teenagers eh

[hillyman]

Hi all, iv'e asked this question before didn't get much response to those that

did respond THANKS some good advise,here's the thing, i have an 18yr old daughter

who says she isn't going to emigrate with myself , husband and her younger sister,the

thing is, she has no job, no prospects, no money and when we leave no home, we've

sold our house which we move out of next friday when we'll move in with my mum, so the move to oz is getting more real,because it's becoming more real she's digging her heals in, this is making us think if what were doing is the right thing, going to oz should

be an exciting thing but leaving my daughter behind terrifies me,so the question is what would you do or say to her if you were in my shoes,any advise would me great

im at my wits end.:arghh:

Paulaxx

[ali]

Play it cool, tell her that you support her decision to stay behind, that she's now an adult and at 18 you can't make her do anything. Start putting the job section in front of her, take her to see some one bedroom flats (which probably won't be very nice), so she can see how she'll be living. Be practical, if she wants to stay behind, then she'll need a job, house etc., etc., Ask her to validate her visa with you, because is she doesn't validate by the date it says then she will lose that opportunity of coming to Aus and would then need to apply in her own right.

 

Hope it all works out

[The Bray Family]

I know how you feel we have a 17 year old boy who's a pain in the butt.We managed to get him out here but still have problems with him.Although most of the time he dosn't want to go back but everytime he falls out with us the first thing is i hate it here and want to go back.Try to and gte her out here to validate her visa she might feel different once shes here.you need to try and get her to come out for a few months to give it a try if your coming soon then try and get her to come out and spend christmas with you with the option to return after.Its a very differcult age We got our 17 year old out with the fact that his in our care til 18 once his 18 he can go back we are hoping by then he won't want to go back.

Sarah

[ozzbound]

Our 16 year old completely hated the idea of Australia and we were 'RUINING HER LIFE' was used countless times. We had tears, tantrums and complete refusal to go to school here.

We arrived in September and she is back in school here after finishing her GCSEs in UK.

She was more than digging her heels in and so reluctant to join in.

Tomorrow night she is going to the cinemas with some kids from school and is actually taking positively about school, friends and Australia in general. When i pick her up from school she is chatty and smiling. There is nobody more amazed than us and fingers crossed it will continue.

Good luck x

[Eera]

I've been that teenager; as far as she's comncerned you've made the descision without consulting her and she's trying to assert her independence. I did all the "you can't take me away from here, I hate you" stuff as my parents moved from Australia to England and back four times when I was a minor, it's tough.

 

Effectively though, it's not really any different as to her going to university away from you, so you shouldn't feel terrified about leaving her behind; she's a grown woman and theoretically capable of making her own mind up and she's ultimately only a 21 hour flight away.

 

Ali has great advice; help her to get her own life without you, in all probability she'll see it's too much hassel, and involve her in some process like looking on the internet at houses and colleges in Australia; seeing a big place with a pool might sway her a bit (even if you don't end up with one).

[halshaw]

Hi we're in Melbourne with twin seventeen year olds who are waiting to start at the TAFE in february and its a bit gruelling. Fortunately we have been able to get them internet access and therefore UK friends almost constantly- local mall at holiday let sorted that out. They now have bikes and have joined the local leisure centre on a family pass plus we've enrolled them on short adult courses to develop skills and time fill. They've no money now so I've trawled them round the local shops with CVs- nothings come of it but trying to keep them positive. Its hard work, have had one family melt down with OH and I threatening to go back to the grandparents and not back to where we left which surprised them and seemed to settled things down but its early days. I do not recommend emigrating with teenagers!!!!

[Guest kdal]

It may be an idea to get her in contact with some others about her age on here. Even if its chatting on Facebook/msn whatever they all use these day. We came here in December 2008 and have two boys , one age 18 and one nearly 16, they do like it here although it has been hard for them to leave their friends behind.

 

We are on the Sunshine Coast, whereabouts are you heading?

 

Wishing you luck

[hillyman]

Hi guys, the advise and comments that you've all made have given me and my

husband some good ideas to work with, the thing is and this may sound realy

awful but it's good to hear that some others have had teenage trouble and still

managed to get on the plane and leave weather it be with them or

without them just hope when the time comes i can,Kdal,great idea if only i could get her to try and talk to others

on msn and such like,the Bran family good luck with your 2 hope they start

to settle more and more,halshaw i couldn't agree more but what can we do,

ozzbound you know where im coming from hope we have as much luck,

ali as usual you give good sound advise thanks to all.

Paulaxx

[Guest]

Someone I met through this board left there son who was that sort of age, I know she cried for the whole of the flight and found the first few months hard. When we met up again at a PIO meet, her son was out here and had a job and a girlfriend - he even came to the meet!

 

As someone else said at 18 she could be leaving home to go off to uni - I did. Will she stay with your mum anyway? How does your mum feel about that? If she is then I'd suggest to your mum, keep her safe, feed her but don't give her money for going out, clothes, mobile phone etc. either she'll come running to mum asap or grow-up fast and get herself a job and some prospects neither of which is a bad thing.

 

But yes, do whatever you have to do to get her to validate - bribe her massively if necessary otherwise she could regret it forever.

[Guest guest17301]

Call her bluff, she'll probably change her tune if she thinks you'll actually go without her. But be loving and supportive too-reverse psychology, she's still a child IMO-I was at 18! Ali's reply is spot on. Not sure I could leave my 18 yr old behind but all depends on the child I suppose?

[Mongrel]

Our daughter stayed behind with the rellies from hell , can only support them ,yes the money tree has veeery long branches and leave em to get on with it ,there choice ,although it causes you grief

[The Ozcans]

Hi Paula

I like Ali's suggestion. Show her some flats and price out the cost of living for each month to her. Council tax, rent, gas, electric, phone, broadband, food, transport. Then look at the wages she may earn - work out how much she'd have left over for clothes, going out, household extras.

