Guest Blackdownsgirl Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Hi Everyone, I have just found this great forum and have been reading many of the threads with much interest and quite a few tears. I moved to Australia in 2008 with my Australian husband and two very young children, to cut a very long story short, we struggled to settle down and have moved around a lot and I had my own feelings of frustration and homesickness, but after a bout of depression following the birth of our third child in April 2010, I decided that for my own sanity I needed to return to the UK to get support from family and friends. I do not want to get into an argument about whether or not we should stay, or the pros and cons of each country, for the record I can see lots of good reasons why some people would like to live in Australia, but what I really need is some help in persuading my husband to come and live in the UK, and to hear from other people who have been in a similar situation, who I should imagine there are a few? I am now in the UK after coming back at Christmas to see if I liked it still etc, and I do and am sure now that I want us to be here as a family. My husband is back in Oz as he didn't want to leave his job (he is hoping I get a UK fix and then will return). He is planning to come and collect us in May, I have told him I don't want to go back, and as you can imagine we are having a stand off. We don't have a house over there as we have only rented and gave the last rental up in Dec, we have a house here in Bristol, which I want to sell and buy one closer to my family and finally settle down before my eldest starts school in September. This whole predicament is driving me mad, any one got any bright ideas????:idea: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Very difficult for you but only you can work out the answer. I do know that my Mum and Dad were the same and my mum went back to UK for an extended period a couple of times but Dad did not budge and she came back to NZ the first time and Aus the second time. We are all English so no Aus involved just Dad not wanting to go and live back in the UK. As he was the main breadwinner guess he was in the box seat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 No bright ideas just an encouragement to stick to your guns. I dont know where you stand with respect to the resident status of your kids but there is a potential that if you refused to move and your husband refused to move with you that he could go to the Aus court and say that he wants his kids back. May I suggest that the first thing you do is to talk to a lawyer to get that sorted asap!!! Then when you can get your husband to visit you, that you look at relationship counselling - or even head off to that right now on your own, you can do that as one member of a relationship. I truly believe that you just know where you belong and you have tried Australia and dont feel that you belong there. Chances are that you wont feel that you belong there 30 years hence and you will always have the resentment simmering that he forced you to be there if that is the way it goes - not great for a marriage! Whichever way it goes one of you is going to have to curb the resentment hence the need for counselling IMHO I wish you all the best of luck and do get the legalities sorted asap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bobby Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 It is very common for whatever Country you are in you want to be in the other, in Oz you want to be back in the UK, then when back in the UK you want to be back in Oz, it is common as I say and I just hope you find what you are looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2tigers Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I agree with Quoll, it could damage your relationship so one of you will need to give. I was in Australia with two children, depressed and lonely. I ended up divorced and going through a huge expensive court case to be able to come back home. Not many people are allowed to relocate back from Australia with children whilst leaving the other parent behind. My circumstances allowed it, so I was one of the fortunate few. If I was you I would seek help with your depression now whilst your home, medication and therapy. Depression is an illness that just doesn't 'go away'. Please read my thread, its a sticky on 'Chat' called 'Children - what happens if one of you wants to go home' Good luck and I do hope your husband is understanding in what a bleak future you may have if he forces you to return under duress. It would be so much better if you returned to AU happily or he relocated with you to the UK. Either way, counselling would be a great start. My thoughts are with you on this one x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest cricketbackinengland Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 If I can add to the excellent advice already given, you do need to think about the long term future of your children especially if one child was born in Australia. I married an Australian here in England never thinking he'd want to leave. But eventually he did. Under much protest we all went to Oz as a family and it tore us all apart. My daughter returned to the UK, my son stayed in Australia and my now ex husband had his own highly devious agenda long before we got there apparently. A year after moving there, he left only coming back to sue me for 70% of the joint assets. I'm currently writing a book on the whole miserable experience. Just one of the issues of trying to get through the legal case was the family law clauses on who's contributed the most