Aussie man with very, very homesick UK wife. HELP!!!!

[Surf N Turf]

Hi Stuart, there are quite a few regular posters on PIO who are struggling with the 'mixed marriage' scenario so I hope you get lots of useful input. I'm Australian and my partner is a very homesick Brit. We moved to Australia in 2008 and then headed back to the UK in 2010 as his homesickness was so great neither of us could cope. It was a reluctant move on my part but, as you know, it's horrible seeing your partner so unwell and knowing that it's due to your desire to live in your own country. Guilt! Our move back to the UK proved to be a disaster, due to lots of reasons I won't bore you with, and so five months later we arrived back here. This time to Melbourne, a new city for us both. It's so easy to type out those words but impossible to describe the emotional cost of the whole experience. What I do know is that we'll fight to the death of our relationship. But I also know that being together brings one of us, whoever isn't 'home', a lot of pain. Damned either way.

 

For now, we're here. And that's what I've learned. You can only ever talk of 'for now'. Because to make long-term plans for either country makes one of us feel miserable and trapped. My partner, who will hopefully be along later to give you his perspective, is currently 'taking one for the team' because life in Melbourne is good. But at some point I'll need to do the same. Our main hope is that we protect our daughter from any fallout from too many international moves.

 

I also know that this issue will never not be 'live' for us. Don't imagine that a two year stint in the UK will be a fix. If you're very very lucky your wife will decide that Oz is where she wants to be. But you may also find that this turns into a life-long negotiation for you both. It's not easy but a good relationship is worth it. Particularly when there are kids.

[jasepom]

You also have to consider the job market. Yes you may find jobs back in Uk but if you end up on struggle street you will have regrets about leaving Oz. You're heart can lead you into trouble. There are ways to deal with it other than putting everything on the line. A counsellor may help your wife with her homesickness.

[Blewyn]

More exercise, more (or better) friends, a healthier diet. The UK is in long-term decline (has been since WWII) while Australia is a growing country. The choice for your child's future is obvious.

[wattsy1982]

More exercise, more (or better) friends, a healthier diet. The UK is in long-term decline (has been since WWII) while Australia is a growing country. The choice for your child's future is obvious.

 

...in YOUR opinion

 

Anyway, lets not defer from the OP, they are in a tough situation.

[Guest]

Mixed marriage here too. Hubby is the Aussie, I'm the Brit. We have a son, aged 6. I shall also mention that I am a child of a couple from different countries and so grew up with it and know how it can be on the kid.

 

Honestly, when you enter into a long term relationship or marriage with someone from another country, I don't think you can ever say 'never'. At least not once there is that further level of commitment or when children come along. Then its about give and take, much more compromise and beyond.

 

I am one of the lucky ones in that hubby was very happy in the UK and (although only 8 months in) I am happy in our part of Aus. We were luckily both open to living in each others home countries for a while, be it a year, two years or a decade. Our son has loving family on both sides of the world and a big part of our move to Aus was to give him the chance to know them fully, spend time with them properly rather than MIL visiting once a year and us getting over here once every 3-4 years. As to how long we will remain here, who knows. We have never put a time frame on it, never held expectations of 'forever' in either country and while we each have niggles with our adopted countries, they are not enough to make our lives unhappy or bad in any way shape or form.

 

The UK could offer you a good life, for a while, for a bit longer, but you have to be open to this and right now you are not. I would think this is making your wife feel even more hopeless and down, knowing you are so final on this.

 

Your wife has possibly been changed a great deal by becoming pregnant and having a child. I know it hit me for six when aged 36 I became pregnant (planned) and then a Mum. Emotions I had never experienced before or since kicked in and followed by a long bout of PND, it magnified to change my manner, my happiness and wellbeing. I can appreciate how it must feel to want or need some family around you that you've known since childhood, your own family, not your partners, who, while lovely probably cannot fill that deep down need that your own family can.

 

Fast forward a few years, PND battle fought and won, thinking much more clearly, being more practical and less emotional, the move to Aus was a pretty easy one to make. For us both. And our son is happy here. I'd also like to point out he was just as happy in the UK with his life and with us, even with far less family around and us living in an area away from them all and most of our friends. I'd think your child growing up for a while in the UK isn't a bad thing. I don't think you have to live right on top of family there either, you could look to further afield if work requirements and so on mean a bit of compromise.

 

I think your demands in terms of where you live forever are rather harsh and perhaps also causing resentment and upset for you wife. She may feel trapped here in Aus now you have a child and that longing to be near family is growing and its not going away. She may find herself coming out of it but from the sounds of it its a long history of homesickness on and off and I'd think this time it is here to really stick around and be a problem. Its not homesickness for a place, its missing people and for some they just can't manage. I am lucky in that I can but I really do feel for anyone who cannot function away from loved ones in the longer term.

