It all went wrong!!!

[Lakaal]

Well 8 years planning To go and off we went to Melbourne at the beginning of jan on a 189 visa. first week we arrived into a Heatwave 48 degrees crazy hot. Stayed with friends for a few weeks then took over there lease. Big mistake as was in an area we couldn't afford to settle so couldn't start 8 ur old in school. First 2 weeks I was traumatised the goodbyes were alot harder than I thought. My parents were inconsolable on Skype and as we were so unsettled I made the mistake of saying wasn't mad about oz. So they were delights thinking we wouldn't stay. Roll on a few weeks found lovely house lovely area. Settled oldest in school but couldn't find childcare youngest 2. So I began to work full time and oh minded kids which is the opposite to what we have done for 8 years, but needed the money. Left house 6.30 in morning and home at 7 in the evening. I became desperately homesick. It consumed my whole days. I would cry alot desperately missed home. I could see no way out and books flights home to the dismay of my husband and kids who loved oz. it was purely selfish but I was really really consumed with homesickness. We had some great times in melbourne but it was all shadowed by my desire to return home.

So we all arrived home 2 weeks ago to the delight of my family and friends. My husband has said he now wants to go asleep and never wake up he is so depressed. My eldest daughter cries for her australian friends as school and my son just constantly is looking for playgrounds where we live now there are none. I wake every morning thinking oh my god what have I done , biggest mistake of my life. If I could fly back tomorrow I would. I miss the adventure of it all together, the good times we had, the opportunities, tge promise of a future. We now have no jobs potentially for a few more weeks, no money and worst of all we feel no future. My husband wants to go back as soon as we get money for flights, I would too if not for breaking my poor parent hearts again. We are still paying rent on our place in oz as hasn't rented yet and we are still in lease, plus paying rent here and a mortgage

 

I am sure we have broken a record for not only shortest immigration ever but bigger mistake makers ever.

I hope someone can learn a lesson from this as it is the worse situation ever. Will never be happy here again after seeing whats over there and will never be able to break my families heart agin by going again.

[thinker78]

how long are your pr visas valid for? have you still got a few years left? if so, time to breathe and make choices again. you are definitely not the only ones to have made a short migration story, many on here have done the same. but, there's no easy answer i'm afraid. many people make the mistake of going at the first sign of homesickness. but, if you are that close to your parents, you perhaps underestimated the effect of this longer term. you do have a choice to go back; but you'd have to leave your parents. also don't look at oz with rose tinted glasses- life is life in many places, both countries have good and bad, both need people to work, often 2 jobs etc. you must feel pretty responsible for things right now, but think you should sit down with your parents and hubby and thrash it out a bit. maybe set a time line. but for now, you are in the uk, you need money, jobs, kids need some stability. see if you can work out a time line etc. there's no easy answer. yes, maybe you should have stayed a bit longer, but you can't change what happened. good luck.

[Lakaal]

Thanks so much for the reply it really helps to get an outsiders perspective. Yes visas are valid until October 2018 which is great but also a curse aswell. I can imagine until oct 2018 our life is going to be so confused as to stay or go. I do feel desperately responsible and also that I cannot be honest with my parents at all. My mam rang this morning asking me are you thinking of going back you wouldn't put us through that again I hope. Truly truly depressing situation wish truly that I never qualified for a visa.

[thinker78]

Thanks so much for the reply it really helps to get an outsiders perspective. Yes visas are valid until October 2018 which is great but also a curse aswell. I can imagine until oct 2018 our life is going to be so confused as to stay or go. I do feel desperately responsible and also that I cannot be honest with my parents at all. My mam rang this morning asking me are you thinking of going back you wouldn't put us through that again I hope. Truly truly depressing situation wish truly that I never qualified for a visa.

 

 

well.....give yourselves a pat on the back for organising a move back so quickly! you've got ages left on the PR visas; as much as parental guilt is horrendous (speaking from experience)...long term it could not stop you. if you choose to stay near your parents, that's valid. things are still raw and need to die down before you introduce the idea that you may, possibly, within the next couple of years, decide to give oz a go again.

 

a lot of people work to the idea that they will stay long enough to get aussie citizenship, which at present has a 4 year residency requirement. this at least is a good aim as you could aim for that, and then know you can leave again when your parents are ageing.

