2 trips back to the UK per year - realistic?

[oidara]

Hi everyone,

 

We are wondering about emigrating to Oz. My husband says the only way he would do it is if he could go back and visit family twice per year. The idea is that we all go once per year (me, husband and 3 kids) and he goes alone once per year.

 

I am just wondering if this is realistic. We're not particularly well-off financially, and then there is obviously the upheaval of such regular trips to consider.

 

How often do you guys go back to visit? Is it often enough???

[thewebweazel]

We used to go back to S.Africa once a year the first few years in the UK, but over time, the time in between gets greater and greater due to Financial constraints and wanting to visit other destinations and no having enough holiday! I would agree with Hubby if you want to go to OZ and the need to visit the UK will naturally diminish over time, probably very quickly seeing that it costs £3000 to £5000 for plane tickets for the 5 of you.

[Guest jtrd]

Unless your circumstances change dramatically when you relocate to Aust, this is probably not possible. It is more expensive to travel from there to here and you will probably find that the cost of the travel would be prohibitive.

[stevenpasha]

go back once a year, because family will probably want to come over to you at least once a year

[oidara]

I would prefer to go back just once a year, but my husband's father refuses to travel anywhere and I don't know if his mum would come on her own. I know it's not just empty words with my father-in-law too, as we've lived on the continent since 2004 and he's only visited once during that time (under great duress, just after his first grandchild was born.) So we're a bit stuck in that respect, unfortunately.

[pintpot]

Sounds like too much to commit to, to me

 

I am reckoning on going back every other year, and having people come out in the alternate years. It's not so much the money, but holidays are very precious to us and we don't want to spend all our leave, all the time we're in Oz, on going back to visit family. It's not fair on the kids either, some of my most treasured memories growing up are from family holidays and that was about going somewhere nice with my parents and siblings, not being dragged around from one relly to the next

[oidara]

I agree that it's too much, not just financially. But it's the only way my husband will agree to go. This has been my dream since I was 11. I really don't get on with England. The bad weather makes me miserable and uncomfortable. And I know Oz would be better for my kids. So it feels like agreeing to this is the only way for me to be where I always wanted to be...but then I'm worried that I won't be truly happy as we will always be on the move with one foot in each country. Why does Australia have to be so far away?????

[Peach]

Personally, I think unless you are wealthy and get a lot more holiday from work than is the norm here (most companies offer 4 weeks a year), two trips a year just isn't practically possible.

[pintpot]

Reading between the lines I reckon you have more things to sort out with your husband than trips back home - if it's really being presented as an ultimatum then it sounds to me as though he doesn't really want to go at all. And if that's the case you will go through a lot more heartache over more things than a couple of trips home

[oidara]

In terms of time off, we work as freelancers, so this isn't so much of an issue (unless we end up having to take salaried work to make ends meet).

 

pintpot - You may be right. It is an ultimatum, or "condition" to make it sound not quite so harsh. But it boils down to the same thing. We have tried living elsewhere (Slovenia, Austria) and it's just not working out. I can't stand the thought of England, he can't seem to resolve himself to not flying around the world twice a year. Not sure how we will ever come to a conclusion that will make us both happy, but I think perhaps England is the path of least resistance and it will just have to be me that's the unhappy one while him and his family are happy. Numbers wise, I guess that's fair.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

We are a family of 5 and for us all to go back we would be looking at around $10,000 just for flights, it's just not viable for us, if you think that's $20,000 per year, for some that's half their yearly wage. Also it's getting time off work to go back.

[Tappers2oz]

Do you think your hubby would agree to him going twice a year, but the family once every couple of years?

That or would he move then realise how difficult/expensive the 2 trips a year would be a back down himself??

Or is he one of these people who would never admit to being (possibly) wrong.

[oldgit]

Hi everyone,

 

We are wondering about emigrating to Oz. My husband says the only way he would do it is if he could go back and visit family twice per year. The idea is that we all go once per year (me, husband and 3 kids) and he goes alone once per year.

 

I am just wondering if this is realistic. We're not particularly well-off financially, and then there is obviously the upheaval of such regular trips to consider.

 

How often do you guys go back to visit? Is it often enough???

 

Hi Oidara,

 

As people have already said unless you are financially well off, going back to the UK twice a year isn't really realistic, and to be quite honest many people struggle to go back to the UK once a year. You've got to remember you need to live your life while you're over here and have fun (which costs money) otherwise why bother?

 

You've said this has been your dream since you were 11yrs old but it's obviously not your husband's. My wife, daughter and I have been over here nearly 3yrs and it's been hard a lot of the time but we made the decision TOGETHER as a family to give OZ a try. If it hadn't been a truly joint decision the bad times over here could have caused a lot more friction between me and my wife. Chasing dreams can turn into a nightmare!

