Trapped

[SKW]

That is how I feel totally trapped.

 

I have been here for 2.5yrs, long enough I think to know that this is not the place for me. DH says he would like to move home too but won't do it without a job (but is also not looking for one over there). I feel the pull for home more strongly. I don't want to end my marriage but I also don't want to live here anymore. I don't know where else to turn. I know noone can give me answers I just wanted somewhere to let it out. I'm desperately sad and wake up every day wishing I was at home. I have spoken to Dh about it but I think he only hears what he wants to hear. We are planning a trip back in July and I wish I could just stay there......

[Guest Kelly R]

Sorry to hear how tough you are finding it, I have been here 6 months and feel similar I can only imagine how desperate you must feel 2 years later, have you explained to your husband that you feel that you could leave him if it came to it perhaps thats the light switch he needs to realise how seriously this is effecting you, I really hope you can works things outs for the best and you feel happy again.

[Freckleface]

That is how I feel totally trapped.

 

. I have spoken to Dh about it but I think he only hears what he wants to hear.....

 

Try writing him an old fashioned letter. Take your time and really think about what you want to say and explain to him how you are feeling. Sometimes we 'hear' more when we read things instead of hearing them with our ears.

[Guest Abu Dina]

I have been here for 2.5yrs, long enough I think to know that this is not the place for me.

 

What is it about Australia (Melbourne?) that you don't like?

[SKW]

Thanks for your replies.

 

KellyR - Thank you. I haven't been that explicit with DH maybe I need to be. I hope that things improve for you and you also find happiness.

 

Freckleface - Good suggestion, I shall try this.

 

Abu Dina - I think it's a common misconception that if you want to go home it means you don't like Australia. I like Melbourne, it's a lovely place, it's just not home.

[3FatCats]

Hi SKW, we have only been here 6 months but I can relate to your feelings. Your DH is probably right about not returning without a job.... I know it sounds horrible, but unless he or you are in an area of employment where jobs are always available, returning with no employment could potentially transform your situation into a nightmare.

 

I would like to go home now, this minute, I can pack a bag in half an hour. Of course it is not possible. What makes matters worse is that my OHs work is very specialised and he will have difficulty finding something else back in the UK, even Europe will be hard. I have had the joy of being unemployed since we arrived, it makes me fell, well, useless! If we were to return, there is no certainty I will find work either.

 

The only comfort I can pass on is to know you are not alone, there are others.... I think 2.5 years is plenty to have waited and if you want to get your life back on track you have to plan like mad. Sit down with your DH, or write a letter spelling things out. If he too would like to go back too perhaps he just needs a bit of encouragement? Then make a sensible plan for your re-entry, which could be in 6-12-18 months time according to your situation. You will make it.... The trip back in July sounds heaven sent and perhaps this could also be a chance to put out some feelers.

 

I too am not against Australia, but as you say, it just isn't home :hug:

 

 

That is how I feel totally trapped.

 

I have been here for 2.5yrs, long enough I think to know that this is not the place for me. DH says he would like to move home too but won't do it without a job (but is also not looking for one over there). I feel the pull for home more strongly. I don't want to end my marriage but I also don't want to live here anymore. I don't know where else to turn. I know noone can give me answers I just wanted somewhere to let it out. I'm desperately sad and wake up every day wishing I was at home. I have spoken to Dh about it but I think he only hears what he wants to hear. We are planning a trip back in July and I wish I could just stay there......

[whichway1]

This is a horrible situation. I know your pain well. I think when it has come to the point where you are thinking about ending your marriage because of it, he has to listen up.

 

I was the same, my (now) husband, somehow, misheard everything I said and thought I was fine to live in Oz and was just a little homesick. Which I found bizarre, because, like you everyday I woke up and went to bed thinking how am I going to live here, I just can't do it. Anyway, long story short and all that, I became very very depressed, we weren't coping as a family and our life was falling apart (5 years in Oz) and then he noticed. If I were to go through it again I would be more clear, brutally clear!! I thought I was clear but obviously not enough. I even wrote him a few letters, sat and cried, everything and he still thought (or so he tells me) I was happy. So my advice to you is to be brutally clear if he isn't listening!! It sounds horrible but in the end (when things had come to a head) I was screaming at him saying, I hate living here, I hate it, there is nothing I like,how can you let me be so unhappy! I ended up being so bitter towards him and we would not have ended up that way had it been sorted earlier. I was very much going to leave him to leave Oz cos I simply couldn't live there anymore. Luckily I didn't have to.

