my parents are driving me away!!!!

[natasha2106]

Will try to make this short!

 

I have told my parents that I plan to move to oz with my hubby and kids, they said that they were happy for us. However since telling them my dad just keeps saying its too far, why don't you look at spain or canary islands etc. but the more he goes on the more Im more determined to leave.

 

they have been really distant since telling them too, they have not included me in joint present buying for xmas just gone out and done it themselves, ie - dad and my brother and sister have brought my mom a private number plate for christmas but they didnt' ask me if I would like to contribute so that it was from all of us.

 

I know this probably sounds really trival - but there are lots of other things too and there is a long history between my parents and I.

 

when they asked what i wanted for christmas i asked for a contribution towards my flight ticket to oz next year - but my dad just laughed it off and said 'seriously what do u want for xmas' --- so annoying just never good enough in their eyes, I will be better off the other side of the world at least I will be out the way all together then.....

 

sorry for the rant - just needed to let off steam.

 

Just want to be in oz no uk!!!!!!!!

 

:sad::sad:

[BuddysMum]

I'm sorry they are making this so much harder.

 

Families, huh?

 

I hope you don't mind me making a suggestion though. Please try your very hardest to make sure that when you do actually leave UK, you are on the best terms you can be with your parents.

 

Looking at life realistically, you won't see them for a very long time, if ever (sorry), and it would be awful to leave things on bad terms and just allow things to fester at a distance. That is the road to massive regrets IMO.

 

I don't know all your history, but I do have a lot of life experience, and I personally would do anything to avoid the regrets which can come from this sort of situation.

 

I hope you don't mind me putting my oar in.

[natasha2106]

thank you for your reply - i agree with everything you say but at the same time I just wish they would be a bit more helpful and positive towards us.

[Guest SunshineSmile]

Will try to make this short!

 

I have told my parents that I plan to move to oz with my hubby and kids, they said that they were happy for us. However since telling them my dad just keeps saying its too far, why don't you look at spain or canary islands etc. but the more he goes on the more Im more determined to leave.

 

they have been really distant since telling them too, they have not included me in joint present buying for xmas just gone out and done it themselves, ie - dad and my brother and sister have brought my mom a private number plate for christmas but they didnt' ask me if I would like to contribute so that it was from all of us.

 

I know this probably sounds really trival - but there are lots of other things too and there is a long history between my parents and I.

 

when they asked what i wanted for christmas i asked for a contribution towards my flight ticket to oz next year - but my dad just laughed it off and said 'seriously what do u want for xmas' --- so annoying just never good enough in their eyes, I will be better off the other side of the world at least I will be out the way all together then.....

 

sorry for the rant - just needed to let off steam.

 

Just want to be in oz no uk!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Hi Natasha,

 

Im sticking my neck out here but have to say that my parents are very like yours, actually, my Mother to be exact. All very supportive but when it comes to the crunch, you get the guilt trip. And then you get the exclusion. Its all a form of emotional blackmail. You say "never good enough" If that was the case they wouldnt give a hoots that you are going and you would not have the behaviour from them that you are experiencing. So, take it from me, they do not want to lose you.. they just dont know how to express that.

Keep trying, take no notice of the attempts at exclusion. Focus on where you want to be, do not lose sight of that and ultimately thay will respect you for it.

 

Hope im not out of line :wideeyed:

 

Best of luck, and for what its worth, you are not alone :hug:

[ali]

The move to aus (and probably anywhere in the world) brings out the best and worst of families I think. I'm sure alot of people will appreciate 'where you're coming from' on this one, better to rant on here than explode to your parents. I can imagine you were very hurt at not being asked to contribute to the joint pressie... I know I would be

 

Hope things improve ... if not you can always sound off on here lol

Ali x

[Guest HappyBunny]

My opinion, FWIW, is that it is your parents role to be happy for you and support your decision even if they think it's the wrong one. You are a grown up and entitled to make your own decisions (and equally your own mistakes). If everything works out they should be pleased for you, knowing how happy you are and if everything comes down around your ears they should be there to help you pick up the pieces in a non-judgemental way.

 

I know it's hard but try to keep your chin up and keep focused on your goal. If they don't come around to the idea and end up pushing you away it is them that will lose out in the long run.