 

for now, take a breather, hopefully get rid of that melbourne rental and focus on the next few months. important to keep the lines open with hubby- a lot of people have been in your boat re one person wanting to come back and one not, but have manged to salvage it.

 

now go and put the kettle on and focus on what you're going to do this summer....plan something nice x

[MovingtoTasmania]

Lakaal, I'm so sorry to hear of what happened. It feels almost as if you felt that there was nowhere for you to turn and certainly sounds as if mentioning doubts to your parents, would have had them jumping on them immediately and reaffirming to you that it was a mistake, whereas I feel that had you had some more support, things might have taken a different turn.

 

Take some time now to ground yourself and think about whether it's really Australia you want. You can always return later as you have time left on your visa xx

[blobby1000]

I think your parents are being a bit selfish to be honest. Yes emigrating is a fundamentally selfish thing to do, and I always struggled with the guilt associated with that, but it's your life and you can't spend it pleasing others at the expense of yourself. Of course they love you and will miss you but I wouldn't stop my kids doing what makes them happy (and please quote me on that in 20 years!)

 

'YOU WOULDNT PUT US THROUGH THAT AGAIN' just sounds like emotional blackmail to me. I don't think you need to be any more honest with your parents as it sounds like they know you want to go back anyway! If you want to go back then I wouldn't bother waiting around to find jobs in the UK you better just bite the bullet!

 

where did you live in Melbourne by the way?

 

having said all that....what it may do to my ageing Mum is one of the many reasons I wouldn't go back...although (and I'm sorry to be smug) I know she would support whatever choice we made. I do understand your difficult situation and hope you find a good resolution one way or the other.

[jack13]

I think you should have stuck it out in Aus. Sure I missed people, but Melbourne is the best city in the world.

[Lakaal]

Thanks guys - have me in tears here so nice to get some positive feedback. You could say I feel my parents pushed us back - they actually paid for our flights home which pushed evertyhting forward. However I am a 37 yr old woman, married with 3 children and should have stood my ground so can't fully blame them either. We lived in mornington which was stunning, got the perfect house we could only ever have dreamed off.

My husband is very philosophical and understands there are good things in both countries and bad in each also. He is 100 percent convinced our future lies in oz and our children will have far better childhood and teenage years in oz. I upon returning now in hindsight agree with him. We have returned to ireland and things although people say have picked up are still quite depressing compared to oz.

I feel people are laughing at us here now alot of people are saying ah now see you have come running back, the grass isn't always greener etc. I am not too bothered but feel guilty for putting my own family husband and children in this situation where people are laughing at us in a way.

But you are right I think time for a breather let things settle and try to keep husband from jumping on te next plane out.

In my mind I think though if home was for us why would we be feeling so depressed about it all from day one of returning we should have been delighted to be back.

[Lakaal]

Agree fully jack13 exactly how I feel thanks for that.

[blobby1000]

Makes it even harder that they paid for your flights!

Parents can be a bit of a pain in the arse!!

[Rupert]

Yes as above, there is no point crying over spilt milk, l think you need to focus on what to do from here. I have a few random thoughts based upon what you have said.

 

The first one is that you probably need to isolate what your parents are saying to you, I don't mean ignore the fact that you are moving away from family altogether, that is definitely something you need to weigh up, but do that yourself and don't let others pressure or guilt you into any decision.

 

Second thing is that for emigration to work, both halves of a couple need to be up for it. You don't have to be up for it in equal measure, but you do need to both want to do it and want it to work. If one of you is bullied and cajoled into a decision, I think it is doomed from the start and possibly puts the marriage at risk. If you are both of a different opinion, then I think that the one who wants to stay in UK trumps. This is on the basis that it is far more unkind to drag someone away to a foreign country than it is for the other to remain at home where they have always lived and where is familiar.

 

My final thought is that you need and needed a pact! Always my top tip for any couple or family embarking upon this journey. Before you go, make a pact and commit to it. The pact is about what you do if one or even both of you are unhappy and unsettled. Our pact was that we would stick at it until citizenship, there was a break pact available in the case of severe unhappiness, distress or depression, but for general homesickness or unsettledness, we agreed to stick at it for four years. Our commitment to each other, left me in no doubt that the pact would stand and we respect each other enough for that. If you have a pact that you are both going to commit to, then it means that hasty decisions you might regret can be avoided. You also have it as a safety net.