 

Sounds like he is absolutely hearing what he wants to hear but make sure however you tell him by letter or talk whatever, that he is fully clear on how you feel at the end of it and there is no way he can doubt it. Good luck x

[Guest ShellBee]

Oh how I feel your pain! I was in the same situation a year ago and now after many talks we are moving back in Sept!

You must clearly state how your feeling, be 100% you want to go home and be prepared for a lot of emotional giving and taking.

There is no point being unhappy life is to short, my health, well-being and motivation have all suffered by not addressing this earlier.

Tell them how you really feel!

 

As for a job, well it’s pretty hard to get a job lined up before leaving. If you’re prepared enough before you go then when you get back they will be something good around the corner.

 

 

[Que Sera Sera]

You say your planning a trip back this year anyway? Why not do that and look around for jobs houses etc, while your there, to see if its feasable.

[Guest MADTOM]

We have been here nearly 2 years and I have sort of "settled" - that's as far as I can go. I don't want to go back to the UK but I don't know if I want to stay here either. OH has a good job and my DS has settled in school. I know I have to make more of an effort to "integrate" and not feel so much of an outsider. We moved from Adelaide thinking Melbourne would be more fulfilling, more vibrant, more to do but really it hasn't lived up to our expectations. An acquaintance once told me that she had an "epiphany" in Adelaide. I am still waiting for one and now think I will never have one, however on a recent trip to Sydney I did feel more welcome, less "closed in" and more relaxed and felt that Sydney is where I want to be. Also we have family there which certainly helps.

 

I am sure we will move at some point to Sydney and hope that it will be a place where we can be happy. In the meantime I want to try and live life to the full here in Melbourne. My philosophy if you don't like it go, try somewhere else if your kids are still young it will not be too much of an upheaval for them and it is important to feel that you belong, are happy and in the right place.

[Guest Guest16631]

..............sometimes life gives us few choices..............my OH goes where the work is .........as did my father...........and often I found I had overwhelming feelings of not belonging..............as a child at school I had a lot to do with my large and sociable family.............and loved it..........!............but my choice in partner meant a different life journey for me................I have changed.............am almost a hermit.......:shocked:..................not unhappy ...............just different................I have changed to fit my circumstances...........how I reacted to them has dictated how I feel.............I don't know if I would of coped and settled here as well if I had a choice......( there is always a choice..! But sometimes especially with family theirs comes first........ime..).........as I havn't I have looked and found so much here to be enjoyed...................It is certainly my children's country..........it has given us so much............but..me who knows. If I will stay..............I have a song close to my heart that one day will be me............not that I've regretted my past choices.......just sometimes wonder.........what if.......?...........I wish you well with your journey...........which ever it is................tink x

[Guest MtMartha]

That is how I feel totally trapped.

 

I have been here for 2.5yrs, long enough I think to know that this is not the place for me. DH says he would like to move home too but won't do it without a job (but is also not looking for one over there). I feel the pull for home more strongly. I don't want to end my marriage but I also don't want to live here anymore. I don't know where else to turn. I know noone can give me answers I just wanted somewhere to let it out. I'm desperately sad and wake up every day wishing I was at home. I have spoken to Dh about it but I think he only hears what he wants to hear. We are planning a trip back in July and I wish I could just stay there......

 

Hi me and hubby going through similar we been here just over 2 years. We in Mt. martha, where are you?

[Quoll]

There is light at the end of the tunnel, honestly!!! And not just a bloody great freight train!!!

 

When you go to bed with the dread of waking up in the morning (my first thought every day was OMG I am still in bloody here!!!) then that is impacting on the quality of your life - it could well be situational depression - and whilst removing yourself from the situation is the only sure fire cure, a quick trip to your GP to talk about how you are feeling might open up some more support options for you. It might help to talk through your issues with a psych who (if they ate good at their job) can arm you with ACT or CBT strategies to help you get through your day without slitting your wrists or downing a bottle of Baileys!!!

 

I was a slow learner! Assumed my DH could read my mind but he had a very bad case of dyslexia and he thought I aspired to his self sufficient life in the bush plans. I did the letters, the fearless and frank conversations to no avail and the trapped feelings were only allayed by his agreement that he would ensure we had the finances for me to go home whenever I wanted - usually once or twice a year.

 

Fast forward to our last holiday when it became obvious to Blind Freddie that my parents were no longer able to be totally independent in their own home. DH agreed to live in UK so I just didn't bother to return to Aus.

