It's not getting better.....

[Ribbon Katie]

Okay, last time I posted on here was 11 months ago and I was feeling unsettled ....unfortunately I still am.

 

We have faced a few problems over the past twelve months (our house severely damaged by tenant in England, cancer diagnosis with close relative in UK) I have never felt settled here but I am the only one who doesn't want to stay. It has led to a rather strained relationship with hubby and is now at breaking point.

 

I've struggled to find work and the two jobs I've had since arriving in September 2013, I've been on contract and they've both come to an end. I was in my last job in the Uk for 17 years and felt valued in my role at work. I had lots of friends in the Uk and was happy but we left because husband couldn't find employment during the recession.

 

Now everything has reversed. Here in Oz my husband has been thriving at work and although he is incredibly busy, seems to enjoy it. He also plays hard and goes to lots of men only corporate events with his work, so has a very busy social life and we don't seem to be doing much as a family or couple any more.

 

All our four children love it here and don't want to go back to the Uk and the oldest is now 14. But I just feel so unhappy, I haven't made many friends, find everything expensive, struggle with not being able to pick up permanent work and because of this I feel we're always on a tight budget, need to watch our pennies and can't afford much in the way of leisure activities.

 

Anyway things between me and husband have been so strained that we have discussed separating. Problem is I couldn't afford to stay here and the kids won't go back to England, and I couldn't bear to be apart from the children. We keep going around in circles and we're not getting anywhere.

 

But yesterday husband and I made a breakthrough in that he agreed to see a Relationship Counsellor to try to work through our problems, I had been badgering him to go but he was adamant he wouldn't go, so feel pleased that he has now agreed for us to go as a couple.

 

I rang up Relationships WA and discovered a 50 minute session would be $170.....which wasn't the price I was expecting.

 

Has anyone else felt like this and that the move to Oz created cracks with their relationship and have sought counselling. If so where did you go (apart from Realtionships WA) and was it beneficial?

 

Would really appreciate some help as we are just not moving forward. Feel stuck...

 

Thank you in advance

 

Ribbon

[jac2011]

Hi ribbon,

 

So sorry to hear this. It sounds like you've had a tough time. I understand the difficulties in your relationship and they probably have a major factor in your happiness but from your post do you think if you were equally settled and doing well in your career then you would be feeling the same?

 

I think perhaps address some of the issues stopping you progressing or finding secure long term employment, see employment specialists or perhaps have a professional CV wrote up. Consider going back to college or anything in between. Get involved in activities in your childrens schools etc... Try to build up a network for yourself.

 

Perhaps once you are satisfied with your own situation you may find your relationship improves?

 

And, I do think your husband perhaps does not realise truly how your situation is making you feel so I am not saying the relationship is not a factor.

 

I wish you well.

[fifi69]

Its horrible not feeling valued, either in the home, or at work.

 

sometimes you think migration is going to be the bees knees, and yet all it does is open up a whole new set of problems.

 

Im like you, until coming here, I always felt valued in my job roles. All long term, the only reason I have left is because I've moved out of the area.

 

Oz though, is a v different story. In my line of work, is rubbish. I just try and detach myself from it.

 

Working thru how each of you work is difficult though. My OH has always been a workaholic from the start. Caused so much drama when the girls were little.

 

but....although I let things go, I always knew I had control of the situation. Ie if I said he had to be home for a certain event, then he knew he had to be and would be, otherwise I would make his life hell:wink:

 

By the sounds of it, your OH n kids love it here, that's a good thing.

 

you just need to find your fulfilment and your OH needs to help you find your niche.

[Jacaranda]

Ok do you think your husband is attending all these work activities because as you mentioned,you don't have the finances to go out that much?Perhaps that's your husbands way of not beoming bored. Unfortunately though,it doesn't help you! My sisters husband (and yes they have no money issues)goes away quite often with his job.Corporate events and so forth.She was always "stuck"at home,holding the fort so to speak.After years of doing this,recently she made a stand for herself.Friends of her's invited her for a weekend away up river to their second house.When she mentioned it to her OH,he was not happy!!!!That's really too bad on his behalf because she has just as much right to do stuff on her own as he does! When she returned,they had "words"and she said to him "Keep nagging and I will arrange another weekend away":laugh:Needless to say he stopped nagging!He's jetting off soon to Phuket with workmates to play golf (no partners invited)for 8 days!Hmmmmm!

