should we stay or should we go?

[lapidges]

Hi all,

I have been in Australia on and off since 2001. I came back in 2006 after 3 years back in the UK. I had a child who is now nearly 6. It was really tough being a single parent here and I felt sooo isolated. I met my new partner in 2011 whilst on a trip back home. He visited me here, in Melbourne. We then tried to move back to the Uk in 2012. I found out I was pregnant and had to turn down a job as I would have only been able to work 3 months after waiting ages for my police check. My partner never found a job. He had just completed a degree in fine art and had been working in graphics. So desperately scared of having no income as I didn't pass the habitual residency test for any benefits. ( I was born in the uk and lived there majority of my life) We decided to return to Melbourne.

We have applied for a partner visa which hasn't been granted yet.

I worked up until 2 weeks before my baby was born and returned to work when she was 6 months. It's been a stressful time. My partner wasn't able to work until this January due to waiting for a bridging visa to come into effect. He still hasn't worked as he was really sick and was in hospital last December and needed surgery. So to cut a long story short, life has been really difficult. We are just getting by financially on one wage. I have no idea when my partner will get a job. It's been 3 years and he is lacking confidence, depressed etc. Courses are expensive, no funding on bridging visa. I have always felt home sick and miss people. I don't have a supportive family, but have a great group of friends. My partner misses home too, but feels like he will have failed going back. My daughters and I are citizens here in Aus, and we wander what will happen if we go back and lose the visa. If we want to live here in the future what kind of visa can my partner get?

We both feel pulled in different directions. Sure the illness hasn't helped. I'm worried about setting up again in the UK, there seemed to be so many obstacles last time. Waiting to find a job, police check, you go to rent and need 6 months deposit because you don't have a job. May not be able to get back onto the property ladder as have bad credit rating back in UK, due to late payments of bills being over here. It's our last chance, if we go back again and we lose the visa that is it.

I want to hear from people who have gone back and how they set everything up? I'm sure I will get work as I am a nurse and have made enquiries and have some interest already. I also want to train as a Health Visitor in the Uk as it is 4 years here in Victoria to be a maternal child health nurse, too long and expensive.

We are thinking about Salisbury, never lived there, but have a few friends near by.

Due to our financial situation I would need to sell my flat here to pay for everything.

It feels like a choice between good practical things here, like, a house and a nice place to live verses people and that support especially for my partner who can't pull himself out of this state he is in. He is waiting for further surgery btw. I feel that he needs support of his close family.

Shouldn't be a problem leaving with my first daughter who has an Aussie dad as he is aware of situation and gave permission in the past.

Thanks for any advice.

[Quoll]

OK, reframe - moving somewhere where you are likely to get more support, find a job, etc is NOT failure! Being pragmatic is a survival skill! If you both decide you would be better served elsewhere then move! It wouldn't be the end - you and the kids have citizenship, it'd just be a matter of ploughing through the spouse visa again, all would not be lost! How about being proactive and both of you applying for jobs you would kill for - if you can have something concrete it makes a world of difference. Good luck whichever way you jump but never ever think of a move as a failure!

[jac2011]

Personally, just from what I read... You sound completely confused. I don't think now is the time for any decisions. Firstly, the depression is your husband receiving help for this? There is plenty of support out there and taking time to relax from your financial difficulties (ie a walk on the beach) may help. Id write a list of pro's and con's. Keep it going for a few weeks/months until you have had time to reflect properly.

 

Consider what you would like in 5 years time. Is moving back truly what you would like or is it the situation you are currently in that is making it difficult?

 

If you are looking at retraining, what are your options in the UK? Would you be expected to pay your course fee's now? I believe most uni's are charging £9k a year. If you trained as a nurse in the UK and you are entitled to funding (depends on how long you have spent in Aus) then you may still be expected to pay.

 

Can your husband look for help with retraining or improving his employment chances? It sounds like this is your biggest issue.

 

Good Luck

[calNgary]

OK, reframe - moving somewhere where you are likely to get more support, find a job, etc is NOT failure! !

 

If i read the OP right, he couldnt get work in the UK and they have bad credit ratings due to not paying bills etc, taking this into consideration i think it would be similar to jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, hence i agree with the above post that its probably best to stay put and try to sort some issues out, such as hubby / partners health etc before any decisions are made.

Moving with a good frame of mind and having time to sort financial issues out before going will certainly make moving easier on both people involved.

Cal x

[Quoll]

If i read the OP right, he couldnt get work in the UK and they have bad credit ratings due to not paying bills etc, taking this into consideration i think it would be similar to jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, hence i agree with the above post that its probably best to stay put and try to sort some issues out, such as hubby / partners health etc before any decisions are made.

