Brissybear Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Hi folks ill try and keep this as brief as possible. I had been posting in another thread about taking our step daughter to Oz and realised it was too complex. But I can't feel karma has caught up with me as me and my ex split up a few months ago and she has moved back to the Isle of Skye with my 2 year old daughter. She never settled in glasgow and I took on a job that was too stressful to chase money. I kind of neglected her and boom before I knew it she left and took my 2 year old daughter with her. Now it's one thing getting over a relationship but not seeing my daughter is killing me. I finally get to see her this weekend but after that it's up to me to drive up from glasgow to see her. if anyone knows Scotland trying to hold a job down and get to see your daughter at weekends in the Isle of Skye isn't going to be easy it's borderline impossible. i've lost two jobs already tried antidepressants from the doctor but they just made me feel worse. The thing is I'm totally lost without my daughter and fuel I'm getting worse and worse. My exes dad lives in Australia and also offers to pay for her to go over For 3 months every year. I'm at the stage where I'm thinking of going back to Oz as I just can't cope with her living so far away right at the top of Skye. I just don't think I'll be able to move on with my life. I am giving serious thought to returning to Oz at least for a year as I'm not getting any better being stuck in Glasgow with my depression getting worse. I've already lost 2 jobs because I couldn't concentrate and my performance suffered. It's about an 8 hour drive and virtually impossible in winter and just feel the journey combined with having to say goodbye will kill me. My driving is terrible as well I'm no good on motorways etc. UK law sucks and I could never get her for the holidays etc she would just scream for her mum anyway. I was told that taking some time out and going back will help as long as you keep in touch with her and she won't be 2 forever. There is also the 3 month holidays that she will def take up with her dad. if I got a contracting job I could go back once or twice a year. I just don't know if it would make it worse though? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and did it help?? X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the bottler Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Hi folks ill try and keep this as brief as possible. I had been posting in another thread about taking our step daughter to Oz and realised it was too complex. But I can't feel karma has caught up with me as me and my ex split up a few months ago and she has moved back to the Isle of Skye with my 2 year old daughter. She never settled in glasgow and I took on a job that was too stressful to chase money. I kind of neglected her and boom before I knew it she left and took my 2 year old daughter with her. Now it's one thing getting over a relationship but not seeing my daughter is killing me. I finally get to see her this weekend but after that it's up to me to drive up from glasgow to see her. if anyone knows Scotland trying to hold a job down and get to see your daughter at weekends in the Isle of Skye isn't going to be easy it's borderline impossible. i've lost two jobs already tried antidepressants from the doctor but they just made me feel worse. The thing is I'm totally lost without my daughter and fuel I'm getting worse and worse. My exes dad lives in Australia and also offers to pay for her to go over For 3 months every year. I'm at the stage where I'm thinking of going back to Oz as I just can't cope with her living so far away right at the top of Skye. I just don't think I'll be able to move on with my life. I am giving serious thought to returning to Oz at least for a year as I'm not getting any better being stuck in Glasgow with my depression getting worse. I've already lost 2 jobs because I couldn't concentrate and my performance suffered. It's about an 8 hour drive and virtually impossible in winter and just feel the journey combined with having to say goodbye will kill me. My driving is terrible as well I'm no good on motorways etc. UK law sucks and I could never get her for the holidays etc she would just scream for her mum anyway. I was told that taking some time out and going back will help as long as you keep in touch with her and she won't be 2 forever. There is also the 3 month holidays that she will def take up with her dad. if I got a contracting job I could go back once or twice a year. I just don't know if it would make it worse though? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and did it help?? X I am so sorry to hear that ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eera Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You're doing it tough, man. From your post, I can't grasp why you want to return to Australia, you might have to clarify (and trying to make yourself clear through a fog of depression is not easy, so I apologise if I've misinterpreted or missed something). You state you are lost without your daughter, and it takes a long time to get to see her, so how will moving to the other side of the world help? When you say that you would get a contracting job and be able to see her twice a year isn't that a worse situation that you're in now, except with the added stress of having to pack up your life, try to find another job and deal with the same access issues when you do come back? To me the plan doesn't have anything but a lot of "ifs" and flaws, but there may be something I'm missing. If you need to move out of Glasgow why not other areas in the UK? It's will be a hell of a lot less stress and at least you're still in the same country as your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dave53 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Do you really consider being the other side of the World , and an expensive 24 hr flight away is a better option than an 8 hr drive to see your daughter ? ... .. You need to get some family law court orders in place to secure visitation rights , without them you are at a disadvantage straight away . When you have the orders in place work around them . Grin and bear the 8 hr drive , for if it is " killing you to be away from your daughter " the drive should be of little effort ... How " totally lost " do you think you will feel in Australia ? .... It's your choice , but tread wisely Dave C Edited July 9, 2015 by Dave53 