financially during the marriage. It all comes down to contributions versus future need. The lawyers drag things out and before you know it, you've got nothing left worth fighting over in the end because it's gone on legal costs. I would recommend that you try and avoid going through the legal route. Unfortunately, unless your husband agrees for you to remain in England with the children, you don't have a lot of options. It's worth trying to consider going back to Oz for the sake of your family. Returning home at Christmas to a loving family isn't probably a true test for you as Christmas is always a sentimental time anyway where the magic has to come to an end. It's a holiday season. A good way to test your resolve would be to spend a bit longer living here in your normal reality zone. I would wait till May then if your husband is adamant about going back to Australia, you will both have to work out some kind of compromise. Realistically you probably won't sell your house in England yet, you have only recently had your third child, it takes a long time for hormones to settle back down and you're family is apart. You're bound to feel upset and disorientated. Two years in Australia isn't long to acclimatise. It takes a long time to grow into a new life. But I totally understand your angst and I can well imagine your distress but I'd try and look at every possible option if you can because if you separate, the children's issues may become very difficult and once lawyers get involved, there's no way of knowing what could happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 how about staying here a little longer til say april, spend some time back in oz before coming back n may or making a definate plan to get back. reason being get the honeymoon period over from being in the uk and then see what oz is like after you return, i too understand the advantages of oz and the uk of which there are many, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I echo the other posters and advise you to sort things out legally regarding the children x GOod Luck, its not an easy process and can be costly x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blackdownsgirl Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Thanks everyone for reading my post and all your replies. I am so saddened to hear that this sort of situation often ends in a messy legal battle and divorce. It came to a bit of a shock to be honest as I think i was very naive to the fact that we could also end up in that situation I guess. I am certainly pleased that I am in the UK already, firstly to get used to the day to day life again so I can make a better decision about whether to stay, and secondly as I am out of Oz already if it all got legal. But I really hope it doesn't. We did see a counsellor whilst in Australia and she really helped, and I have been trying to speak to her again to help us again now. I have no wish to split with my partner, and I cannot imagine he would really choose a country over his three children. All that aside, I love being back in the UK, I love walking to preschool, going to the park, chatting to people around the village, the cost of living, free NHS and education, and too many other things to list. I just have such a huge sense of belonging and peace all the time, if my partner was here life would just be perfect! I will let you know how things go! Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Did your partner give you permission to take your kids back to UK? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blackdownsgirl Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Yes of course, we agreed that I would come over for an extended stay with the possibility of not coming back, he brought us over at Christmas and paid for our one way flights. He sends us money every week, and talks to the children and me on skype most days. It is not as hostile a situation as some others on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2tigers Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I am so pleased to read your situation isn't hostile, sounds to me like you have a good man there. Where my ex was a control freak and said our children were not allowed to go to the UK till they were 18. He got a little shock when a few years later we live here permanently. When my court case began we were in the UK, I had 'escaped' on a plane as he was literally throwing us out of the home. He brought the Hague Convention in and I had to go to High Court in London, the Judge had no option than to send us back for the AU courts to sort out, it was a mess. I don't write this to scare you, just so you are aware - just because you are here now, does not mean that if it went all **** up and legal, that you would be able to sort legalities from the UK, you would more than likely be sent back for the AU system to sort out, the children are still residents of AU and will be unless they stay in the UK for 12 months or more, or by consent from the father. In other words, if you string out your stay in the UK for over 12 months, the children would be UK residents regardless. Does that make sense? I do hope you never have to go down that route, I am here if you need any advice though if you do. All the very best of luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmouse Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Hello fellow Bristol girl! I read your post and totally sympathise with you and also know right where you're coming from - the only real difference being that my finacee and I don't yet have children. We are living in Perth, having moved here from lovely Bristol last October. I am English and he is