Moving with a good frame of mind and having time to sort financial issues out before going will certainly make moving easier on both people involved.

Cal x

I'm not saying whether they should go or not! However, if they decide they would be better off elsewhere (socially, emotionally, physically, whatever), just saying that staying somewhere just because you would be thought to be a failure if you moved is silly. Making a pragmatic decision casting all in the balance makes sense and with the OP and her kids having citizenship, the fall out of a move is not the end of the world. Either way, living in a family where one is depressed is no picnic so the OP has my sympathies and as a family they should do what they need to do - no failures involved!

[lapidges]

Thanks to all who have responded.

Yes Jac, Peter has been on anti-depressants which made things worse, mood swings, sleepiness, unable to help with the kids. He has accessed the 10 free medicare Psych sessions. I haven't seen much change. There's only one session left. I guess I am frustrated as I am unhappy in the relationship in its current state. I feel resentment for paying for everything. This all may not change in the UK, but here I have signed to say I will support Peter financially as I am his sponsor. He has nothing, so I can't even ask him to leave if I wanted to. He has no money and nowhere to go, no friends here. Yes Peter can retrain in something, but he complains about having to work part time to fund the studying. So what to do?

Financially I would be in a better position if I sold my unit. In terms of studying in the UK, the course I want to do is paid for by the local health authority once you are accepted by them and the University. It's a paid salary to study for a year.

The situation I am in, does not help, if I had great supportive friends and family and a partner who was great and productive then maybe I wouldn't be on here.

My heart is in the UK, I am here for the practical reasons. I have found it very difficult to make true friends, who you can really open up to. This was as a single person years ago here in Melbourne and now. Even with my daughter starting school I had high hopes but it's still a struggle to get people to open up and share. There's a block?? I have questioned this many times. I am a very outgoing person, not over the top. My ex pat friends say the same.

Anyhow my partner and I will keep talking and hopefully I won't explode!!

[starlight7]

I guess people here are very cautious who they 'open up' to and trust. Sometimes it is just a chance thing to meet someone who clicks with you so don't give up. Also, on the positive side,maybe you don't want someone who is going to tell you their whole life history- they can be very needy and maybe it is as well not to have friends like that, especially if you have enough problems of your own?

[Chortlepuss]

I do sympathise as someone who is living with a child with MH issues and currently trapped in Oz for another 18 months. Friends give us strength at times like this - not from being needy or dependent, but as a distraction, a laugh and a chance to distance yourself from the daily grind. I am a pretty private person - but probably come across as being needy as I do suggest the odd meetup for coffee, after work drinks etc.. Brits are usually up for it - Ozzies are too busy and not interested in social connection unless there is some kind of benefit for them. My experience, but don't feel I'm alone in this. I've given up trying to socialise with Australians. Met a few nice Brits though! I intend to return to the UK. Australia may be beautiful but I need my pals! Good luck - it is so hard - can I suggest you go to some of the British meetup group get togethers (we have one in Bris but I suspect they'll be in all cities ) Nice to chat to some friendly people and not feel so isolated

[Marisawright]

Thanks to all who have responded.

Yes Jac, Peter has been on anti-depressants which made things worse, mood swings, sleepiness, unable to help with the kids. He has accessed the 10 free medicare Psych sessions. I haven't seen much change. There's only one session left. I guess I am frustrated as I am unhappy in the relationship in its current state. I feel resentment for paying for everything. This all may not change in the UK, but here I have signed to say I will support Peter financially as I am his sponsor. He has nothing, so I can't even ask him to leave if I wanted to. He has no money and nowhere to go, no friends here. Yes Peter can retrain in something, but he complains about having to work part time to fund the studying.

 

I empathise with you as I found myself in a similar situation - unhappy and resentful of my partner, yet feeling I couldn't walk out on him because I knew it was his illness causing him to be like that - it wasn't "really him". I kept thinking, if he ever found another woman, I'd hand him over with a happy (and relieved) heart!

 

The fact you're a nurse says to me that you have that caring instinct, too. But you don't marry someone to become their mother. I think you have to recognise that it's not your job to care for him for the rest of his life, and that your future may not be together. Does he have family if you go back to the UK? If so, that may be a powerful reason for going back. It sounds like you have enough on your plate without being responsible for another (grown-up) child.

[Jacaranda]

Ok,do you love this guy,or (and I'm sorry if this causes offence)are you just with him because of his health issues?I'm asking this because lets say you relocated back to the UK?Is this going to change Peter's mental state of health?Are you going to be re training ect only to find you are still the only one working?Thats quite a heavy burden to bare,and personally I would find I would be getting quite resentful myself.I think you need to look deeper at the relationship before committing to moving anywhere.This is just my personal POV,and what I would be doing.You have to look at your own needs/wants as well.You will soon have 2 kids to feed and so on.Not an easy situation hon and I really feel for you.Hope you manage to find some clarity and peace soon xxx

[Guest Guest226914]

Personally, I would first ask myself the following questions

1) where would I prefer to be if my partner wasn't depressed?

