whichway1 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Share Posted May 15, 2012 Cheers again all. We went to the doc together to approach his anxiety depression symptoms and he got some anti deps. He got upset at the doc and as he talked I realised the things that he has kept in and have troubled him all this time. Because we were struggling so much when the little one was born he used to drive home thinking that he would find us both dead in the house:frown: murder suicide kind of thing. Anyway, I explained to him how good it was for us both to be there and get to talk to someone together and how it helped me understand him. He says he is not ready for counselling yet but I suspect he will be if he realises we will split up. SO that session with the dr has bought us more time and me a bit more sympathy. I have a counsellor on Thursday and then we will see how it goes. Thanks all. BTW she was born in Oz and has only been home for 2 months! And when I say home I mean home, this is her home and will be til she decides to bugger off travelling and leave me a distraught mother:wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 It seems he is clinically depressed and needs help desperate , he might be the type of bloke who bottles it up which becomes. Nightmare for the person who s suffering, what was h like it the good times when you et him? need to get him on medication I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 when the little one was born he used to drive home thinking that he would find us both dead in the house:frown: murder suicide kind of thing. Anyway, I explained to him how What a truly awful burden to carry, I am so glad that he was able to tell the Dr. about it, this would have only made his anxiety worse - no wonder he is feeling so depressed - you said in a previous post he only started to support you when you were broken ... well it sounds like he's broken now and will need your support and empathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendy Thorp Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Fantastic, i am so pleased you have both been able to make this first huge step, once the anti depressants kick in which can be at least 6 weeks and more before he will feel a difference, he will be able to look at things much more rationally. I am on anti depressants and have been for some time, i do believe that some of us simply have a shortage of certain chemicals for want of a better word! doh! the difference i feel on them is like a miracle cure for me, sounds abit ott i know but you should have heard me off them!! lol!! my marriage is also sooo much better because i am. Not only this you have taken this first step together. I congratulate you, on your action, and your ability to see beyond how you are feeling to his feelings as well, not an easy task when you are feeling so low yourself with the situation. goodluck with the counsellor, i am sure you will be able to relay bits to him, get him to join in some tasks/solutions she may come up with to help at home. Ans if nothing else having someone you can vent your frustrations to with help you to clear you mind, so you are able to think clearly as to what next steps are best. Just a thought but have you considered getting a book on marriage counselling or other counselling, if he does not feel ready to go to counselling yet (which i fully understand, baby steps, i'm sure he will once the anti d have kicked in abit) but he may feel up to reading and getting into that frame of mind, and applying techniques from the book, you could even do it together? just an idea? goodluck, but sounds like you are on the right path. wendy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Cheers again all. We went to the doc together to approach his anxiety depression symptoms and he got some anti deps. He got upset at the doc and as he talked I realised the things that he has kept in and have troubled him all this time. Because we were struggling so much when the little one was born he used to drive home thinking that he would find us both dead in the house:frown: murder suicide kind of thing. Anyway, I explained to him how good it was for us both to be there and get to talk to someone together and how it helped me understand him. He says he is not ready for counselling yet but I suspect he will be if he realises we will split up. SO that session with the dr has bought us more time and me a bit more sympathy. I have a counsellor on Thursday and then we will see how it goes. Thanks all. BTW she was born in Oz and has only been home for 2 months! And when I say home I mean home, this is her home and will be til she decides to bugger off travelling and leave me a distraught mother:wink: He sounds like he has been traumatised by your PND. It can be an extremely hard thing to even begin to know how to cope with for those around the person suffering it, especially for the person closest to you who often doesn't know what is happening to the person they love. Coping with a new baby, a partner spiralling into PND, so many things can go wrong and some people just don't know what to do, or if there is anything they can do. They can feel as helpless as the person suffering the PND. And that he was that worried, so scared by what might happen to you, what you might do, in your PND state it sounds like its had a big effect on him and caused him to become depressed also. It does happen more often than people might think. I know it might not be easy, you have issues, resentment and more toward your husband, but if you can manage it now, a bit of compassion and understanding and your support will hopefully get him heading in the same direction as you and working together at getting through this and resolving things for you as a family and as a couple. ETA - it isn't a quick fix. It can take a couple of years to get back on track, to feel comfortable and more content, happy, together again. To find some joy in being a couple, bringing up your child together. It might never happen, there might be too much water under the bridge, but if the foundations were strong before having a baby, if there is still something in both of you once the depression is beaten that has you both wanting to give your