Shmisa7220 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Hi All, This is my first time posting here - I have found others posts incredibly interesting & helpful, mostly it's nice to hear that my feelings are shared by so many others. I met my Ozzie partner in England & after 9 months together I decided to move to Oz to be with him after having loved the place while travelling. I have been in Oz for 11 years now & we have a fantastic relationship - except for one gigantic hurdle - he wants to live here where he grew up & I NEED to be at home with family & friends where I grew up. I have had many lovely times here in Australia but I have always struggled here for many reasons. There are differences between Australia & England of course & at times I've tried to convince myself that it's Australia I don't like but that simply isn't true, this is a great country with SO much to offer but after thinking about it for the last few years I'm just plain sad not living in England with my family & friends. Mostly I'm lonely (despite having a couple of friends here). It is particularly hard now that we are at the stage we'd like to have children together. I feel his family would not support my suggestion that we move back, so I don't feel all that supported here, apart from by him, he is amazing. I have suggested that we go back to England & put simply he doesn't want to live there due to work (outside in the winter in the UK! eek!)/lifestyle/surfing/fishing reasons. I don't want to have children here & be completely isolated from any help from my parents/friends - it makes me so sad to think of doing that without them, its nearly unbareable. Splitting up feels like such a waste of a beautiful relationship too - we're not prepared to do that at this stage. I would appreciate any help that anyone could give, particularly if you've been in this situation. Thanks for reading my long post! Much appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Welcome. You're in a similar predicament to many 'mixed' marriages and I'm afraid there are no easy answers. Most couples tend to ping pom and if kids are going to be in the picture, think VERY carefully about where you do this- not only for the emotional and practical support but also as it has implications as to where they are legally residing. I think as you've done quite a bit of time here it's only fair he give it a go back there if you wish to have babies with your own family around you- you may need to work out a deal as to how long and when you could return to oz. I'm sorry there are no easy answers as it has broken many couples up but with a bit of give and take you can make it work. I'm dragging a bit of a reluctant hubby back to the UK but he can see that having grandparents and extended family will be of benefit with a young family- he has made me promise we will return to Oz at some point and I agree. If that is in 5 or 10 years, I don't know. all i know is- no easy answers. good luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nikey Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I think the same 5/10 year pingpong thing as thinker. I understand the surfing/fishing thing but when u have babies u ront have your own life for a few years anyway. Then it kind of evolves. Sounds like it would b good to be near your family. ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 true- if he thinks he'll be out all day surfing and fishing when kids are around.....big learning curve there lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest km75 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I'm married to an aussie, we've ping ponged about, UK 2000-2003, Aus 2003 - 2008, UK 2008 - 2013 and now back in Aus. Personally, I prefer Australia, but I still miss family and friends and lots of other little things about home - it gets harder as time goes by to ping pong, add children and aging parents and suddenly it's no longer about you. We all have dual citizenship so ping ponging is easy enough for us, however, I have heard it may be a lot harder to get your aussie partner into the UK these days so maybe look into this before planning too far ahead? You say your partner is amazing, then I am sure he'll consider a stint in the UK for you if it means that much to you - could you guys take a year out and go back to the UK for a year and then decide after a full 12 months where you think your future lies? Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest km75 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Incidentally, I had my first son in Australia in 2006 and my second son in Scotland in 2008. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shmisa7220 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 km75 - that's a great idea regarding the year over there thing, I guess we hadn't considered that as we're not getting any younger but as ideas go, that is a good one. thinker78 - I had to laugh at that, yes agreed there's not much time for those activities with kids! I guess its a general "lifestyle" thing that he would battle with or without having children. Although I have to say that it's not that you can't have a great lifestyle in England, you can, its just different. I have looked in to the UK partner Visa & it doesn't look easy by any means - but would still be worth a try. I have considered almost every eventuality, particularly aging parents, this is the one that I can't let go of...I so want to spend quality time with them before I can't anymore. I feel like I've already spent so little time with them in the past 11 years that I'd hate to regret not having spent more time with them. I really appreciate everyone replying & so quickly, VERY helpful, thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 km75 - that's a great idea regarding the year over there thing, I guess we hadn't considered that as we're not getting any younger but as ideas go, that is a good one.thinker78 - I had to laugh at that, yes agreed there's not much time for those activities with kids! I guess its a general "lifestyle" thing that he would battle with or without having children. Although I have to say that it's not that you can't have a great lifestyle in England, you can, its just different. I have looked in to the UK partner Visa & it doesn't look easy by any means - but would still be worth a try. I have considered almost every eventuality, particularly aging parents, this is the one that I can't let go of...I so want to spend quality time with them before I can't anymore. I feel like I've already spent so little time with them in the past 11 years that I'd hate to regret not having spent more time with them. I really appreciate everyone replying & so quickly, VERY