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Quoll

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Everything posted by Quoll

  1. Quoll
    If in doubt, cover your back! If you have any doubts at all then get this tied up with a concrete agreement, although how an Aus court would view it is another matter altogether, I dont know whether anyone has ever had the foresight to get an agreement in writing which has then been presented to an Aus court in case of a dispute of custody. Coming back with your daughter at 16 if it all goes pear shaped is going to be a very difficult proposition for her given the GCSE roundabout and all its timings. Good luck with it!
  2. Quoll
    That's very sad, I would hope that someone tells your wife so she is forewarned. It doesnt mean that she wouldnt go but maybe you should man up and come to an agreement about what will happen just in case it all goes pear shaped (chances are that it wont, of course!). I know if I were in this situation and my DH had this sort of information and deliberately didnt tell me I would be mightily ticked off!!!
  3. Quoll
    The chances of her being able to leave that soon are, quite honestly, very slim. If she isnt able to leave then it might be a good idea for her to be supported here by someone strong - does she have a brother/father/big strong chap who could come over and give her a hand because if her ex is a bully then he will continue to bully his way through the courts no doubt. Sadly, as you will see by reading through this thread - the Aus courts are even less likely to let a child leave if one parent says no - and he could be the biggest drop kick in the universe and the courts will come down on his side. Your friend is going to need a real Rotweiller of a solicitor and she may have to pay through the nose for it so her friends might have to do some fund raising. She might also try the domestic violence crisis services for support and if they dont do it directly they may well be able to give her a few clues on who to go to.
  4. Quoll
    LOL just playing devils advocate - doesnt matter what age he is, so many parents move their kids here at all ages - you see the ones who drag their 16 year olds kicking and screaming away from all they know and love. Age is, in essence, irrelevant in this case - people do it all the time in reverse and no one bats an eyelid just pats them on the back and tells them to go for it, they are doing it for the better life blah blah blah. There is nothing inherently better about Australia, it is just a parent's itch for adventure that brings them here, usually. Often an opportunity not to be missed but rarely is it about the kids although that is the usual catch cry. At 3 your lad probably has a strong connection to grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, whatever - do you think it is a good move to take him away from them? Attachment is very strong to little kids some times and it can take them a long while to get over that loss. Once they do get over it they can have a real sense of isolation because they dont have grandma to come and see them at school on grandparents day, watch them swim in carnivals, dance in shows, see them win certificates at school, cry with them when their pets die etc It is an isolating life no matter how many acquaintances you have - at least for a generation then they begin to make their own families, the oldies die off and they become the elders with their own kids and you become the grandparents. Would you really condemn someone you love to living in a place which makes them chronically miserable and depressed and deny them the support of extended family if they decide they need it? I sincerely hope not. You are right, I am here against my will, I hate it with a passion because I am trapped but I am a strong woman and have made the least worst choice and got on with it with some semblance of compromise which sees me go home once or twice a year to retain my sanity. Doesnt mean I have to like it and it certainly doesnt mean I stay silent when I see other women being trapped in an even meaner situation ie having their kids used as pawns against them in a nasty little game of power to get their own way (I say women, as it usually is the women although there are occasional chaps who are trapped because of their wife's intransigence - apologies to those blokes who are also doing it tough). So, in a nutshell, saying you wouldnt go back because your 5 year old (for arguments sake) loved his life here just wont fly - most 5 year olds couldnt give a toss if they were in Towcester or Tuggeranong just as long as mum and dad were happy and the people that love them are in their lives.
  5. Quoll
    It always seems to be "fair" on the kids to take them away from their UK lives (home, family, friends, school, activities) just because it doesnt suit the parents itch for adventure so I guess the same could be said for taking them from Aus because one parent's mental health may be suffering. It isnt like he would be going to a godforsaken place where nobody played sport (Soccer appears to be much more of a thing in UK than it does here for example) and he could never go out of doors (like Northern Canada in the winter). It's just ludicrous to suggest that you cant have a sporting outdoor life in UK - many kids do, as do many adults. Until you have experienced it, extreme heat is just as big a deterrent to putting your nose outside as is a bit of rain.
