nambour Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I have read a few posts here now and again over the past year, but today i have decided to post something. My mother and brother are coming out to see me very soon, which is great, but i always feel more homesick near the time of visitors. Plus its getting closer to Christmas, which is always hard. So that being the reason to write this. I have no problems with Australia what so ever. Its a great country to live and as a citizen i benefit in many ways. We are completely debt free and live a very simple life. We live in a smallish town on the sunshine coast, in a nice smallish house with chickens and a vegetable garden. We are far from wealthy, but our circumstances mean that i am fortunate to be a stay at home mum for my 2 year old. My husband enjoys his local job and only has a 10 minute commute. I am currently getting back into my art projects which i am selling locally, which is delightful. When my son starts school i will return to work and the possibility of owning a small acreage is becoming realistic. Everything i have ever wished for really. However as a mother i feel that my child is missing out on precious family experiences. I feel sad that his grandparents, uncles and cousins are so far away. My family are in the UK and my husbands are in Canada. My family love him dearly and my dad really benefited from spending time with my son, when they came to visit. I also feel that i am missing out on special time with my family. I miss my old friends too and after 35 years of a very full and lucky existence, i cant help feeling that i am learning a huge life lesson of love for family and friends and what it all really means. I feel like as my parents get older, i should be there to help them out. After all the spent a good 20 years looking after me and my brothers. Plus i want to help them. They are not at that stage yet that i need to worry as they are still active and able, but it will come. I would love to spend more time with my father in his garden and vice versa. Plus my mother and i get on really well and i miss spending time with her. I also know that spending too much time with my family does my head in, but thats normal and just like any other thing, family should be in moderation too. After travelling the world and living in Australia, it is nearly a decade since i lived in the UK. I am out of touch of the reality of living there. I am from London. Now we have a child its harder to get back for visits, and flights have gotten more expensive. We are planning a trip back next year, but if i get pregnant again, then it wont happen and it could be another two years before we get to go overseas. That scares me a bit. I am not saying that i want to go back today...or tomorrow or even next year. I just worry that another 10 years will go by and i will have not spent hardly any time with my family (apart from visits here and there). My son will have missed out on holidays with the cousins and christmas with his family. By that time my child will be settled in school and its harder to pull them away from their life. The sensible side of me has decided to re-evalute the situation in 3 years, before my son starts school and in the mean time, continue to enjoy my life here. The biggest question is, can i have what we have here, in the UK? Obviously i cant take the weather, but that doesn't bother me. But i have difficulty thinking that we could ever afford to buy a property in the countryside, live without hugh debts and not have to deal with traffic and long commutes. You can't have it all and something would have to be sacrificed! Thanks for reading my ramblings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 When the kids start school it becomes much harder to travel. But saying that - with family in the uk and canada - there will never be a perfect solution. What you have sounds pretty good. Would you want to trade it for less? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I can't see any reason why you couldn't have what you've got there TBH, probably not in London though, but close enough to be within easy visiting reach. Although we were very happy being an isolated little family while my kids were growing up (and the boys appreciated their childhood) both of them, now as adults have independently commented on their regrets that we didn't have our family around (both have partnered with girls with huge social/family networks). My husband (avid gardener) is finding gardening in UK is different and he is in awe of all the allotments he sees although he has close to half an acre here to wrestle with. I've drawn the line at chooks! Good of luck with your decision, it's a hard one when you aren't sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 You have the life we dreamed of in Australia and never achieved, we have moved back to the UK to achieve it here! There are plenty of places in the UK where you could live that life - we are in Scotland, and it's still an awful lot nearer to London than Australia, in fact I'm there pretty much every week for meetings This is one of the places we've been browsing http://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/17812362?search_identifier=29474d92293584a5fa98a6af30fe059c - Zoopla is a great site for researching different areas and getting a reality check on what you could afford where. London and the Home Counties is of course expensive - East Anglia probably offers some good value rural properties. You don't mention what your OH does - that's going to make a difference and as you rightly say exchanging a 10 minute commute for a two hour one (not uncommon to London) has a huge quality of life impact. You also don't mention what your OH thinks about leaving Australia? Can you 'try before you buy'? Take a sabbatical in the UK - keep your place in Australia and ideally keep your OH's job open? Do it before your son starts school and it is really just a long holiday albeit 