Its hard when you can't get yourself settled into a permanent job.How is your husband towards you generally when you're not working?Does he just accept the situation or does he make you feel guilty? The reason I'm asking is because if he accepts it nicely,I would hon enjoy that time myself.I know you probably might need the extra income,but your work break is only temporary and that's what you need to keep in mind.Try a different attitude towards your homelife.Embrace the fact you have no pressure as such,no deadlines,no work hassles etc. If on the other hand your husband isn't happy about you NOT working,thats a different matter altogether isn't it?You would need to address this by firstly pointing out the positives ei:You are home to look after your kids if they are sick,during holidays etc,you manage the house which is a job in itself,as is looking after the kids. Point out that ok you'd rather be working but right now you are doing the best you possibly can.

Can you do some voluntary work perhaps?Its worthwhile,builds confidence,is good socially,you gain experience,and it could lead to a paid job!

Going back to your husbands social calendar,is it possible for you to join him sometimes on those? I feel (I could be wrong here)that your marriage problems are due to you not working.I am not blaming you for the woes hon,but I'm thinking if you did some voluntary work or whatever,you'd feel better in yourself.It sounds like its not Australia's fault,as such (Im guessing you sort of enjoy living there but wish the conditions for yourself were better).

[MARYROSE02]

If you see your GP first, he or she may be able to refer you to counselling from a psychologist, and the fee will either be subsidised by Medicare, or you may even find one who 'bulk-bills' so no up front fees. I think you get a 'mental health plan' from your GP which entitles you to ten appointments per year. (or possbily every 12 month period.)

 

I see a psychologist here in Sydney and I think he charges me $125 but I get $80 back from Medicare.

 

I imagine most GP's have a psychologist they can refer you to. Some of the bigger practices have one 'in house.'

[MARYROSE02]

I Googled 'psychologists perth wa' and the first one I looked at mentioned rebates from private health funds as well as Medicare. Contact a few in your area as well as seeing your GP.

 

[h=3]Perth City Psychology[/h]www.perthcitypsych.com.au

Google+ page

[ali]

A quick google search provides a number of hits for relationship counselling in Perth. I thought that RA was cheaper than that, if you don't have the finances - give them a ring again and tell them you are on a limited income (they may be able to provide cheaper sessions.).

[Gbye grey sky]

Okay, last time I posted on here was 11 months ago and I was feeling unsettled ....unfortunately I still am.

 

Would really appreciate some help as we are just not moving forward. Feel stuck..

 

These lines sum up your problem really. Unless it gets so bad that you would genuinely leave your family and return to the UK alone (and I sense that this could never happen) then it will almost certainly need to be you that has to learn to adapt to your new home. Maybe you harbour thoughts that you should never have come in the first place but therein lies madness. What is done is done and you need to make the absolutely best of your situation.

 

It is always unfortunate when a couple lose the ability to communicate properly. I suspect though that you keep proposing a return to the UK as a potential solution and if that is a total non-starter for him then no wonder you are going around in circles. I would suggest that if you discuss your problems with your OH you look for solutions that don't require a move back to the UK and maybe that will improve communication. Look forward, rather than back.

 

Personally I don't think Relationship Counsellors are a magic wand that can be waived at a problem. The answer has to come from within you to start with. Nobody is going to magically come up with a solution if you want to be in the UK and the rest of the family does not.

 

I can only go by what I am reading of course and there may be more to this than you have expressed.

[starlight7]

Just superficially it seems that you need a good friend to relax with and have a few laughs when the kids are at school and you are on your own! Is there something you can join , failing employment situations? Maybe an interest group or even voluntary work - which very often leads to employment, too. Scour your local newspapers, they usually list what's going on locally- is there a community house near you? I do hope things improve for you soon!