  6. Quoll
    Yup, some of them do, there is no doubt about that but I would think there are more women trapped by this than men. I am surprised that a woman would be allowed out of the jurisdiction if the father objected - I know of a woman who cant even move out of a particular suburb! (That's probably a very unusual situation but hard fought on both sides!)
  7. Quoll
    Yup, tough cookies. Looks like there might need to be some compromise here.
  8. Quoll
    Hate to say it but that sounds pretty much standard. I admire you for being the bigger person in all this. I have a friend who is being similarly skewered by a particularly vindictive ex and she is positively angelic - I would be out with the sharp carving knife for a touch of Bobbiting I am afraid. I did find a neat little voodoo doll complete with pins and spells in Dymocks, just designed to release your inner demon with respect to the ex and I gave her that for Christmas. How she manages to be so "good" is utterly beyond me but she had a really good laugh at the voodoo doll! Maybe you could ask Santa for one!
  9. Quoll
    That would largely be my experience as well. I would also venture to say that some kids never quite manage it and adjust. I guess I admit to some jaundice in this regard having seen some abominations of shared care - if only the kids could sue the judiciary down the track!!!
  10. Quoll
    Sadly, it has turned out to be one of those progressive laws which have really unpalatable unintended consequences for some. When you see custodial parents who are effectively trapped and isolated because some drop kick of a partner has said they want access to their kid (and whilst it usually is the woman who is unable to access her natural support network that isnt always the case) then you do wonder whether that is really in the best interest of any child. (Have worked with kids where one parent had been found to be abusive and yet refused to allow the other parent to move out of the jurisdiction with the child to just another state where there was more extended family support) In theory the 50/50 is lovely but in practice it rarely occurs and in some cases where parents have been really amicable about their split and have taken the 50/50 literally you have kids who dont know whether they are Arthur or Martha (I worked with a kid once who did day and day about - talk about living in chaos poor little thing). At least there seems to be the capacity for families in UK to make a case to court that a child's needs would be better met elsewhere and the court will decide on the compromise situation - that seems a better option to me.
  11. Quoll
    You are certainly one of the lucky ones 2tigers - I havent heard of anyone else actually getting permission to leave when it has been contested. You must have had an extraordinarily enlightened judge!!!
  12. Quoll
    :hug::hug: sadly, you arent the first to have discovered this. I hope you can sort something out
  13. Quoll
    Yup, those bl**dy Aussie men can be the death of you!:hug:
  14. Quoll
    I can see that happening if one parent is temporary but if they are both temporary then one could surely make a case for habitual residence being elsewhere. Sure, if one parent is permanent/citizen then obviously they could make a case for this being their habitual residence. With all the insecurities of a temporary visa then I would have thought the Australian courts wouldnt have bothered. Right little minefield though, isnt it?! Let us hope that this thread serves to educate some folk and to try and prepare for the worst whilst hoping for the best!
  15. Quoll
    Even if they are temporary residents?
  16. Quoll
    If you and your ex are normally resident in Australia (as you would be if you both got PR) and he said that you couldnt remove your child from Australia then that would be it, you wouldnt be allowed to go. If he doesnt live in Australia then he wouldnt be in a position to demand that you stay here.
  17. Quoll
    Absolutely spot on Siblin!!! That is EXACTLY what it feels like. There are CBT tricks to help you through each and every day and there are mindfulness exercises which can help but with situational depression NOTHING is going to solve the problem except taking yourself out of the situation!
  18. Quoll
    Did the GP offer you sessions with a CBT psych? if s/he did not then go back and ask for them. There are ways to keep the thoughts under control either with CBT or ACT. Wont change the situation but may make it a bit more comfortable to live with and hopefully give you a bit more control in your life :hug:
  19. Quoll
