In need of good advice. PLEASE

[Guest dani]

I am writing this because I think thare are some smart people here with lots of life experience and feel that I might get good advice.

Where do I start:eek:

I moved to Australia - Gold Coast from UK with two children; daughter 13yrs and son 4yrs old on permanent residency visa in April 2010 after divorce with my husband who moved to Croatia and wants to stay there with his parents.

My daughter always wanted to go to Australia and loves it here. I love it too but I also love UK and consider it my home although I do not have any family there but have lots of friends. Moving to Australia seemed like a great opportunity to start fresh with my children away from all the problems.

I worked in UK for 10yrs as a nurse, last 6yrs as Ward Manager. I am not able to work in Australia yet becaus need to sort our registraiton in Oz but hoping to start work in January when my son starts school but I will have to start working from the bottom again.

My son loves it here but he misses his father. Every night before bed he says that he wants to go on the plane and go to hug his father and to play with him. It brakes my heart because I feel guilty that I took him so far away and that he will have to grow up without his father and just see him maybe once a year for school holidays, especially because I grew up without father. So that made me think I should move back to UK, althought his father lives in Croatia he would be able to see him more often and on every school holiday he could go and stay with him as it is much closer and cheeper. On the other hand my daughter does not even want to hear about moving back to UK. I do not mind where I live as I like both countries but I know it would be easier for me in UK because I have friends support there, I can start work straight away at my grade which I worked really hard for and done lots of courses and Croatia is close so we could travel often. So there is my dilema do I go or do I stay. Somehow I feel that I should go cos of my son but on the other hand there is my daughter. It is hard in Oz now but with time it will get easier I know when I start to work but again it is so far away from everythinh.

I do not want them to miss on a great life in Oz sunshine and sea but I do not want them to miss out on being close to father. I do not want to leave it for too long to make decision cos my daughter is 13yrs old and because of her education.

I can not sleep in the night and find it hard making a decision. If anyone has any good advice and can put my mind into right perspective I would be really gratefull, even if anyone can advice me on what wold they do in my case, I just need help to clear my mind.

Thank you so much.

[BuddysMum]

I can't help much. It's a decision only you can make.

 

Just want to say that I hope you can reach a compromise which suits all of you. I really feel for you.

[sleepywombat]

Hi Dani

 

You have to make the decision based on what YOU would like to provide for yourself and your children.

 

I read your post a while ago and have been thinking about it since... All I can read is that your childrens father chose to move to Croatia (regardless of the reasons) and leave you to be the sole parent of your children. Whilst I agree that he has that personal choice to make - he isn't the one seeing the tears at night and the look of loss on your sons face.

 

If this was me, I would be thinking something along the lines of "bugger you, you made your choice and it wasn't living within an easy commute of our family...." I would hope that he would put in the effort and come and see you and your children in your home land regardless of how many hours on a plane it would take him...

 

I may seem to be being a little unsympathetic, but you have put in an awful lot of effort to get where you are now and you will find your way back on your career path if you want it badly enough (regardless of where you are in the world) - don't let it all be in vain but also give yourself and your kids time to adjust and create a home - April wasn't so long ago...

 

Good luck & hugs

 

Cx

[Cob]

Hello Dani

I have to agree with sleepy wombat on this one. You are a very 'young' PIO.

If it were me - and of course this is so hypothetical - I would try and ride out the storm.

You say your son does love it here so could it be you who really wants to go back, are you feeling a bit guilty - ex husbands have a knack of that? Of course he misses his Dad - he will in the UK too. I can only see trauma for you both if he goes back and forth to Croatia for hols.

Once you get yourself into the workplace again you will have the opportunity to meet more people and i'm sure you will get up that ladder again quickly - there is such a shortage of nurses.

I have a friend who is a nurse - about to move to the Gold Coast from Melbourne at the end of August and she too will be seeking work - do you want me to give your details to her - pm me if you do?

Good luck

'Aunty' Cath

[Quoll]

I would ask the question, is it the people in your life who matter the most to you or the sunshine? If it is the people then I would be going to where my people are and enjoying the support whilst being a single parent. If it is the sunshine then you can either stay where you are (and I wouldnt be listening to the wants of a 13 year old girl in making that decision - she will be off and gone when she is 20 like most Aussies, and probably back to Europe, you are the parent) or you can find somewhere in Europe closer to Croatia that enables your son to see his father more often.