[MovingtoTasmania]

It really sounds like you are depressed and I don't feel that you should make any plans right now either way x

[Guest Andy]

I think your parents are being a bit selfish to be honest. Yes emigrating is a fundamentally selfish thing to do, and I always struggled with the guilt associated with that, but it's your life and you can't spend it pleasing others at the expense of yourself. Of course they love you and will miss you but I wouldn't stop my kids doing what makes them happy (and please quote me on that in 20 years!)

 

'YOU WOULDNT PUT US THROUGH THAT AGAIN' just sounds like emotional blackmail to me. I don't think you need to be any more honest with your parents as it sounds like they know you want to go back anyway! If you want to go back then I wouldn't bother waiting around to find jobs in the UK you better just bite the bullet!

 

where did you live in Melbourne by the way?

 

having said all that....what it may do to my ageing Mum is one of the many reasons I wouldn't go back...although (and I'm sorry to be smug) I know she would support whatever choice we made. I do understand your difficult situation and hope you find a good resolution one way or the other.

I gree with blobby on this I think your parents should perhaps look at things through your perspective, your husbands and your kids not through their own. Your first responsibility is to them and it seems to me that they want to be back in Australia where they were happy. I know you were not happy there as you missed your family but that may well have changed in time, the trouble with leaving it until 2018 is that your parents will be older and perhaps leaning on you even more. For the sake of your husbands and children's happiness I personally would be looking perhaps to go back before the opportunity passes you by. Sorry if you did not want to hear that by the way.

[thinker78]

It really sounds like you are depressed and I don't feel that you should make any plans right now either way x

 

a pact is the best idea ie we give ireland 12 months and then decide etc- but if your goal is to get citizenship in oz then that's a viable time frame for your parents ie 'we want our children to have the choice in the future so we're going for 4 years to get citizenship etc' maybe?

 

i have no answers as i do not believe that it's the best place for kids, i think all places have problems, drugs, crimes, **** schools, good schools, university fees, bullying, good weather, bad weather- honestly, as long as you are lucky enough not to be raising them in a developing or war torn country, you're pretty lucky with similar opportunities. i'm saying this after 9 years here and reasoning out that it's actually better (for me) and my child to spend time with the parents whilst they are still alive.

 

however, i am very glad i got citizenship before i up sticks and move back to the UK. i simply never wanted to be left without options, and whatever happens to me, my little girl can live wherever she wants.

 

a pact and time frame- lots of talking and an agreement! good luck!

[Ribbon Katie]

Feeling for you as I am in a similar sort of position - only arrived in Oz in September and not feeling very settled and have ended up with full time job, which wasn't the plan as we have children and wanted to work part time. Everyone loves it here except me and oh yes my widowed father who is 84 tells me everytime I skype that 'Life's not the same now you've gone'. A mother's guilt/daughter's guilt never leaves us!

 

Don't make any hasty decisions.....just yet ....and try not to let your dilemma overtake your lives.

[blobby1000]

I think you should have stuck it out in Aus. Sure I missed people, but Melbourne is the best city in the world.

 

So, going back to your original post, what you are suggesting is that the DIAC should be able to make a prediction on who will feel homesick and who will not?

 

That sounds quite reasonable. I wish that policy has been in place in 2010, it would have saved me a fortune.

[blobby1000]

Incidentally I reckon you should leave the rude comments on here because the rest of us will support the OP and it's just the rude poster that looks silly

[Phoenix16]

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you! I think you've had some great advice on here so I won't pontificate. I will just share with you that I emigrated at the age of 39, after just having my one and only child and my parents one and only grandchild, the grandchild they never really thought they would have. it felt terrible to take that all away from them, but I will say that they have been great about it all and have been able to put their own feelings aside. my Dad actually had the opportunity to emigrate in the 60's and decided not to because of extended family which he regrets so much so I think he understood. my Mum had not flown for 20 years when we emigrated, through deep fears, she booked straight onto a fear of flying course, and has got on many flights since to come and visit and see her grand daughter grow up, we have never had any words of recrimination yet you do still beat yourself up and worry but I just think that my family is my husband and my daughter and we have to do what is right for us.

 

I wish you all the very best, have no regrets, just look forward, know what you want and work towards it xxxxxx

[blobby1000]

Yes as above, there is no point crying over spilt milk, l think you need to focus on what to do from here. I have a few random thoughts based upon what you have said.