 

Only my opinion, you know deep down what's right for you. Best wishes xx

[Guest Deb62]

Hi Natasha;

Your parents' behaviour towards you sounds very hurtful. I think maybe that you going with the children is perhaps really hard for them to come to terms with? They may need a bit of time, they could be feeling quite hurt. That doesn't excuse them from hurting you in return mind, but is maybe understandable. Do you feel that they could be feeling rejected? Often when someone feels rejected they reject in return to protect themselves from the hurt feelings. They may need reassuring how much you love them so they can see that your decision to go isn't a rejection of them but made for quite other reasons. I think maybe you need to try to really talk to them about their feelings and yours if that's possible. I hope that Christmas will bring you all together rather than make things more painful, hang in there,

Deb

[Guest WARDStoOZ]

Hi there! Feel free to let off as much steam as you want... I understand your frustration! Maybe when the fact that you're perfectly serious begins to sink in they'll be better with you... it might just be shock or trying to put you off by encouraging you not to discuss it. I agree with Ali that some families can be very difficult during the process and it really depends on what type of family you have! Lots of Luck though and don't give up on your dream!!!

 

Take care,

 

Dan xx :emoticon-signxmas:

[LYNMACMD]

It isn't only parents we have older children from my first marriage trying guilt trips but they have their own lives can't we have ours? Hope you manage to build bridges it can be tough but as others have said they may well feel rejected

[Guest guest17301]

It really is a guilt trip isn't it? I've lost count of the number of people who have given me the 'how can you leave your family' look in the last few months. My relationship with my Mum has become 'strained' to say the least in the last few months. I won't go into detail but she has her own 'issues' and me going to Oz have not really helped (though she says she's fine with it and doesn't want to come with us!) At the end of the day I think you have to be a bit selfish, think of your immediate family (ie OH and kids) and as already mentioned try to stay on good terms with everyone because life really is too short to fall out with your family...when your thousands of miles away I imagine it makes the homesickness even worse

Take care and I hope things improve soon for you

[Guest treesea]

I have been on both sides of this "divide", as a child leaving my maternal grandparents behind, and as a mother leaving my own parents behind, and when it comes to parents who are also grandparents, it can be difficult.

 

Obviously everyone's family is different, and hopefully this won't be your fate, but my grandparents never really forgave my parents, who emigrated to Oz then NZ when I was seven, for depriving them of what they saw as their right to be our grandparents on a face to face regular basis. I came back for a visit in my twenties, and I remember my grandma saying how bereft they felt when we left, and how the feeling of loss never quite went away.

 

And now here I am repeating this cycle of fate again, and for the same reasons as my parents - because I believe my children can have a better future here in Scotland than in Australia - and my mum is going through exactly the same feelings her mum went through.

 

It may not get easier as time goes on, because, apart from the "you're depriving us of our right to see our grandchildren grow up" side of things, the other side, which I am finding now, just as my mother found when she left is that, as our parents get older, they need more support from their children, and with going, the burden of that support falls more on the shoulders of the siblings who stayed behind.

 

While I agree with Buddysmum that it is a good idea to not leave things on less than ideal terms, I also think its impossible to control how other people feel. My Mum came back on a few occasions to see her parents without my brother and I in tow, and she said to me that each time she had felt they were a bit cool towards her, which I think really hurt her. When I asked my grandma about this several years later, and she said something along the lines of "well, your mother felt okay about taking you to the other side of the world, so she obviously didn't need us in her life and felt she could cope without us, and we, for our part, have learnt to cope without her."

 

In spite of possible non-ideal outcomes with your parents, I still recommend doing what you think is right for you. If you succumb to emotional blackmail, you'll never know if emigrating would have been a good decision or not. You'll know if Australia is right for you once you get there. Sometimes you just have to trust yourself and go with what your gut tells you, even if it means having to learn to live with the constant pull of strings on your heart.

[Guest DebbieS]

My son has been in Australia for 8 years now and I miss him of course, however I'm also pleased that he has a great life out there. My parents were still alive when he went, although my dad never knew as he was suffering from dementia. My mum was so pleased for her grandson, as they had visited Australia a few times and loved it.

 

I do admit that when my grandsons were born, I couldn't really feel the same as when my granddaughter was born here. I had seen them on web cam, but never being able to have a cuddle was very hard. I have now been over and got to know them and it's made it harder in some ways, because I now miss them every day.