 

As a single parent, starting at the bottom of your career again you are in for a few hard years and even though you have friends, they arent family and you will probably find that they are quite transient and have their own families to look after. This can be a very isolating experience when you are doing it on your own.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[mcmillsa]

For a start i admire you for coming here as a single parent. Alot depends on your home circumstances if you had a close circle of friends and family that helped out with your children and support for you. On my own experience I came 3 years ago with my son then 2 (now 5) and daughter who was the 12 (now 15). Both kids settled straightaway my daughter then became homesick and wanted to return about 9 months after arriving. She soon settled again but is open to returning as we plan to next year. As for work I am also a nurse and only ever worked part time on a grade 5. Once working as a nurse here I soon got promotion, there has been been plenty of opportunity. It is difficult especially with teenage children go with your gut instinct and enjoy your time here whilst you are here. :biggrin:

[harrisj67]

Dani, you're doing it tough at the moment! You need a good break. You are very new to Australia and you'll need to give it some time. Although I'm only saying this out of a gut feeling, you must be a pretty positive person, who is willing to give it a go; that'll go a long way Downunder. Your youngest is making noises that would also be made back in the UK and it would tug on the heartstrings either way. He is a long way from what he knows and is naturally distressed. Discussing how he feels may help both of you; your daughter needs to be involved as well. Getting involved in local society or sport groups may also help. You ARE far from home and you need to go that extra mile to make this adventure work.

With regards to work, you are in an in-demand profession, but, like many of us, it seems as though all your prior experience counts for nothing. To some extent this is true, but I know people who have gone leaps and bounds in their career since arriving here. Are their specialist agents you can meet to discuss your position – are there any discussions in Poms in Oz? You do seem to have significant experience and that just needs to be tailored to meet and tap into the Australian market. Health is massive over here and seems to have more money than the UK.

Dani, I hope you have the strength to give Australia a good go and your family adapt to living life over here. Good luck!!

[Burnett]

There are no perfect decisions

 

We do the best we can at the time – based on what we have to work with at the time

 

For instance it you won a million dollars or broke your leg tomorrow – your decisions would be different to today’s

 

At the moment, two out of three in your family are happy with your decision to come to Australia. That’s a 66% success rate ! More, because your son is not unhappy here. He’s little more than a baby and at the moment, he wants to see his father sometimes. But most of the time, he’s happy to be with you

 

Things change all the time. Very soon, your son will be at school. He’ll have new friends. They will become very important to him. He will be happy with them. New experiences replace the old. Memories fade to be replaced by other memories

 

Loss. We experience loss throughout life. Loss is part of life. Loss of a parent, a pet, a treasured item. Loss of friends. Loss of place. Loss of love. New experiences replace the old. Yesterday’s loss fades - and is replaced by new gains, new friends, new loves, new places

 

Leaving and Arriving. Most of us leave somewhere and arrive somewhere else. It’s a challenge. We look back to where we were and we look forward to where we’re going. Part of life. We retain memories of the old as we experience the new. We try not to compare, for it’s said that ‘Comparisons are odious ‘

 

We don’t stay the same, any of us – not children, not adults. We’re constantly changing. Our tastes change. Our beliefs change. Our loyalties change. Our opportunities, our energies, our interests, our loves, our appearance, our skills, our priorities, our beliefs, our certainties, our likes and dislikes, our attitudes – they’re all changing - all the time - at different times - at different rates

 

The three of you are a family. And out there somewhere is your children’s father.

He’s said he plans to live in Croatia with his parents. People say and do lots of things during and after divorce. But then they change too.

 

Your husband’s not a monk: he’s been married and a father. Chances are high that sooner rather than later (no matter what he’s said ) he will become involved in relationships.

 

He might have a string of girlfriends or he might live-with or marry again - or several times. Again, chances are high that the women with whom he becomes involved will already have children. And chances are also high that your ex-husband will have more children. It’s highly possible that regardless of what he’s said in the past – he will return to the UK. Or to Canada or the US. Or even to Australia. Who knows ?