from Perth. We met in Bristol while he was on his travels and both lived very happily there for 18 months. I figured out I'd have to spend an amount of time out here at some point, so we decided to make the move. His parents live here and his brother is over in NSW. It took me a few months to settle - but now I feel happy for the time being and am just trying to live every day as it comes, rather than worrying about what big and hard decisions we're going to have to make one day. I think that's the only way you can do it until those times come and you need to make a choice. I suppose you're there now with the age of your children and schooling. Where did you meet your husband? What are the reasons for you wanting to return to the UK and what are his reasons for staying here? I would have thought a compromise would be to all go back to the UK and live there for a couple of years, so that he is trying to give it a go for you, as you have given it a go here for him. Perhaps putting that angel on it may not make it such an upheaval for your husband. It's hard not to bring family into reasons for going back. I want to have our first child in the UK, so that I can be around my mum and my sister. My sister has two children and although I get on very well with my in-laws-to-be, it wouldn't be the same! I think my partner finds that quote hard to understand, as he would like to give his parents the opportunity to be grandparents here. We're getting married next year in the UK - near Bristol in fact - hooray! I love the South West for the wildness and richness of the countryside - the ease of getting to and from places - having to drive for miles here! Yes - the NHS system is free and the educational system is better. I think the key thing is to decide whether it is your husband and the family you have created with him that is most important to you, or whether it is your home strings that are too strong not to pull you there. The only real argument my fiancee and I have is where we're going to live and settle one day. Deep down, I know I want to go home to England, and I know that he would like to stay in Perth. So how we're ever going to make the decision I have no idea! But we love each other with all our hearts, and I know that if I was truly unhappy here, he's come back and live in the UK, at a cost of him sacrificing his home and his parents and a bit of happiness properly. Would I do the same? It's hard to say this, but I would. Because I met him and knew I would be with him forever, and so wherever he is, I will be and vice verser. The UK is your home and it is only natural to feel at peace there. I think the only way to approach this is to reach a compromise, whatever that is. Whether you say you will stay in Oz for longer, in order for your husband to live in the UK. It is so hard, and I feel for you. It's rubbish these decisions have to be so complicated! Why can't we just shift Australia to be next to England, rather than so far away! Where do you live in Australia? Have you ever lived in Perth? It's not so bad you know... It will work itself out one way or another... Every great relationship should be pretty much equal - so if you are doing all the compromising, then something has to change. Keep up with the counseling if you still can't make an amicable decision. The thing to do is to look past your countries' and instead look at each other, as that is what is most important in life - love is what makes the world go round. If you need to talk further feel free to drop me a line. All the best and stay positive. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I'm in a similar position, except I'm the Australian male! There only real issue we had when we came back to the UK was employment. I was out of work for about six months, and that puts an awful strain on you. Employment is bad in the UK, and about to get worse. The weather and darkness in winter still gets me down, but I love the long summer days. There are many good and bad things in both countries. I hate the blistering heat - it gives me migraines. I hate being stuck inside all the time in the UK. But after a few years back in the UK, you may find you want to venture south again. Sometimes people never settle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ltripp Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 OMG, i was so happy to read your story i thought i was the only one who was ungrateful and wanted to leave oz, i too want to return to the uk i cannot settle here i came over with my husband and 2 children from a different relationship. I have famliy here but didnt really grow up with them and they are all men and havent been able to bond. I came on a student visa that has broke us and we have done nothing but argue since we arrived. I have no support here and am 4months pregnant my husband wont return home because we wont get jobs but am so depressed and have been for months i just need my uk life and friends . My husband works with my brother and is applying for pr, i want to leave before this happens and before the baby is born as i believe that if i have the baby here my husband can make me and the baby stay as the laws are different. So I suppose am asking if i go home and have my baby does the same rights apply? I have only been married 8months and this move has tore us apart i wish id never come over but i guess i would have never have known until i got here. Would love others opinons. thanks lou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Very hard I made sure I never had that problem, live in Aus but made sure I married a Brit. Seriously made that decision so we would avoid a lot of strife and we