2) would moving back to the uk genuinely help my partner get better? Or am I just clutching at anything with the hope of improving the situation?

3) would moving back to the uk help improve the finances baring in mind you would have to study for a year etc etc

4) are you so committed that you really want to do whatever it takes to help his state of mind or should you start thinking you should do what's best for you and your children?

 

You mentioned that he doesn't seem to want to look for work which obviously does not help your feelings of resentment. sometimes people with mh issues need to realise that they need to be helped before they can start receiving treatment. I don't know his whole situation but is it purely his depression or is there an element of laziness/not wanting anyone to help him going on? It seems very unfair that he says he doesn't even want to look for part time work. I suppose it all comes down to how long you have had to deal with this and how much longer you are willing to take all of this.

 

I think I would go to the country I would choose to stay without the mh issues going on and try and get him help from there. Depression can be treated from any country and I know you say you want more support but is that truly going to solve all the problems?

 

How long has it been since you lodged your visa? It might not be that long until it gets approved and then you will be able to access funding. You need to try and think long term.

 

Anyhow I would try and sort through as many issues as you can before you make any decisions. I hope some of this helps.

[lapidges]

Thank you, you have all made valid comments!

When someone has issues, illness of course they will take it wherever they go. I am fedup being the breadwinner, and so am thinking what do I really really want? I want to retrain so I can something I love. I want better hours to see my kids more. I want to be near my friends and family who truly understand me and want to know how I really am feeling. Good old heart to hearts. I have one friend here I can do that with. I want cold Christmas's and to be near my wonderful grandmother who is 96.

I think as far as my relationship with Peter goes it will take a few big changes to revive. At the moment it is dysfunctional. So if we end up splitting up, at least he has his family to go to. Here he has no one and if no income etc, I am responsible according to my declaration with the visa application.

So I feel that staying here as a single parent is no fun, done that already. So I would rather be a single parent in the UK.

Sam

[Marisawright]

Thank you, you have all made valid comments!

When someone has issues, illness of course they will take it wherever they go. I am fedup being the breadwinner, and so am thinking what do I really really want? I want to retrain so I can something I love. I want better hours to see my kids more. I want to be near my friends and family who truly understand me and want to know how I really am feeling. Good old heart to hearts. I have one friend here I can do that with. I want cold Christmas's and to be near my wonderful grandmother who is 96.

I think as far as my relationship with Peter goes it will take a few big changes to revive. At the moment it is dysfunctional. So if we end up splitting up, at least he has his family to go to. Here he has no one and if no income etc, I am responsible according to my declaration with the visa application.

So I feel that staying here as a single parent is no fun, done that already. So I would rather be a single parent in the UK.

Sam

 

That all makes perfect sense to me.

[Guest]

Thank you, you have all made valid comments!

When someone has issues, illness of course they will take it wherever they go. I am fedup being the breadwinner, and so am thinking what do I really really want? I want to retrain so I can something I love. I want better hours to see my kids more. I want to be near my friends and family who truly understand me and want to know how I really am feeling. Good old heart to hearts. I have one friend here I can do that with. I want cold Christmas's and to be near my wonderful grandmother who is 96.

I think as far as my relationship with Peter goes it will take a few big changes to revive. At the moment it is dysfunctional. So if we end up splitting up, at least he has his family to go to. Here he has no one and if no income etc, I am responsible according to my declaration with the visa application.

So I feel that staying here as a single parent is no fun, done that already. So I would rather be a single parent in the UK.

Sam

I think you've answered your question here. You really in your heart want to be in the U.K. It sounds to me anyway. So make plans to go back with or without Peter who it sounds like you don't want to be with. Sorry if that sounds harsh. If i'm wrong in my conclusions here i'm sorry. Good luck with your decision. I think you know what need to do.

[jasepom]

I moved back to UK and regretted it ever since.

[Keith and Linda]

I moved back to UK and regretted it ever since.

 

Never miss an opportunity to tell us do you jasepom? hope things work out for you though.

[wattsy1982]

never miss an opportunity to tell us do you jasepom? Hope things work out for you though.

 

never ever!

[Pumpkin]

From what you have written, I am struggling to find any reason why you would want to stay in Australia. The troubling part though is what if he does and I believe you have a child together? Could get awkward. Do you know where you stand in that sense? What visa is he on at the moment?