Guest caroline76 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hi, I'm married to an Australian & we've been living here in his hometown for 9 years. We met in the UK and moved here after a couple of years (his visa ran out & I came here on a working holiday visa). Anyway I fell pregnant after being here about 18months (by which time we had applied for a spouse visa). After having my first child my feelings about being here changed dramatically, I wanted to be near my family & friends, not his & was just basically homesick. I know I made bad choices and my feelings about missing home have changed from depression to, "well, I've made my bed, better lie in it", to numbness and just living from each visit home to the next. So, 9 years on & it is as bad, if not worse, than ever. My parents are getting older & we can't afford to keep visiting. I hate hate hate that I've put myself in such a stupid, powerless position. I have begged & pleaded for my husband to go home but he is convinced this is a better life than what we could manage in the UK. His job would make it difficult, but not completely impossible, to find work outside london and my hometown is too far to commute. His argument is that we have a lovely big house, he earns enough money to get by & Australia is a perfect place to bring up a family. He is self-employed and has built up a business here so asking him to leave it is difficult. He is happy in his life, he just doesn't want to leave. My question to you all is - is it unfair to ask this of him? I feel like I've given it a good go here, he disagrees. I feel like a little child stomping my feet shouting, "I WANNA GO HOME!!) but it's all I think about from the minute I get up from when I go to sleep, and then often I'm awake at night stewing over the whole thing. I try to tell him that people move all the time & change can be good, we're still pretty young & I'd like to think we have adventures in front of us. This has obviously caused a lot of bitterness between us, particularly as he works so hard & he feels like it's never enough for me. What he fails to see is that I'm not choosing to feel this way, my life would be infinitely easier if I was one of those English people who come over here & love it & wouldn't dream of going back (he only ever meets this kind so he thinks it's just me who feels the exact opposite). I've made good friends here & his family are all nice but I've found myself withdraw further & further away from them all, I'm sure they are all just sick of my moaning. I feel myself constantly comparing home to here & have been home lots in the last few years so I think my expectations are realistic. I've read a few posts here & although it is reassuring to know I'm not alone in feeling this way it does make my so insanely jealous of anyone who is going home, I wish it was me phoning my family to tell them we were coming home... Sorry for the moan, but thanks for reading & any advice or just proof that I can show him that I'm not mental for feeling this way would be greatly appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest rachellh Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hi Caroline That's really tough and it must be horrible to wake up everyday wishing you could leave. Hard to give any help on that one, but no, I don't think it's unfair of you to want to go. You also have a life to live, and to not be happy where you are living is a terrible thing. For what it's worth I don't think this is just something you should shut up and put up with, otherwise before you know it another 9 years will have passed and you'll have been miserable all that time. Does your husband know just how low you are feeling about it and that it's not just a whim? I hope you can help him see your side of it and find a solution to what is a very difficult situation to be in. Rachel x :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 :hug: Sh1t place to find yourself isnt it? You will know, I am sure, that I am one of the ones also in your position and quite frankly, I agree with you, it sux! As to what to do - heavens knows really. You could try marriage counselling for starters, get it right out there in a mediated session with someone else asking him the hard questions about what are his barriers for helping you overcome your mental health issues (for that is what they are!) With kids, you are stuck basically - I am willing to bet that if you decided to leave him he wouldnt let you take your kids so you have no options at all. That better life for the kids stuff is just bollocks, sorry, I know that some people (including most Australians) think that there is no better place on God earth to raise kids but the best thing you can do for kids is to have happy parents and if you dont have happy parents then you are not giving the kids the better life at all! Most kids in UK grow up to be happy, well educated, functional members of society and there is nothing to stop your kids having that broad experience and variety in their lives which they will not get here. I would suggest that maybe you also need to see a doctor. Those feelings that are with you from dawn to dusk are interfering with your life - you could well have clinical depression and it may be possible for you to get counselling to help you through it. There are tricks that a CBT or ACT therapist could teach you which would help you get through every day. Sorry, that does sound a bit harsh but sometimes we let those feelings get us down when perhaps there are things we can do to ameliorate them. The only thing that works for me is that I have a sense of compromise. He wants to go and be self sufficient on a bush block against the day when civilization collapses in the next 5 years (he is actually quite intelligent, just a little "odd" about some things:biglaugh:) but a flush loo is a non negotiable in my book so we live in suburbia where he doesnt really want to be in Australia where I dont want to be and I get to go home whenever I want and he has to work enough to fund me to do that. If I couldnt go home because of finances I would be seriously looking at our relationship or I'd be calling Lifeline on a daily basis and checking out the sharpness of the knives. I wish there was an easy way out of your situation, but I have noticed that Australian men are seriously lacking in the empathy department and even the nicest of them is very egocentric! Happy to chat via pm if I can help in any way! Hang in there, you are a strong woman and anything is possible!!! Edited to say, you are definitely not mental! I am certainly not mental and I feel exactly the same way you do LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lifeinmono Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hi, I'm married to an Australian & we've been living here in his hometown for 9 years. We met in the UK and moved