Having a wobble

[Helz980]

Hi folks!!

 

Am having a wobble & I'm probably just winding myself up but ever since I went to see my counsellor (first session) on Wednesday I've not felt great. It's like a lot of stuff was brought to the surface that id never considered like my life wa actually quite good in the uk,& a host of underlying relationship issues. However it's just made me more certain that uk is what I want but I've got nothing! No money just my daughter ?but a very supportive family who would definitely help. I just ffeel useless as I've never been in this position before & I just feel trapped & lonely.

I'm crying as I write this & I just want my mam

 

sorry for the post I tried to talk to my friend last night but all she said was 'cant believe you are still banging on about going home, you know you are lucky to be here & you won't be able to do half the stuff you do with Olivia here back home'

[twinsmom65]

I wouldn't worry what other people think to be honest.

 

I suffer from depression, and hit quite a few low spots when I was in Oz.

 

Getting the stuff out when talking to the counsellor is good. It's hard when everything is coming out of the woodwork, but it will get better. It's human nature to keep things from coming to the surface, easier to deal with.

 

Are you going back to the UK for a holiday. That could be something to look forward to, and once there have an open and honest talk with your parents.

 

If I remember correctly, your OH is not keen on moving back.

 

Remember, if you need to chat, feel free to bounce off us lot of returnees. Some of us have been in your shoes before.

 

Big hugs and take care.

 

Karen

[Helz980]

Thanks Karen. Normally I try not to listen to people but I've not had anyone to talk to about my session. Tbh she was only saying to me a few weeks back how homesick she was so I'm inclined to think she's trying to convince herself. Heading home mid/end July no flights booked as yet but am already counting the weeks & am incredibly excited. Yes oh does not want to move back but I want him to see how happy I am at home. I've never really had depression before but oz seems to have sucked a lot of my spirit away.

 

Ive talked to my mam before & her & my dad just want me to be healthy & happy & can see/hear that I've not been since November & that worries them

[twinsmom65]

Yep my parents worried about me too, even though I was 45 at the time.

 

Since we have been back my one daughter has rebounded really well. The other misses oz, but has settled in nicely.

 

I am doing well too, although my relationship with my OH is still the same, but that had nothing to do with Oz.

 

I have been back just over 3 years now, and it was the right move for us.

 

Cheers

 

Karen

[Lynne78]

Hi, I agree with Karen. I suffered from depression about 5 years ago and my first few counseling sessions were the same - lots of tears and a bit overwhelming - but it gets easier and I found it helpful. At least if gives you an opportunity to express how you feel without it turning into a fight, or have someone tell you to stop banging on about going home and be happy! It's normal to have ups and downs. I get that your friend may be trying to justify her move here, but her comments were insensitive. However, I found that unless you are speaking to someone who has had depression, it can be very difficult to find the understanding you need. You get a lot of "I don't know what she's so unhappy about. She just needs to cheer up". I know your OH doesn't want to go back, but is he getting any further in accepting how unhappy you are and that you are not going to change your mind?

 

Also, as an aside, what do you do with Olivia that your friend thinks you'll not be able to do in the UK? Not that I have any kids yet, but it bugs the hell out of me when people go on about how it is so much better for kids over here, they can do so much more and had better childhoods - like we all had incredibly dull childhoods in the UK!!

[VERYSTORMY]

I can understand your fear of not having anything and i think it is one a lot of people have - i have seen a lot of people on here over the years who are very unhappy in Oz but stay because they are scared of going back with nothing. But, i think they are failing themselves as happyness is not reliant on material things and them things come back anyway. I have a couple of times in my life had very little - i spent a fair stint of my life homeless. So, i know what not having things is all about. It partly scares me again to know that life could make a twist and i could find myself in that position. But, at the same time, i know that if it did, i would get through it.

 

I remember another time about 12 years ago and i was out of work and my wife was on sick leave long term and we barely had enouh to eat. Often had to sit in the dark because we had no money for the electricity meter. But, i also know we were not unhappy. We had some great times during that period and it was that period that inspired me to become a geologist and change my life.

 

So, dont worry about the material things. Just do what and be where will make you happy. You only get one shot at this life and there is no rewind button

[Sustain]

I've got nothing! No money just my daughter ........my friend last night but all she said was 'cant believe you are still banging on about going home, you know you are lucky to be here & you won't be able to do half the stuff you do with Olivia here back home'

 

Start with what you have got

 

Who's happiness is she referring? Bit biased friendship if you ask me. Everyone will have what "they" think is best. You listen to yourself, and make plans accordingly.