 

The first one is that you probably need to isolate what your parents are saying to you, I don't mean ignore the fact that you are moving away from family altogether, that is definitely something you need to weigh up, but do that yourself and don't let others pressure or guilt you into any decision.

 

Second thing is that for emigration to work, both halves of a couple need to be up for it. You don't have to be up for it in equal measure, but you do need to both want to do it and want it to work. If one of you is bullied and cajoled into a decision, I think it is doomed from the start and possibly puts the marriage at risk. If you are both of a different opinion, then I think that the one who wants to stay in UK trumps. This is on the basis that it is far more unkind to drag someone away to a foreign country than it is for the other to remain at home where they have always lived and where is familiar.

 

My final thought is that you need and needed a pact! Always my top tip for any couple or family embarking upon this journey. Before you go, make a pact and commit to it. The pact is about what you do if one or even both of you are unhappy and unsettled. Our pact was that we would stick at it until citizenship, there was a break pact available in the case of severe unhappiness, distress or depression, but for general homesickness or unsettledness, we agreed to stick at it for four years. Our commitment to each other, left me in no doubt that the pact would stand and we respect each other enough for that. If you have a pact that you are both going to commit to, then it means that hasty decisions you might regret can be avoided. You also have it as a safety net.

 

This is an excellent idea. We should have had a pact like this

[dxboz]

Oh dear OP your parents are being very selfish which did not help your situation. Try and take a breather and then focus on what is important to you and your family. Trying not to go off track here but Blobby I feel sad you are back on this board posting these posts when your posts when you were here you hated Australia and everything Australian. Same advice to you - take a breather - time out you don't have to make any big decisions just live and try and enjoy

[Lakaal]

Thanks everyone for the support and advice. Yes a pact would have been a good idea and we will def do this if returning. My poor husband I think this time was just at a loss seeing me so unhappy. he blames himself for not standing up to me and saying no. we had originally committed to giving it 2 years but I Really underestimated how homesick I would feel - but my advice to anyone don't make hasty decisions like me as we are now in an even bigger mess!!

Its gas I have in the past read posts on poms in oz and said I will never feel like that or that won't happen to me but I think it has all happened!!! The homesickness then the regret when getting back - I have just managed somehow to squeeze it all into 4 months.

Blobby1000 you made me laugh with the parents can be a pain comment cheered me up

ribbon Katie hope you figure out what's best for you- the guilt is awful but then the guilt I feel here for my own family is equally awful.

[Guest km75]

Well 8 years planning To go and off we went to Melbourne at the beginning of jan on a 189 visa. first week we arrived into a Heatwave 48 degrees crazy hot. Stayed with friends for a few weeks then took over there lease. Big mistake as was in an area we couldn't afford to settle so couldn't start 8 ur old in school. First 2 weeks I was traumatised the goodbyes were alot harder than I thought. My parents were inconsolable on Skype and as we were so unsettled I made the mistake of saying wasn't mad about oz. So they were delights thinking we wouldn't stay. Roll on a few weeks found lovely house lovely area. Settled oldest in school but couldn't find childcare youngest 2. So I began to work full time and oh minded kids which is the opposite to what we have done for 8 years, but needed the money. Left house 6.30 in morning and home at 7 in the evening. I became desperately homesick. It consumed my whole days. I would cry alot desperately missed home. I could see no way out and books flights home to the dismay of my husband and kids who loved oz. it was purely selfish but I was really really consumed with homesickness. We had some great times in melbourne but it was all shadowed by my desire to return home.

So we all arrived home 2 weeks ago to the delight of my family and friends. My husband has said he now wants to go asleep and never wake up he is so depressed. My eldest daughter cries for her australian friends as school and my son just constantly is looking for playgrounds where we live now there are none. I wake every morning thinking oh my god what have I done , biggest mistake of my life. If I could fly back tomorrow I would. I miss the adventure of it all together, the good times we had, the opportunities, tge promise of a future. We now have no jobs potentially for a few more weeks, no money and worst of all we feel no future. My husband wants to go back as soon as we get money for flights, I would too if not for breaking my poor parent hearts again. We are still paying rent on our place in oz as hasn't rented yet and we are still in lease, plus paying rent here and a mortgage

 

I am sure we have broken a record for not only shortest immigration ever but bigger mistake makers ever.

I hope someone can learn a lesson from this as it is the worse situation ever. Will never be happy here again after seeing whats over there and will never be able to break my families heart agin by going again.

