samdom1 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Hi All, Please can I ask for some advice...my family and I are all set to leave the UK in 12 weeks time and are of course fliiting from nervousness to excited hysteria :arghh:... We have all often talked about the nervousness and how emotional we feel, but one thing non of us have expected, that perhaps we should have given more thought to is the changing relationships of friends, we have encountered friends who act as though we've already left and have stopped calling, inviting us out etcc...and TBH we a bit foxed:unsure: and unsure of what to do?? We have tried talking about it...but then it happens again ?? We could easily disregard it and think....bu@@er it! but we really dont want to leave on any kind of bad note....any advice please would be greatly recieved!:wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest 47403 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Hi All,Please can I ask for some advice...my family and I are all set to leave the UK in 12 weeks time and are of course fliiting from nervousness to excited hysteria :arghh:... We have all often talked about the nervousness and how emotional we feel, but one thing non of us have expected, that perhaps we should have given more thought to is the changing relationships of friends, we have encountered friends who act as though we've already left and have stopped calling, inviting us out etcc...and TBH we a bit foxed:unsure: and unsure of what to do?? We have tried talking about it...but then it happens again ?? We could easily disregard it and think....bu@@er it! but we really dont want to leave on any kind of bad note....any advice please would be greatly recieved!:wubclub: I wouldn't worry about it to much your not going to be around to be invited out etc soon enough perhaps people are preparing themselves, friendships move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Maybe, without being aware of it, you are talking too much about going to Australia, and your friends are sick of it, or envious, or both? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samdom1 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Thanks and your right we wont be around soon enough to even be invited, and we are trying really hard not to bore people stupid, we've stopped talking about it to some friends and only really mention it when others as....I think its all part of the transition process of moving away that we hadnt thought about and didnt expect from friends of fifteen plus years.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest30085 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Nope, you're not alone. My friends have known for years that I've wanted to move so it wasn't a shock to them. But since I got my visa towards the end of last year then it's been a complete lack of contact from some. I understand it may be envy, or it may be the case that you won't be around in the future or that they may in fact miss you and don't know how to deal/respond to it. But life carries on here until you move and when in the new country so does that mean they will not be around to offer (even a cyber) shoulder to cry on. I know who will keep in touch with me regardless, and those that won't. I can't wait for the day when certain people tell me excitedly that they are coming to Oz to visit ..... I will be pointing them in the direction of a hotel and a car hire company Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 You are moving to the other side of the world, your friendships are going to move on, some people just start that process early. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Maybe I did the same thing myself, or maybe I just did not have any friends to bore in the first place?! I can't remember. Good friends will stay in contact with you, although you will have to make the effort not to forget them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I find it frustrating when people don't want to listen to you and the things you are doing to achieve the visa. My family never ask, they wont even ask me how uni is going. They ignore everything I say if it is Australia related, when we have achieved a milestone and want to share it with someone. I find it so selfish, because I feel that true friends or family should share with you anything you choose to do as long as it makes you happy. I try to avoid the subject now, and keep everything to myself so that when the time comes, in conversation Ill just say "sorry we leave next week". Then when they ask why we hadn't told them, we will tell them its because they weren't interested. I think friendship should be a two way thing. I would do anything to support my friends, but I am learning thick and fast that this emigrating malarkey is dividing my friends into true friends and selfish friends. With the move not too far away, I went onto facebook and culled around 2/3rds of my friends list, because I knew deep down I never associated with some of these people, and neither would they be there for me if I needed them. This emigrating malarkey, brings up a lot of strange feelings/thoughts. I do feel quite alienated at times. I live in my own bubble. Luckily I found someone on here from uni who has the same dream, someone in my cohort but we had never spoke. So we spend our days boring each other with the fine details ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I agree with MARYROSE02, the whole process and build up is quite life dominating and you could inadvertently have alienated yourself from your friends by focusing so much on it. Perhaps you yourself are the problem, and sadly in this situation there is nothing you can do because this is your life decision, not theirs. When it comes down to it, you are making a selfish decision by moving away and you need to accept that and ensure that your immediate family unit remains your focus. I know this seems blunt, but as a habitual expat with a realistic view on life, I accepted this a long time ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louisella Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 