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinkla Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Skye is inaccessible from anywhere, but from Australia it’s somewhere you’d probably never see again. For small children, a month is an age and a year is for ever. You can’t maintain a relationship with a pre-schooler based on seeing them on an annual basis, even if you would be seeing them for an extended period of time on those visits. I don’t know what you do, but are there job opportunities in Inverness – still a fair drive but not nearly as far? Or, assuming your ex has moved to Uig, are there opportunities in Stornoway where you could have an easy drive down to Tarbert and catch the ferry across? These might seem like long shots, but they could at least offer some hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Your daughter will only scream for her Mum if she doesn't know you and has no contact with you. If you want to have her in your life you need to come to an agreement about shared custody/regular access. If necessary go to court. No court will deny a Dad access unless there are safety issues. Removing yourself from the picture till she is older will only complicate matters. She will have abandonment issues when she gets older. the mother will have more ammo to say you are an unreliable/absent parent. Trust will be lost. If your daughter is your priority you will do all you canto maintain a relationship with her. Geographical location will matter. If you want to forget and move on without her....go back to Australia but don't expect your life to get any happier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Is there no hope of reconciliation with the girls Mother. If everything was going well and the only thing you did wrong was be neglectful than can you not try to make things up with her? Or is it only access to your Daughter that you want? Sounds like you are quite quick to give up on the relationship if it genuinely was BOOM and a shock? If it's only a relationship with your daughter you want then you'll have to just suck up the journey not a lot else. If you want to run away and forget about things, well you won't be the first to emigrate and leave behind children. Do you have a visa? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Is there no hope of reconciliation with the girls Mother. If everything was going well and the only thing you did wrong was be neglectful than can you not try to make things up with her? Or is it only access to your Daughter that you want? Sounds like you are quite quick to give up on the relationship if it genuinely was BOOM and a shock? If it's only a relationship with your daughter you want then you'll have to just suck up the journey not a lot else. If you want to run away and forget about things, well you won't be the first to emigrate and leave behind children. Do you have a visa? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I really feel for you as myself and my ex have been in your shoes and these things are very hard for everyone to deal with. I just hope that your ex will see the bigger picture and not cut you out of your daughter's life. It is possible to have an ongoing relationship with a child long distance and my son and his dad are proof of that, but it takes a lot of effort and commitment from both parents and they both have to acknowledge that. My son and his dad (son in England, dad in Australia) have maintained a relationship for the past eight years, to such an extent that my son now wants to go and live with his dad and dad's new family in Oz and he is leaving me in two weeks time to do so. He is now 12 years old. So how did this long distance relationship between them work? My ex was gutted when I returned to England from Australia with our son, but he refused to return with us, so had to take some of the responsibility for the separation, but he has phoned our son twice a week, every week for the past eight years. I never refused the phone calls and allowed him to ring whenever he wanted. In the end, he got into his own routine and rings at the same time on Thursdays and Sundays, so when the phone rang at these times my son would get excited and say "it's daddy" as he ran to answer the phone. When he was young (4-6 years) he wasn't interested in holding a phone conversation for long and the calls would only last a few minutes, but as he's got older they chat a lot more and sometimes will be on the phone for 20 minutes. They've also had the odd Skype call, but this did upset my son seeing his dad so he preferred the phone calls - his choice, and I let him do what was best for him. My son has traveled to Australia every year to spend 4-5 weeks with his dad, and a couple of times his dad has come here. Physical contact is essential. So if your daughter can come and spend some time with you for a long period that will be good for both of you, but those times will reduce when she starts school and you will have to arrange your visits around the schooling and take your leave from work during school holidays. To help her remain close to you and to let her know you are always there, even though you may not physically be there, I have a couple tips that you may want to try. Buy a pretty storage box (usually birthday card shops sell large, decorated gift boxes) with a lid on it and post it to her with a letter (this will rely on the mum co-operating and reading the letter to her.) Then every week/fortnight/month send her something in the post that is small and light to post that she can keep in the box. It will become her 'special' box for memories of her daddy. You could start a collection of postcards that you write, fridge magnets, toy farm animals, dolls outfits, whatever you want it to be. If you were to post these on the same day of the week then they would possibly arrive with her on the same day of the week, so every Thursday (for example) she would get excited and wait for the postie to come. Arrange for Skype calls on a regular basis, and to keep her attention read her a story from a book. But send her a copy of the same book first, and that way, you can look at the book together and point out the pictures to each other, or you could find a picture in the book and ask her to find it in her book. Again, this would need the co-operation of the mum whilst she is so young, but as she gets older she can do this by herself with you. Once you have got through one book, send her another. You can also ask her to get her 'special' box and ask her to