    You really need to sit down and agree to make decisions before your children are of GCSE age - until then you do have the sort of luxury of choice but once your child misses the GCSE boat it will be nigh on impossible for you to move - probably ever - because once one has started year 11 then you are here until they have finished year 12 and possibly then uni and then you will have them with relationships and you will have grandchildren before you know it and there will never be a right time then unless you fancy leaving children and grandkids in Australia. It will truly be a life sentence It is very easy for people who havent had to do it to say that they will immolate themselves on the sacrificial fire if their nearest and dearest "absolutely love" Australia but doing it is another matter entirely. Even the most self sufficient and competent of us struggle with the day to day imprisonment and whilst jobs and volunteering can go some way to alleviating the pain, if you are clinically depressed because of the place you live in (and that is perfectly possible) then facing every day can be an Everest and the harder you have to work at it the harder it becomes or you can be pharmaceutically enhanced out of your brain so that you dont feel the pain (or anything else probably). CBT can certainly help but that is hard work too when you have to use all the tricks in the book just to get out of bed in the morning. (Sorry, hyperbole there but people who havent done it have no concept of just how hard it is to do!) I would also suggest, if the issue continues to cause difficulties between you and your OH that you seek out marriage guidance counselling (Relationships Australia are very reasonable) and it will give you chance to both say your bit with an impartial third party mediator and maybe you can agree a compromise in that way rather than it appearing to be you the constant whinger putting a spanner in "their" works - it says to the OH that you are serious about working on your marriage but that you need help/compromise to do it. Look after yourself, you are your kids' most valuable asset and all the 4bed homes with swimming pools are not going to compensate them for an unhappy mum.:hug:
  20. Quoll
    Aw hang in there it is a horrible feeling. Chances are you will become desensitized over time but there are things you can do to dull the pain a bit - take yourself off to your gp for starters as you could be experiencing situational depression. You can get some cbt counselling. Bottom line though, put a time frame on your decision making and hopefully get your oh to agree to return with you if in, say, 2 years. Getting a job or doing volunteer work can help keep you going. Good luck!
  21. Quoll
    I am not sure what I can say to allay your fears - I would be worried too. It is a real problem for many (especially) women who find that they are trapped because they cannot return to their family support network with their kids because of a marriage breakup. I dont know if getting a signed contract about what he agrees to do a) in the case of you not settling here and b) in the case of your relationship failing, in some way would stand up in a court of law - you might want to get some legal advice on that but that would be the only thing I could think of to protect yourself, other than not going in the first place. You have sort of missed the boat as probably the better thing to have done would have been to have tried Aus before having a child but, hey, hindsight is perfect vision. Good luck with your new bub and whatever other decision you choose to make
  22. Quoll
    Oh dear, that is horrible for you. I do hope you can get something sorted out asap - I hope you have a good lawyer/agent on your side. I cannot fathom how a legal system can do that to a parent! Nor how an ex partner could be so vitriolic and manipulative!
  23. Quoll
    This is a very good post and I hope people pay attention! I do so hope that you didnt learn all this the hard way but I do know that there are people stuck here because their marriages have fallen apart but the other partner refuses to let the children leave. That is not a situation I would wish on anyone but it is happening.
  24. Quoll

     

    <p>Hi Debbie</p>

    <p> </p>

    <p>I'm in Cambridge - still bemoaning the loss of my backpack though. Wonder how early the shops open and I will go and buy something so I can shower and be clean. Did wake up a bit earlier than I hoped this morning so nothing better than a quick surf of my usual haunts:)</p>

    <p> </p>

    <p>Angela</p>

     

  25. Quoll

     

    <p>Hi Debbie</p>

    <p> </p>

    <p>Yup, arrived at lunch time today and had to sort out the aged rellies computer - now I know why they hadnt replied to any of my emails for 2 weeks - Service pack 3 meets Zone Alarm and all dies!!! So, squatting on their machine and barely keeping my eyes open. I love it! I have been smiling ever since I got here, even when I realized they had lost my bag!!! Still waiting for it to be couriered to me (and growing smellier by the minute!) Everything is so deliciously green and the choice in the supermarkets - colour me gobsmacked!!!</p>

    <p>Angela</p>

     

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