have. We live here in Aus and happy but if we had lived in UK and never returned here I would have been just as happy. Unfortunately a lot of people do not think about the long term implications of marrying someone from another country when they are young. I did because I had lived in Africa, New Zealand and Aus so knew the pitfalls heard it all before. Not saying there is not a lot of successful ones however I do feel for the grandparents in all this on both sides of the world they love their grandchildren too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 OMG, i was so happy to read your story i thought i was the only one who was ungrateful and wanted to leave oz, i too want to return to the uk i cannot settle here i came over with my husband and 2 children from a different relationship. I have famliy here but didnt really grow up with them and they are all men and havent been able to bond. I came on a student visa that has broke us and we have done nothing but argue since we arrived. I have no support here and am 4months pregnant my husband wont return home because we wont get jobs but am so depressed and have been for months i just need my uk life and friends . My husband works with my brother and is applying for pr, i want to leave before this happens and before the baby is born as i believe that if i have the baby here my husband can make me and the baby stay as the laws are different. So I suppose am asking if i go home and have my baby does the same rights apply? I have only been married 8months and this move has tore us apart i wish id never come over but i guess i would have never have known until i got here. Would love others opinons. thanks lou You should be right if you go home before the baby arrives as both you and the baby will be ordinarily resident in UK. If you stay then, yes, he can (and probably will) trap you here. I am so sorry that things have gone pear shaped - you arent Robinson Crusoe by any means and many relationships have been torn asunder by migration Good luck with your move, I hope it works out for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
byrned Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Yes of course, we agreed that I would come over for an extended stay with the possibility of not coming back, he brought us over at Christmas and paid for our one way flights. He sends us money every week, and talks to the children and me on skype most days. It is not as hostile a situation as some others on here. You sound you have a good husband, but from reading your posts stay wherei you are, you come from a lovely part of the uk, your children will have the same choices there as they have in oz, i can honestly say my children have not benefiited any better here in oz then they would have in the uk, in fact I think they would have been better in the uk been surrounded by family and cousins etc, Australia can be a very lonely place, if you feel at peace now, stay where you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
byrned Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 OMG, i was so happy to read your story i thought i was the only one who was ungrateful and wanted to leave oz, i too want to return to the uk i cannot settle here i came over with my husband and 2 children from a different relationship. I have famliy here but didnt really grow up with them and they are all men and havent been able to bond. I came on a student visa that has broke us and we have done nothing but argue since we arrived. I have no support here and am 4months pregnant my husband wont return home because we wont get jobs but am so depressed and have been for months i just need my uk life and friends . My husband works with my brother and is applying for pr, i want to leave before this happens and before the baby is born as i believe that if i have the baby here my husband can make me and the baby stay as the laws are different. So I suppose am asking if i go home and have my baby does the same rights apply? I have only been married 8months and this move has tore us apart i wish id never come over but i guess i would have never have known until i got here. Would love others opinons. thanks lou If i was you there would be no way I would have the baby in oz, if you do I think you may kiss any chances of returning home to the uk, get in touch with your friends and family in uk explain the situation to them about wanting to return to uk, you are not the only one unhappy with oz, loads of women are but a lot keep quiet and get on with it, and that feeling a lot carry around with them about not being 100 percent happy get used to that feeling and it becomes the norm, not a good place to be, always pining. So if I was you I would be getting on that blower and making some calls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blackdownsgirl Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 You sound you have a good husband, but from reading your posts stay wherei you are, you come from a lovely part of the uk, your children will have the same choices there as they have in oz, i can honestly say my children have not benefiited any better here in oz then they would have in the uk, in fact I think they would have been better in the uk been surrounded by family and cousins etc, Australia can be a very lonely place, if you feel at peace now, stay where you are. Thanks for this, I feel that my children will be fine here in the uk, they have settled well into the village preschool (all free!) and my son has a place for September at the very good primary school in the village too (again nice and free). I make lots of effort to take them outside to get that "outdoors