If she goes for it then good for her, she how long she lasts, (not that you'd want her to, but if she can do it then you've done a good job) and if she doesn't manage it then guess where she'll be??

But treat her as an adult, don't lay on any other emotion, just tell her if she wants to stay that's how it will be - it should make her grow up a bit and get her thinking!!

Defo get her to validate!

Lots of luck.

Hope it works out for all of you.

 

Sue x

[KIRK AND CO]

itsn easy to say when your pissed off with them (your 18 your life my life now if you want to stay here your choice ) do we mean it could we go answer not in a million years.

[The Ozcans]

Yes, I understand. But call their bluff.

In fact why not start now. Withdraw your parental labour - see how they like having to pay their way and sort all their stuff out!

At the end of the day your job as a parent is to bring them up to look after themselves. Letting them live in an all expenses paid hotel is teaching them nothing - and then they're going to emotionally blackmail you on top??? (and if they win, what will they learn from that?)

Help them to become independent if that's what they want. Show them how much they'll miss you and the things you do for them.

It would be incredibly tough to leave them here I'm not denying that, but 18 is a resonable age to leave home.

It's a risk you have to take. Do you trust them? Do they trust themselves?

Good luck

 

Sue x

[Guest kdal]

Calling their bluff is a hard one, friends of ours did this and it hasnt worked to anyones advantage, the daughter stayed behind in a relationship that is no good and probably would have ended if her parents would have stayed in the Uk or if the daughter would have came here.

 

I think the other thing is, you know your children and know when they are ready to leave the nest, some are ready earlier than others and some later! I know at 18 my son is not ready yet.

 

Good Luck hope it all works out well for all of you:wubclub:

 

[hillyman]

Hi guy's and again thanks for your replies,i took ali's advise and wen't through the cost

of living and supporting herself if she got a flat, she knows she can't afford to manage

but she's still adament about not coming although she did say to put her summer clothes

in the container which comes tommorrow,if she decide's not to come and we do leave

what would be our chances of making a new life in oz without her,i suppose no one can

answer this question and i suppose time will tell,again thanks to everyone.

Paulaxx

[Guest]

All good advice, we are in a similair situation...18 year old daughter from hell most days...but then arent they all in their own little ways.

 

Plan is for her to come out with us and validate the visa, she's agreed to that. Then she flys back to finish college staying with her brother and girlfriend...she's moving in with them before we leave for a month or so first and hopefully that will open her eyes a bit.

 

Then she's coming back over for some of the UK summer at least while she decides Uni in UK or Aus. Her choice, tho the money is gonna cost me either way, if not fees then flights backwards and forwards.

 

But as has been said, she's all grown up now, well at least she thinks so. She would be leaving for Uni one way or the other tho she doesnt quite see it as we do, but we just have to give her the choice and the options and hope it all works out ok in the end. Thats only what we all do for our kids anyway when it comes down to it

[hillyman]

Hi ericfish,ur right we are in a similare position,it as already been said that we

bring our kids up the best we can and hope they make the right choices in life

i suppose once the apron strings have been cut you can only x your fingers and

hope,hope things work out your side,at least we know others have managed it.

good luck.

Paulaxx

[Guest KerryCraig]

Hi There,

 

We are in the same position as well, have an 18 year old son who thinks he knows everything !!!! adament he is not coming, we live in Cornwall now but he has just got work in the Midlands and moving in with my Mom while he finishes his electrical apprentiship ( 1 year left) what we have said is hopefully get him on our visa then validate and then he has 5 years to make his mind up!! Hopefully in this time he will change his mind!

Think that is the only thing we can all do in this postion, its not going to be easy im dreading when we go ( which could be very soon as o/h has a job sponsor) and so feel like the guilty party!! feeling that everyone will be against me as my Mom is hating the idea aswell.

But at the end of the day have to be strong and remember what the prize is !! for ourselves and other children in the family.

Its good to hear other peoples stories and reallise your not the only ones going through this.

Wishing you all the luck and support in the world!

[janieco]

Hi guy's and again thanks for your replies,i took ali's advise and wen't through the cost

of living and supporting herself if she got a flat, she knows she can't afford to manage

but she's still adament about not coming although she did say to put her summer clothes

in the container which comes tommorrow,if she decide's not to come and we do leave

what would be our chances of making a new life in oz without her,i suppose no one can

answer this question and i suppose time will tell,again thanks to everyone.

Paulaxx

Hi Paula what are the reasons she gives for not coming to oz ?? maybe if we know that we can tackle it better. xxx

[hillyman]

Hi Guys,Thanks again for your words of wisdom,hi Kerrycraig,i do hope things work out

for you with your son,your right about staying positive and being strong, i think your son

really needs to finish his apprentiship and you never know he may choose to ply is trade

in oz,hi Jenieco,the main reason for my daughter not coming is this boy she is seeing, he

say's he does'nt want her to go but there is nothing he can offer her he's no job she's no

full time job and where worried sick she may follow her heart and not her head,how and

where are they going to live,i don't want her to start depending on the state for this won't

help her in the long run,i suppose as i said earlier as a parent we can only advise and hope

they listen,thanks to all for letting me rant it really does make me feel better and then my

daughter walks in and im back to square one lol.

Thanks again.

Paulaxx

[TraceyT]

Hi,

My daughter is 15 and she was not happy about the thought of a move to Oz, but I have bribed her with a new wardrobe when or if we ever get there, which has seemed to work. They are quite fickle at that age, and probably a little less independant than 18. I would give anything a go really, it will be worth a positive outcome.

Tracey xx