'working holiday' for your OH. It's possible that some of your fantasies of extended family life in the UK are just that - everyone leads busy lives and you may find it doesn't give you as much as you think. You are also at the stage where a lot of people migrate the other way - young child, one on the way - certainly true for us (well not the one on the way) and certainly for us I think it was seeking a bit of adventure as an antidote to the reality of family life, a sense that 'there must be more to life than this' - like you we had a bloody good life and threw it all away on a whim and got caught up in a fantasy of a 'better life' - life is pretty much the same everywhere I've discovered. I guess that means if you have a good life in Australia, you'll have a good life in the UK - it's much more about the choices you make and your relationships with others than a particular geographic location or weather pattern but it's an awful lot of stress and expense to end up in the exact same position you were before. The good thing is time is on your side and to be honest even up to age 14 it's not that much of a drama changing schools - my 10 year old is doing absolutely fine back in the UK and I am very glad he spent most of his primary years in the Australian school system - he had some amazing experiences and he's now having more amazing experiences - and very different ones, the best of both worlds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butler Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I feel for you, I think it's probably a situation that a lot of people find themselves in. We live in Mount Coolum so not far from you and love it but do miss home. I'm an only child and have 2 boys 9 & 12. We have moved from Melbourne to Perth and then over to the Sunshine Coast, my kids are happy, confident kids who deal with changing situations easily, moving schools isn't a problem. I think it's done them the world of good and we just tell them how lucky they are to have friends all over the country. We are looking into my parents coming to live over here with us, is that something you could look at? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Are your parents still working? If retired, could they do what a friend of mine does and live half the year in Aus and half in England? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen85 Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Its a very hard situation and I can relate being an aussie child of a family you have described, Both my parents are english and I was born here, however I only have my mum really as my sister is now married with kids and does her own thing. All my extended family is in the UK and I miss them terribly after a recent visit finally being able to get to know them properly after 28 years on this planet! I do wonder sometimes how things would have been had we all grown up together but I'm rectifying that next year as me and mum are moving back, can't wait!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil & Vikki Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 The trouble here is that time keeps on going by and you never know what is around the corner. Had pretty much the same thoughts when we went back to the UK this Christmas, about our parents and were considering moving back so that they can be closer to their grandchildren. We didn't think that it was nice of us to take their grandchildren so far away from them, when they had been looking forward to being grandparents for so long. However, out of the blue my father passed away. We never saw that one coming and would of said there was easily another 10+ years left in him. You never know though when your time is up on the list of life. Now we have to live with the regrets that we never moved back or acted sooner to try and sort things out. This is our story, but it is something that may happen to anyone in this position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Are your parents still working? If retired, could they do what a friend of mine does and live half the year in Aus and half in England? Wow. That would be a rather selfish suggestion for OP to make to her parents wouldn't it? Parents please can you uproot yourselves and spent your time and money cross crossing the world every six months so I don't have to make a decision! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 I can't see any reason why you couldn't have what you've got there TBH, probably not in London though, but close enough to be within easy visiting reach. Although we were very happy being an isolated little family while my kids were growing up (and the boys appreciated their childhood) both of them, now as adults have independently commented on their regrets that we didn't have our family around (both have partnered with girls with huge social/family networks). My husband (avid gardener) is finding gardening in UK is different and he is in awe of all the allotments he sees although he has close to half an acre here to wrestle with. I've drawn the line at chooks! Good of luck with your decision, it's a hard one when you aren't sure. I feel like your sons, we grew up without family as my parents were migrants. Actually even at the time, I was sorry that I never had any cousins like many of my friends. And now, yes I am still sorry that I don't know my cousins, aunts or uncles. My parents are now deceased and I have next to no family, it makes me a good migrant. I think people underestimate the importance of family or take it for granted. I think OP, if you have a loving family elsewhere and miss them, well go back and be with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 I could have written your post. My sentiments exactly. I have no answers for you! Good luck and stay happy:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 You miss them because you can't have easy access to them...when you do have easy access to them you take them for granted and/or people