 

If in the long term your wife is going to be so unhappy, struggling with this so much, is it worth it to stand by and watch it happen? To slowly lose her but have her still right there? What is it about the UK that you won't even consider going there to live? At least to let your wife see if you could be happy there, even if its only for a year or two, so she can see if it really is what she wants or not. For me, my son and husband are the be all and end all. I can be happy in either place and so can he, we are lucky, I know that. But if I was truly unhappy here or homesick and could not cope, we would move. Hubby maintains that all he needs to be happy anywhere is for me to be happy being there. OK the UK might not be his preferred country at that point (he is loving being back in Aus) but its not horrible, far from it. There are positives and negatives to both countries.

 

Could you cope with being away from Aus? Do you think you would not cope and would be homesick or miss people? Your stance of never strikes me as somewhat selfish. As has been said, material things are just that, material. Define a better life if one of you is so truly miserable it affects everything else? I don't know you can rule out living somewhere after holidays. I agree with someone else, to know you do have to go try it.

 

Bottom line for me being in my Aus/Brit marriage is that its a two way street. Give and take, compromise and never say never.

 

I have lots more thoughts but have to go on the school run.

[Lambethlad]

Why would you say that? Is this a common thing in homesick people in your experience? And yes, there is other issues at play. But maybe it’s chicken and egg. She has very low self esteem, always has and of course, way worse at the moment.

 

I was just thinking that she might be suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression so it wouldn't hurt to talk to a doctor or psychologist. Moving back to the UK might not be the answer if she has a medical condition.

[Gbye grey sky]

I sense that Snifter has nailed this however I would add that if you are to properly try out the UK (it doesn't have to be forever) then you must want to do it and you must commit yourself. If you go resentfully or on sufferance then it will not work for either of you. This means a radical change of mindset; can you manage to do this given your strong ties to Oz and your apparent antipathy towards living in the UK?

[Rupert]

Super post Snifter.

[Nikey]

I really feel for u with the difficulties a mixed marraiage brings.....on the other hand the world is also your oyster because of your heritage so why not embrace that and embrace the fact that u may well b coming and going between the 2 countries for a while to come....because you are both from the two countries.

 

If your wife is given the genuine option of ljving in the uk she might not want to but this will empower her and help her low self esteem u talk of.

 

I dont have a mixed marriage but always wanted to emigrate to oz and hubby was adamant he didnt want to. Then one day he turned around and said ok lets do it......then I didn't want to ;-)

 

Oh and i do agree with thinker that post baby is a very tricky time xx

[starlight7]

One thing though- without your permission I don't think your wife could take your son to UK. It would be classed as child abduction.

[jasepom]

Now is the ideal time to do this while your child is young and not at school!

 

Or don't upset them by taking them away from their friends. THEY are settled in Australia remember.

[Nikey]

Oh one more thing....if you dig your heels in about not living in the uk then she may start to really hate Australia and associate all of her bad emotions with the place......then u will never be able to live there at all unless it is without her which I am sure is not what u want

[wattsy1982]

Or don't upset them by taking them away from their friends. THEY are settled in Australia remember.

 

The child is only 1.

 

Regardless of this, the mother is at her wits end by the sound of it...this is more important

[Geraldine]

It's possible that if she has low self esteem that she agreed to live in Oz to please you not because it was in her heart. You sound like a really considerate husband and are lucky to be able to travel back to the UK so frequently. If the shoe was on the other foot I.e she had said if you want to marry me you have to live in the UK would you have done so ? There may or may not be more going on than any of us can know and it really might be worth speaking to a third party. You have nothing to loose by doing this and maybe lots to gain. A healthy family and a happy marriage is an incredible thing to have. I wish your family so much health, wealth and happiness in the future wherever you may live

[Quoll]

Another mixed marriage here and my husband could probably have written your post almost word for word at one time!

 

There is no rationale for what your wife is feeling - it may well be exogenous depression for which the only "cure" is to remove yourself from the situation which is making you depressed. I knew all about it in theory and had worked with people who had it but it was like a bloody sledgehammer when I had it. It had huge impacts on my physical and mental health which really magically improved once I left Australia. Sure there are tips and tricks and probably even pills to get you through each and every day but it's still very hard work and someone who is not affected can have no idea of the toll it takes, putting on that mask every day and living a half life. In hindsight, the last 10 yrs of my 30 in Australia were a nightmare and now that I've had a couple of years of belonging back in UK I'm hoping that when the time comes for me to return to Aus, as I have promised, that I will be recharged enough to cope like I did for the first 20 years there (should have popped my clogs by then!)