 

I have my life back, I wake up happy every morning and marvel at the sense of contentment that "belonging" brings. DH is doing well and not hating the place as he was sure he would.

 

For me it was 32.5 years although the iron bars really only clanged down about 10 years ago - I could put up with it when I thought there was an escape route.

 

Good luck with getting what you want out of your life and don't forget that even when it all seems very dark you can always call Lifeline 131114 - you don't have to be suicidal you can just vent and hopefully consider your options!

[fizzybangs]

Have you already fully paid for your trip in July? If you wish to return permanently then do not put off your talk. The holiday may be money that you can ill afford to waste if you do decide to return. If he thinks you are being unusual/unreasonable - refer him to this site! There are so many letters along the same vein. Just knowing that you are not the only person to feel as you do should help enormously. Be very concise - it's not enough to say you are unhappy as he will not know how to 'fix' unhappiness. You have to tell him that you need to return and give sensible reasons and what outcome you want to achieve once there AND how you will assist if he is agreeable. He doesn't want to hear at the moment. Many men dislike even moving house, let alone continents!

[mindblower]

Know how you feel, sympathies.

[Sunshine111]

That is how I feel totally trapped.

 

I have been here for 2.5yrs, long enough I think to know that this is not the place for me. DH says he would like to move home too but won't do it without a job (but is also not looking for one over there). I feel the pull for home more strongly. I don't want to end my marriage but I also don't want to live here anymore. I don't know where else to turn. I know noone can give me answers I just wanted somewhere to let it out. I'm desperately sad and wake up every day wishing I was at home. I have spoken to Dh about it but I think he only hears what he wants to hear. We are planning a trip back in July and I wish I could just stay there......

 

Horrible feeling, being somewhere you dont want to be. Even though both hubby & I wanted to go home, took 7 mths from start to finish, e.g finishing off a renovation & selling the house & with x2 little uns in tow. We only had that trapped feeling for a short period of time but unbelievable how it affects you. Not sure of your situation & how quickly you could turn around a return home but when you go back in July, go with updated cv's & try & contact a couple of recruitment agencies before you return. Contact people you used to work with/old bosses etc... as much networking as you can do. good luck, not sure if you have kids, but if not do something now. If not, you can just meander into the next phase & each one becomes harder to return.... we have a 5 yr old & thankfully returned at a good time, if he had made friends & been very settled, I am not sure we would have/could have returned to the UK.....

[Creese]

Yes I know exactly how you feel, and would also use the words "trapped". I on the other hand are lucky as my other half feels exactly the same, but we are trapped by finanical situation, (lack of it lol!!!) We have tried to sell the house a couple of times, but was offered stupid money for it, so took it off the market again. Hopefully by the end of the year, we will put it back on the market and start preparing to go back (well say start, the dogs have already had the rabbies jabs, blood test etc and are alrealy to go).

[SKW]

My internet keeps dropping out each time I have tried to reply, what is it trying to tel me?!!

 

Thanks so much for your support and understanding. It really does help to offload to people who get it.

 

3FatCats - Feel for you, hope that you can get home too.

 

Whichway1 - Thanks for your reply. Good to hear from someone who's been there and got out the other side. Glad to hear that you made it back and that you're now enjoying life again.

 

ShellBee - Glad you have managed to get things moving. Good luck with the trip back and look forward to hearing an update on your return.

 

MtMartha - We are West of the City so not close unfortunately, but feel free to pm me if you want to let it out. Nice to meet someone here who feels the same, all the other Brits I've met here are really happy and settled which is great for them but adds to the isolation.

 

Quoll - Thanks for your reply. I have followed many of your posts (I'm a serial lurker hardly post). I am glad that you have managed to get back to where you belong and that you are so happy now. I hope that I will be able to do the same.

 

Fizzybangs - Yes it's all booked. I need to go in July and at the moment with no concrete plans for a permanent move back I can't not have the trip back although it will be expensive. The trip back is all that is keeping me going at the moment. I have already been looking for work and have re-registered with my professional organisations over there so hope to get some interviews lined up when we're back.

 

Sunshine111 - We have a 3.5yr old. I want to move back before he gets too settled here. I worry about so many things about him being an only child here. If something happened ot DH and I for example there would be no one to take care of him until family got here. Morbid thought but I think when you are so faraway from home and family these things do come to mind.

 

Hopefully our trip back will sort things out for us.

 

Thanks again for listening and for the support.