 

Really feel for you, I know my first six months were my toughest, I would randomly burst into tears and used to say if someone offered me a ticket home I would have jumped on the plane in a heartbeat. After five years (in 2008) we reluctantly returned to the UK, as I wanted our children to get to know my parents. The whole time we were back in the UK I wanted to be back in Sydney, but then in 2012 my dad died so we stayed for another year, and we finally returned back to Sydney in Jan 2014, now we're here, we're so settled and happy, but I am so torn about leaving my mum - have kind of decided to return next August (when mum turns 80) as can't handle being so far away from her when she needs us most.

Life of a ping ponger....

[Quoll]

Oh sweetie (((hugs))) Deep breaths and stand still and calm down before you even think about making another life altering decision!

 

Unfortunately you are now apparently (and probably in their eyes) indebted to your parents financially. Given what they have said thus far they are going to use that as a stick to beat you with (not nice but circumstances suggest it).

 

On the plus side, you haven't lost an opportunity - you've got 4 years to sort yourself out. Either you will feel you are prepared for a return by that time or you aren't. Sure it's a bit of a burden but it's also a safety net and life is so much easier when you have a safety net! Your kids will still be of a reasonable age in 4 yrs or, if you can achieve your goals maybe 12 months or 2 years.

 

So - where to from here? I'd suggest your DH going to see the GP - depression is a real barrier to making sensible decisions and achieving goals. Couples counselling to help you work through this together and come up with a plan that works for you. Set a time frame for clearing your debt to your parents (then they can't use it as ammunition) and building up some savings so you could return, if that is how you feel at that Decision Time with some financial comfort. Try and move away from where you are now - there have to be places with more playgrounds!

 

Remember that your time in Australia caused you so much angst that you felt the need to flee from it - don't beat yourself up about that, you made the best decision you could with the information available to you at the time. Nothing you can do about it except move forward, build yourself up emotionally, socially and financially and make this an opportunity to flex your self sufficient muscles so that if your decision is to move, that you won't be bereft at the loss of your extended family. This is a great opportunity itself!

[wattsy1982]

Hi Lakaal,

 

Just read you first post.....what can i say. I can feel you pain, and regret and frustration through your words.

 

We are currently on the Gold Coast, been here 10 months and we (mainly me but now also my wife) are up and down and considering returning to the UK...family, friends and familiarity the main reasons.

 

We made a 'pact' if you like that we would try and stick it for 2 years to justify the cost and paperwork involved to get here then see after that...BUT if one of us was unhappy after that time we would all (our 2 kids also, 2 years and 4 1/2 years) return as the one who liked aus could settle better back in the uk than the other one ever could in oz.

 

The whole '2 years' makes perfect sense, especially as we are already 10 months into it, tie is flying, neither of us are depressed yet and we have 24 month contracts on mobiles and internet etc.....BUT when homesickness days occur 4-5 a week at present for me the whole '2 years' things seems a lifetime and totally irrelvant if you are unhappy.

 

I will say this though...as much as I would love to go home, I am scared/apprehensive of making the wrong decision....so i guess the pull isnt THAT great just yet.

 

gone off the rails a bit here but after all said and done I do still feel in my heart of hearts that long term (maybe not the immediate 2-5 years) our life is/will be/would be better all round in the UK....family being a big part for my kids.

 

anyway, for you, I guess you could look at it 2 ways...DONT rush into another move back here and risk another mistake as a nee jerk reaction of you last 'mistake' OR you could look at it as "we need jobs....so why not just get back on the horse (plane to Aus) find a job here and move back in to the rental you are still paying for. Even if you have to still pay for your UK rental too you are no worse off...infact you would probably be better off as I would hazard a guess that your melbourne rental is more than your UK one so you would at least be benefitting from paying the double rent (as you would be living in the more expensive house) plus you would no doubt end up earning more in Aus to compensate the double rent.

 

I doubt this has helped at all as i have given reasons got both but hey...I just kept typing.

 

Keep us posted on how things go.

 

Chin Up

 

Dan

[grahamffc]

It could be worth bearing in mind that you were in Melbourne at the height of summer. While winters are milder than the uk you won't be wearing shorts and t shirts again until January. If you were depressed in February I can't imagine winter being easy.

 

From the sounds of it there is far more to this than the weather but it might be worth thinking about when those rose tinted glasses are on.