Counting Stars Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Maybe he doesn't have any? I've been married to my husband nearly 10 years and never met his dad (only lives in Spain lol) he doesn't talk to any of his UK family. I would give him a couple of days, see what is going on with him and try and get a straight answer. If not then sadly I agree with a lot of the others that maybe he's changed his mind. Does annoy me though why can't he just come out and say it if that is the case xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tappers2oz Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Maybe he doesn't have any? I've been married to my husband nearly 10 years and never met his dad (only lives in Spain lol) he doesn't talk to any of his UK family. I would give him a couple of days, see what is going on with him and try and get a straight answer. If not then sadly I agree with a lot of the others that maybe he's changed his mind. Does annoy me though why can't he just come out and say it if that is the case xx I'd be fuming if I was told I'd get an answer 'in a few days'. Simple yes or no I would have thought. I doubt he's only just suddenly been thinking about your relationship so I don't get why he needs more time. Doesn't sound promising. :-/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 As one book closes another opens and you need a new book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 So this guy gets to stay in his own home,presumably holding down a job and so on,whilst you get to leave your home,job, maybe family and friends,and then you get told to stay put for a few days while he thinks things over????? I think if I were you hon,even if this guy comes to the party with the papers,think carefully about leaving all you know behind.You don't know someone that well,until you live with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garyupnorth Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Get in there first and dump him, he is out celebrating new year and your in limbo over the festive period....how cruel, dump him and move on, he isn't worth the heart ache. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 There is a book called He is just not into me, my daughter had it at one time. Interesting read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest littlesarah Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I'm married to a man who is incredibly shy & who also has a tendency to indecision. However, when it comes to our relationship there was never any doubt that I could see - he wanted to be with me more than anything. That's how it should be, in my view. No one needs to 'think' about whether their life is better with someone they truly love in it. I won't castigate the guy, because he's quite possibly not doing this on purpose, but I would not be with a man who wasn't totally sure they felt the same. Having what I do now, I've realised how easy it is to waste time & energy on something that is ultimately pointless. How you proceed is up to you, but make sure you value yourself & expect those you care about to do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peccavi Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 It is always interesting to read the different views on this type of situation, and I only hope talking about it is helping in some small way. My view is the same/different! Five years; its been five years, with four visits, and yet you have not met his family (if he hasn't got family, then surely this would have come up-with all due respect, he seems to be good at excuses). Five years. Control of a situation that concerns both of you should be had-by both of you. But he has the control-and you have completely lost control of your own future. (I am a little sceptical of the illness thing as well). I would personally get that control back. it's the 'if you love something set it free...' type scenario. Email him and tell him that the situation has confused and distressed you, because you don't feel that you have any say in the decision making process. Then tell him you are taking a break because of this. If he emails you, I would ignore him, and continue to ignore him, until you feel you have some input into the situation. The hard fact is that such an act would also be a test of commitment. If you don't get any emails-and that continued-then you have your answer. If he repeatedly emailed you, it would show him that he has strong feelings for you. He needs to see that. Or you need to see he has not. By holding on to the current situation, you have a large slice of nothing,-except stress and unhappiness. Best wishes to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pommyaussie Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I wish you all the best as it can't be easy feeling like this especially after investing into the relationship for 5 years. However - the facts are you've had a cyber relationship for all this time and have visited 4 times and not once met his family. Now he is asking for more time to make a decision and keeping you hanging on. I'm not convinced of his authenticity or his intentions and would personally want to know more before making that leap of faith. Are you Australian? Can you go to UK to live without requiring a spouse visa? Either way, personally I'd kick this guy to the curb if after 5 years he needs to think about it. His loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonathancowen Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 This is may be a silly post. I have been in Long distance relationship with an English man in the UK. It has been 5 years already. We agreed to do fiance visa for me and I will migrate to the UK next