SimoneAL Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Old parents left behind... How do you cope with this? Can you sleep at night? Any regrets? Any good solutions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest km75 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I'm about to leave my mum and feel terrible about it - my sister is close by so know she won't be alone, and we've booked returns for September so if I still feel like I do now by then we will just have to move back I suppose. Let me know if you find a solution! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I didn't leave an old parent behind, but I did leave my Mum - she just wasn't old. She died whilst I was here. Do I have regrets? Hell yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chubbs75 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I think you always regret leaving parents behind. Myself and my wife we are both only child so it's not easy. But for a parent the most important thing is that their child is happy. So if you happy that makes your parents happy as they will know that they did a good job guiding you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest26012 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Always! just been back to see my mum on her 80th. Was hard to say goodbye this time. It will always be difficult but my mum has always said we did the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anoh Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 We came over a year ago as only a few months left on visa and knew eldest son was going to settle here. I will never cease to regret the pain I have caused my mum(87) and knowing her only grandchildren are here in Aus. I constantly think about it and how selfish I have been and will never forgive myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 There is no easy answer to this imho.I'm the other way around in that we emigrated to Oz as a family way back,and I returned with my kids (all aussies)a few years ago.I do visit my Mum/family in Adelaide atleast every 2 years,but last time returned,I did not cope well leaving.The last memory I have of my Mum(she is still living,and 82 yrs old))is saying goodbye to her.I got in the hire car,and was reversing out of her driveway.She was bawling her eyes out!I just did'nt want to leave her.I don't know if I will see her again.Awful feeling,it really is!I try not to think about it too much,because if I did,I would probably suffer from depression.I'm just doing my best atm talking to her on the phone regularly and so on and thats all I can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I think if there are very good reasons to migrate then you have to do what is best for you and your nuclear family, we honestly thought there was good reasons but 4 years on realised that our son was no better off at all in Perth and we were less happy with our lives and in those circumstances, especially as an only child it seemed very unfair on my parents (in their '80s) to continue to live in Australia. It was hard leaving in the first place but we committed to visiting every year (very hard in the end - visited 3 years out of 4 and my parents paid for the air fare for one trip) and my parents would never have made us feel guilty about it (couldn't really since they had migrated to South Africa when I was two, in the days before cheap flights and telephones (for normal people at least!) let alone Skype!) The difference in my parents in those 5 years was marked though and I can only imagine the next 5 We don't live that close in the UK but there is a big difference between a 3-4 hour drive and a 24-36 hour flight. Before we moved my OH asked if I saying I'd move back to my home town if my parents needed me and my answer was 'god, no' (those that know my home town will understand!) and he asked what the difference was. I convinced myself at the time that there wasn't one but there is and the time may come where my parents, or one of them at least moves here or to a care home near here (a friend has just made the difficult decision for her mum with dementia to move to a care home close to her) - there was no way my parents were fit and well enough to even endure the journey to Australia. No easy answer, we did what we thought was right at the time and if we'd loved Australia probably would have made excuses to stay and I absolutely agree what good parents want most of all is for their children to be happy - mine certainly did and told me a 1000 times not to come back just for them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 The older they got, the more the guilt kicked in. Once they were over 80 and no longer able to do their 6/6 tripping and I came home every 9-12 months (plus one of their two grandsons was in UK) - even so, leaving them was increasingly nightmarish. Neither expected us to uproot to give them a hand but the wheels fell off the parental wagon 2 yrs ago and we moved back (well, I just didn't return from holiday) and it's been the best thing. Had I had siblings the guilt may have been slightly less, my husband has 3 brothers closer to his mum than we were anyway and he goes back to see her each year. You do have to be very hard to cope with the guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pablo Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Sad dilemma for people i know,when i mentioned going me mam was upset,not nasty or anything,but she couldnt help but get upset,the hassle ive caused her down the years you'd think she'd be made up lol,but she had got her head round it in the end Sadly for me she's passed away now,me arl fellahs 75 i think,if i do go,its probably the last time i'll see him,its been mentioned tbh,he just wants the best for me tho,whether aus would/will be,i dont know? Im lucky,i had/have really loving parents who only wanted me to be happy,it will be an emotional day if i do ever say tara to him,hse sale and a few other obstacles to overcome for it to happen tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wakeboard1980 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I