marriage a fighting chance, then you'll do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whichway1 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 Brilliant posts:notworthy: I totally agree that he has been traumatised by the PND and the crying baby I hope he continues with his help seeking. As for the book counselling I have tried an email course which I basically read it out to him and he didn't even have to open his eyes (and barely opened his ears). He wasn't interested and only did one email. I truly can't remember him ever being the happy type of person that was when I met him any more recently than out first year together and we have been together for 7 years. This is one of the reasons why I don't think we are a good couple and I certainly don't think the partnership benefits him. For six years, it has been like he doesn't like me, my personality, always telling me to be quiet, never going anywhere with me, being outwardly and obviously embarrassed by me. And I am not blaming him or being angry with him for this I just cannot understand why he stayed with me. We were together for almost 5 years before we got pregnant so he had ample opportunity to leave. I honestly think he just "settled" for me, and I will battle this with him for as long as I can and as long as he does but I sometimes wonder to what avail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Now, I promise, I did not come back to the UK with the intention of leaving him, but does anyone know if I did, would his spouse visa become invalid and would he have to go back, and what about our child? I really don't want it to come to that but I would like to know my options. Thanks x x His visa wouldn't become invalid just because you split up but there could be an issue when (and if) it needed to be renewed. I don't know how long you've been together or what type of visa he's got but he's already got Indefinite leave to remain (normally given to a couple who've been together for 2 years or more) then it will never need to be renewed. Note however that it will expire if he goes back to Oz and doesn't return for 2 years. If he was only given a temporary visa that would need to be renewed and so if you split up that could be an issue. It's not impossible for him to get his visa renewed (or even obtain an indefinite leave to remain) even in those circumstances especially since he has a child in the UK but he should probably talk to a UK immigration adviser. Your child has dual citizenship (as the Australian born child of a Brit) so can stay indefinitely (or not) in either country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whichway1 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 His visa wouldn't become invalid just because you split up but there could be an issue when (and if) it needed to be renewed. I don't know how long you've been together or what type of visa he's got but he's already got Indefinite leave to remain (normally given to a couple who've been together for 2 years or more) then it will never need to be renewed. Note however that it will expire if he goes back to Oz and doesn't return for 2 years. If he was only given a temporary visa that would need to be renewed and so if you split up that could be an issue. It's not impossible for him to get his visa renewed (or even obtain an indefinite leave to remain) even in those circumstances especially since he has a child in the UK but he should probably talk to a UK immigration adviser. Your child has dual citizenship (as the Australian born child of a Brit) so can stay indefinitely (or not) in either country. Annoyingly, for some ridiculous reason and totally unfair he does not have ILR even though we have been together for and have evidence of a seven year relationship:mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 I will battle this with him for as long as I can and as long as he does but I sometimes wonder to what avail. Perhaps so that if you eventually do split up it will be as healthier adults which will in turn benefit the up bringing of your child Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 It's one of those things that's all fine in hindsight. You went out with him and were married to him for a fair while and it sounds like he's always been the same. What ever attracted you to him in the first place? Was he OK at one time? Did you think he would change once you were married, had a baby or something. If his Dad was the same is there a mental problem in the family which could be hereditary? and maybe treatable. Certainly sounds like your hubby has some issues which is not going to help your depression one bit. Having a family is not easy on either parent and sometimes guys feel a bit "left out" and no-one seems to give damn what they feel like and how it's affected them. They are just supposed to get on with it (which most do) while everyone asks how the mother and baby are doing and if anything is wrong the bloke usually gets "you should be helping out more" or something. A lot of the time the bloke has just gone along with the wife, not really wanting anything to change from their pre baby days and is in denial that things have changed. Everyone with a family knows each partner has to change and adapt and when one won't or can't then it's bad for everyone. For the sake of everyone involved it might be time to split up and see if you can make the best of it. At least your family are there and may be able to help. It might be a weight of both of your shoulders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yorkiegirl Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 . Now, I promise, I did not come back to the UK with the intention of leaving him, but does anyone know if I did, would his spouse visa become invalid and would he have to go back, and what about our child? I really don't want it to come to that but I would like to know my options. Thanks x x This is from the UKBA website, it may help clarify the situation re his visa http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/visas-immigration/partners-families/relationship-ends/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PomPrincesses Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 The first year