Cold feet

[Fisher1]

Hi all

 

We're in our sixties and have been waiting for years for family obligations to decrease and allowing us to move to Australia to join our daughter, her partner and now our new grandchild. She is our only one so you can understand the pull.

 

Having filled in all the forms for the 143 (we are already on the 103 list) I had a health problem which I wanted to sort out before applying, and I'm happily in the clear and (should be) raring to go.

 

However, my brother in law recently died after a long illness. My sister had a very difficult time but was supported throughout by her longstanding friends and her son and daughter. The funeral was absolutely mobbed and people were so very kind, continuing to support her in the weeks since then. (I live some distance away so am not able to be there often). My sister's situation has got me thinking about the likely scenario if one of us pegs it after moving to oz. There have been so many letters on here about it being difficult to make friends etc but I never worried about it before, having travelled about a lot and always been very outgoing. Now though, I'm starting to wonder if we are making a big mistake.

 

This isn't like me, I'm always up for an adventure and have had no doubt at all during the ten years our daughter has lived in oz that its the place I ultimately want to be. My husband has always been less keen but jumped on board when our grandson was born. I cant believe I'm having such a bad case of cold feet and feel totally unsure about everything.

 

Any advice?

[Gbye grey sky]

Hi Fisher.

 

I am 55 so a little younger than you both (see my timeline). Nobody can of course assure anyone that they will assimilate and make friendships at any age let alone those of us who are older. One thing that I would recommend is that you live your own life (whether here or there) and not live vicariously through your child and grandchild. You must both foster interests and hobbies and from that a social circle and friendships should flourish.

 

We were both fully and equally onboard with the move but still had a few wobbles. Where are you planning to be headed?

[flag of convenience]

If you have a social net work in tact in UK I would question a permanent move at that age. I would if me winter in Australia, and spend the remaining time back in a place, where a sense of belonging has been formed, as well as friendships, that stretch over a period of time and are not fleeting.

 

Anyway a few 'winter breaks' (northern hem) in Australia and I'm sure a since of place will become rather self evident. Don't rush and give up what is now familiar for some unknown.

[Quoll]

I guess the question is, if your daughter wasnt in Australia is that where you would be busting to spend your retirement years? Once your kids are gone it's your life to do with as you want. If you're happy to give up an established support network then go for it, dont expect it to be the same because it wont be but take what comes and make the most of it. Must say I would never chase my kids across the world - you never know where they might end up!

 

If you're well heeled, then go for it but dont burn any bridges - hang on to your home just in case it all goes pear shaped but if it all works out you can sell the house down the track.

 

Some older folk absolutely love it and some hate it and want to go home to die, there is no telling - but if you expect to be more isolated, poorer (frozen pensions and all that) and perhaps more dependent upon your daughter and her family and if it works out better than that then you win. Alternatively spend half the year here and half the year there and get the best of both worlds

[Guest The Pom Queen]

You may have read my posts in the past. My health has been, well let's just say not good since we arrived in Australia. For me if I pop my clogs tomorrow I would die happy. I have thoroughly enjoyed my life in Australia and will do as long as health (and hubby) permits me to. However, my hubby would return to the UK to have the support of his family and brothers and my mum. If anything happened to my hubby, I would stay here, yes my mum may be in the UK but my sons are here.

However, in either situation I think you have to realise that family grieve but then they move on, the support slowly dwindles away and you are left to get on. I don't think any of us can put too much thought in to the future, the future isn't guaranteed so for me I plan for a few months at a time and no more.

You could move out here and your daughter may decide to move back to the UK, have you thought of what you would do in that instance? There are soo many paths and no right or wrong.

It is normal to get cold feet so try not to overthink.

I wish you lots of luck and hugs whatever you decide.

[Rachel Tilley]

Sometimes we yearn for something we think we will never have, and then when the opportunity arises for us to have it we often wonder whether we really want it?!

 

How well do you know your daughter's partner? Is he prepared to have a lot of contact with you when you arrive and for you both to become extended family, or will he want you to be grandparents that visit once a week and go home after a few hours? Are you intending to buy/rent a house close to them or live some distance away?

 

I know that when my son was born I welcomed the extra help and visits from my mum (my dad died when I was pregnant and the arrival of our son gave my mum something to look forward to again). My son was and is an only grandchild for her. However, my partner started to resent the extra help and visits and saw it as an intrusion on our family unit. My mum would come round in the day when he was at work and in the end the jealousy and resentment got too much. Relationships became strained and hostility set in - I was caught in the middle of the two of them and it was very hard to keep them both happy and try not to take sides. The stress caused arguments with both of them and I couldn't win, no matter who I stuck up for I'd upset the other one!

 

What are your intentions when you move to Australia? Is it to start a new life for yourselves, to explore Oz, make new friends and visit your daughter and grandchild a few times a fortnight, or is it to become a full on support system where you will depend on each other, have overnight stays and look after your grandchild a lot to help them both out with childcare?

 

Is it not possible to start off with an extended visit and stay for several months to see how you get on before you make a full commitment to move completely?