don't make the same effort. it's a no win situation really. For now for me I'll go with enjoying regular visits both there and them coming here and enjoying all I have here and couldn't have there...thats the compromise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Wow. That would be a rather selfish suggestion for OP to make to her parents wouldn't it? Parents please can you uproot yourselves and spent your time and money cross crossing the world every six months so I don't have to make a decision! Not selfish at all Rupert, look at what the poster says, "could they" and then goes on to point out that others already do it, and that's exactly what I am going to do when I retire, as I have (a supportive, understanding, unselfish) family in the UK and here in AUS, this suggestion was originally put to me by family in the UK. It is still only 1 return airfare per year, could even make more of a holiday of the journey's with stop overs and taking different routes/airlines. I am sure my family everywhere will be happy with this suggestion and I intend to do these whilst I age and health permits. Enjoy your life and not others, Keith Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butler Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Exactly, my parents love it here but I understand its a big decision for them, whatever they decide we will support them and if it doesn't work they will head back to the uk and holiday here. I don't think its selfish wanting them to spend loads of quality time with their grand kids Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 What we did was create a big family of our own who grew up, married and produced quite a few grandchildren. When we came it was 10 years before our first trip back to the UK but after that trip we could see that our parents were getting older so we went back every 2-3 years for a few years - alternating between the children. So I would take 2 and then my husband would take the other 2 another time. This went on until our mothers died. Then we brought my father out here and he spent the rest of his years happily in Australia. He loved it and he loved being near his grandchildren and great grandchildren. I never cared about the kids missing school really- I would organise trips during school hols but an extra week each end- figured they got more from the trip than sitting in school anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Wow. That would be a rather selfish suggestion for OP to make to her parents wouldn't it? Parents please can you uproot yourselves and spent your time and money cross crossing the world every six months so I don't have to make a decision! I quite agree with you! If you are the mover it behoves you to do the holidaying back with them I reckon. My parents chose (never ever any expectation on my part) to do the 6/6 thing and they did it for 15 years before the annual trip became too wearing along with the paucity of affordable travel insurance but ultimately they decided that their very old age lives were better spent in UK - better services, established social network, their generation of their family (although most have now popped their clogs)and they have been happy doing that. I think it is cruel to uproot an older person from their environment, established over many years and move them to a foreign country on the other side of the world, financially constraining them in the process (if they are very wealthy then it may be a different proposition). I'm sure there are some for which it works but, equally, over the years on this And other boards I have had many pms from people who have made the move and regretted the loss of their support, independence and "lives" but who find they are not able to go back, also for their kids who regret having almost coerced their olds into coming. Sadly, I think it is one of those animal things we do when we age and that is to go back to die where we started out. I don't think I really appreciated that until I got old! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 I was the same. I always spent a lonely christmas and wondered at all my friends with their extended families. The xmas we spent in 1975 in the UK was out of this world. I had family that I hadn't known about all over the place., It was truely magical. Xmas had always been nothing before, and nothing again after we returned to Oz. The xmas I had in 75 was probably the major event that drove me back to the uk. Even now in the UK I am an outsider. I don't get included much - and when I do it tends to be as an afterthought. I guess it's because I didn't grow up with my cousins. They are very friendly, but I don't really belong. Shame really, as to some extent, I've done the same thing to my kids, as most of my extended family are in Oz. At least I try and make the effort to return every second xmas. But it gets harder and more expensive. I'm going alone this time. I feel like your sons, we grew up without family as my parents were migrants. Actually even at the time, I was sorry that I never had any cousins like many of my friends. And now, yes I am still sorry that I don't know my cousins, aunts or uncles. My parents are now deceased and I have next to no family, it makes me a good migrant. I think people underestimate the importance of family or take it for granted. I think OP, if you have a loving family elsewhere and miss them, well go back and be with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Of course some people don't have an extended family wherever they live, I am an only child with one cousin at least 20 years older than me that I haven't seen since childhood, my son is an only child and although technically has two cousins he has never met them and likely never will. It's not imperative for a happy life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Of course some people don't have an extended family wherever they live, I am an only child with one cousin at least 20 years older