year. However, last night he told me he is confused and wants to hold the paperwork. In your opinion, especially men. Do you think it is just excuse for not getting together or he is just unsure. In this kind of situation, what should I react? I feel I am in deep pain now while everybody is celebrating the new year. I am just stuck at the back of the room and feeling lost. A long time ago I was in a long distence relationship with a girl I met in California. All was going well for about a year I guess then I started to lose interest, I didn't just phone up a say its off/over as (man logic) I felt that if I just pulled back a bit then she would already have a kind of easing in period into the breakup and not be completely suprised by it. I'm sure I'll get lots of flack from others for that but I'm just being honest. I always hoped that the relationship would work but in the end it seemed like to much hassle and that, I took as a sign that I didn't care enough for her. I only pulled back for a couple of weeks and then called it off, she was upset but we are still good friends. My advice, cut your loses now, it was I'm sure fun and its always nice to know that there is someone missing and caring about you but I have a sneaky feeling that you'll be happier with a partner who is right in front of you! so go out and enjoy this New year, if you meet someone tonight then get their number and see what happens, if not its get on a plane and suprise himi bunny boiler style ;-) Good luck J Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Englishlover Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 I wish you all the best as it can't be easy feeling like this especially after investing into the relationship for 5 years. However - the facts are you've had a cyber relationship for all this time and have visited 4 times and not once met his family. Now he is asking for more time to make a decision and keeping you hanging on. I'm not convinced of his authenticity or his intentions and would personally want to know more before making that leap of faith. Are you Australian? Can you go to UK to live without requiring a spouse visa? Either way, personally I'd kick this guy to the curb if after 5 years he needs to think about it. His loss. Hi PommieAussie Yes, I am an Australian. I can go there without applying visa and stay for 6 months without work permission. However, I do not want to go like a visitor again. I need the relationship to be progressed. The reason I have been with him (LDR) for 5 years because nobody is better than him. I know that he might have commitment problem. He had only 2 gfs in his life before he met me and it was only few months last long. I am just trying to understand him and hope he will eventually get out of the fears he has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tappers2oz Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Hi PommieAussie Yes, I am an Australian. I can go there without applying visa and stay for 6 months without work permission. However, I do not want to go like a visitor again. I need the relationship to be progressed. The reason I have been with him (LDR) for 5 years because nobody is better than him. I know that he might have commitment problem. He had only 2 gfs in his life before he met me and it was only few months last long. I am just trying to understand him and hope he will eventually get out of the fears he has. You may think that now, but on what you have written previously I would beg to disagree. You deserve someone who is going to give you 100% and it doesn't sound like you are getting that. Believe me I hope things work out however you want them to, but from someone who has been there/done that in relationships it sounds like there is most likely someone better for you. Someone who won't fob you off with "I am unwell and will think about it for a couple of days". That's him thinking about him, not you or you both as a couple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritChickx Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I think 5 years is a long long time for a LDR...if it was going some where it would have happened by now. He shouldn't need to think about it for a few days, he should know. Trust me if he wants you he'd have done anything to be with you by now. If you want to wait a few more days to see what he says then fine, but after that I would get rid of him. Easier said than done I know but you can't keep living like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 No one better than him?How about someone who would of spent the last 5 years with you "in person"?I'm going to tell you something about my past ok?Years ago when I was in my 20's,I met a guy (We both lived in Adelaide)and we started dating.He was living at home,I was house sharing.After a year of dating,my house share came to an end,and I decided to go it alone in a flat,with the view that my bf would probably want to live with me after a while.A year later....I'm still living by myself.We spoke about him moving in with me,but I'd always get fobbed off with "I'm not quite ready"line.In the meantime all our friends were moving on,living together,getting engaged/married,and tbh it got a little bit embarrassing for me.We'd be asked when out when was something "more concrete"going to happen?I'd look to my guy and he'd fob it off yet again!It actually started sapping my self confidence and I started to believe there was something wrong with me.So after 4 years of nothing happening,I got dumped!I spent a week heartbroken and then found someone else.That r/ship did'nt work out but you know what?It was fun at the time!A couple of months after I got dumped by the guy I was with for those 4 years,I got a Xmas card from him