show you the things you have posted, and you can talk about that item, where you were when you saw it, why you chose it etc and have a little story about each item you have sent so that she can associate it with something. Send a CD of nursery rhymes that you can sing along to together, even though you may feel silly doing this it will mean everything to her! Regarding moving to Australia, undoubtedly, this will make physical contact harder. Unless a relative was prepared to accompany her to Oz to visit you she would have to fly as an Unaccompanied Minor, and airlines will not allow that until the age of 5. However, it's still a huge thing for a 5 year old to undertake to travel alone on such a long journey and I wouldn't let my son do it until he was almost 10. Fortunately, he had his grandparents who were willing to take him every year until then. So, all in all, your situation is not as bleak as you may think, with some effort, commitment and imagination you can keep that contact going - but only if your ex is prepared to help it along. Try and come to some agreement with her before you take the matter to court. You both want what's best for your daughter, and if you can be amicable about it you will both save thousands in legal fees and have more money to facilitate contact. Both of you will have to compromise on what you want in order to get what is best for your little girl. Many children I have worked with have been denied a parent during their early years and everyone thinks they cope fine with it. But as they get older and understand things, they put the pieces of the jigsaw together themselves and see it for what it really is, and that's when the anger and resentment really kicks in. Our situation has been far from perfect and we have done the best we can given the circumstances BUT my son has suffered from having two parents in two countries. At the moment he is very unhappy in England and thinks that the answer to his unhappiness lies in Australia and living with his dad, so that's why I'm letting him go. Of course, it's not what I want, but that is the compromise I have had to make in order for what is best for my son at this moment in time. Best wishes, Rachel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I can't see why Australia should enter into it at all- seems like it would be worse for you, not better. I'd be moving North up nearer your child if it were me. She is just a baby and if she doesn't see you regularly she will forget you at her age- so make the effort to get a lot closer if you want to have a relationship with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PomCop Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 What I gathered from the OP's post is that - - he goes back over to Australia - his ex will be going to Australia for 3 months to see her dad anyway - the OP will then get to, hopefully, spend 3 months each year with his daughter as apposed to very little in the UK Just my take on it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brissybear Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Thanks for all the advice. I think my post last night was made in a fog of depression. My work is in IT (test Analyst) and unfortunately there are no jobs up there for me. I have looked at moving to Skye as there is plenty of work in the summer doing seasonal stuff in hospitality. Its also worth pointing out that I am completely frazzled or burnt out with what I do for a living but In the winter months up in Skye there would be no work and she would probably take my daughter away to Australia for 3 months or longer (in winter) on those holiday visa's her dad has a nack of sorting these things out. He left all his kids (including my ex) to go to Oz when they were young. He's a very selfish man though and has a daughter at 15 (he's in his 60's) and when me and my ex wife separated in Oz he tried to date her etc it was disgusting. He also said some disgusting things about my mum who was a manic depressive and drank herself to death. I read this on her phone and in anger have promised (and I will) pull him up for it in front of his daughter so no favours there. I have a PR visa but runs out in Feb 2017 but have been told you can reapply when it has expired for RRV as long as kids have been involved. How does it stand with the law as my sister in law is a social worker and she thinks that if my ex wanted to take my daughter to Oz for 3 to 6 months then a court could allow it. I was under the impression that it would need my consent? Its a tough one because If I move to Skye and I do need more money to do even do this or and a job. My wages will be crap to what I am on. I could be giving up a career as well and left alone in Skye for the winter. In Oz I have loads of friends and better job options but I reckon it would be worse. You can move on from a relationship but not from your kid. I'll put my CV into an agency up there you never know I might get offered an all year round job in some bank or something. My current company are thinking of sending me to Edinburgh which will make matters worse but I suppose the only way I can get to Skye is through holidays. Would a court not enforce some sort of compromise where she would have to bring my daughter down here instead of me going up there all the time. I cant emphasise what a bad driver i am but need to conquer this. Thanks for all the replies much appreciated. x Edited July 10, 2015 by Brissybear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I would have thought if you oppose it she wouldn't be able to leave the country with your daughter. Maybe you need to be a bit proactive here? I certainly would if I were you! Good luck to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinkla Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 My current company are thinking of sending me to Edinburgh which will make matters worse but I suppose the only way I can get to Skye is through holidays. Actually it would be less bad. The road from Edinburgh is heaps better - take the A9 up to Dalwhinnie and then cut across through Spean Bridge to Skye. And if you lived in Dunfermline and got the train in to Edinburgh every day (as many people do), you're even closer to the A9. I'm not saying it's nothing, but it would cut up to an hour off the journey for you compared to Glasgow. Your dislike of driving will have to be overcome however you cut it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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