 

Happy mum, happy child (what ever country)

[Quoll]

Ok, first off, what your friend said - load of tosh! However it doesn't sound like she is going to be the friend with the best shoulder to cry on unfortunately (it may well be because she us doing it tough herself and can't cope with someone else's angst). I honestly doubt there is anything you couldn't do with your daughter in UK that you could do in Aus

 

Im very sorry that your first counselling session has left you more unsettled than when you started! Counselling should always aim for empowerment, to leave you with strategies for dealing with the day and moving forward, making the best of what you've got. Of course no one is going to fix everything in one session but it should have left you with hope and an expectation that working together with the counsellor will give you the strength to make things better - whether that is changing the way you think about things or actively doing stuff to make things better or at least liveable. If you feel that your counsellor just wants you to wallow but isn't prepared to empower then change your counsellor I reckon!

 

Exogenous depression is a bugger! I knew all about it in theory but did not even come close to understanding what an enormous impact it can have on your physical and mental well being until I didn't have it any more. I suspect that people who haven't had it have no idea how debilitating it can be - but, like everything else, you CAN live with it if that's the choice that you have to make and there are strategies to help you do so.

 

You know that wonderful saying from the Exotic Marigold Hotel - "It'll all be alright in the end and if it's not alright then it is not the end!"

[Helz980]

Hi, I agree with Karen. I suffered from depression about 5 years ago and my first few counseling sessions were the same - lots of tears and a bit overwhelming - but it gets easier and I found it helpful. At least if gives you an opportunity to express how you feel without it turning into a fight, or have someone tell you to stop banging on about going home and be happy! It's normal to have ups and downs. I get that your friend may be trying to justify her move here, but her comments were insensitive. However, I found that unless you are speaking to someone who has had depression, it can be very difficult to find the understanding you need. You get a lot of "I don't know what she's so unhappy about. She just needs to cheer up". I know your OH doesn't want to go back, but is he getting any further in accepting how unhappy you are and that you are not going to change your mind?

 

Also, as an aside, what do you do with Olivia that your friend thinks you'll not be able to do in the UK? Not that I have any kids yet, but it bugs the hell out of me when people go on about how it is so much better for kids over here, they can do so much more and had better childhoods - like we all had incredibly dull childhoods in the UK!!

 

hes stopped talking about it, am pretty sure its just an elephant in the room. But then again he just wants to fix things & I believe that's what he thinks the counsellor will do.

 

I said to my friend Olivia will do lots of things but it will be different to OZ like we wont near a beach but we will have my parents farm to enjoy as well as ponies for her. I must admit Olivia goes to a lot of playgroups etc because it gets me out of the house & I see my friends as well as the time goes by quickly. & yes lynne it bugs the hell out of me when folk say that, my oh says it all the time.

[Helz980]

I can understand your fear of not having anything and i think it is one a lot of people have - i have seen a lot of people on here over the years who are very unhappy in Oz but stay because they are scared of going back with nothing. But, i think they are failing themselves as happyness is not reliant on material things and them things come back anyway. I have a couple of times in my life had very little - i spent a fair stint of my life homeless. So, i know what not having things is all about. It partly scares me again to know that life could make a twist and i could find myself in that position. But, at the same time, i know that if it did, i would get through it.

 

I remember another time about 12 years ago and i was out of work and my wife was on sick leave long term and we barely had enouh to eat. Often had to sit in the dark because we had no money for the electricity meter. But, i also know we were not unhappy. We had some great times during that period and it was that period that inspired me to become a geologist and change my life.

 

So, dont worry about the material things. Just do what and be where will make you happy. You only get one shot at this life and there is no rewind button

thanks verystormy for your reply, you are so right. I only get one chance at life & I don't want to spend it being miserable & therefore having a detrimental effect on my daughter.

I am a strong person (just shes hiding a bit at the moment) & I do have the capability to begin again if I have to

[Helz980]

Ok, first off, what your friend said - load of tosh! However it doesn't sound like she is going to be the friend with the best shoulder to cry on unfortunately (it may well be because she us doing it tough herself and can't cope with someone else's angst). I honestly doubt there is anything you couldn't do with your daughter in UK that you could do in Aus

 

Im very sorry that your first counselling session has left you more unsettled than when you started! Counselling should always aim for empowerment, to leave you with strategies for dealing with the day and moving forward, making the best of what you've got. Of course no one is going to fix everything in one session but it should have left you with hope and an expectation that working together with the counsellor will give you the strength to make things better - whether that is changing the way you think about things or actively doing stuff to make things better or at least liveable. If you feel that your counsellor just wants you to wallow but isn't prepared to empower then change your counsellor I reckon!