with a new baby is hell for most people, the trouble is the celebrities smiling from the cover of Hello make it all look so easy and it's not at all. If you can get through these first 12 months it'll all work out, I bet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whichway1 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Share Posted May 17, 2012 It's one of those things that's all fine in hindsight. You went out with him and were married to him for a fair while and it sounds like he's always been the same. What ever attracted you to him in the first place? Was he OK at one time? Did you think he would change once you were married, had a baby or something. If his Dad was the same is there a mental problem in the family which could be hereditary? and maybe treatable. Certainly sounds like your hubby has some issues which is not going to help your depression one bit. Having a family is not easy on either parent and sometimes guys feel a bit "left out" and no-one seems to give damn what they feel like and how it's affected them. They are just supposed to get on with it (which most do) while everyone asks how the mother and baby are doing and if anything is wrong the bloke usually gets "you should be helping out more" or something. A lot of the time the bloke has just gone along with the wife, not really wanting anything to change from their pre baby days and is in denial that things have changed. Everyone with a family knows each partner has to change and adapt and when one won't or can't then it's bad for everyone. For the sake of everyone involved it might be time to split up and see if you can make the best of it. At least your family are there and may be able to help. It might be a weight of both of your shoulders. Because, for the first year or so he was great an entirely different person. He actually has not changed and nor did I hope he would when we had a baby, got married etc. I suppose I was just waiting all this time for him to go back to the fun, happy, sociable person he was. As I say it, it sounds like I just want him back as the honeymoon period type, but he was a lot better. This is what I kind of think happened. After a year in NZ we moved to the UK for a year. The whole time he wanted to got to Oz so I went there. His family live in Oz and seriously let him (and me) down in terms of their promises of support and family bonds when we moved to Oz. His father is a total control freak and controlled the whole family. So I think, in essence he did not really WANT to go to Oz as much as that is what he had to do to always be doing what his father wanted and to protect his mother. Now, he will tell you that he is glad he is away from him because his father makes him a worse person because he puts HIS (fathers) needs and feelings before everyone elses', even his own wife and daughters. It is a sad thing that has happened. He is like his dad in terms of, his dad is such a control freak and the family blames it on anxiety (when it is anxiety mixed with alcoholism) and my MR is just as anxious and likes to be in control, but he is not such a dick about it. I know I sound harsh but if you met his father you would understand. I think you are right when you think about it in terms of what men are told when there is a new baby. I mean he was definitely not coping and I needed him to cope a little better and when he ignored the infant and did things I found incredibly selfish I just went mad! I suppose I should have been more sympathetic and at times I was but probably not as often as I should have been. He keeps on saying he wants to stay together, so we will try for a wee while longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whichway1 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Share Posted May 17, 2012 The first year with a new baby is hell for most people, the trouble is the celebrities smiling from the cover of Hello make it all look so easy and it's not at all. If you can get through these first 12 months it'll all work out, I bet. I agree with your thoughts too. My head is totally done in, not just with celebrities but with other mothers making out everything is a breeze. Our baby (who I guess is not really a baby anymore:sad:) is 18 months, and that's why we came back home, cos we were teetering on the edge of sanity! Poor little thing has no idea of her massive impact:wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I agree with your thoughts too. My head is totally done in, not just with celebrities but with other mothers making out everything is a breeze. Our baby (who I guess is not really a baby anymore:sad:) is 18 months, and that's why we came back home, cos we were teetering on the edge of sanity! Poor little thing has no idea of her massive impact:wubclub: I'm a mother who freely admits to suffering severe PND (for very many reasons I won't go into here) and it took about 2 years from the birth of my son for me to finally reach a point I was able to live 'normally' again. And even then, it was about another year on top of that before I actually reached the point where I was able to cope with the trauma of the PND and the upset and problems it caused in my life and that of my families and be able to look back on it without the risk of great upset. I realise I have an incredibly strong relationship with my husband and thankfully he was so supportive, so helpful and did all he could to help me, even though it wasn't easy for him. And of course, having a new baby to learnt to cope with, the lack of sleep and all the other things that come with a newborn, it wasn't a picnic that's for sure. We had no family or close friends around us then, still don't, but we managed to get ourselves though it all. But it took about 3 years from the birth of our son before we were able to find the smiles, laughter and more relaxed easy times that we had shared before our son was born. That was more me than my husband. I had to find my mojo, my spark for living, so to speak. Learn to relax a bit and enjoy life around me. And I did. Feel free to drop me a PM if you think my experiences might be of interest or helpful to hear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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