 

What I do find a little strange is the fact that your husband is quite comfortable with leaving his wife and three children on the other side of the world while he visits his family and maybe enjoys a few beers with the boys. You might not like me saying that but as a husband and a father, I couldn't imagine doing that to my own wife and daughter. Obiviously some people do have to be away from their families due to their work, which is unfortunate but perfectly understandable.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

 

The oldgit.

[thewebweazel]

I would agree to it, after the first few years he will realize that twice a year is far to expensive and come to his senses, by that time you will have checked OZ out and decided whether you want to live there or not. Its better to have a chance to go and have a look and sort out the problems later then not going at all. I'm not saying deceive him but compromise on the first few years so he can get his bearings. After that you can start leaving pamphlets for Fiji and Bali lying around.

[Guest]

I'd say no. Before we had our son hubby was living in the UK and didn't make it back to Aus. Just cost of living, bills and so on meant we didn't have funds for a trip there. It was almost 5 years before we were able to get back over there (by then we had our son also). Every time we thought we had money saved a car would go wrong big time or the dog had a HUGE vets bill and there was £1000 gone.

 

I know when we move we are looking at a trip back every 2-3 years to begin with or possibly me just coming back on my own every second year with our son and hubby remains in Aus. Having family back in the UK will mean costs once here are low but the return flights will be a big expense and we are prepared that we maybe won't even be able to afford them as often as we hope.

[Guest sh7t man no way]

in the last 8 years ive flown to Brisbane 7 times--i think twice a year is 2 much not only money wise but it takes it out off you in a life balance way--its a long boring flight,and your body clock sufferers:SLEEP:

[oidara]

Do you think your hubby would agree to him going twice a year, but the family once every couple of years?

That or would he move then realise how difficult/expensive the 2 trips a year would be a back down himself??

Or is he one of these people who would never admit to being (possibly) wrong.

 

I guess he may agree to that, but I know it would make him sad that his parents wouldn't see our children very often. Unfortunately his dad just won't budge on the travelling issue, so we can't even hope they might visit every year or two. It's so annoying!

 

He would definitely admit to being wrong, but the fact of the matter is that he just doesn't want to make the move if he doesn't get his 2 trips per year, whatever the financial/emotional cost. It's the only way he can stomach the idea of leaving his family.

 

We met while we were both living in Japan - a long way from family for 2 years - so I didn't realise how tied to them he was and how it would end up curtailing my dreams.

[oidara]

What I do find a little strange is the fact that your husband is quite comfortable with leaving his wife and three children on the other side of the world while he visits his family and maybe enjoys a few beers with the boys.

 

It wouldn't be like that. He is just concerned about his parents and sister, not about having beers with the boys. As we've not lived in the UK for almost 10 years, there are very few boys he still knows to have beers with anyway!

 

We're thinking that maybe my folks will spend 4-6 months of the year in Oz if we go (hence why this decision is easier for me than him) and he's hoping to make his solo trip back when my folks are around to help out, so he is being considerate of how hard it will be for me to be left alone. I don't relish the idea nonetheless but I guess you do what you have to do.

[Guest kennmikp]

I would prefer to go back just once a year, but my husband's father refuses to travel anywhere and I don't know if his mum would come on her own. I know it's not just empty words with my father-in-law too, as we've lived on the continent since 2004 and he's only visited once during that time (under great duress, just after his first grandchild was born.) So we're a bit stuck in that respect, unfortunately.

 

FFFFRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

 

Thats his problem is it not??? He misses out. Why should you be the 1 left wanting and in a miserable position just because your husbands FATHER wont travel to visit?????

 

Now, iv read through all the posts in this thread before i write this, so..... IMHO

 

Your husband wants to grow up and stop being a child. He has HIS OWN FAMILY to think of and care about. His parents ans sister can look after themselves. Its all about give aqnd take and by the sound of it he wants to give nothing but take the bloody lot :mad:

 

You shouldnt have to compromise. He either wants to go or he does not, SIMPLE!!!

 

O by the way...................... male point of view (me).

 

heres a BIG :hug: to make you feel better.

[oldgit]

It wouldn't be like that. He is just concerned about his parents and sister, not about having beers with the boys. As we've not lived in the UK for almost 10 years, there are very few boys he still knows to have beers with anyway!

 

We're thinking that maybe my folks will spend 4-6 months of the year in Oz if we go (hence why this decision is easier for me than him) and he's hoping to make his solo trip back when my folks are around to help out, so he is being considerate of how hard it will be for me to be left alone. I don't relish the idea nonetheless but I guess you do what you have to do.

 

Good luck I hope it all comes good for you (I do mean that).

 

The oldgit

[pablo]

I despise flying with a vengeance,even a two hour flight let lone a full day,IF i was to come back it would have to be at least a fortnights break,to compensate for two days in the air,so no i wont be coming back unless i get one of THOSE phone calls.