 

My husband, too, once told me that if he had to live in UK then "he" would be depressed (shows not the slightest sign of it and is like a pig in muck with the garden, his cycling, the gym and all the other things he fits into his day, especially sitting outside on our long balmy evenings!).

 

Marriage is all about compromise and there are those who glibly say - take sanity hits home every year. I'm ambivalent about them TBH - they worked for me but the downer at having to leave every time was getting worse each time - when you see how you can feel and then to have that snatched away from you again and again. In some ways you're probably better not to taste the forbidden fruit and just turn up your toes quicker. I'm very much a "head" person too which is why I stuck Aus for so long and my head persistently told me "this is home" but it never was and never will be - no rationale for that at all, it's a perfectly nice place for some I am sure.

 

Some of us get along with living the least worst option - life with him there (where you loathe) is better than life here (where you love) without him. That's what my head told me to do but it came at a price, a huge price of my health and happiness. I really have no idea what would or wouldn't work for you guys (I only know that moving back to UK even for a short time has been the best thing in the world for "us"). We're older and retired so that helps but, that said, I don't know too many folk around here who want to work but can't so I guess it all depends on where you go and what skill set you have. One thing you have done may subconsciously be making things worse though - although I can see why you moved closer to your folk for logistical reasons I actually think that exacerbates the feeling of isolation for the displaced one - you have everything and they have nothing and it doesn't take much of a hormonal swing to turn that into irrational resentment - their family and friends have nothing whilst your family and friends see all the milestones.

 

If you could do the sabbatical thing that might give your wife a chance to recharge her batteries and for you to see that life in UK isn't totally grim. Then re-evaluate down the track - you might find you like it! One of my sons left Aus for a post uni gap year holiday -12 years ago, never intending to live here but now he has no intention of returning and after his last holiday back in Aus can't even be bothered to go back for a holiday. My husband, like you, didn't even enjoy being in UK for more than 4 weeks on holiday but now he goes back to Aus every year to see his mum and this year said that 4 weeks in Aus was enough and he was glad to be home so who knows! Your son is going to be just fine in either place so that's not really an issue!

 

Good luck, hope you guys can work it out!

[jasepom]

The child is only 1.

 

Regardless of this, the mother is at her wits end by the sound of it...this is more important

 

I'm not so sure, yes she is missing home and everything but they are in a good position so why have a massive upheaval. It's only one person in reverse if you look at it that way.

 

Holidays, holidays, holidays are the answer.

[Gallah]

Hi,

I could have written this post myself (from your wife's point of view!) I think back in the early days of our relationship I probably said I would stay in Oz forever and it would be the best place to bring up kids. After suffering from PND twice and never really feeling settled here, missing everyone and everything from the UK and feeling completely trapped I have completely changed my mind!

My husband is like you, by the sound of your post, a reasonable man and we have somehow managed to scrape the money to go back as often as possible but that is not really enough. My youngest is now 2 and I really think it's taken me until now to have the confidence to say that if I am this unhappy (ie days of crying and not wanting to do anything....not good with 2 little ones) it is time to go home. Maybe forever, maybe not. I have been down the counselling route but it didn't change anything.

If your wife feels like a chat, send me a PM...I am not all doom and gloom and definitely don't hate Australia. It is just not home to me and raising kids without my loved ones just seems so much harder than it should be!

[wattsy1982]

I'm not so sure, yes she is missing home and everything but they are in a good position so why have a massive upheaval. It's only one person in reverse if you look at it that way.

 

Holidays, holidays, holidays are the answer.

 

I dont want this to turn into a debate between me and you but I would rather be unhappy than my wife be unhappy. I also think blokes deal with things differently, there aren't so many emotions and hormones involved...plus if his wife is at home all day with the baby then it must be even harder.

 

Like i said, I would do what made my wife happy even if it made me unhappy but not all men are like me, not saying im right. I look at it as a happy wife usually leads to a happy husband but a happy husband doesnt always mean a happy wife

[wolvesaussie]

I would not go back. She wont leave Australia without u. If u go back and she doesnt get over it u are stuck there if u want to have future with child.

[jac2011]

Is it possible at all, for your wife to have a trip alone to the UK for possibly 3 months for her to contemplate the lives you could lead there? She could spend the time, researching schools, houses, employment options, doing a financial spreadsheet, spending time with family and then have a joint meeting together?

 

If she see's that you are taking her feelings seriously, are prepared to take steps to consider her views and that you are there for her even if it means you cant see her for 3 months then that will strengthen your relationship.