It could well be their coping mechanism in terms of adapting to life without you physically being there as much. Don't forget, even though it is you and your family making the actual move, there will be a level of adjustment in their lives. They may also feel you're too busy tying up loose ends to go out on social events (especially if you have understandably been talking about it a lot) so perhaps they're trying to help by not inviting you so that, in their minds, you don't feel bad in having to say no. Try not to dwell on it too much as I imagine (or would hope) that none of it is out of malice, for some this could be the first time they've had to deal with friends emmigrating and they may just not know how to handle it. As Rupert has said, friendships will move on (I found this even just moving from one end of the country to another never mind to the other side of the world) but it's just a natural progression of your lives x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samdom1 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 I agree with MARYROSE02, the whole process and build up is quite life dominating and you could inadvertently have alienated yourself from your friends by focusing so much on it. Perhaps you yourself are the problem, and sadly in this situation there is nothing you can do because this is your life decision, not theirs. When it comes down to it, you are making a selfish decision by moving away and you need to accept that and ensure that your immediate family unit remains your focus. I know this seems blunt, but as a habitual expat with a realistic view on life, I accepted this a long time ago. Yeah maybe your right...inadvertently perhaps we have made a space....btw i appreciate honesty/blunt approach. Its just sad that this happened and i suppose something we hadnt expected :confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vickyplum Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Maybe they don't know what to say or they feel awkward. Not making excuses but not everyone knows what to say, what words to use, at the right time... :huh: Hi All,Please can I ask for some advice...my family and I are all set to leave the UK in 12 weeks time and are of course fliiting from nervousness to excited hysteria :arghh:... We have all often talked about the nervousness and how emotional we feel, but one thing non of us have expected, that perhaps we should have given more thought to is the changing relationships of friends, we have encountered friends who act as though we've already left and have stopped calling, inviting us out etcc...and TBH we a bit foxed:unsure: and unsure of what to do?? We have tried talking about it...but then it happens again ?? We could easily disregard it and think....bu@@er it! but we really dont want to leave on any kind of bad note....any advice please would be greatly recieved!:wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedBrit Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Hi samdom1 We move out a couple of weeks before you and are experiencing similar things. Some of our friends are in touch more, want to see us more, making the most of the time we have left together. Others are already starting to distance themselves - this goes for family too. I have been very careful to not discuss our move with people because when we first approached the subject 18 months ago, it went down like a lead balloon! So, we've made sure we've shared information but not gone on and on about our plans and "new life" etc. I think it's the same with family and friends, they don't know how to deal with it. Some will really miss you, others will think you are selfish, some will be envious, or worse jealous! But we spend our lives evolving and friends will always come and go - it just takes big milestones in your life to find out which ones are true. As upsetting as it is for you to be experiencing this with old friends who you thought you were close to - you have a huge change coming up and plenty of other things to spend your time thinking and worrying about! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 My 'best friend' of 20yrs stopped talking to me completely and still doesnt..I didnt go on about aus to her as i tend not to talk about things in detail until its definitely happening..ie stepping on the plane but she knew it was my plan and about 3 months before we left she text and asked if i was definitely going..i said yes and we haven't spoke since..weird for her kids as i was godmother too...I sent her a quick note saying goodbye before we left but didn't dwell on it. .i would be in aus n never see her anyway. .ppl change..our lives change..new ppl to meet....also her dad died last month...she never told me..strange but true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beddy Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Maybe you have a farewell get -to- gether with friends ..as low key or upbeat as you see fit...this may provide an opportunity for your friends to express their true feelings to you ... but to be honest true friends wont need this and will be come what may .....I wud be focussing on family at this stage as they will matter most to you in the end ....your true friends will show in the end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Londongal76 Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 When i was 24 i went and lived in Cape Town for a year. I found out very quickly then that a lot of the people I considered friends were really nothing more than acquaintances. Barely any kept in touch or replied when I tried to stay in touch. Yet my best friend moved back to Oz 2 years ago and we're in touch whenever we have time. Be it by facebook, text, facetime. Sure it's not every day but our friendship hasn't changed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samdom1 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Thanks everybody for your replies...i suppose we simply hadnt given it enough thought. One or two friends have been really lovely just by being normal..others just plain strange?! We are thinking.... oh well! Onward and upward :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack13 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I wouldn't worry about it. Mine were the same with me. But I think a lot of its jelousy. However after I'd gone they all came crawling back. Its funny how people dont know what theyv'e got until its gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 They are mourning your loss to them- early. They know you won't be around for them so are probably thinking, 'what's the use?