saying he'd always love me blah blah blah,I read the card and tore it to pieces with a smile on my face!:laugh:I'd moved on by then.And you know what????That guy is STILL single!!!!! He's 51!He still see's my Mum and sister occasionally down the local shops and.....always asks about me!I wasted 4 years of my life with that guy!I did learn something valuable though.Love holds no boundaries.If you love someone,there are NO excuses! Can I please ask why its taken the guy 5 years to make a decision?You're in this together right?Its up to both of you not just him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 You've met him 4 times and are thinking about marrying him and moving to the other side of the world to be with him? You barely know the guy and he barely knows you. What are you thinking? You have got a recipe for disaster on your hands. Ditch him, find someone local to you and have a proper relationship before you think about marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dodgy Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 "You've met him 4 times and are thinking about marrying him and moving to the other side of the world to be with him? You barely know the guy and he barely knows you. What are you thinking? You have got a recipe for disaster on your hands. Ditch him, find someone local to you and have a proper relationship before you think about marriage." What about arranged marriages where the husband and wife only meet 1 time or only meet on the day of the wedding ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 "You've met him 4 times and are thinking about marrying him and moving to the other side of the world to be with him? You barely know the guy and he barely knows you. What are you thinking? You have got a recipe for disaster on your hands. Ditch him, find someone local to you and have a proper relationship before you think about marriage." What about arranged marriages where the husband and wife only meet 1 time or only meet on the day of the wedding ? Generally the families are known to eachother and they are very often related. It also generally does not involve one of the couple moving to the other side of the world. It is completely different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Arranged marriages are a bit different from this situation dodgy. Not to say I agree with them but generally both families know each other (more often than naught they are extended family members) and know about about the prospective bride/groom. Who knows about the OP's partner's background or relationships when it does not appear as though even the OP does? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 We must have been posting at the same time Incata! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dodgy Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Generally the families are known to eachother and they are very often related. It also generally does not involve one of the couple moving to the other side of the world. It is completely different. I beg to differ having many Asian friends who have had wives/husbands travel from India to UK to marry some from only seeing a photo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 You are right dodgy arranged marriage partners do travel around the world but as said the families are known to each other Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 It somehow feels a little wrong to add a comment on something so personal when I don't know the people at all and can only guess about their motivation but the feeling I am getting is that he wants to end the relationship but is scared about telling you. First it is the paperwork on hold and then he is too ill. He may be hoping that you take the hint and dump him and he doesn't have to be the one who actually ended it. Love means different things to folks but for me the strongest feeling was the need to be with the person that I love. These feelings are very strong when love is new particularly. For the level of commitment and the sacrifices you are prepared to make, his need to be with you should be so strong and should have manifested itself by now (regular trips to Australia). You really should have been introduced to family and friends on one of your visits. Everything about this feels wrong. The worry I would have for you is that you back him into a corner and he may not have the bottle to say he doesn't love you. You then travel to be with him and only postpone the heartbreak but it will be 10 times worse as you may have burned some bridges and made even more sacrifices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colinmaclec Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I think someone is at the wind up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Englishlover Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 Thank you again everyone. I feel so thankful for your advice. I will wait a bit longer for few days and see what will happen and then take action. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina2 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Thank you. I have asked him again today. He is sick in bed and told me he needs time to think for few days. I will have to be in a limbo for few more days Sent from a laptop on desk via very slow internet Far to many excuses i smell a rat. Dont mean to be rude but my next message to him would be - Happy New Year - my new years gift to you is "Goodby" you will not hear from me again. Go to the UK on a working holiday have a good look around see if it is where you wont to live - you never know who you might meet along the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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