 

At the end of the day a house is a house, you can only create a home when everyone is happy in themselves. Do consider the possibility of depression, though I am not saying it is present. Having a 1 year old in a country that doesn't feel like home without family must be a terrible place to be. Encourage her to see friends, have time for herself and that she is surrounded by likeminded people.

 

If you have to move to the Uk for a few years, think of it as an adventure. Agree with the wife that you are prepared to try it for x amount of years so long as you can find employment. Move to a lovely place here, not just where your wife grew up. Enjoy the sites, travel to Europe and enjoy your adventure. Sometimes things in life are economically the best decision but they build us as people. In x amount of years, your wife would have seen what living in the UK is like on a practical level and will be better able to compare. Dreaming of a dream is never going to be easy, dreaming of the perfect family lifestyle doesn't always happen when you live on each others doorstep. The only way your wife may get over these feelings is to experience it.

 

At the end of the day wherever you are, you have your wife and children. Don't let her resent your relationship and damage what you have.

[wolvesaussie]

Not sure if it works. But I say to my girlfriend how many days a year did u see ur mum the last year we were in england. Answer approx 12. Now how many days have u seen mum ur first year in aus. Well there is our two weeks back so that is ten. Then im paying for her to come out for three. That's 31 total..so u my dear are now seeing more of ur family

[jasepom]

Not sure if it works. But I say to my girlfriend how many days a year did u see ur mum the last year we were in england. Answer approx 12. Now how many days have u seen mum ur first year in aus. Well there is our two weeks back so that is ten. Then im paying for her to come out for three. That's 31 total..so u my dear are now seeing more of ur family

 

Yeah I agree you can turn every holiday into the time of your life. Gives your relatives something to look forward to. Split paying for flights or whatever. You see them more it's not always possible to do the se even when living in the same country. Also when living and working in Uk you could be a long way away from your family anyway.

[Penelope Pitstop]

Hi - I too am in a mixed marriage, my husband is Australian and I am English, so here is my experience.

It is hard but we have been happily married for almost 20 years. The 1st three years we lived in Australia and I was really homesick. Cried a lot. I was much younger then, there was no internet or anything and I really missed my Mum. I knew I never wanted to have children in Australia, and I couldn't have coped having babies with my MIL there and not my own Mum. I can understand how hard it must be for your wife. I did feel as if my husband had everything and I had nothing. After 3 years we went back to live in England, the plan was for 2 years. We had 2 children and ended up staying for over 12. The intention was always to return to Australia, and I suppose I felt guilty that my husband was away from his family and friends for so long (although we made regular trips back and had lots of visitors stay with us). So we moved the whole family back to Australia in 2009, and I can honestly say that second time round, being older and ‘wiser’ and having my own children (and the internet) I haven’t felt at all homesick like I did before. So you can get over it. My Mum passed away several years ago from cancer so I have got used to her not being there anymore.

However, we both (husband and I) have struggled to settle back in Australia, my husband hasn’t been able to slot back into life here and although he enjoys being back near his family he misses the UK and is quite keen to move back. So we are now considering moving yet again. We had a good life in England and assumed we would have as good a life here – but something is missing. We have one child who likes it here and one child who wants to go back. I am no longer homesick but I prefer living in England, despite the weather.

I don’t understand why you are so ‘down’ on the UK, and why you feel you would be going backwards. What part of the country is your wife from? We had a good standard of living in England and have definitely gone backwards in Australia. Everyone I know in England has jobs and goes on regular exotic holidays, when we went back last year on holiday there were lots of expensive new cars on the roads, the restaurants, shops and pubs were all busy so it didn’t seem like doom and gloom at all. Also it is much cheaper to fly return England to Australia return than Australia to England return (just go on the Singapore Airlines website and compare the prices!).

I do sympathise with your situation and I know what it is like to feel you are living in limbo. It must be the curse of the mixed marriage.

[Kapri]

Stuart, you sound like a lovely man who wants his wife to be happy.

 

I think it's important to realise that she is still in the post natal period, and having a baby of her own is probably making her think about her family.

 

For your sons sake, it's important to try and find a resolution.

 

Would it be possible to try the UK for 2 years with a view to making a permanent decision on where to live before your son starts school?

 

I love living in Australia now but if I had come when my two were babies, I'm not sure I could have settled. It's bloody hard work having babies and young children and it's not unusual for women to want to be near their own Mums.

 

Maybe once your son is older, your wife will find it easier to settle in Aus.

 

Good luck

[jasepom]

I think you've hit the nail on the head there could be postnatal depression at work. With the arrival of a baby the first year will naturally bring a mixture of feelings and being away from extended family. Not a good time for making big decisions.