lifestyle" ozzies rave about, and although my local beach is no bondi, they seem happy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chris955 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 To be honest kids are happy if their parents are happy. We are longing for the village lifestyle later this year and I'm very envious. Don't worry about the outdoor lifestyle, our kids are born and bred here and spend hardly any time outside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blackdownsgirl Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Just a bit of an update and thanks to all your time put into great replies. I know this is a cliche but it really helps to know I am not alone and to get advice from others who have been there and done that. Myself and the children have been here in the uk since Christmas (had to literally push the car in the snow the last few meters to the house from Heathrow!), and I absolutely love being here. Too many things to list, but love the sense of place and belonging I have here which has made me so much happier day to day, and made me more able to be a better mother, all of which I struggled with in Oz. the kids have settled in so well and I have reconnected with family and friends so all os good on that front. Unfortunately things have been very strained with my partner, who has been working in Oz. He has really struggled with the idea of living here and refused to consider it. He came over to see us for two weeks over the school holidays, things were hard but he finally agreed to come over as soon as he gets a visa again (if he doesn't things could be messy). He is adamant Oz is the place to raise children, and adamant his family are going to be massively upset ( which I struggle with as they made next to no effort to see us when we actually lived there). I know living here is going to be really hard for him, and i hate being the one to make him upset, but when I think about getting on a plane and returning to Oz I feel this massive panic rising in me and don't think that will ever change. So if all goes to plan we will be together here in the uk later this year, kids happy, me happy and a very disgruntled Ozzie sulking about the roads/weather/people everything he can think of! Any tips on how to deal with his resentment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chris955 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 It sounds as though you are for the most part at least settling in well, unfortunately 'mixed' couples often come unstuck at times like this and to be fair to each should one expect the other to be unhappy ? Don't worry about his whinging, these Aussies are well known for it :wink: Seriously though I'm not really sure what can be done about the situation to be honest, whichever way you do it one of you will be where they don't want to be. I'm really out of my depth with that one I'm afraid. Not totally though because I have dragged my wife away from the England she loves twice to come here but she has for the most part accepted it. Now we are heading back to Somerset which we both want. All the best with your difficult situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tiddywiddy Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Just a bit of an update and thanks to all your time put into great replies. I know this is a cliche but it really helps to know I am not alone and to get advice from others who have been there and done that. Myself and the children have been here in the uk since Christmas (had to literally push the car in the snow the last few meters to the house from Heathrow!), and I absolutely love being here. Too many things to list, but love the sense of place and belonging I have here which has made me so much happier day to day, and made me more able to be a better mother, all of which I struggled with in Oz. the kids have settled in so well and I have reconnected with family and friends so all os good on that front. Unfortunately things have been very strained with my partner, who has been working in Oz. He has really struggled with the idea of living here and refused to consider it. He came over to see us for two weeks over the school holidays, things were hard but he finally agreed to come over as soon as he gets a visa again (if he doesn't things could be messy). He is adamant Oz is the place to raise children, and adamant his family are going to be massively upset ( which I struggle with as they made next to no effort to see us when we actually lived there). I know living here is going to be really hard for him, and i hate being the one to make him upset, but when I think about getting on a plane and returning to Oz I feel this massive panic rising in me and don't think that will ever change. So if all goes to plan we will be together here in the uk later this year, kids happy, me happy and a very disgruntled Ozzie sulking about the roads/weather/people everything he can think of! Any tips on how to deal with his resentment? just my thought is, he will be sulking about the roads etc & you will have to deal with his resentment. I would be inclined to say "he has children to think about now, not just himself" you was stuck in a country & I quess at home all day with the kids, with no help from the so called family who never visited etc, yet are going to be so upset if you take the kids out of the country. You need to tell him that you will not be stuck in a home/country that makes you soooo upset/down beat etc as your kiddies are picking up on it (blah blah blah, lol). I wish you luck :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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