Cbpdb Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Hi all well here is my story...we only been her just over 4 months, but from before we came it's been a difficult time.. We were all set to come end of May this year but my dad took very ill so we postpone for a few weeks to see how things were going to go..anyway after weeks in hospital and lots of waiting to see what was wrong, we finally got some answers. We were unsure of what to do as he was still poorly (slightly improving) our deadline was coming up to be in Oz so we talked about flying in and out to activate visa. My dad just kept telling us to go for it.. Anyway in the end we did and have been here since July. Hardest decision ever to make.. He continued to improve which was good news but then relapsed ended back in hospital for few weeks. All was going good but now he's been diagnosed with cancer which can be treatable but with his existing illness makes it more difficult. I'm missing all my family in UK and really want to go home. My oh is also thinking the same...we don't have people here we can talk too yet and we are feeling more and more isolated and wish I could just give my dad a hug. And support the rest of my family.. There are other reasons too that we are thinking of going home, but this is the main one. i know now people will say we need to stay longer but it's like everything is against us....maybe just bad timing... anyone been through similar situation? Any advice appreciated. thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Sorry to hear this bad news. It is really hard being here when things go wrong in the UK. Do you have PR? If it is activated, it's got a lifespan. Or, failing that, is there any way you could go back for a bit? Not sure of your circumstances re work and finances etc. 4 months is no time at all. It takes YEARS to settle in all honesty and of course, you can never truly replace family. Lots of people speak the truth when they say to be a successful migrant, you have to be selfish. I have also found out that many who settle are not that close to their families, or have some of their families here. The best thing to know is your rights re ability to stay (visa) and that 4 months is nothing in the grand scheme. I have been here 10 years almost and still not settled,but it's pretty personal. I would say, if you can go back for a bit to see him, perhaps do that. most people wish to stay the 4 years and gain citizenship....that way you are not walking away with nothing and have options in the future. I can only empathise as have been here whilst 3 of my grandparents have passed- not like a parent but still gut wrenching when circumstance meant i simply could not go back. best of luck- x Hi allwell here is my story...we only been her just over 4 months, but from before we came it's been a difficult time.. We were all set to come end of May this year but my dad took very ill so we postpone for a few weeks to see how things were going to go..anyway after weeks in hospital and lots of waiting to see what was wrong, we finally got some answers. We were unsure of what to do as he was still poorly (slightly improving) our deadline was coming up to be in Oz so we talked about flying in and out to activate visa. My dad just kept telling us to go for it.. Anyway in the end we did and have been here since July. Hardest decision ever to make.. He continued to improve which was good news but then relapsed ended back in hospital for few weeks. All was going good but now he's been diagnosed with cancer which can be treatable but with his existing illness makes it more difficult. I'm missing all my family in UK and really want to go home. My oh is also thinking the same...we don't have people here we can talk too yet and we are feeling more and more isolated and wish I could just give my dad a hug. And support the rest of my family.. There are other reasons too that we are thinking of going home, but this is the main one and it's making me feel so depressed. i know now people will say we need to stay longer but it's like everything is against us....maybe just bad timing... anyone been through similar situation? Any advice appreciated. thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Where are you located. There are loads of people here who can offer support who know exactly what you are going through Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 We were similar with my father-in-law the day he was taken into hospital was the day of our visa grant, whilst in hospital he had 4 major heart attacks, he was given weeks rather than months to live, but the tough old bugger lasted 2.5 years (unpleasant years really), we had to do a quick visit to validate our visa's whilst he was ill, difficult time for my wife as she was a main carer along with her mother. In the end after nearly 4 years everything came down to 2 days, our daughter finished her exams, 2 days later we were on the plane, 2 days later we were in Aus, 2 days later our visa's ran out. The strong ties to family back home can prove difficult especially in the early years, both our sets of parents would never ever want us to run our lives around them and there needs, and encourage us to live our own dreams and aspirations with out guilt, which does sound a little like your father to me. However it seems to be yourself which is on the guilt trip, which in turn makes it difficult for you to settle. I personally would think as to the reasons as to why I wanted to come to Aus in the first place, and is that what I still really want for the longer term, and if yes then make that work. By all means I would visit my father and discuss it with him and (more than likely) get his blessing, and then both would have peace of mind, admitted it would still be hard and painful but that would be relatively short term, eased over time by his blessing. Good luck Keith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Sorry to hear this bad news. It is really hard being here when things go wrong in the UK. Do you have PR? If it is activated, it's got a lifespan. Or, failing