 

My ex now lives in Oz and his parents travel out to see him twice a year and they stay for around six weeks at a time. Initially, they did consider moving there themselves but over time have realised that to live there permanently would not be good for either of them or their son as he does not want that intrusion on his new family life. They are happy to see their other grandchildren and spend time with them on that basis and when they do visit they hire a motorhome and go off for a few days every week so that everyone has a break (they are in their late 60's and early 70's). They miss their son but said it was his choice to live in Oz and although they would like to see more of him and the grandchildren it would be too much for them to give up the life they have in England. They have been doing this for 11 years now and find it to be an answer that suits them all.

 

There's a big difference between being up for an adventure and re-arranging the way you live your entire life. I see an adventure as something that takes you away from 'normality' for a while, not a total change of life.

[ramot]

I can only tell you our story.

 

We retired to the Sunshine Coast 12 years ago, age 60, different circumstances to most who post as there was a visa then that didn't cost much.

 

We had been expats in Brunei and weren't ready to move back to UK when my husband retired, and decided to move here for a while, if we didn't settle we would enjoy living somewhere else for a few years, and then decide what to do next.

 

All our children were in UK, but this was what we wanted to do.

 

We absolutely love it here, we had no problem making friends, I play bridge, my husband golf, I joined the U3A, husband Probus plus other activities. So you don't have to be a burden on family, there is so much to be a part of here.

 

Have just come home from a friends 70th birthday party, and realised funnily enough while there just how many people we know, there was a mix of older At least 3rd generation Australians and newer ones.

Obviously you won't have friends that you have known most of your life, but several of our friends have lost partners and are still included in everything and well supported. We gave a friend a lift so she didn't go on her own.

 

Someone mentioned frozen pensions, that only applies to the state pension. We don't in any way feel isolated or poorer, that would depend on everyone's personal situation, but our other UK pensions are index linked so have kept up. The exchange rate though can cause problems when it goes against you. If you don't sell your UK house then rent it out for extra income.

 

2 of our children have followed us to Australia, but our only grandchildren are in UK with a son who will never move here.

We have 1 son in Brisbane who we see probably once a month'sh and a daughter in Sydney that we see several times a year, so we actually live our lives as we want to rather than through them.

 

Our attitude was was that this was our time of life to do what we wanted to do, it never occurred to us to follow our children, who in a role reversal have followed us.

 

Hope our story helps to let you know you can have a great life here.

[Fisher1]

Hi all and thanks for taking the time to offer your experiences and opinions. I quite agree about the need to make a life for yourself and not depend on your child's family for your social life - although some people do, that would not be the way we'd want to live. We have already spent many periods of 1-2 months in Australia and know that we would like to live there but would definitely not be stressing to live there if our daughter was not there.

 

For us, the six months in each country idea would be the perfect option but as you get older it isn't that easy. We were shocked to realise last year that most insurance companies will not insure you for more than two months once you reach the age of 65... and it gets worse as you get older. The frozen pensions are not a huge issue because we both have work pensions which are updated so we could manage, although we are not overburdened with dosh.

 

We have already had social get-togethers with the other in-laws and get on with them very well. We are not exactly rooted in the ground here, having worked as xpats for 24 years prior to retiring. We only settled in our present home (my childhood home) six years ago and had exactly the same concerns about coming here as we now have about Australia. Our fears then were groundless - but then it didn't cost fifty odd thousand pounds to come and settle here, so it wasn't quite as terrifying.

 

Thank you Ramot, for your positive view of life in oz. We're not looking for bosom pals, more the opportunity for a wide range of activities enabling us to meet a wide range of people as we have here. Last time we were in Sydney (where our daughter lives) we made day trips to likely outlying towns, and concluded that the area round Kiama would be a good place to settle - two hours to Sydney by train, half an hour to Wollongong, half an hour to Bowral and great walks with both mountains and coast (any info about this area gratefully noted btw). Our daughter is keen for us to make the move and we have discussed the likely scale of our contact.

 

Any suggestions for towns within a max of 2hours of Sydney with decent transport and social links would be welcome. And once again, thank you all!

[Marisawright]

Last time we were in Sydney (where our daughter lives) we made day trips to likely outlying towns, and concluded that the area round Kiama would be a good place to settle - two hours to Sydney by train, half an hour to Wollongong, half an hour to Bowral and great walks with both mountains and coast (any info about this area gratefully noted btw).

 

Kiama is lovely. It has come on a lot in recent years, transforming from a sleepy little town to a place which is very popular with Sydney retirees. It has a good mix of facilities, cafes etc now. It certainly helps that it's on the train line to Sydney too.

 

However I do think Wollongong itself is somewhat under-rated. It has a reputation as a working-class town but it has some nice suburbs and, of course, being a city it has far more amenities, better shopping, hospital etc. Of course it's also much closer to Sydney and handy (on the train line) for the lovely South Coast towns, walks and mountains in both directions.

[ramot]

Adding to my post, we wanted to be 1 hr approx. from Brisbane so a quick day trip was easy for a shopping trip see any exhibitions on at South Bank or theatre visit as we tend to go to matinees.

 

The other boring thing to consider as you get older is access to medical facilities.

[Fisher1]

Thanks for the info on Kiama Marisawright, that was sort of the picture we'd got of the place - very constructive to know there are lots of retirees there. Ramot, youre right, medical facilities do loom rather larger than they used to. We currently live 20+ miles from the nearest decent hospital and an outpatients visit, if you cant drive, involves a round trip of three hours or so. So anything less than that would be an improvement!

 

:-)