than me that I haven't seen since childhood, my son is an only child and although technically has two cousins he has never met them and likely never will. It's not imperative for a happy life Nobody said it was. But it might enrich ones life further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Or make it worse...family are sometimes a double edged sword....that said I can't wait to see my Mum at Christmas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nambour Posted October 19, 2013 Author Share Posted October 19, 2013 Thanks for all your responses. its been a great help. In answer to some of your questions, despite my parents really loving Australia they will never move over here. They have a good social life and my two bothers who live in the UK and one with two children. I would not ever want them to uproot everything they have to live here. Plus my 96 year old grandmother is still alive and relies on my father. I think they will come over as much as they can whilst they are still fit to travel. My husband works in IT as a soft wear developer. I think he would like the opportunity to live in the UK and see some of Europe. I haven't told him of my recent feelings. We spent 3 years in Canada, living in Edmonton near his family and friends. It was only meant to be a year. Edmonton is a real dump and a very boring place to live. Its nicknamed Deadmonton for a reason. I cant believe i made it to 3 years there. It was everything that i didn't want in life and i am so glad we didn't get stuck there. I had to leave eventually anyway as my visa ran out and i didn't want to apply for residency. I did not want my son growing up in that environment. I enjoyed our weekends away in the Rockies, but getting jobs in interior BC was not as easy as getting jobs back in Australia. Anyway i had belongings and an apartment in Sydney to deal with, so whatever i did i needed to to return to Australia. Don't get me wrong, i feel lucky to have had the opportunity to live and work in Canada, but it was always a temporary thing for me. Like i said before i said before we did have the option of coming back to UK, but my parents discouraged it as at the time jobs were on the line....plus we would never been able to afford to buy a house or even rent in London and would have had to live with my parents for a while. There was and has been many positives of returning to Australia. I am happy here and day to day life is good. Making friends is hard when you get older, but i knew that would be the case. i am patient about that now. I just miss my family and feel that my son would really benefit from living closer to them. My son starts school in 2016 so we have close to two years before we would consider moving again. I love my house here and wouldn't want to part with it just yet. I don't think living in Scotland would work as it would defeat the purpose of being near to aging parents. I am waiting to see if my parents will move out of London (once my grandmother has passed on) as they could change everything for everybody. Whatever happens i will never regret anything of life in Australia. Its been a great experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzybangs Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Oh what a wonderful post and there are so many reasons I am saying that. I was in your position 30 years ago with 3 kids, about a third acre, chooks out the back and loved our simple lifestyle and in fact, it was probably the happiest time in our lives for all the family. I lived south of Brisbane and know your area vey well. I would have hated to have left Oz and would have kicked and fought against it had it arisen. We stayed until this year - 31 years and are now back in Devon. However, you have written about all the deeper issues that I did not face but ignored and I so admire you for that. So, I'm going to be honest and say that I now deeply regret that my kids did not grow up with their extended family - it is such a deep and obviously pointless pain. They have all told me individually at different times and ages that they wish they had grown up with their cousins, had a big family around us like other families (which becomes blatantly apparent at christmas and other special occasions) and the boys have said they missed their cousins so much. Only 2 years ago, my daughter who is over 30 said it had been so wonderful to get to know her uncles better when she came over to work in UK. They all still regret it and always will. One son refuses to come back because 'I'll meet all my family and get to know them again and then I will have to leave them again like we did before Mum and I couldn't go through that a second time so I'd rather not know them'. He was 5 when we left and can still recall our leaving and his feelings in some detail. I also wish they had been in the UK education system. As I have already said, I loved my life there and didn't consider anything other than our immediate lifestyle but it appears you are much more mature than I was and are considering what is REALLY important in life rather than the instant gratification that was all I was concerned with at that age. My mum emigrated at age 72 so she could be with me until the end of her life so I was able to be thee for her but it meant leaving all her friends and he sons and grandchildren to be with me and I just do not know how she did it! Actually, she left 3 sons but my eldest brother died suddenly not long after she came to Oz which was devasting. You love your present life just as I did and you may regret leaving and find it hard to settle bak in the UK because you are so happy there. I know I wouldn't have left then. I also learned to accept the fact that there was room in my heart to love both countries and that was okay. We cannot have it all though when we emigrate - we're going to lose out big time with family occasions such as births, deaths and marriages let alone Christmas and having Europe on our doorstep. Your kids