that, is there any way you could go back for a bit? Not sure of your circumstances re work and finances etc. 4 months is no time at all. It takes YEARS to settle in all honesty and of course, you can never truly replace family. Lots of people speak the truth when they say to be a successful migrant, you have to be selfish. I have also found out that many who settle are not that close to their families, or have some of their families here. The best thing to know is your rights re ability to stay (visa) and that 4 months is nothing in the grand scheme. I have been here 10 years almost and still not settled,but it's pretty personal. I would say, if you can go back for a bit to see him, perhaps do that. most people wish to stay the 4 years and gain citizenship....that way you are not walking away with nothing and have options in the future. I can only empathise as have been here whilst 3 of my grandparents have passed- not like a parent but still gut wrenching when circumstance meant i simply could not go back. best of luck- x Correct it takes many years to settle not months. Might be time to print that in big red letters on imigration applications! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I will get the obvious comment out of the way first, 4 months isnt long BUT can be long enough to know if its right for you. I knew after 8 months that it wasnt long term for me and after 18 months i still feel the same as I did then..if not more certain. When I first hit a low spot someone said to me "8 months isnt that long but long enough to know if you like it or not, if someone punched you in the face you would know you dont like it...you wouldnt need them to do it to you for x years before you knew" and that made sense. What I have learnt from being here is that if you are feeling down staying will cure it if there is a date/end to the issue but if you dislike it in general/miss home then there is no end to it. For me, I decided that I didnt want to my kids to grow up without any family around them so the longer we stay it wasnt going to get better, infact the longer we are away its only going to get worse. Before we moved my wife and I made a pact to give it 2 years to justify the hassle and cost to get the visas and if either of us couldnt settle we would all move back, that is still in place so I am willing to stay here for the 2 years (to keep my side of the pact) as my wife will uphold her half of the bargain by moving back if I am still unsettled after 2 years. You are lucky that both you and your partner are on the same page. I hope you find whats right for you....and you know yourself and whats best for YOU better than anyone on this forum (some will dispute that). Im my experience your heart is usually right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 It doesn't always take years to settle, it happened pretty quickly for us. While I don't deny that some people initially struggle but then settle, some people know how they feel straight away - be that wanting to return to the UK or deciding to stay permanently in Australia. Interestingly, no one asks those who settle straight away if they are sure, or whether it might be better to give it a few years in case they dislike it down the track. If it is just a case of bad timing, could you go back to the UK for a while and then return to Australia at a later date or is it a now or never kind of thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I will get the obvious comment out of the way first, 4 months isnt long BUT can be long enough to know if its right for you. I knew after 8 months that it wasnt long term for me and after 18 months i still feel the same as I did then..if not more certain. When I first hit a low spot someone said to me "8 months isnt that long but long enough to know if you like it or not, if someone punched you in the face you would know you dont like it...you wouldnt need them to do it to you for x years before you knew" and that made sense. What I have learnt from being here is that if you are feeling down staying will cure it if there is a date/end to the issue but if you dislike it in general/miss home then there is no end to it. For me, I decided that I didnt want to my kids to grow up without any family around them so the longer we stay it wasnt going to get better, infact the longer we are away its only going to get worse. Before we moved my wife and I made a pact to give it 2 years to justify the hassle and cost to get the visas and if either of us couldnt settle we would all move back, that is still in place so I am willing to stay here for the 2 years (to keep my side of the pact) as my wife will uphold her half of the bargain by moving back if I am still unsettled after 2 years. You are lucky that both you and your partner are on the same page. I hope you find whats right for you....and you know yourself and whats best for YOU better than anyone on this forum (some will dispute that). Im my experience your heart is usually right. Disagree I thought it 'wasn't for me' 3 years later. Now been here nearly half a century and it definitely 'is right'. It takes time, and ability to make changes, which is pretty hard I can tell you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cbpdb Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Thanks all for you replies. We are in WA, rockingham area. We have met lots of friends but not close enough to off load on to if you get what I mean... We always said before we come we are going to give it a year at least, then see how we feel...but that was without everything that is going on. We are still in discussions and have not made up our mind.. We could go home then come back further down the line but with the kids getting older it can make it much more difficult... really appreciate your comments thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 With out knowing the op's "other" reasons for wanting to return, it is difficult to give an all-round fair assessment, but based on what info we are given of just family back home reasons, which were there at the start of their journey, then, in the knowledge of such, 4 months is a short time, and the full 4 months appear to have been coloured or even driven by these thoughts of family back home and not on settling and trying to achieve what they came out for. I wish them well with whichever way they go. Keith Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Disagree I thought it 'wasn't for me' 3 years later. Now been here nearly half a century and it definitely 'is right'. It takes time, and ability to make changes, which is pretty hard I can tell you. .......I arrived here this time in '92.......it fulfilled all our needs,,,,,,,! .......but over recent years my priorities have changed........ ......to have a choice......makes for contentment IMO.........! .......because to feel ..stuck......is a life on hold....... ........while life's good enjoy it.... ......but life changes.................anytime....all the time,....as do the needs and wants of the individual....... .......pleased life's good for you now....... .........but some's needs may never be met by emigrating..... ...........and others may change..........at any time....... ..........needs and wants....! ........All we can do to live life contentedly........is to fulfills as many of the first......and as much of the second.....as we can...... ..........wherever..... delivers at that time in our lives.......IMO....of course....tink X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Look, I am going to be very un-PC here, but I think that if you are thinking that way already, you should move back to the UK and stay there. Migrating is really for people who have what it takes, to go through thick and thin, who can grit their teeth and get on with it. If you do not have what it takes, and yes, that includes a good dose of being self-focused (I do not say selfishness, but that is what it may amount to) then you will struggle now, continue to struggle later, and not really feel happy until you have given up and gone back home. If you can look at yourselves and say that you DO have what it takes, then you might consider the reasons you came to Australia in the first place. If you can not identify THE reason(s) you chose to came here, then you are in the wrong country with the right stuff for migrating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Interestingly, no one asks those who settle straight away if they are sure, or whether it might be better to give it a few years in case they dislike it down the track. This is a very good point! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 And it can take courage to say "this isn't for me" with all the weight of expectation that you must "make it work". I know what docboat is saying but I'm not convinced that happiness should be so hard-won. If you have to grit your teeth to get to a stage where you are content then maybe this isn't the place for you (the general you I mean, not the OP or docboat specifically). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 This is a very good point! I do make the occasional one ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I do make the occasional one ;-) This is the first one....dont get carried away! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 You know I'm the fount of all knowledge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Ok,everything is temporary,including life.I don't believe you should stay somewhere for years to either feel settled or realise its not for you.What would be the point.Thats settling for second best imho.Life is whats happening right now.Happiness is'nt weeks,months or years away.If you're both unhappy,you can change it.Follow your gut feeling.Best wishes xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Is it important for you to settle in another first world country? Why? What makes Australia so exceptional that you need to work at settling yourself in? IMHO one first world country is very much like any other and unless there are very pressing reasons why you should opt for one over another (eg no employment in one vs gold plated job in the other) then I'd say it comes down to the other things in life and your people being number 1. I was most definitely one of the selfish and self sufficients who loved the adventure that was Australia and the first 10 yrs or so we're pretty good but after 3 decades I couldn't wait to get out and a good part of that was that my people were ageing and frail and needed me. You've had the time scale shortened somewhat - sounds like your people can do with a hand now. If you're fortunate enough to have siblings then you've got a bit of leeway with care and support being there for the aged ones but if you're an only you have to bite the bullet and decide - people or place? Unenviable decision really. Good luck with it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Also as Tink points out - things can change. We came here 11 years ago and have loved it (even with the last 2 hard years) but our family has grown up, our reasons for being here have changed and its time to move on. I know emigrating is a big decision but why is there an assumption that everything has to be forever. WE don't have these conversations about people going to spain and moving back to the UK, but it does seem to be the case with Australia. I know in the past it was difficult and once you moved, you moved but isn't the beauty of international travel etc the options that it opens up. Moving to australia doesn't mean you failed to settle in the UK, so why should moving to the UK mean yu couldn't settle in Australia. Sometimes a change is required. It must have been required to move here so why not to move on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 And it can take courage to say "this isn't for me" with all the weight of expectation that you must "make it work". I know what docboat is saying but I'm not convinced that happiness should be so hard-won. If you have to grit your teeth to get to a stage where you are content then maybe this isn't the place for you (the general you I mean, not the