 

Exogenous depression is a bugger! I knew all about it in theory but did not even come close to understanding what an enormous impact it can have on your physical and mental well being until I didn't have it any more. I suspect that people who haven't had it have no idea how debilitating it can be - but, like everything else, you CAN live with it if that's the choice that you have to make and there are strategies to help you do so.

 

You know that wonderful saying from the Exotic Marigold Hotel - "It'll all be alright in the end and if it's not alright then it is not the end!"

 

I do think my friend is trying to convince herself, her baby is 6months old & shes been in oz for 5 years & just recently spoke about going back home. But yeh if you want your kids to do something, you will go out & find it, no matter where you. Only thing will be the added bonus of family around to enjoy those times as well.

 

as for the counsellor maybe because I opened the door on emotions etc that i'd kept hidden for so long & they came to the surface, I basically spilled my guts so to speak. SO I think I just needed a few days to think. Paul asked me how it went & whether it had helped, I just said that it was more scene setting & that I wouldn't know after the first session. I mean in 2 years I've left a career, went to another country, got pregnant, lost twins, baby born premature......that's a lot to contend with.

 

I just know that when I land at Newcastle airport that weight will be lifted :-)

 

ive not heard that saying before but I like it!

[Helz980]

Start with what you have got

 

Who's happiness is she referring? Bit biased friendship if you ask me. Everyone will have what "they" think is best. You listen to yourself, and make plans accordingly.

 

Happy mum, happy child (what ever country)

 

you are so right Sustain..I have my daughter that is more than some people can ever wish for. & I thank my lucky stars that I was incredibly blessed to have her, she is my world.

[SKW]

I think you're right that your counselling session allowed you the space to bring up some stuff you've been holding in. It's positive that you're giving yourself somewhere you can talk about how you feel, and hopefully it will help you find some further clarity. I hope your trip home in July will be what you need. I remember feeling like you, pretty much from the start I knew Oz wasn't for me long term, it can feel so isolating, vent away here if you need too.

[Helz980]

I think you're right that your counselling session allowed you the space to bring up some stuff you've been holding in. It's positive that you're giving yourself somewhere you can talk about how you feel, and hopefully it will help you find some further clarity. I hope your trip home in July will be what you need. I remember feeling like you, pretty much from the start I knew Oz wasn't for me long term, it can feel so isolating, vent away here if you need too.

I always said it wasn't forever & tbh I don't think I really wanted to come in the first place! Thanks i need somewhere to vent!

[Buttercup]

Helz, I can honestly say I have never experienced loneliness until I went to Oz. Yes i made friends etc etc, and the sun was shining (sometimes) etc etc BUT i just felt so alone. I don't think you can put it into words really. I'm not an expert by any stretch but happiness and contentment do not consist of "things" or a place, it so much more complex than this. You only have one life, do what you need to do. The Important people in your life will be there for you no matter what and that's what counts.

[Helz980]

Helz, I can honestly say I have never experienced loneliness until I went to Oz. Yes i made friends etc etc, and the sun was shining (sometimes) etc etc BUT i just felt so alone. I don't think you can put it into words really. I'm not an expert by any stretch but happiness and contentment do not consist of "things" or a place, it so much more complex than this. You only have one life, do what you need to do. The Important people in your life will be there for you no matter what and that's what counts.

Aww buttercup, you have just said exactly how I feel. If you are crying inside it doesn't matter if the bloody sun is shining!

 

Are you back home now?

[Quoll]

 

as for the counsellor maybe because I opened the door on emotions etc that i'd kept hidden for so long & they came to the surface, I basically spilled my guts so to speak. SO I think I just needed a few days to think. Paul asked me how it went & whether it had helped, I just said that it was more scene setting & that I wouldn't know after the first session. I mean in 2 years I've left a career, went to another country, got pregnant, lost twins, baby born premature......that's a lot to contend with

 

Looking at it like that, I'd say you were doing jolly well to just lift your head off the pillow every day! That's a heck of a lot of life and knocks in a very short time!

[Buttercup]

Aww buttercup, you have just said exactly how I feel. If you are crying inside it doesn't matter if the bloody sun is shining!