have come to the UK and left 2 brothers and both parents in Aus. Whilst mum and dad were a bit sad when we said we were leaving Aus, they understood, I already have a brother and his family outside of Aus. Whilst my parents weren't old, early 60's my dad passed away in April this year very suddenly, whilst that could not be helped it does hit home now being so far away from my mum. She has still given us her 'blessing' and in her words, 'you need to live your own life'. I talk to her every week, just like I did when dad was alive but wish we were in the same country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregblack Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 We encouraged our children to emigrate, my son the first one in 2005 and his sister in 2012,the third one does not want to go and will stay in the UK. I have visited 5 times since sure we miss them but in all honesty I would rather them be in Australia than the UK. One day perhaps we will emigrate as well. You have to do what is best for you and your family as we did for our family, encourage you parents to visit, it is only 24 hours away and you never know they may emigrate to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Its the cycle of life. I live near my mum who is 94 now but not by design just happened that way. Never felt any pull at all, you see my parents would up sticks and move at the drop of a hat and had no problems leaving me somewhere else and them being in another country or place. I am thankful for that as that is the way life should be. We should try to be self reliant. Not being in the same country or place does not mean we do not love our parents or siblings its just that each of us has our own family and our won lives. You can live down the street from your loved one and still not know they have passed away, they may not have an alarm, they may live in the next village or town. I remember one of my son's friends grandma passed away in the shower and they did not find her until the water started to seep under the front door. So you see we must just keep in touch on the phone, skype or whatever and honestly I am sure most parents are happy with that. I know my motherinlaw liked snail mail and gave a rollicking to anyone who forgot to write. Both her sons left England and one of her daughters lived in UK but hardly saw her. However she was always happy that her children had made good lives for themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregblack Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 How do you cope with this? You do what you have done all your life and put your children first. It was very hard at first when my son, wife and granddaughter left in 2005, we had never been out of the UK but his wife was from NSW, we never thought we wpuld ever see them again. Australia is only 24 hours away so in 2007 we went on holiday and loved the country, the weather, the people and life style so much so we persuaded our daughter to emigrate in Jan 2012. I have been out 5 times for 3-4 weeks at a time and my wife has been 6 times for similar breaks the last one for 6 weeks when our 3rd grand child was born. Of course we miss the but they are only a phone call away, we can see them on Skype and receive regular emails and photo's. Their lifestyle is so much better than they would have had in the UK and I only wish that I had done this as a £10 pom. All I can say is we put our children first we want the best for them and while it is hard on us it is the best thing for them. If we can find a way to join them we will but finances dictate what we can do, but we will find a way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snape Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Definitely the aspect of the move that scares me the most. I do have a sister who will continue to live in London and my dad's family are all scattered around the area so it helps to leased the blow. I just hope to be in the position to be able to fly back every couple of years. Currently my my parents spend about 3 months in Asia a year so hope that that could be a middle ground to meet Sadly, I don't think we'd ever see OH's parents in Oz but his two brothers would continue to live nearby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobj Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Old parents left behind... How do you cope with this? Can you sleep at night? Any regrets? Any good solutions? Do you want to cling to "Mum's apron strings " all your life?? It's your choice. Cheers, Bobj. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 We came over a year ago as only a few months left on visa and knew eldest son was going to settle here. I will never cease to regret the pain I have caused my mum(87) and knowing her only grandchildren are here in Aus. I constantly think about it and how selfish I have been and will never forgive myself. i can take mistakes and have made many ....but cant do regrets ....thats why iam here ( uk)......mom would be 80 odd and living on her own ......unthinkable Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Do you want to cling to "Mum's apron strings " all your life?? It's your choice. Cheers, Bobj. Thats boll.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobj Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 i can take mistakes and have made many ....but cant do regrets ....thats why iam here ( uk)......mom would be 80 odd and living on her own ......unthinkable Appreciate that, B61, but one has to make one's own life; we rarely get a second chance. Cheers, Bobj. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Appreciate that, B61, but one has to make one's own life; we rarely get a second chance. Cheers, Bobj. its still crap Bob .......someone in a family has to put their " cock on the block " , luckily iam a stubborn , stubborn Bstard .....and myself and my lovely wife have carried the lot .......and are now flourishing ......when shes gone who knows ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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