OP or docboat specifically). I don't really agree with that sentiment if I am reading you right. Happiness comes often from achievement; overcoming problems and difficulties along the way. People who achieve their goals in life have to overcome problems and it is in no small part because of that they find fulfilment. Most people take the easier short-term option but I am not convinced this is the path to happiness (most likely the path to regrets). I'm not applying this argument to the OP necessarily as we have no real idea how strong their motivation to make the move was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I agree with you that happiness can be found in a sense of achievement and in mastering your fears etc. I am a proponent of "playing to your strengths" however. As an example I was an A grade student at English and a C grade student at maths. Rather than focusing on my weaknesses and say, getting a tutor for maths, my parents encouraged me to pursue English with a passion, which I did. It has brought me far more happiness that slogging away at maths could ever achieve - even if I could have had a sense of achievement at getting better at a subject I disliked/didn't excel in. It has lead me to my current career and because I am doing something I love, and am good at, work is a pleasure and not a chore. I'm not one for always taking the "quick win" over an engaged, fulfilling experience though so I do take your point. I suppose I was thinking that if you know you don't like a place after a few months (and not just because you can't get Walker's crisps or you don't know anyone yet) it can be an exercise in banging your head against a brick wall to keep going when a move somewhere else/a return home could be an immediate "click". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I agree with you that happiness can be found in a sense of achievement and in mastering your fears etc. I am a proponent of "playing to your strengths" however. As an example I was an A grade student at English and a C grade student at maths. Rather than focusing on my weaknesses and say, getting a tutor for maths, my parents encouraged me to pursue English with a passion, which I did. It has brought me far more happiness that slogging away at maths could ever achieve - even if I could have had a sense of achievement at getting better at a subject I disliked/didn't excel in. It has lead me to my current career and because I am doing something I love, and am good at, work is a pleasure and not a chore. I'm not one for always taking the "quick win" over an engaged, fulfilling experience though so I do take your point. I suppose I was thinking that if you know you don't like a place after a few months (and not just because you can't get Walker's crisps or you don't know anyone yet) it can be an exercise in banging your head against a brick wall to keep going when a move somewhere else/a return home could be an immediate "click". I think we are on the same page. At the end of the day it depends how much one wants something and what one is willing to sacrifice in the short term to achieve their goals. Given that it is far from straightforward for most people to get to Oz in the first place I tend to assume that most people who actually make it there were reasonably motivated to do so and had a goal. A bit like a ltr with a permanent partner in so many ways I suspect. If you look for incompatibility you are sure to find it and you can cut and run; plenty will support your reasons. But if you work through issues and come out the other side more likely than not you will have built something great. Docboat is right. For the OP. Look at the reasons you were planning to emigrate in the first place. If they still hold true then you should, IMO, give it your absolute best shot and have a positive mindset. If they don't and you only see negativity in the move, then return to the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzybangs Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Go back now! You cannot make yourself like a country. You can make the best of it and try to embrace it but it will hit sooner or later that you really want to go home by which time you will probably be entrenched and feel trapped. I loved it from the minute I arrived. However, that is because I did not want to come and thought it would be a terrible place to live so was pleasantly surprised! However, the UK is still home, I have missed too much of my family and have been a ghost on their walls! I should never have come really but only in the last two years have I owned up to this deep seated knowledge. It took me 32 years! Some people love it on arrival and some don't and if you don't then book your exit tickets now. And never look back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Also as Tink points out - things can change. We came here 11 years ago and have loved it (even with the last 2 hard years) but our family has grown up, our reasons for being here have changed and its time to move on. I know emigrating is a big decision but why is there an assumption that everything has to be forever. I think an awful lot depends on individual situations. When I came out to Australia I didn't think it had to be forever - but we came out in my thirties, without kids, and confident of getting jobs. if it had all gone belly-up, we knew we could manage to get the money to come home again. When someone is coming with their family and has also gathered a life's worth of belongings, the move becomes far more expensive. More people travelling, high shipping costs, a bigger car - and now the job market is tighter, more risk of unemployment for weeks or months on arrival. A commonly quoted figure for the move and setup costs is $30,000. That is a fortune for some people - I've even seen people post that they've taken a loan to fund their move! People who are doing it on a shoestring have to regard it as forever, or at least for the very long haul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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