 

Your son is changing all the time. He’s becoming used to living with his mother and sister and soon he’ll be at school and will have friends who will be a very big part of his life. In a couple of years, your son will have loads of little mates and his main concern will be spending time with them.

 

In a few years time, his father could be living back in the UK with another wife and a couple of small children. The idea of leaving his mates to go back to the UK to spend time with a father struggling with a noisy household will probably not appeal to your son by then. You might find, if that situation arose, that you would have to force your son to spend time with his father. And as the years went by, your son would probably refuse to go

 

Dani, your life is changing all the time too. Out of the blue, you might meet a man here in Australia. In a few years, you could be married again or in a stable relationship

 

Your daughter is also changing. Childhood is slipping behind her now as she looks to the future – her future. She has many challenges ahead of her. In a few years, she’ll be pushed in one of several ways, sometimes all at once. Education vs employment. Study vs fun. There will be loss, gain, success, failure, joy, sadness, etc. Life’s little dance. But it won’t be long before she’ll be making her own decisions - and sooner than you expect, she’ll have moved on

 

You had reasons to divorce and you had reasons which decided you to come to Australia. It’s your business alone, but only you know if your husband was a good father. If he was violent or alcoholic. If he was a decent provider. If he was a good parent. Only you know if he now provides for them financially, or if it’s always ‘next month’. Only you know if you’d trust him with your son’s welfare, over in Croatia.

 

Your daughter is happy to be in Australia. Maybe out of loyalty to you she’s not telling you she’s missing her father. Maybe she’s not. Maybe she has reason not to particularly miss him. In any event, she can visit him herself in a few years, if she wants to and if he wants her to. Meanwhile, what’s to prevent your ex-husband from visiting the children in Australia ? What are his priorities ?

 

Employment. Only you know how long it will take you to climb up the career ladder again in Australia. Only you know how hard it will be, or how long it will take. Only you are in a position to judge if you will be able to achieve the same (or greater) job satisfaction and income in Australia as you had in the UK. Only you know if or how much you miss your workmates in the UK or if you would have greater work and financial security in the UK

 

Friends. Friends cannot be replaced. But we make new friends. And old friends are subject to change, like everything else. Divorce, unemployment, illness, finances – these can all change friends and friendships. Only you know if your friends in the UK would make life easier and more enjoyable for you, if you returned to the UK.

 

Distance. Yes, Australia, as you say, is a long way from everything. You don’t appreciate the distance until you live here. But, Europe is still there – just a plane flight away. Couple of days and you’re there again. Getting from the UK to Croatia is a journey too, culturally and otherwise. How would your son, for instance, get from the UK to Croatia ? He’s far too young to travel on his own. So you’d need to take time off work to take him there. Then again to collect him. That’s four trips. Or it would require your ex-husband to travel to and from the UK .. four trips for him too.

 

Your daughter might tell you she doesn’t want to see her father in Croatia. Your ex-husband or his family might hold you responsible for that. It can get nasty. At least here in Australia, you don’t have those problems

 

If your ex-husband does move back to the UK and/or establish another relationship or family there (and it happens more often than you might think) your children would suffer from what they’d regard as rejection. They could feel they’ve been replaced. Or your ex-husband might claim he can’t afford to visit them. Or his new partner might make it difficult. Again, all these scenarios are quite common. There are lots of possibilities along these lines. In Australia, thanks to the distance, you and the children are spared from such scenarios

 

You’re a very courageous woman, Dani, to have made the decisions you’ve made so far. There are no ideal solutions, no decision that will please everyone in the family all the time. We just do the best we can, based on what we have to work with at the time

 

Parents can’t always be popular with their children. The best parents can hope for is respect for their efforts, later on down the line

 

All the best : )

[saunders 5]

Hi Dani,

 

What an amazing and brave lady you are. Where abouts on the Gold Coast are you. I too am a nurse that left the uk on the same level as yourself and now am at the bottom of the ladder but it is hard. I have to tell myself the money isn't too bad the way the exchange rate is at the mo without having all the added responsibility.

As for your family situation it is a very difficult decision and you can only go on your gut feeling and what is best for you and your children. At the end of the day your ex-husband went back to Croatia away from his children and you have to choose the life that will make you the happiest and this will reflect on your childrens happpiness in the long term.

I too live on the Gold Coast. Keep in touch.

Alison