helpful, thank you Yes, older parents are my main factor in returning. I have seen them age quickly in the last few years and they even find the journey here a lot harder. As much as i do prefer the weather here, I feel i owe them my time and time with their grandchild before they pop their cloggs. Not everyone feels like this, it depends how close to your parents you are. The UK visa is not easy- you will need to prove you've earned a certain amount in the 12 months prior plus have uk job lined up earning a certain amount. If he's got any british grandparents or european ones that is the easier option re ancestry visa or euro passport. otherwise, i sincerely add- do it now whilst child free. i have a close friend who is now stuck in oz with her aussie- even though she's a high earner, now with a young baby she has no way of 'getting him back' into the uk as she's the main carer. he is also a high earner but it means nothing in the current system. it is very discriminatory against british mothers wishing to return with their aussie spouses- so yes, return pre children and have them there. much easier! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I feel for you. I'm married to an Aussie and to be fair going into it we both knew and accepted it might mean a stint or a long term move to one or another country. Hubby spent 8 years in the UK and we moved to Aus 9 months ago. A few things I would like to say * I think a mixed marriage or relationship is about give and take. One of you cannot point blank refuse to live in the others country. The reasons you give about your OH not wanting to live in the UK are to me rather wanting (apart from perhaps the outside working in winter but you do acclimatise and below a certain temp or conditions, depending on the work, it does get called off). The UK can offer a great lifestyle if you are prepared to give it a go and make something of it for yourself is how I see it. Surfing, yes, for some its a important thing but there are ways to be in the UK and still have access to a coast where you can surf. Ok it might not be daily or weekly but it can be done. Fishing, it can be done the world over where there is water and fish. Don't see that as a downside of living in the UK tbh. * Wanting to start a family. I think its only natural as a woman, as your thoughts turn to this, that you start wanting to be with people you are familiar with, grew up with and are close to. Mum, sisters, aunts and the like. And Dad too. Its a natural thing. However, not all of us need to be within shouting distance of them or even see them that often but just knowing you are in the same country or even hemisphere can make a huge psychological difference. I don't think in laws will ever replace that. I also think that the legal aspect is a big thing if you are not wanting to remain in Aus but your partner is. You would pretty much be stuck in Aus with your child as it will require a lot of legal effort and costs if your OH didn't not agree to you leaving the country with your child (should you break up or simply want to move back to the UK). This is a HUGE thing and impacts many lives. Personally I would never have a baby with someone if they said it was Aus only and they would not consider moving elsewhere. However, it can go the other way as if you did move to the UK as a couple and then broke up after a baby was born, I'd imagine he'd be stuck in the UK if he wanted to be around to see his child grow up as you'd probably not be on a plane back to Aus anytime soon (else the rights go the other way iirc). FWIW, my hubby and I are 50/50 and we stick to it. We never say never, never say its forever or that we are never moving again. I don't really believe in ping ponging as a mixed marriage couple with a child. At least its not for us, put it that way. I don't think its fair to our child nor do I think its a wise move for many financial reasons. We need to think longer term, pensions, house, education for our child. If we keep using our savings to ping pong, at a certain point we'll have missed out and things like pension won't fare well or work. So I accept and appreciate that our stint here in Aus is at least until the education aspect is done. But I am ok with that (now) and honestly, I can't see it changing as the other things also play their part. The missing family stuff, yes, it happens but I think perhaps that I was lucky in being in the UK for my sons birth and early years before we made the move to Aus. And I also know that if I was truly unhappy, truly wanting to return to the UK to live, then it would happen. However, my son is happy here and for me, seeing his smiling face each day and knowing he is loving it here, that is more than I can ask for and its more than reason to remain here for the longer term. Its not just about me anymore. If you truly cannot see your long term future in Aus I think you need to take a long look at your relastionship and consider if its worth making a break from it. Before children come along. That is if your OH won't give the UK a go, at least for a while. I think you deserve to be happy in all aspects of life, not just some of them. If for you things like family and being back in the UK are important, that can perhaps outweigh being with someone. While there are no children involved, work out what you are going to do. Of course, as has been mentioned, the partner visa for the UK is a slog. You'll need to research it carefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 As parent of adult children I would not want their partners taking them to UK from Aus. I would feel left out of the lives of any grandchildren. I am grateful that both my children have Aussie partners. It was not a consideration for us as we were both Brits and my oh did not want to live in UK at all. Same reason he would not want to work there too cold. So you have to really think where you leave your heart, there are always two families involved, two sets of grandparents wanting to see their children and grandchildren. Its not easy for any of them. Have to add that if it was for work or their lives apart from family then I would support them as that is why we chose to live in Aus. Not for family reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shmisa7220 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Thank you for all your amazing insights, very helpful indeed I shall keep you posted & anymore thoughts are gratefully received Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 What a dilemma, glad it is not one I have had to make and so I cannot comment on depth on " mixed marriages". But as a more general observer, it does seem to me like you have given it a fair crack of the whip in