 

The way I look at it is, that the most I could want was for my children to lead happy, fullfilled lives and that is exactly what my son is doing. I'm proud that I've raised a man who is confident and independant enough to have made the move and build a future for himself and his family.

 

I really hope that your family get used to the idea of you going, but please don't feel you are the one being selfish if they don't.

[The Ozcans]

Hi Natasha

I think you`ve got some good sound advice from everyone here. It`s surprising how common it is isn`t it? As another recipient of this behaviour by 2 different parents on both sides it certainly isn`t nice. I can honestly say that every milestone in my life has been tainted by the feeling of not being good enough (and my OH) but we`re used to it now and honestly don`t expect anything else from them. All I can say is that it has taught me well how not to behave towards my kids EVER. It is sad, but do what is best for yourselves and be happy.

Good luck x

[natasha2106]

thank you all for your replies.

As i said in my earlier message, there is alot of history between me and my parents, and I have always been the odd the one out. But they are just making me feel even more out of the loop.

My husband and I have said that we will just concentrate on the move with our children and let the rest follow afterwards. If they want to leave me out of family things, then fine as I have my own family and they are my priortity.

Again thanks to everyone who commented and helped me feel that I'm not the only one with problems with parents.

Tasha

[Guest Mummy3]

thank you all for your replies.

As i said in my earlier message, there is alot of history between me and my parents, and I have always been the odd the one out. But they are just making me feel even more out of the loop.

My husband and I have said that we will just concentrate on the move with our children and let the rest follow afterwards. If they want to leave me out of family things, then fine as I have my own family and they are my priortity.

Again thanks to everyone who commented and helped me feel that I'm not the only one with problems with parents.

Tasha

 

Some will say that different people react differently to situations, like the fact that you want to leave for Oz. But I think that your parents have been downright rude to exclude you and it just isn't playing fair. I hope that you can all make peace with eachother before you go. I can understand that they'll feel upset at you leaving, but surely they should make the most of you being here!

[Quoll]

Whilst I have been blessed with parents who basically said "it's your life, get on with it" and I have tried to do the same with my kids - one of whom has gone back to UK. I can to a degree put myself in their shoes. What you are doing to them is hurtful even though you may not see that and when you are hurt you do what you can to make your own pain go away. If, for them, that means shutting the space that you will make in their lives before you actually leave then that is a sort of self protection device for them. Of course, you feel that you have a history which makes you see yourself as the victim of their nastiness and that may well be true, they may be nasty people, I dont know. But, they are human beings, they are going to miss you and your family (their grandkids) and they are dealing with that in the only way they know how. For you to ask for money to make their hurt more (which is what you did, by asking for help with the fare) then you were, to a degree, rubbing salt in their wound.

 

Emigration is a horrible thing for families sometimes, and to be successful, you have to be very self sufficient, self contained and selfish and really not care what the outcome is for those you leave behind. But I do agree with the others, whatever you do, dont leave on bad terms with them because you will hate yourself down the track if you do. Meanwhile, be kind to them (model good behaviour!) and dont keep reminding them that you will be going and dont expect them to be deleriously happy that you are causing them pain. Good luck!

[Guest Mummy3]

Whilst I have been blessed with parents who basically said "it's your life, get on with it" and I have tried to do the same with my kids - one of whom has gone back to UK. I can to a degree put myself in their shoes. What you are doing to them is hurtful even though you may not see that and when you are hurt you do what you can to make your own pain go away. If, for them, that means shutting the space that you will make in their lives before you actually leave then that is a sort of self protection device for them. Of course, you feel that you have a history which makes you see yourself as the victim of their nastiness and that may well be true, they may be nasty people, I dont know. But, they are human beings, they are going to miss you and your family (their grandkids) and they are dealing with that in the only way they know how. For you to ask for money to make their hurt more (which is what you did, by asking for help with the fare) then you were, to a degree, rubbing salt in their wound.

 

Emigration is a horrible thing for families sometimes, and to be successful, you have to be very self sufficient, self contained and selfish and really not care what the outcome is for those you leave behind. But I do agree with the others, whatever you do, dont leave on bad terms with them because you will hate yourself down the track if you do. Meanwhile, be kind to them (model good behaviour!) and dont keep reminding them that you will be going and dont expect them to be deleriously happy that you are causing them pain. Good luck!

