Need some Advice...Relationships----CONFUSED ! Don't even know if this is the right thread

[Mushahid]

Wrong post

Edited April 23, 2013 by Mushahid

[Tickled Pink]

Now this is purely my take on it, and I am certain that many many people will disagree... BUT....

 

When I decided to get married it made clear in my mind that I had agreed to a new commitment. From that point forward my 'inner circle' and therefore my loyalty first and foremost, lay with my husband. In my mind, we stick together.

 

Of course the parental bond will always be there, and it is important, but, to me, my husbands feelings come first. When I chose to marry him it was choosing to put him before or ahead of other members of my family.

 

However much I wanted to go to Canada, I would stay to continue the joint effort with my husband. Then later on, as you say, we would go to Canada together.

 

I don't think your view is unreasonable, but as I say at the start, many will differ... controversial thread, and I think you'll get some interesting and varying answers.

[Mushahid]

Yeah...I guess she has a 50-50 % split plan to be loyal to both me and her parents...!!!

Does this mean..I love her more than she loves me??? Concerns me...! Coz I would definitely cancel my Canada trip and plan it later ...to visit with her..together...just to make her happy and see her happy!!!

Now she not doing that means... she does not love me more or...does she love her parents more than me!!...

Is there anything to worry about if ..someone loves their parents more than their spouses..!!???

[Guest]

Have you talked to your wife about this? Does she have any clue its upsetting you so much?

[Mushahid]

Have you talked to your wife about this? Does she have any clue its upsetting you so much?

 

Its not upsetting me.....Its kind of...an uneasy (Between Upsetting and Sad) feeling...I mean..I spoke to her about this..And she asked me..Can't she travel alone without me.....

I said..Of course she could travel ....It's her wish....

How can I explain to her that it would be better if she went together with me...rather than with her parents....Then it would upset her...And I know my wife...she would cry ...Which I dont want her doing...Because I absolutely hate to see anyone cry....

[Celt Down Under]

What do you think her response would be if you said that you were dropping everything and would take to time to go with them to Canada. Do you think that she just wants this time alone with them before she leaves, and not knowing when she will see them next? You really need to have a clear the air talk with her to find out what is going on.

[Tickled Pink]

What do you think her response would be if you said that you were dropping everything and would take to time to go with them to Canada. Do you think that she just wants this time alone with them before she leaves, and not knowing when she will see them next? You really need to have a clear the air talk with her to find out what is going on.

 

This is a good point.

[Rupert]

I am confused...I cant understand why she does it to me....Or Am I being weird in thinking like this???

 

Me and my wife have all the things ready to travel to Perth this March , 2013....We have brought our tickets ....

Now the confusing part...is she suddenly deciding to visit Canada ..with her parents....and leaving me all alone to do the packing and stuff...

Its not that I usually complain and stuff...But I dont know what to say..I mean I dont want to be imposing or say anything to upset her...

But personally ..I dont want her to go alone without me ...as I said to her..we will visit Canada together , once we are in Perth ..

What can I say to my wife..whom I love dearly.......I cant command her to not go...I am confused in this relationship...What are the rights of a guy as a husband.....I am the most inexperienced guy in relationships as can be.....

I am jealous that she loves to live with her parents more than living with me...She says she loves me ....

Am I being possesive ...!!!

 

No you are not being possessive. Husbands and wives normally discuss and agree together what their holiday plans are. Neither of us would dream of announcing that we are off on holiday alone or with other people, to me that would be a real test to the relationship. The spousal relationship comes before the parental one.

 

I think it is good advice from Celt Down Under, I would give that a go.

[fifi69]

Agree that it could just be that she needs some time with her parents....but still a bit of a strange time to be taking a holiday when im sure there is so much to do.

 

Of course we all want to say bye to family before we leave, we travelled all over the UK and Ireland saying our goodbyes, but we did it as a family, not a you go to see your mum and i will go and see mine affair.

 

Could she be getting cold feet about the move to Oz? happens to the best of us in the run up to jumping on the plane. Maybe she just needs a bit of space to think thru her thoughts. She might not be wanting to burden you with the what ifs/buts.

 

If this is bothering you then 100% you need to talk it over

[Parley]

The thing is too, if she is very close to her parents, she is likely to get very homesick when you move to Australia.

Many women who are too close to their parents end up not being able to settle in Australia, and go back in a short period of time.

 

So a long heart to heart talk is needed I think.

[SGHJLL]

Give her the space she needs to put things into perspective as she may be getting cold feet about the move. It probably feels a bit unreal to her at the moment and she may feel she needs to escape the pressure of it a bit.