 

Are you back home now?

Yes. Been back 2 years. No regrets- honestly. We went to Oz for a new experience, which it was. It's made me appreciate what's Important. You will get there. I lost my sparkle in Oz (I'm usually a bubbly person who likes a laugh). I got my sparkle back once I booked the flight home. It's hard to describe but I felt "souless' out there. This was further compounded by the fact some fellow brits tried to make me feel I should love the place. It's a tricky one with so many layers. I feel for you and can relate. I would hazzard a guess that once you've booked your flight, that will be better than any counseling. I felt like the air had been put back in my lungs. I know that probably sounds a bit melodramatic but that's truly how I felt the moment I saw my friends at the airport.

[Buttercup]

Helz, I just read some of the the other stuff you've been through:hug: +++. You will get there.

[PaulRaynor]

When I came with my wife and young family 15 years ago we had an exit strategy. If either of us was unhappy we would go home together as a family simple as that. I never for one minute thought that my wife would fall on her feet alone. Great job, great female friends etc. We always did everything together at home. It just didn't work for me as much as I tried but she stopped listening and that was the key. She left and is now blissfully happy with another partner. I have my boys Helz just as you have your lovely daughter. I have been to some deep, dark places but one day, I know I'll be happy again.

 

You must go home, even without your partner I truly hope that he sees your peace when he doesn't have you and realise that the important decisions in life have to be made together.

[tillyd]

I can relate to so much of your posts. I am currently trying to be strong and will be going home with just my two pets and a few boxes of possessions. Its taken me a good while to get to this point and I probably should have done it sooner. I guess I was hoping for the best but expecting the worst. The best is that I am now going home, the worse it that it will be alone. However, I have done so much soul searching and I know that no matter how tough the next few months will be, I will be responsible for the outcome and no-one else. After all its my life.

 

For you my dear, you may have to take a good look at what you want and where you belong. What makes you feel complete? If you could have any life you wish, what would it look like?

 

Funny I keep a journal and the other day I looked back on the entries that I made when I first arrived. I then looked forward to the recent entries that I had made. Strangely, they were so similar in thought. Nothing has changed in the way I feel. I love Australia a little more but the sadness is still there.

 

Luck has nothing to do with how you feel and material possessions. Yes you may end up with less, but do you really? Won't you have what makes you happy? Whatever you decide good luck

[Chortlepuss]

Just been peeking on Facebook at a recent returnee (to Yorkshire) who went back with her young child. Many happy memories of when my kids were young in the UK - so much to do and explore, and of course it was lovely to have friends and family around me. Much more fun to be on Brighton pier with my mates, or a lovely welsh beach on holiday with my sister than somewhere fancy in Oz with no mates. Sorry about your wobble, but you won't know yourself when you get back - it will all feel so much more 'right'

[Marisawright]

Hi folks!!

 

Am having a wobble & I'm probably just winding myself up but ever since I went to see my counsellor (first session) on Wednesday I've not felt great. It's like a lot of stuff was brought to the surface that id never considered like my life wa actually quite good in the uk,& a host of underlying relationship issues.'

 

That's what counselling is for! You can't resolve anything until you've understood what needs to be resolved. I know it's not easy but try to be patient with it - you will get through it. It's not a good idea to make decisions halfway through the process. Hang in there!

[Helz980]

Thanks so much for all your kind words, it's good to know that I've got people on here who understand how am feeling. I'm going to talk to my hubby about booking my flights now, even if it means chucking it on a credit card. I think I do know what I want & that's to head home & feel whole again. I had a long chat with my mam last night & although I spent most of the call in tears I did feel better for it. She said chin up Helen & it's not long until July. I will get there I've been through enough in my life to know that things do get better it just takes a bit of time xx

[Sustain]

Thanks so much for all your kind words, it's good to know that I've got people on here who understand how am feeling. I'm going to talk to my hubby about booking my flights now, even if it means chucking it on a credit card. I think I do know what I want & that's to head home & feel whole again. I had a long chat with my mam last night & although I spent most of the call in tears I did feel better for it. She said chin up Helen & it's not long until July. I will get there I've been through enough in my life to know that things do get better it just takes a bit of time xx

 

Can you draw up a timetable by days (with purpose of ticking them off) with tasks to be done. With potential question to hubby about when he will be able to come and "visit". That way he sees it every time he goes for food or drink, and its subtle that he is in your future plans if he wants to be.