ewok4314 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Hi All, I'm from England and my Australian partner of 9 years and I have been living in Australia for just over 2 years, we have a 2 year old son and before he was born I always agreed that Australia was a fantastic place to raise children and I would be happy to move here. Our son was born in England and we moved here when he was 4 months old. When it came to the actual move I really didn't want to go but the plans were already in motion and I went along with it. I've struggled with homesickness the whole time I have been here and whilst I have made some good friends I completely underestimated how much I would miss my family and friends and everything else back home. The whole situation is made worse by the fact my partner works very long days and whilst we normally see him for about 1/2 hour to an hour in the morning he doesn't get home till gone midnight and we are in bed by then. We also have very little money and only have one car which my partner uses for work so my son and I have to make do getting around on public transport (we live in a semi-rural town and this is not very frequent or very quick to get around). My partner's family live 2 minutes from our house which is why we live where we do but we rarely see them (they have two younger children who still live at home and are therefore too busy still being parents). My family back home are very close and very supportive, it kills me that they are missing out on seeing their precious grandson grow up and I miss being able to spend time with them and my brother. Whilst skype is great is doesn't take away the constant nagging feeling I'm having that I'm living in the wrong country and wasting my life being so unhappy. I have been thinking a lot recently about moving back home and have decided that I will stay in Oz for another 2 years until I can get my Australian citizenship and then move home. My big dilemna is my partner, he LOVES Australia and wants our son to be brought up here, whilst I know he likes the UK I'm not sure if he would want to move back there. I don't want to separate our family and I don't want to bring my son up without his Dad, I am also aware that if things got nasty he could prevent me from leaving with my son but I just don't know how to convince him to go. Any ideas/help! Thanks :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 So your partner goes to work at a normal time and comes back at midnight most days? What on earth does he do that requires him to be out of the house for so long a day, it certainly does not seem to be reaping many benefits if you are stuck at home in a semi rural location because you cannot afford a second car. I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him, starting with his working hours. I think that is not sustainable. If you spent more time together as a family you might start to settle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinziM Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Umm, would your partner notice if you went back to the UK? I just wonder why he got married if he is never home................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I am so sorry to hear of your dilemma. I think you really need to sit and chat with him, or even arrange marriage counselling. Explain how you feel, how alone you are. If I was in your situation I would also be home sick. It is no fun for you or your son. There are lots of members on here who will be more than happy to offer you a shoulder to lean on and try and help, but unfortunately the only way it's going to get better if you sit down and talk. If you struggle chatting with him why not write everything down in a letter, sometimes this is easier. Hugs Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewok4314 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Haha, you're right he probably wouldn't notice if we weren't here except maybe on his days off! He is a restaurant manager so generally leaves around 10am for the lunch shift (he sleeps in longer than we do as he gets home so late) and although he has a short break later in the day it's not long enough to come home for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Haha, you're right he probably wouldn't notice if we weren't here except maybe on his days off! He is a restaurant manager so generally leaves around 10am for the lunch shift (he sleeps in longer than we do as he gets home so late) and although he has a short break later in the day it's not long enough to come home for. I agree with Moving2Melbourne says.... and I enclose a link for you Welcome to Relationships Australia — Relationships Australia - National site Hospitality is renowned for bad hours, poor salaries etc and I am sure he is doing his best also for his family. It would be good to have some independent councilling and I wish you every success. You both have your justifiable stories and both need to be heard. Susie xx:hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chris955 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 This line immediately rang alarm bells with me ' and I went along with it.' That really wasn't a great start to a long term relationship. The problem is you each want to live in your own country which is totally understandable and in many ways it is asking for trouble to expect either to live in a country they don't want to be in as you just end up resenting each other. I really cant give you advice as far as convincing him to go back to the UK I'm afraid and to be honest I don't think anyone can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Relationships Australia counselling - and sooner rather than later so you can come to some sort of agreement/compromise about where you intend to go with your lives. Follow that up with a trip to your GP because you may well be also experiencing situational depression and there are some things that can help you with that - it doesnt have to be medication, there are other tips and tricks to help you get through each day. To be honest, it looks pretty much like you are stuck, to me. If he wont go then he has the power to trap you here by simply refusing to let his child/ren leave and so you get to be the sacrificial lamb. It wont be easy but of course it is do-able once you readjust to the fact that you are taking the least worst option. It wont be perfect but you will get used to it if he does indeed refuse to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherbetdip23 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Oh no, poor you! It sounds dreadful to feel like that. (My biggest fear when we move out there is that hubby and our girls will love it and I won't - although I do still want to go!!) Have you been back home to visit? I have heard that sometimes helps. Also, if you really haven't settled and don't like it after 2 years - wis it worth staying any longer just to get your citizenship? If you don't like it now will you want to move out there in later years? Just a thought. Are there any local groups you can join with your little boy? It can be lonely and isolating sometimes with just children for company. As the other have suggested counselling may be a good idea. Take care - I hope you resolve your situation and feel happier very soon. Carla x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conniebygaslight Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 You poor thing...how dreadful for you. I think it is entirely unreasonable of him to expect you to continue living this life. You really need to spell it out to him though as he may not be able to see the wood for the trees. I certainly wouldn't put myself through it for a further 2 years citizenship or not (that is assumin you have a choice here- if he wants to say put you may not) If your life is worse in Oz than the UK you really need to speak with him as soon as possible to find out what his thoughts are. