jasepom Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Hi, I'm back in Melbourne after a year in England. Gave up a fantastic life here to go back to UK and regretted that decision as soon as we arrived. I could not settle there despite my wife and kids being happy just could not get used to the place. Don't even know what triggered the return to UK must have been homesickness or house stress (we built) maybe both. Now I find myself in an impossible situation. My wife has said she will not come back and I don't know what to do. She has been supportive until recently of my return to Oz as she knew how much I missed it and could not settle in UK. I miss my family terribly and it is tearing me apart to be seperated from them. Don't know what to do at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Andy Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Hi, I'm back in Melbourne after a year in England. Gave up a fantastic life here to go back to UK and regretted that decision as soon as we arrived. I could not settle there despite my wife and kids being happy just could not get used to the place. Don't even know what triggered the return to UK must have been homesickness or house stress (we built) maybe both. Now I find myself in an impossible situation. My wife has said she will not come back and I don't know what to do. She has been supportive until recently of my return to Oz as she knew how much I missed it and could not settle in UK. I miss my family terribly and it is tearing me apart to be seperated from them. Don't know what to do at the moment. That's a real tough one mate, it is quite clear that if you want to keep your family unit together then you will have to return to England as you are not going to be able to force your wife and kids to move over there, if it were me then i would return because i would rather have my family together than live in either country, i cannot see how you could possibly keep a relationship going with you being in Oz and the wife here so you have a big choice to make and to be honest i do not envy you one bit but i wish you the best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 What made you return on your own? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Your family or another first world country???? No brainer for me, people first even though it means living in a place you dont much like. I did that for the last 10 years or more and, no, it isnt easy but think of it this way - which is least worse; life here without them or life there with them? Good luck, it isnt an easy situation to find yourself in but you make the best of the good things you have got and work from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 What made you return on your own? I had a massive reverse culture shock and could not understand what I was doing there. It was just a feeling of being away from home and not able to adjust to the place again. Felt sick all the time living in a terrace house, when I thought about what I had in Melbourne. Kept worrying about work, not able to do anything positive for the family. Contrasted to time before in Melbourne when we had it all. We had a life most people in UK only dream of. Fantastic house, cars and jobs that we loved. It was like something happened to bring us back. I just found UK to be too gloomy and I know plenty of people like it there, but Oz is now home. I could not see it at the time but we were doing really well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I had a massive reverse culture shock and could not understand what I was doing there. It was just a feeling of being away from home and not able to adjust to the place again. Felt sick all the time living in a terrace house, when I thought about what I had in Melbourne. Kept worrying about work, not able to do anything positive for the family. Contrasted to time before in Melbourne when we had it all. We had a life most people in UK only dream of. Fantastic house, cars and jobs that we loved. It was like something happened to bring us back. I just found UK to be too gloomy and I know plenty of people like it there, but Oz is now home. I could not see it at the time but we were doing really well. I really do hope you find what you are looking for, it must be very hard for you guys, good luck mate you have a big decision to make, but I think you could be heading back to the uk again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussex boy Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Tough one there matey, maybe head home for a while, after the initial hi from familly your mrs will maybe remember why you moved in the first place. My familly have gone from an initial òh my God your leaving us?` To well done mate your timing could not of been better attiude. Think of it as a holiday back to the Uk . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I had a massive reverse culture shock and could not understand what I was doing there. It was just a feeling of being away from home and not able to adjust to the place again. Felt sick all the time living in a terrace house, when I thought about what I had in Melbourne. Kept worrying about work, not able to do anything positive for the family. Contrasted to time before in Melbourne when we had it all. We had a life most people in UK only dream of. Fantastic house, cars and jobs that we loved. It was like something happened to bring us back. I just found UK to be too gloomy and I know plenty of people like it there, but Oz is now home. I could not see it at the time but we were doing really well. What a tough, tough situation to find yourself in. I don’t think there is any magic answer but if your wife can’t face moving back to Australia, at least you both share an understanding of what it feels like to live in a place you’d rather leave. Is there any chance of relocating within the UK, maybe? Somewhere close enough to extended family (if that’s what your wife needs), but far enough away to be different from the area you originally left? One great feature of the UK is that you can find a different life and lifestyle just a hundred miles or so down the road if that’s what you are looking for. I think the trick is to do just as much research as you would for any major move - jobs, houses, schools and so on. Maybe together you could find a compromise that would work for you as a family. It might not be Australia, but if your wife doesn’t share that particular dream perhaps it’s a case of trying to find somewhere else that you are all happy to call ‘home’. All the very best. Tx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Ropey HOFF Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 If you love your wife, it's a no brainer mate, you have to be with her, we all love our kids more than anything, I personally couldn't be apart from them, so I would be on the next plane back to the UK. I think you need to resolve your issues with your wife and if she agrees to return to Australia with you, altogether, great ..... If she doesn't you will just have accept it, but ....... Don't become bitter, take the positives out if life, the UK is a great country, plan for holidays, visiting Europe, going away when it's nicer weather here in the UK, rare I know, be up, not down mate and ....... Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Hi, I'm back in Melbourne after a year in England. Gave up a fantastic life here to go back to UK and regretted that decision as soon as we arrived. I could not settle there despite my wife and kids being happy just could not get used to the place. Don't even know what triggered the return to UK must have been homesickness or house stress (we built) maybe both. Now I find myself in an impossible situation. My wife has said she will not come back and I don't know what to do. She has been supportive until recently of my return to Oz as she knew how much I missed it and could not settle in UK. I miss my family terribly and it is tearing me apart to be seperated from them. Don't know what to do at the moment. Got to put the family first jase ..............move back and move to a different area ...........some great places in the u.k ......we moved 2 miles across a county border and the change is unbelievable .......schools etc ..............whatever you decide .....all the very best mate . My wife didnt want to come back to the U.K ............now she has no intention of going back to Oz even for a holiday ......she says " whats done is done " . Once women have children its a different ball game .......and as a husband /partner you have to respect that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 If you love your wife, it's a no brainer mate, you have to be with her, we all love our kids more than anything, I personally couldn't be apart from them, so I would be on the next plane back to the UK. I think you need to resolve your issues with your wife and if she agrees to return to Australia with you, altogether, great ..... If she doesn't you will just have accept it, but ....... Don't become bitter, take the positives out if life, the UK is a great country, plan for holidays, visiting Europe, going away when it's nicer weather here in the UK, rare I know, be up, not down mate and ....... Best of luck. It's funny cause the in-laws have been very supportive of me going back (MIL is an Aussie living in UK), and would like the family to follow me back out there. They are very old-fashioned, in that the wife should support the husbands decisions. I do feel guilty over it but have thought long and hard about being here and honestly want the family to enjoy the life here again. Not pretending it's perfect here, just easy to justify living here when you have a descent job and money to make it work again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 What made you return on your own? I managed to secure a job back in Oz with the wife's blessing (or persuassion). Thing is, since I've been here she's cooled off a lot on the prospect of coming back. I know its a big deal moving again but thought we had an agreement. She liked it here before, so I don't understand why she is so reluctant to return. I miss the kids for sure but till think they would be better over here. Can't shake the feeling that we made such a huge blunder in going back to UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 My Mum moved back twice took my brother who was about 7 at the time stayed there for a couple of years and then came back. Went again when my brother was about 15 same scenario but Dad was not going back, so she returned twice. I believe that if she had not returned they would not have stayed together and as it was it was not that happy after all that, one wanting one thing and one another. My brother and I often talk about it, my brother hated it over in the UK as well. Being a lot older than my brother never affectedme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrisDubBris Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I managed to secure a job back in Oz with the wife's blessing (or persuassion). Thing is, since I've been here she's cooled off a lot on the prospect of coming back. I know its a big deal moving again but thought we had an agreement. She liked it here before, so I don't understand why she is so reluctant to return. I miss the kids for sure but till think they would be better over here. Can't shake the feeling that we made such a huge blunder in going back to UK. Hi, I can relate to how you feel but if you decide to go back to be with your family, you will have to try to make it a clean start, again. It will be very hard not to resent your wife but you will have to try to just forget Aus & not be thinking about it. Always tough when two people want different things regardless of where they are from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 What a terrible situation to be in. I guess if you do decide to go back you would have to move somewhere different- maybe into the country so you get a bit of land round you? I can empathize with you wanting to stay in Oz- I couldn't stand the thought of living in the UK either under any circumstances- it just wouldn't be 'home' to me. You really need to do a lot of talking to your family though. We have some friends where the wife detests Oz and now lives permanently in Scotland. Her husband is the other way round so he has kept a small unit here and spends 6 months in each country. Not cheap and when you are young hard re job situation ( he has retired so no issues like that). Their kids are spread between the 2 countries as well. They love each other dearly but can't live together permanently. Weird but it works for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Ropey HOFF Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 It's funny cause the in-laws have been very supportive of me going back (MIL is an Aussie living in UK), and would like the family to follow me back out there. They are very old-fashioned, in that the wife should support the husbands decisions. I do feel guilty over it but have thought long and hard about being here and honestly want the family to enjoy the life here again. Not pretending it's perfect here, just easy to justify living here when you have a descent job and money to make it work again. Forget old fashioned older peoples values and thoughts, it's like saying women should do all the cooking and cleaning, it's tosh. I agree with you about having a decent job which will give you a better life, but without your wife and kids, it won't be better will it mate? It doesn't look like you have any option than to go back unless you can persuade her to move back to Oz, she hasn't behaved right, but maybe she couldn't face telling you, it's wrong though and I hope you can work it through buddy. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcorners Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I know you were unhappy and depressed in the UK, but it sounds like from what you have said that you place a lot of emotional value on materialistic things, like money, big house, nice cars etc. These are not things that ensure long term happiness. You have to ask yourself what is important to you, is it the happiness of you wife and kids, the family unit? Or is it the thought of having more money and nice cars etc? Also if you think that a woman should support her husband and blindly follow him and his decisions, well then I'm sorry but you're on another planet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What a nasty catty comment that one is. It is far more than materialism I am sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcorners Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I'm just saying that he needs to re-evaluate his priorities if he thinks that the nice house and car are what is important. That's the impression he has given so based on what he has said so far that's my take on the situation. Would he really want to sacrifice his wife and kids happiness just to have more $$ in the bank? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I know you were unhappy and depressed in the UK, but it sounds like from what you have said that you place a lot of emotional value on materialistic things, like money, big house, nice cars etc. These are not things that ensure long term happiness. You have to ask yourself what is important to you, is it the happiness of you wife and kids, the family unit? Or is it the thought of having more money and nice cars etc? Also if you think that a woman should support her husband and blindly follow him and his decisions, well then I'm sorry but you're on another planet! Also a man should not have to blindly follow a woman's decision in now we have equality of the sexes. There is no answer to this from any of us members, its for them to work out. If only we walked in their shoes. No need to be snipey because someone wants to come back to Australia either. Every person has different needs in their lives. Try not to play the man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lisa crowe Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What a nasty catty comment that one is. It is far more than materialism I am sure. ????? Don't see anything nasty or catty in Fourcorners statement....Think the OP is very much coming across to be like that, if he loved his wife and kids he'd be in the UK with them, not in Aus coz his house is bigger or his car is faster!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I had a massive reverse culture shock and could not understand what I was doing there. It was just a feeling of being away from home and not able to adjust to the place again. Felt sick all the time living in a terrace house, when I thought about what I had in Melbourne. Kept worrying about work, not able to do anything positive for the family. Contrasted to time before in Melbourne when we had it all. We had a life most people in UK only dream of. Fantastic house, cars and jobs that we loved. It was like something happened to bring us back. I just found UK to be too gloomy and I know plenty of people like it there, but Oz is now home. I could not see it at the time but we were doing really well. No......you had it all...your wife did not, what a selfish statement and says it all to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I know you were unhappy and depressed in the UK, but it sounds like from what you have said that you place a lot of emotional value on materialistic things, like money, big house, nice cars etc. These are not things that ensure long term happiness. You have to ask yourself what is important to you, is it the happiness of you wife and kids, the family unit? Or is it the thought of having more money and nice cars etc? Also if you think that a woman should support her husband and blindly follow him and his decisions, well then I'm sorry but you're on another planet! Spot on, could not agree more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackinabox Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Have read all your posts in this thread Jase and some of your earlier posts to get a better feel for your situation. I fully understand your reasoning and your motives and intentions of a better life etc but its a tough one that only you can decide on. No one here can make that decision for you. I get a feeling that there is more to this on a personal level and perhaps your OH realised that it was your dream, and never really hers, and simply gave you encouragement/support to go back to OZ to enable you to satisfy your own curiosity/desire/dream? Perhaps she never really intended on following and secretly hoped that once you where apart that you would see that life without her and the kids in OZ isnt really life? Difficult to have any sort of realistic compromise when young kids and distances involved and trying to sort such a big thing whilst apart can't be easy. I really dont know what to suggest other than you either go back for a week or two and talk it through or the OH comes out to you for a few weeks to talk it through. Hope all works out Jase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasepom Posted August 4, 2012 Author Share Posted August 4, 2012 No......you had it all...your wife did not, what a selfish statement and says it all to me. If you read my post PerthBum I did use *we* meaning the whole family. I don't think it's your place to make these type of judgemental statements on the forum, particularly as you have not met me or my wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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