Australia and it feels on right and proper that he should do the same now. I am not sure how practical ping ponging on a regular basis would be in the future, but as Snifter said you could try to reach agreement about spending long term stints in each country on an alternating basis - like early childhood in one country, schooling years in the other etc. In your shoes, I would be worried about a man that could be so uncompromising and if he really is that fantastic he should be willing to respond to your needs. I would be careful about bringing children into the mix before you reach an agreement as you could find yourself trapped. I also honestly think if you cannot reach agreement, you might have to make that very difficult decision to call time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shmisa7220 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Thanks, I agree that pingponging is not a sensible option, especially financially. As for my partner, he hasn't point blank said "no I'm not going" nor would he, he just knows he doesn't want to live in England, I know that he most likely would come if I just said "right, that's it, we're going or else!" but it's not healthy for us or him to "make" someone do something they don't want to just because there's no other option....so difficult! Thanks for your input Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Thanks, I agree that pingponging is not a sensible option, especially financially. As for my partner, he hasn't point blank said "no I'm not going" nor would he, he just knows he doesn't want to live in England, I know that he most likely would come if I just said "right, that's it, we're going or else!" but it's not healthy for us or him to "make" someone do something they don't want to just because there's no other option....so difficult! Thanks for your input And by not going he is making you choose to do something you don't want to. Which is remain in Aus and probably start a family there with little to no hope of then ever moving back to the UK (unless he has a big change of heart). Its a tough thing to work out, lots of grey areas. But honestly, if you have to say 'We are going or else' to get him to agree to go, your relationship is possibly doomed anyways after that. There will be lots of room for resentment if things don't go well or work doesn't happen or some such based off such a move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Thanks, I agree that pingponging is not a sensible option, especially financially. As for my partner, he hasn't point blank said "no I'm not going" nor would he, he just knows he doesn't want to live in England, I know that he most likely would come if I just said "right, that's it, we're going or else!" but it's not healthy for us or him to "make" someone do something they don't want to just because there's no other option....so difficult! Thanks for your input Well you can't make him *want* to live in England, so there is no point trying to do that. The question is, if he is prepared to live in England. If he is, then start planning it. If you don't want him to come unless he is wholehearted about it, well then you are probably back to two people wanting two different things and perhaps calling time. There will always be an element of compromise in the mixed relationship, if you don't want that, then you need to find someone who wants to live in the UK as much as you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Oh dear! Yup, I've got the t shirt on that one! Mixed marriage here and for the longest time I held on to an unspoken assumption that we would be spending a good deal of our retirement in UK until my DH said no way in the world would he ever live in UK! Cue situational depression in spades and at least 10 very miserable years. the DH couldn't even bring himself to visit UK for holidays more than 4 weeks at a time and even refused to visit for a couple of quite significant events in our son's life which I think he really regrets now! Anyway, life throws you curve balls and when we came for our son's wedding in 2011 he could see how frail my olds were and did a complete 180 turn and we've been here since -and he loves it! Or giving a damned good impression of loving it. I'd suggest marriage counselling here TBH. The only way you will survive is with a sense of compromise in all this. If you're feeling trapped, giving all while he gives nothing then it isn't going to be good in the long term and you most definitely do not want to bring kids into the equation in Aus until you've sorted what it is you want out of life. At some stage you may have to bite the bullet - if he is the one you want to grow old and have grand kids with then yes, you may end your days in an alien land but if that's the least worst alternative you live with it and make the best of it I guess. I lived for so long with the least worst option that it definitely took a toll on my mental and physical health but I wouldn't have done it any other way. I know I will have to return to Aus but the thought no longer makes me want to throw up thank heavens. Good luck with your decision making - it sucks to be sure but at the end of the day you'll make the right decision for you! (and good luck with visa options that allow you the choice!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boganbear Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Because my dad was in the Navy, I was born and grew up in one part of the UK and all of my mum and dad's families lived in another. I rarely saw any of them. If I met most of my extended family I would have no idea who they are. I can understand that having your family around to help with kids can be useful but the same problem of distance can happen whether you are in Australia or another part of the UK. I don't feel that I lost anything and for most migrants, kids won't know their families so it's nothing new and I can't see what the issue is. All of the adult aussies I know whose parents emigrated may have only met cousins, aunts, uncles or grandparents a few times if they are lucky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Not being funny here but I (personally) don't understand those who feel that they need family help to raise their kids.....................yes, it's nice to have them around but is it just for help or is it for the "feel" of family? For those married to Aussies who say similar............what's wrong with the having the partner's family around? Do you need both sets of family or is it more about you needing yours? Like I say, I'm not being funny but I just don't get it? I have talked about this often with ex servicemen (including my 3 grown sons) and they feel the same as I do. As long as I know they are alright, then that's enough and I don't need them around nor they me., although we do skype. Dunno if it's peculiar to servicemen/women though or if there are exceptions (for ex/ service personnel) but I haven't yet met one...........perhaps lack of strong family ties/need is an "attribute" of service people? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 yes johndoe- that's definitely a service mentality- military personnel have to adapt a different outlook to get through the reality of being away from family for long periods and it becomes the norm. a lot of women crave being near their own blood relatives (and mum) once they have a child. this seems perfectly natural to me- we've operated like this for centuries. there's no shame in it- it's hard work during infancy and it's preferable to have practical help in the early days as well as a listening ear/reassurance. it's much harder if they are the other side of the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Because my dad was in the Navy, I was born and grew up in one part of the UK and all of my mum and dad's families lived in another. I rarely saw any of them. If I met most of my extended family I would have no idea who they are. I can understand that having your family around to help with kids can be useful but the same problem of distance can happen whether you are in Australia or another part of the UK. I don't feel that I lost anything and for most migrants, kids won't know their families so it's nothing new and I can't see what the issue is. All of the adult aussies I know whose parents emigrated may have only met cousins, aunts, uncles or grandparents a few times if they are lucky. I grew up without extended family as my parents were migrants. It didn't damage me, but I think the extended family may have enriched my life. No big family occasions for me, but they look like they can be great fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Tell your partner he can have the same outside life in the UK as he does in Oz, we had 7 months of warm sunny weather last year and this year has also been very warm and sunny, plenty of places around the UK you can surf cycle and do plenty of outdoor activities, the winters for the last couple of years have been very mild and I have not even had to wear my woolly hat whilst playing golf, they forecast that we are sitting a shift to milder winters with hotter prolonged summers but the downside is flash floods like we have seen recently, only my opinion but I think the UK has more to offer to a young couple especially with Europe on the door step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 A very hard decision for you with no easy answer. Could it be that your OH doesn't want to leave his family? How well does he know your family? Would he feel he would fit in with them? Trying to find an agreeable compromise without it being an ultimatum is difficult. I hope you work something out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shmisa7220 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Hi Rachel, thank you. We have discussed the family thing at length, family is not a deciding factor for him. He gets on with my family amazingly, we've spent many trips back there with them & they adore him. Regarding a previous post about just being in England for help with any children we may have; I wouldn't move just for help, its a deeper than that with or without children - we are all different & some of us need our family around us later in life & some people don't. We do have another factor and that is our dear dog (who we took on from my partners parents) we wouldn't be able to make the move with him as (health reasons) he wouldn't travel well to England at all so we would have to wait until he isn't around anymore (as horribly sad as it is to think of that time). We are aware of the pickle we are in! and sometimes wonder how we feel life just sort of happened to us! but at the same time, we both have no regrets, whatever happens in the future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shmisa7220 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Thanks Quoll - I relate to your post about the mental health issue, without making me & my partner sound like a couple of crazies, which of course we're not, we have both suffered with with depression & anxieties partially related to our situation (and other factors too of course) but despite that, as I said above, we have no regrets as yet! that's why we're being particularly careful in our decision making now (hence why I sought out Poms in Oz!)....it was interesting to read your post as you're further down this life process than us, so thanks SO much for your input, it is very helpful to hear others experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bezza Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Hi, I was just going to a post on this forum about the exact same situation but just came across your post! My husband is australian, we met in the uk and then moved to oz 3 years ago. We got married just before we left and had a baby over here. With hindsight I probably would have stayed in the uk to start a family. I have really missed my family and friends and have felt quite isolated at times. My hubbies family live nearby but it just isn't the same as having your own family around you when you have a child. I'm very keen to move back but hubby is completely against it and it's having a real negative effect on our relationship. I do love Australia and can see myself living here at a later stage in my life, I just feel that I need the support of family and friends at the moment. It has got to the stage where my hubby won't even discuss this which is really getting me down. Its a really hard situation to be in and think that it's important that you can both communicate to each other what you want and come to some sort of compromise. I agree with others on this forum that it may be a case of going back and forth (although this does get harder when kids are involved). I just worry that whatever we do, one of us will always be miserable! Same as you, his family would not be supportive if we moved back (even tho mine were when we moved here!), one of his reasons for not moving was that he didn't want to have to tell his parents that we would be leaving! Our son is also currently their only grandchild. It's so hard and I wish we could somehow do half the year here and half there but that's just not possible. I hope you manage to come to a decision together, I think it's good to be thinking about it now before you have kids as I wish had thought it through more carefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.