 

Do you really think that shutting her off is acceptable??? How about downright rude? Of course they're hurting. They wouldn't be human if they weren't. But you can't go round shutting your family out because you aren't happy with what they want to do with their life. I agree a little bit about rubbing salt in the wounds re the flight I suppose, but the first bit, I don't agree with.

[Guest guest17301]

Have to say Quolls post sounds about right if a bit 'harsh' in places. I think my own Mum is definitely 'hurting' and acting very disinterested (a protection mechanism) and I am definitely being 'selfish' and trying not to think about her feelings and concentrating on my OH and kids (my own self defence mechanism) I think if we thought about our parents too much we ould never be able to leave!

I recognise that I am being 'distant' with her to protect myself from the pain of leaving her behind! No matter what your relationship with your parents you only get one set and leaving them is very very painful and a difficult, 'selfish' choice. Sometimes we need to be selfish for the sake of ourselves and our partners and children.

[Guest topcat771]

Haha parents, I wonder if they really know the damage and upset they can cause? I to was always the odd one out. I seek adventure and follow my dreams no matter whether or not they turn into nightmares! lol. I haven't conformed to my parents values, not because they are bad people and I am sure they mean wellm I just find them cold and judgemental.

When I told my parents we were thinking about going they said we needed to go and follow our dream. I thought wow, we've done something right. In their next breath they went onto say we were going for our own very selfish reasons not because we wanted a better life for all of us(our 3 little boys included) and we would be damaging the boys abilities to maintain relationships, their education as the UK is the best in the world.

My dad said go if that is what you want but do not expect to see me ever again as I won't visit and neither will your mum.

We put our plans off as I was wobbled by it and really thought we were being selfish and not considering the boys needs.

My sister however is married to a soldier they have just had a baby and her husband is looking for a posting to Canada. My mum told me with such pride as they were doing this for the quality of life over there.

Big lesson learnt, you can't please or undersatnd those who don't want to be pleased or understood. I am now applying for a 457 visa opposed to PR as 8 months has passed since we told them our plans and the only way we can put things back on track is the 457 and the apply for 457.

Take care. Keep smiling, what is important is in your own 4 walls

 

Clare

[Guest guest17301]

I haven't worked out how to isolate parts of posts to highlight but I think Topcat771 is spot on when she says

'What's important is in your own 4 walls'

I think we sideline our partners feelings especially and our children also, when they are actually the people we live with 24/7 and therefore should be our priority. That's how I rationalise it anyway!

[natasha2106]

once again thank you for your replies, however as already stated i have always been the odd one out, so as my husband with his family.

my mother didnt' speak to me for 12 years, i was 14 yrs old at the time and i was 26 before we started talking again. my brother and sister (mainly sister) have always been preferred in the family even though im the only one that has actually got off my arse and got diplomas and passed all exams and studies with A's and B's and made something of myself.

My sister is having a £400 laptop for xmas and all i asked for was a contribution to help for the holiday we have booked to oz. ok maybe i shouldn;t be selfish but when it has been this way all my life my sister and brother get everything and get sweet f a as per.

I know i must sound like a spoilt cow - im not, i just want to be accepted by my parents and to stop being the odd one out.

[Quoll]

Do you really think that shutting her off is acceptable??? How about downright rude? Of course they're hurting. They wouldn't be human if they weren't. But you can't go round shutting your family out because you aren't happy with what they want to do with their life. I agree a little bit about rubbing salt in the wounds re the flight I suppose, but the first bit, I don't agree with.

 

Absolutely downright rude, I agree with you but when you are hurting inside you do things which are not entirely rational. As I said, when you emigrate you have to be very egocentric and not bother about what other people may think/say/do. It looks as if the OP has a very complex family background with a huge history and lots of issues to be addressed and it may well be that a move to the other side of the world is just what is needed.

 

As I said, I never had one skerrick of problem with my aged rellies but I had a good friend who, like me, fell in love with an Aussie - her perfectly nice parents (mother basically!) went absolutely bonkers and did some horrible things to both her and her boyfriend (serious tantrums and threats, wouldnt have him in the house etc). They basically cut off their nose to spite their face because she came here on a fiance visa and married him with no one from either of their families present (may be construed as selfish) however over the years they have all mellowed and now they have a good relationship with everyone making trips in both directions but it was a horrible time there for a while. So even the most functional of families can have a really hard time dealing with being torn asunder.