 

IF i had the spare money i would do it the other way round and give my family the money to help with THEIR costs to visit US.

I will also probably be self employed so would have to factor in the lost wages for these holidays,IE 4 weeks lost wages plus flight costs,lot of money in my eyes.

Theres also the .....why do i want to visit somewhere ive spent the last 40+ yrs anyway?factor.

I would prefer to contribute to my family seeing somewhere they have never been,than me revisit old haunts.

My father is 73 and in ill health,he has never wanted to fly and never has,even when he was in the army getting transferred to Cyprus he had the choice of flying or ship,he chose the ship,BUT he IS willing to fly to see us and our new life in oz(touchwood).

So no,no way would i incur all those costs because a member of my family refused to visit us(if he is terrified of flying my apologies,but if he is simply refusing?tough titty,he wouldnt see us then).

Mainly tho coming home wouldnt be a holiday for me/us,THEM visiting us WOULD be a holiday for them,plus im told its cheaper from uk to oz than oz to uk?i dont know that btw,just what i read on here.

[oidara]

His father worked abroad a lot 20 years ago in very difficult situations and locations - Nigeria, etc - and he's had guns pointed at his head by customs officials and all other kinds of traumatic experiences. He can't seem to divorce that from the idea of a trip on Qantas!

 

It's not just travelling - he hates being out in public, will rarely go to restaurants, and had nightmares in the lead-up to our wedding at having to socialise with so many people (and we only had 50 guests!).

 

So my husband feels like he has to go back to see his dad (and other family). Not out of obligation or the feeling that that's what THEY expect, but because it's what HE wants himself. Of course he also wants his wife and kids to be happy. Guess it will just come down to which is most important...I have to say it's looking like his "first" family right now. :em4600:

[JoandJon]

Is it realistic = Not for me, but it might be for you.

 

3 main reasons why I don't think it's realistic:

1. You need to settle into Australia as a family, him heading back twice a year will interfere with settling in and identifying with Oz as home, rather than the UK.

2. Money - all been said already by others

3. Time - if you've got the money, it's probably 'cos you're working a lot, which means you won't have the time!

 

Once a year might be do-able, twice is unrealistic. 3 times in 2 years - it's a push, but might work for you. It all depends on your priorities and what's important to you.

 

Like Pablo said - your best bet is to get the family to visit you instead. Before you know it they'll have the bug and you'll never get rid of them!

 

We didn't expect hubby's Mum to even consider flying out to visit us, but she's actually talking about it now - and we haven't even left yet!! She's told us before it's a definite NO to flying, but we stuck firm to our decision and she's come around

[JoandJon]

His father worked abroad a lot 20 years ago in very difficult situations and locations - Nigeria, etc - and he's had guns pointed at his head by customs officials and all other kinds of traumatic experiences. He can't seem to divorce that from the idea of a trip on Qantas!

 

It's not just travelling - he hates being out in public, will rarely go to restaurants, and had nightmares in the lead-up to our wedding at having to socialise with so many people (and we only had 50 guests!).

 

So my husband feels like he has to go back to see his dad (and other family). Not out of obligation or the feeling that that's what THEY expect, but because it's what HE wants himself. Of course he also wants his wife and kids to be happy. Guess it will just come down to which is most important...I have to say it's looking like his "first" family right now. :em4600:

 

:hug:

Does your FIL know your hubby's ideas? If he's sensible you might be able to actually work with him and sort it all out!

The best thing about Oz is that your FIL doesn't actually have to socialise if he doesn't want to. If you pick the right activities and things to do he can go for hours and hours and not see a soul! A BBQ in the back yard with just the family is fine - and pretty damned great

For the journey - I swear by Kindle, ipod and noise cancelling headphones = blissful privacy and as much to read and listen to as he can tolerate. No need to be sociable at all if you don't want to.

 

Good luck, and i hope you keep us updated

[oidara]

Thanks for all the support and advice.

 

FIL doesn't know the plan yet. MIL is here in Slovenia for a visit and we told her 2 days ago. She will tell him on her return to England. Sadly, I am certain FIL can't be reasoned with. I know this because of living abroad for 7 years and him only making one visit (because MIL essentially "forced" him into it to meet the new grandchild).

 

That's why it's such a tough decision for my husband to make. I've tried to compromise by living in Slovenia and Austria since 2004 (really don't like England!!), but it's not working out because of the language barrier, etc. Which means it's tough for me too, as I feel like I am being forced into a life in England which I doubt I can enjoy (I suffer mentally in dull weather and also physically in the cold because, I believe, of my thyroid condition).

 

I know this isn't anything any of you can resolve for us, but I do appreciate your input on how feasible the multiple trips would be. It's sounding not so feasible, so it's looking like Oz is off the cards for me yet again.

 

Thanks folks.