a kind of daze, watching as an outsider, a stranger in my own land. but also here, i do not feel 100% at home either- it's such a weird feeling but i have seen many people express the same so i think it's normal when you've been out the country a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 It wouldn't matter where you lived. It is very hard for a woman to have young children and be away from their family. Your situation is similar to mine, but I met my UK wife in England. She was dying with homesickness. It was actually making her I'll. Even having her mum here for six months did not help. In the end we had to return to the UK. But now, ten years later, the kids have grown and she wants to go back to oz. I would come back for a couple of years, get the baby thing out of the way. Explore Europe et al, then move back to oz. The UK isn't that bad, and the economy is on the up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wakeboard1980 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 I'm Aussie, my wife English. We lived in he uk until 2910 then moved to Aus, my wife didnt settle, we had our first child in Aus and moved back at the end of 2011. It was easier for me to move back than for her to stay in Aus, so here we are in the UK for the foreseeable future. if you do decide to move to the UK make sure you check out the visa options, a partner visa into the uk is very different with regards to the financial requirements than it is to Aus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
millymarie Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 she has made sacrifices to be with you in Australia, and I think you should be willing to do the same. Absolutely. I think I speak for most independent, forward thinking women that I would eventually leave a situation where my husband did not make similar sacrifices for me as I have done so for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarahelle Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 My DF and I had a discussion a couple of days ago and decided we'd both like to move back in a few years. I guess most of our difficulties here are financial but as Chortlepuss rightly said, even if DF had the best job in the world I would still want to move back. Our life here is nothing compared to the one we left behind. My biggest worry is how we're ever going to do it as it would mean applying for a spouse visa - we have very little savings and a baby daughter, no options for an ancestry visa at all. It's looking very bleak for me at the moment unless something radical happens, which I doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laz Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I am from the UK and my husband is Australian. When we got engaged in 2000 I told him I would only agree to marry him if he would agree to live in the UK. However, in 2003 we moved to Australia and I loved it! We did move back to the UK in 2008 and just returned back to Australia in January this year. I personally prefer Australia, however, I also love Scotland and had a great childhood there. As is often pointed out, both countries have their stronger and weaker points, and both offer a good standard of living. I am torn about being here, because my mum is back in Scotland and misses us terribly, and I feel so guilty not being there with her, so who knows how long we'll stay this time.My point being, moving back and forth isn't terribly difficult, yes, it's expensive, and it does set you back in terms of career and housing, but at the end of the day, it's better to be healthy and happy than anything else. You child is still young enough to move back and forth, and we have moved with ours and they adapt so well (ours our five and seven). Where in the UK is your wife from? Personally, if I was you, I go back to the UK for a few years for your wife's sake, she has made sacrifices to be with you in Australia, and I think you should be willing to do the same. As others have said, rent your house out, get a job transfer / take long service leave etc, and give it a go. One thing, have you got UK citizenship? I know nothing about this, as both me and my hubby have dual citizenship, but from what I have read on this board it may be harder for you to get a UK visa now than it was a few years ago, so you may need to look into this first. Good luck i absolutely agree with this! I'm Australian and my husband is British. We live in the UK and we're moving back to Australia because I think we'll be happier with family around (we don't see my husband's family very often). My husband would move anywhere I wanted to live - maybe family is more important to a woman!? Anyway, life (for us) is cheaper in the UK than it will be in Australia (much cheaper)...so maybe a move won't be the financial disaster you're expecting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rubyrose Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 That's fine to say. What about the husband feeling trapped? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gallah Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 That's fine to say. What about the husband feeling trapped? I think the point is that at the moment the wife DOES feel trapped. If the family move then yes, the husband MIGHT feel trapped but who knows until they give it a try? Being at home with little ones makes you feel very, very trapped and isolated if you have no one near and making new friends is really hard when you are feeling homesick, down, trying to work with naps etc... as well as possibly having PND. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophie98 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 One thing though- without your permission I don't think your wife could take your son to UK. It would be classed as child abduction. Actually, either parent can take a child anywhere. The only way it can be stopped is if there is a removal order from the court, which is given to immigration. Then if the child is the child presents at outbound immigration, an alert is triggered and the federal police intervene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Notts Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Actually, either parent can take a child anywhere. The only way it can be stopped is if there is a removal order from the court, which is given to immigration. Then if the child is the child presents at outbound immigration, an alert is triggered and the federal police intervene They might be able to take them, but the remaining parent would likely be able to get a court order ordering the child's return. If the new country of residence is a signatory to The Hague Convention on child abduction then the court order would be enforceable there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 They might be able to take them, but the remaining parent would likely be able to get a court order ordering the child's return. If the new country of residence is a signatory to The Hague Convention on child abduction then the court order would be enforceable there. You are completely correct on this as it has been done many times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 My DF and I had a discussion a couple of days ago and decided we'd both like to move back in a few years. I guess most of our difficulties here are financial but as Chortlepuss rightly said, even if DF had the best job in the world I would still want to move back. Our life here is nothing compared to the one we left behind. My biggest worry is how we're ever going to do it as it would mean applying for a spouse visa - we have very little savings and a baby daughter, no options for an ancestry visa at all. It's looking very bleak for me at the moment unless something radical happens, which I doubt. I feel your pain hopefully in the future the rules will change some what to make situations like yours,ours and others a little easier to get to where we want to be. Hugs for you and your family.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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