won't be able to go to a favourite uncle, aunt or cousin or grandparent with a problem they cannot discuss with you so will turn to friends outside the family for support which is just not the same nor necessarily in their best interests. They will not have the extended family to face if they do something wrong and their friends won't care the same as family would and they won't have their extended family around them congratulating them and urging them forward to achieve their dreams. Not that all families are close or happy but there is usually some good influence for children to grow up within most families! You are obviously someone with deep values and I admire that and so wish you well whatever you decide. I have read a few posts here now and again over the past year, but today i have decided to post something. My mother and brother are coming out to see me very soon, which is great, but i always feel more homesick near the time of visitors. Plus its getting closer to Christmas, which is always hard. So that being the reason to write this. I have no problems with Australia what so ever. Its a great country to live and as a citizen i benefit in many ways. We are completely debt free and live a very simple life. We live in a smallish town on the sunshine coast, in a nice smallish house with chickens and a vegetable garden. We are far from wealthy, but our circumstances mean that i am fortunate to be a stay at home mum for my 2 year old. My husband enjoys his local job and only has a 10 minute commute. I am currently getting back into my art projects which i am selling locally, which is delightful. When my son starts school i will return to work and the possibility of owning a small acreage is becoming realistic. Everything i have ever wished for really. However as a mother i feel that my child is missing out on precious family experiences. I feel sad that his grandparents, uncles and cousins are so far away. My family are in the UK and my husbands are in Canada. My family love him dearly and my dad really benefited from spending time with my son, when they came to visit. I also feel that i am missing out on special time with my family. I miss my old friends too and after 35 years of a very full and lucky existence, i cant help feeling that i am learning a huge life lesson of love for family and friends and what it all really means. I feel like as my parents get older, i should be there to help them out. After all the spent a good 20 years looking after me and my brothers. Plus i want to help them. They are not at that stage yet that i need to worry as they are still active and able, but it will come. I would love to spend more time with my father in his garden and vice versa. Plus my mother and i get on really well and i miss spending time with her. I also know that spending too much time with my family does my head in, but thats normal and just like any other thing, family should be in moderation too. After travelling the world and living in Australia, it is nearly a decade since i lived in the UK. I am out of touch of the reality of living there. I am from London. Now we have a child its harder to get back for visits, and flights have gotten more expensive. We are planning a trip back next year, but if i get pregnant again, then it wont happen and it could be another two years before we get to go overseas. That scares me a bit. I am not saying that i want to go back today...or tomorrow or even next year. I just worry that another 10 years will go by and i will have not spent hardly any time with my family (apart from visits here and there). My son will have missed out on holidays with the cousins and christmas with his family. By that time my child will be settled in school and its harder to pull them away from their life. The sensible side of me has decided to re-evalute the situation in 3 years, before my son starts school and in the mean time, continue to enjoy my life here. The biggest question is, can i have what we have here, in the UK? Obviously i cant take the weather, but that doesn't bother me. But i have difficulty thinking that we could ever afford to buy a property in the countryside, live without hugh debts and not have to deal with traffic and long commutes. You can't have it all and something would have to be sacrificed! Thanks for reading my ramblings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Fizzy and I have very similar experienced from the sound of it. Both of my, now adult, sons have commented on the isolation of our little family and their regrets that we weren't part of the larger "whole". I think they are both rather more socially selfish than I would like but not much I can do about that now. I too am loving England - it's been 2 years for us and I don't miss Australia one iota. I'll move back at some point probably - but you never know where the next curve ball is coming from! Good luck deciding - as long as you decide before your kids hit 14 you should be fine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest 47403 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 I feel like your sons, we grew up without family as my parents were migrants. Actually even at the time, I was sorry that I never had any cousins like many of my friends. And now, yes I am still sorry that I don't know my cousins, aunts or uncles. My parents are now deceased and I have next to no family, it makes me a good migrant. I think people underestimate the importance of family or take it for granted. I think OP, if you have a loving family elsewhere and miss them, well go back and be with them. Wow, what a selfish thing to suggest uprooting her children and husband just for her feelings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Wow, what a selfish thing to suggest uprooting her children and husband just for her feelings! Ah, but it would be a better life for the kids!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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