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Good luck to you....I really hope you manage to sort it out x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest cricketbackinengland Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 You're husband is probably so knackered he doesn't even know how you're feeling :-) Working in hospitality robs you of any family life because the hours are so unsociable. Have you talked to your husband and told him how you feel? You are obviously thinking of staying another 2 years so you sound like you want to try and make it work. In all fairness, you have to consider staying because of the legal issues surrounding your child. If you could face staying and learning to have a long distance relationship with your family, my advice would be to start building a life around your husband's work. Could you move to where there are more people, start an internet business, get a part time job, do volunteer work, etc? If you could become independent of your husband, you wouldn't need to rely on him being there. It sounds like he is working all hours to provide an income so he's doing the right thing. You do both need to touch base, nut things out and see what can be changed to start making you feel happier especially if you are preparing to stay there another 2 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2tigers Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Oh dear, my heart goes to you. Have you been to the local Maternal Health Nurse? If I was you I would make an appointment there and ask them about local Mothers groups, ask to be introduced to one so you can meet people. My mothers group was my lifeline, its a wonderful setup where local mothers with babies all meet once a week, we also used to go for meals out. Even once (I was a single mum) there was a mothers dinner, I had no-one to take care of my baby so I took him in his pram and we took turns in cuddling and pushing around in his pram till he fell asleep then we all had fun in the restaurant. Isolation is not good for your health and will add to your need in wanting to go home. I hope your relationship is strong and you get through this whichever country you end up in x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2tigers Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Another one is to go to your local library and find out what times 'Storytime' is, this is where parents and kiddies not in school go to the library to listen to a story and do some art and craft, you would meet others there too..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Your Husbands a restaurant manager...Do you think he's working long hard hours to build up a new life later on? I'm only asking as I've been working a University residency for the past three years (just about done) and I can relate to his hours, and yes it's to have a better life later, but before I started we spoke about it's demands on 'both' of us and our relationship..To go through something like that you need to be united..Maybe he's just taken it upon himself to work hard to better your lives..If so you need to talk to him and reassure him that you'd rather struggle a bit longer, but have him home earlier...Restaurants are also very competitive places, so is he under pressure to perform at work..? Is he finding it hard to cope with the work? Maybe you need to talk to him about a job change that will bring you more time as a family.......I think you need to talk to him first about what he's feeling, and his pressures before you seek mediation, Your a family, if you can't talk to each other..then maybe that's what is making you feel your not. I really hope you get through this, as this is not just about Australia, It's about what is going on in your private lives...good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewok4314 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Thanks everyone for your responses, it has been very therapeutic getting all these problems off my chest and getting a variety of advice (rather than the very one-sided but well-intentioned opinions of my friends!). I have now realised where my main issue lies (my relationship!!) but have also come to appreciate that whilst I can live here in the short-term, my long-term future is not in Australia, this is not my home and never will be. It's a shame I'm not one of the 'poms in oz' that feels 100% settled here and as much as I do believe it to be a great country, the UK is also a great country and the place that I want to live in. I'm still committed to living here for another couple of years to make sure I get my citizenship and keep my future options open and also to make sure I am doing the right thing and not make any crazy rushed decisions and who knows what could happen in that time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ltripp Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Hi i can feel your dilema, i moved here with my new husband and my 2 kids all of us from the uk 8months ago, we were to review our situation here after 6months and i am totally islolated and miserable and he refuses to move back home because He likes it here! I came here on a student visa and its totally wiped out our finances with the kids school fees etc. I am also 4months pregnant! we have constanlty argued since we arrived and feel totally drained i gave up everything and bent over backwards to get us here and spent thousands! for his sake. I have friends at home who will be there for me and its going to be total nightmare starting again, but i refuse to spend any more of my short life being this miserable for someone who doesnt appreciate it! Its the second hardest thing ive done in my life, i didnt think my marriage of 10months would end like this and that id be the one paying for it! I guess what am trying to say is you need to do what is good for your heart and soul as if you do stay he will probably keep you here and you would be even more stuck and unhappy, if you go now you can build up your relationships back at home and your son is still young enough to fit in. And if your hubby doesnt follow you then maybe things turn out like that for a reason. At least if you make plans now you still have options where as if you wait those options could be taken away from you! Good luck xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 There is no easy solution to this problem for anyone espeially with children in the equation. The best start is to "try" and talk it through. Look at the pro`s and con`s of where you are living and see if there are things that you could change so that you feel a little more settled. Other posters have suggested mothers groups, could be worth a try. I do hope that both the posters here can work things out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinziM Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Maybe your husband could get you some work with him and your in laws, friends or even day care could look after your son for a couple of shifts a week. Better to see each other at work than not at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metoo Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I admire your husband for working long hours to support his family, however, this particular job is putting too much strain on his family relationships. At the end of the day, no job is worth losing your family over. Talk to him and encourage him to look for another job with more sociable hours. Restaurant managers have a wide range of skills which are easily transferable to other occupations. He may love his job but I bet he loves his wife and child more. Best of luck Metoo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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