Have a chat with her and tell her how you feel and that you understand how she must be feeling. I would not take it as a problem with the relationship or the commitment she has towards you or the move. Women just tend to over think things and it gets very confusing with all those thoughts and emotions - well I do anyway!!

I'm sure things will work out well as long as the communication between you stays strong and positive and you give each other the space you need.

[aussiegirlbay]

Yeah...I guess she has a 50-50 % split plan to be loyal to both me and her parents...!!!

Does this mean..I love her more than she loves me??? Concerns me...! Coz I would definitely cancel my Canada trip and plan it later ...to visit with her..together...just to make her happy and see her happy!!!

Now she not doing that means... she does not love me more or...does she love her parents more than me!!...

Is there anything to worry about if ..someone loves their parents more than their spouses..!!???

 

Husband wife relationship is based on understanding, respect, trust, strong commitment & team work. You are not wrong in your thoughts, but your wife didn't think in this way, particularly, when you are in process of shifting,packing etc. It's not that she doesn't love you but 'team work' & 'respect' element is missing.

 

You asking 'I love her more than she loves me?' well I guess love is still there but it's about giving importance to someone. I may be wrong but in me opinion when we are in relationship we should be more loyal & committed to our Partners as they are our 'Priority'. I tell you I recently met a couple (married for last 1.5 yrs only) and was amazed to know that husband is so much in love with his mother, sister & niece (6 yrs old)that he keeps telling his wife that he is more loyal & committed to them than to her,infact they argue mostly cause of them (typical scenario)

 

In relation one partner is dominant & other submissive. In this case, you are submissive as you care for her and don't want to upset her.

 

My advice is don't think too much, you are absolutely right, you can talk to her about it when she is back, discuss things openly and explain her how you feel all this time.

 

Best,

 

Aussie Girl Bay

Edited February 8, 2013 by aussiegirlbay

[Mushahid]

Husband wife relationship is based on understanding, respect, trust, strong commitment & team work. You are not wrong in your thoughts, but your wife didn't think in this way, particularly, when you are in process of shifting,packing etc. It's not that she doesn't love you but 'team work' & 'respect' element is missing.

 

You asking 'I love her more than she loves me?' well I guess love is still there but it's about giving importance to someone. I may be wrong but in me opinion when we are in relationship we should be more loyal & committed to our Partners as they are our 'Priority'. I tell you I recently met a couple (married for last 1.5 yrs only) and was amazed to know that husband is so much in love with his mother, sister & niece (6 yrs old)that he keeps telling his wife that he is more loyal & committed to them than to her,infact they argue mostly cause of them (typical scenario)

 

In relation one partner is dominant & other submissive. In this case, you are submissive as you care for her and don't want to upset her.

 

My advice is don't think too much, you are absolutely right, you can talk to her about it when she is back, discuss things openly and explain her how you feel all this time.

 

Best,

 

Aussie Girl Bay

 

 

...I hope she loves and respects me as her husband ....as I love and respect her as my wife....

[Mushahid]

Give her the space she needs to put things into perspective as she may be getting cold feet about the move. It probably feels a bit unreal to her at the moment and she may feel she needs to escape the pressure of it a bit.

Have a chat with her and tell her how you feel and that you understand how she must be feeling. I would not take it as a problem with the relationship or the commitment she has towards you or the move. Women just tend to over think things and it gets very confusing with all those thoughts and emotions - well I do anyway!!

I'm sure things will work out well as long as the communication between you stays strong and positive and you give each other the space you need.

 

We do communicate well and discuss things quite openly..and I am happy that she having a good time with her family..

....just that sometimes I feel..she should just listen to me......

[Mushahid]

What do you think her response would be if you said that you were dropping everything and would take to time to go with them to Canada. Do you think that she just wants this time alone with them before she leaves, and not knowing when she will see them next? You really need to have a clear the air talk with her to find out what is going on.

 

She would probably agree to me joining her on this trip ...

I really want her to have a good time with her family and maybe she does want some time alone with her family....

The only thing which I want is her to have a good time....

[Mushahid]

Agree that it could just be that she needs some time with her parents....but still a bit of a strange time to be taking a holiday when im sure there is so much to do.

 

Of course we all want to say bye to family before we leave, we travelled all over the UK and Ireland saying our goodbyes, but we did it as a family, not a you go to see your mum and i will go and see mine affair.

 

Could she be getting cold feet about the move to Oz? happens to the best of us in the run up to jumping on the plane. Maybe she just needs a bit of space to think thru her thoughts. She might not be wanting to burden you with the what ifs/buts.