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Hi All,Please can I ask for some advice...my family and I are all set to leave the UK in 12 weeks time and are of course fliiting from nervousness to excited hysteria :arghh:... We have all often talked about the nervousness and how emotional we feel, but one thing non of us have expected, that perhaps we should have given more thought to is the changing relationships of friends, we have encountered friends who act as though we've already left and have stopped calling, inviting us out etcc...and TBH we a bit foxed:unsure: and unsure of what to do?? We have tried talking about it...but then it happens again ?? We could easily disregard it and think....bu@@er it! but we really dont want to leave on any kind of bad note....any advice please would be greatly recieved!:wubclub: A similar thing thing happened to us. I think it's a coping mechanism on their part and we dealt with it by ignoring it! We kept arranging nights out and then threw a party before we left. Most people came to it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Hi All,Please can I ask for some advice...my family and I are all set to leave the UK in 12 weeks time and are of course fliiting from nervousness to excited hysteria :arghh:... We have all often talked about the nervousness and how emotional we feel, but one thing non of us have expected, that perhaps we should have given more thought to is the changing relationships of friends, we have encountered friends who act as though we've already left and have stopped calling, inviting us out etcc...and TBH we a bit foxed:unsure: and unsure of what to do?? We have tried talking about it...but then it happens again ?? We could easily disregard it and think....bu@@er it! but we really dont want to leave on any kind of bad note....any advice please would be greatly recieved!:wubclub: It's part of the exile's curse I'm afraid. You break through the bubble and in many cases the bubble re-seals behind you. Life goes on for those you left behind and the reality for most of us is that we are wrapped up in our everyday lives to the exclusion of a lot of other stuff. I can remember telling my family that we were moving out to Australia. With my partner being Australian they weren't surprised that she wanted to go home, and they knew I wasn't keen. After a few polite questions to my OH, they changed the subject to what was on the tv that night!. It might have been that they didn't want to dwell upon something that I'd been dreading (i.e.,moving to Australia) or it could have been that they just weren't that interested. After all, most Brits don't intend to move to Australia and it doesn't command the appeal that it has for PIO members. For them, it's just another country in the world, albeit, one where for some, family or friends have chosen to move to. I reckon your relationships will be fine in time. You'll probably reassess who's important to you and make the effort to stay in touch with them. Others, inevitably, will slip away. Good luck :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joebloggs Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I wouldn't worry about it. Mine were the same with me. But I think a lot of its jelousy. However after I'd gone they all came crawling back. Its funny how people dont know what theyv'e got until its gone. Really? I thought you were just on holiday which is a bit different than emigrating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samdom1 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 It's part of the exile's curse I'm afraid. You break through the bubble and in many cases the bubble re-seals behind you. Life goes on for those you left behind and the reality for most of us is that we are wrapped up in our everyday lives to the exclusion of a lot of other stuff. I can remember telling my family that we were moving out to Australia. With my partner being Australian they weren't surprised that she wanted to go home, and they knew I wasn't keen. After a few polite questions to my OH, they changed the subject to what was on the tv that night!. It might have been that they didn't want to dwell upon something that I'd been dreading (i.e.,moving to Australia) or it could have been that they just weren't that interested. After all, most Brits don't intend to move to Australia and it doesn't command the appeal that it has for PIO members. For them, it's just another country in the world, albeit, one where for some, family or friends have chosen to move to. I reckon your relationships will be fine in time. You'll probably reassess who's important to you and make the effort to stay in touch with them. Others, inevitably, will slip away. Good luck :smile: Thank you.... your right we will probably reassess whose important like you mentioned and make the effort to stay in touch. I think the surprises certainly have been our oldest friends but after giving it all lots of thought (and all the brilliant advice from PIO pals) im sure we'll be fine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack13 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Really? I thought you were just on holiday which is a bit different than emigrating. yer but they all know that if I met someone I'd stay. And I think they were happy for me if it does happen but also very sad to loose me. But whose to say that won't happen next time round? I am quite a catch :biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Your friends should be happy for you you're making a better life for yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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