 

If this is bothering you then 100% you need to talk it over

 

 

I hope she is happy and satisfied after this trip with her family...And it will make my life more easier ..without her complaining that I didn't let her enjoy enough time with her family.....So..I guess I will let her have her family time ....even though it is bothering me..slightly....

[blossom]

Wow. I would never do this, and never let it happen without it being totally discussed and agreed on before hand.

I would be deeply hurt if I were you. You shouldn't have to invite yourself, she should have invited you!

I would feel very unloved if I were you. But if I were you I would have been discussing my concerns straight away and whenever they came up again. If it bought her to crying, so what? She has caused this situation, why should it be YOU being miserable?

[Celt Down Under]

Mushahid, perhaps a controversial question, but do you come from a cultural background where women are expected to defer to their husbands? If so, is that why you are so upset?

[Guest]

Mushahid, perhaps a controversial question, but do you come from a cultural background where women are expected to defer to their husbands? If so, is that why you are so upset?

 

I was wondering the same!

 

If I decided I wanted to go and visit my parents then I would. My husband wouldn't even dream of stopping me and wouldn't be able to anyway as he isn't in charge of me.

 

I packed up a 4 bedroom house with a baby and a toddler while my husband was out here before me and it was no big deal.

[blossom]

Now maybe I read this differently to you, but he said she was going to Canada WITH her parents, not to visit them. He also said he suggested they go together from Australia.

To me that is her taking a holiday without her husband. This is fine if it is agreed on before hand, but I would never expect my husband to just tell me he was going on holiday without me. To me this would be close to being the relationship over. She is showing no respect or consideration for her husband, who if she loves him, should come first.

[Mushahid]

Mushahid, perhaps a controversial question, but do you come from a cultural background where women are expected to defer to their husbands? If so, is that why you are so upset?

 

Nope ..No cultural thing ...she does what she wishes to do...We dated for years before we got married...We understand each other perfectly..I love her very much and she does too...But.....Sometimes...I get confused...about the way she does certain things and takes decisions like these...

[Guest guest79615]

sounds like you haven't spoken to her enough about this enough, is she stressed out by the move and would rather get away and let you deal with it or is she moving away form her parents and wants to spend time with them before she leaves, your rights as a husband is a strange one, every relationship is different as to what is expected but you should have respect for each other and be open, you shouldn't be jealous off her parents, you need to encourage family ties not break them, she loves you and her parents, that is healthy and normal, you will have a very unhappy wife if you force her to choose, and also a divorce if you were my husband imo

 

I am confused...I cant understand why she does it to me....Or Am I being weird in thinking like this???

 

Me and my wife have all the things ready to travel to Perth this March , 2013....We have brought our tickets ....

Now the confusing part...is she suddenly deciding to visit Canada ..with her parents....and leaving me all alone to do the packing and stuff...

Its not that I usually complain and stuff...But I dont know what to say..I mean I dont want to be imposing or say anything to upset her...

But personally ..I dont want her to go alone without me ...as I said to her..we will visit Canada together , once we are in Perth ..

What can I say to my wife..whom I love dearly.......I cant command her to not go...I am confused in this relationship...What are the rights of a guy as a husband.....I am the most inexperienced guy in relationships as can be.....

I am jealous that she loves to live with her parents more than living with me...She says she loves me ....

Am I being possesive ...!!!

[Mushahid]

Now maybe I read this differently to you, but he said she was going to Canada WITH her parents, not to visit them. He also said he suggested they go together from Australia.

To me that is her taking a holiday without her husband. This is fine if it is agreed on before hand, but I would never expect my husband to just tell me he was going on holiday without me. To me this would be close to being the relationship over. She is showing no respect or consideration for her husband, who if she loves him, should come first.

 

You understand my dilemma perfectly..Blossom 79

...I am thinking the same thing...Why would she want to go on a holiday without me ...! She has shown very less respect and consideration...to be honest..

[Mushahid]

I was wondering the same!

 

If I decided I wanted to go and visit my parents then I would. My husband wouldn't even dream of stopping me and wouldn't be able to anyway as he isn't in charge of me.

 

I packed up a 4 bedroom house with a baby and a toddler while my husband was out here before me and it was no big deal.

 

 

She is going on a holiday with her parents.... .not visiting them.....

I love my wife...thats why I am thinking why would she go on a holiday with her parents and not with me......

[Guest guest79615]

have neither of you discussed the details of the holiday..did she just tell you she was going on holiday and not discuss it with you??

 

You understand my dilemma perfectly..Blossom 79

...I am thinking the same thing...Why would she want to go on a holiday without me ...! She has shown very less respect and consideration...to be honest..