here after a couple of years (his visa ran out & I came here on a working holiday visa). Anyway I fell pregnant after being here about 18months (by which time we had applied for a spouse visa). After having my first child my feelings about being here changed dramatically, I wanted to be near my family & friends, not his & was just basically homesick. I know I made bad choices and my feelings about missing home have changed from depression to, "well, I've made my bed, better lie in it", to numbness and just living from each visit home to the next.So, 9 years on & it is as bad, if not worse, than ever. My parents are getting older & we can't afford to keep visiting. I hate hate hate that I've put myself in such a stupid, powerless position. I have begged & pleaded for my husband to go home but he is convinced this is a better life than what we could manage in the UK. His job would make it difficult, but not completely impossible, to find work outside london and my hometown is too far to commute. His argument is that we have a lovely big house, he earns enough money to get by & Australia is a perfect place to bring up a family. He is self-employed and has built up a business here so asking him to leave it is difficult. He is happy in his life, he just doesn't want to leave. My question to you all is - is it unfair to ask this of him? I feel like I've given it a good go here, he disagrees. I feel like a little child stomping my feet shouting, "I WANNA GO HOME!!) but it's all I think about from the minute I get up from when I go to sleep, and then often I'm awake at night stewing over the whole thing. I try to tell him that people move all the time & change can be good, we're still pretty young & I'd like to think we have adventures in front of us. This has obviously caused a lot of bitterness between us, particularly as he works so hard & he feels like it's never enough for me. What he fails to see is that I'm not choosing to feel this way, my life would be infinitely easier if I was one of those English people who come over here & love it & wouldn't dream of going back (he only ever meets this kind so he thinks it's just me who feels the exact opposite). I've made good friends here & his family are all nice but I've found myself withdraw further & further away from them all, I'm sure they are all just sick of my moaning. I feel myself constantly comparing home to here & have been home lots in the last few years so I think my expectations are realistic. I've read a few posts here & although it is reassuring to know I'm not alone in feeling this way it does make my so insanely jealous of anyone who is going home, I wish it was me phoning my family to tell them we were coming home... Sorry for the moan, but thanks for reading & any advice or just proof that I can show him that I'm not mental for feeling this way would be greatly appreciated. Aussies always EXPECT to live in Australia - no matter if they've gone overseas and met/married a Brit or whatever - it is always their expectation that the partner will go to live in Australia with them. Something to do with the inherent nationalism and arrogance of Aussies, I would say. He's had his go at living in Australia. You're miserable. Tell him that. Would living overseas make him miserable? If not, then why stay where one of you is unhappy? If he thinks it would, you at least deserve a turn of living in your home country. If he's not willing to be flexible/communicate on this then he is being the typical arrogant Aussie and you need to have even more serious words with him about how much he does or doesn't value your happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I know you are unhappy but if you return to the UK you are just swapping one unhappy person for another unhappy person and if your oh is unable to earn the money or run a business like he has here then there it will put a bigger strain on your marriage. Unfortunately I am a person that thinks if I have made my bed I will lie in it. Comes down to how much you really care about your oh life and your children's life. The time to refuse was long ago when you met in the UK. If I said to my oh that I was returning to the UK he would say off you go but I am not going. He is Scots. My Dad refused to return to the UK for my Mum so its not just Australians a lot of Brits also refuse to return for their wives. I know that its eating you up and you are miserable but are you not spending too much time thinking about it, live the day and enjoy the day. You could always leave yourself, my mum did a couple of times but she came back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bod Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Sh!t situation Caroline but I tend to agree with Petals. It sounds as if your OH would not fit in hear. It has to be exstended holidays or leave Him. Hopfully you'll be able to afford long holidays. I do feel for you, My Oh loved Australia but lucky for me come home as I was so unhappy over there. Good luck Darling I just hope you'll find your happiness. JohnX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharmedP3 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I can empathise with your situation and I think that Quoll made a very good point about seeing your Doctor as it does sound like the situation that you are finding intolerable is I really don't know what to advise about your hubby.... men can be hard work and very stubborn .... but one thing that doesn't seem to have been mentioned here is what your kids think about this. Have you actually spoken to them about returning to the UK and about WHY you want to return ... which for them it won't be returning since from your post I gather they/he/she was born in Oz and has therefore only ever KNOWN Australia as a way of life.... so whilst you may feel that returning to the UK is the only way for your life to return to happiness... WILL it make your kids happy too? I know that, that is simply the reverse of what those of us planning to move to Oz are doing (uprooting our kids from UK to Oz), but I guess it is something we all discuss with our kids if they are old enough...so I just wondered if you'd done that too? Perhaps if they are up for it etc etc this might help to convince your hubby if you really really feel that this is the only way forward for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2tigers Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I am so sorry to read how unhappy you are. I remember oh so well feeling that miserable too. I left my husband, long story & a little complicated, but the end result is me and my children are now home and their father is still in AU. My now ex husband was not willing to move to save our marriage. I had tried, just like you are doing now. My ex husbands attitude was we stay exactly where we were as he had his comforts around him - family, friends and work. He was happy so he wasnt moving, regardless. I was very depressed, and as well as a bunch of other marital problems we encountered, his lack of support for my well being tore us apart. I hope your husband is willing to do whatever it takes to make his wife happy. Money isnt everything, it comes, it goes. A loving and understanding partner for life is worth more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest caroline76 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hi, thanks for all your replies, I probably shouldn't ask for opinions if I wasn't prepared for some of you taking his side! It's all a long story, too long to go into here. My kids are only little & dearly love going to see their grandparents. Yes, I honestly think they'd be happy. I do think my husband would be happy too, after the initial disruption. He has fantastic friends there & always enjoys being around my family. He's in a real rut work-wise here & even if we were just to rent the house out & just go for a few years he would be able to pick up where he left off if we returned. Anyway, I suppose it's him I have to convince, not you, but it is nice to know that I'm not alone. Quolls, you made me laugh! Lucky you get to go home lots. Thanks for replying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KayJay Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I am Australian and met my hubby in OZ while he was on a year trip round Oz. One year passed and his visa expired and we were faced with a real dilemma, as he had to return home to UK. I was devastated but worked hard for 10 weeks to get over to UK to be with him. We knew we wanted to continue our relationship so I made a conscerted effort to move to UK for what I thought would be about 2 years max until we could get his spouse visa sorted. Nearly ten years have passed and in that time we have got engaged and married (back in Oz) and have a 3 year old and 18 month old twins and still live in the UK. It has been a roller coster of emotions for me being so far away from my family to share and celebrate life events and general day to day things. Homesickness is a real hidden problem and hovers like an underlying depression. I feel like part of me is missing, as I used to be a real bubbly person and the life and sole of any party. I guess I just get by over here in the UK, and count each day as another one that has passed and measure my emotions daily and wonder what I would be doing if I were living in OZ. The weather really gets me down here and I mostly feel sorry for the kids being couped up inside all day because it's raining. We have promises of a hot summer that never eventuate and the winter's just seem to drag on and on. I believe people are happier in general when the sun is shining and when they can be out and about socialising. I always think about missed opportunities such as buying my first house in Oz and having a nice place to call home. I feel bitter and cheated that I have had 3 children here in UK (horrific deliveries requiring general anaesthetic under emergency condition for the first delivery and a c-section for the 2nd pregnancy) and reared them without any of my own family around me to share my experience, gain advice as a new mum and to help shape the kids personalities. One of my twins was born with a cleft lip and palate and has gone through 2 operations to repair his little face with complications after the last surgery. That was my hardest time and I was seriously asking myself questions as to why are you still over here away from everyone you love and trust? The very people who i could sit with and cry and cry and cry about things were on the other side of the world through my own stupid fault of falling in love with someone from overseas. My hubby's parents are heavily involved with the grandchildren and see them 2-3 times per week and I know my own mum and dad would give anything to have this time with them. I am grateful for skype though as they can see the kids over the internet. I found my lonliest times were when I was on Maternity Leave and not working, as all I wanted was my mum and dad to be able to pop round for a cuppa, chat and advice on bringing the kids up or to visit some of my closest friends and did not get that opportunity. My hubby's parents would visit often and I found many things starting to pee me off about their involvement in our life and started to distance myself away from them too, almost feeling that if my parents can't see the kids, neither will they. I have since resolved my feelings with them by having an open chat about exactly how I have been feeling about things and it has helped. I still feel lonely now but try to integrate into society here as best I can, (thank goodness for my work) but the problem i have is many people here have established friend bases and a little difficult to infiltrate, I find. My friends are mainly WAG's of my hubby's friends but I do not feel the same closeness and trust as I do with my friends back home. I believe home will always be home to you and I. It is about where you grew up as a child and where your happiest memories are and personality was shaped. Just like christmas feels christmas to me when we are enjoying our dinner sitting outside in the sunshine and pop round to the neighbours for a catch up and xmas day swim. We can't help falling in love with people over the other side of the world, but when kids come along, it suddenly is not about me anymore but more about them. In a cruel twist, my husband has agreed this year to move to Oz to start our new life there. I am from Melbourne but he is adamant he wants to move to QLD. I am clearly devasted because the whole reason why I want to move back to Oz is to be near my family and friends (especially now I have children) and he is still not granting me that. Everyday this is eating away at me and despite trying to say I want to move to Melbourne he is not budging. I have tried for over 8 years to get him to make a decision on moving back to Oz. I am really nervous about the move to Oz because living here in UK has felt like I have lost all of my Australian identity. I don't feel Aussie cause I don't do Aussie things here like go lye on a beach after work and have a BBQ most weekends and spontaneously invite friends over. I have even lost my accent and to me that is just too much. There is nothing accomodating about Australia in Britain unless you live in London (which I don't). We have on many occassions argued about where we should live and even talked about neutral ground somewhere like singapore or dubai. But we were doing it to satisfy our parents needs and not our own. We have decided that Australia does offer more opportunities to young ones and will move there to make a real go of things. My only fear is that my hubby will start to get the same feelings as I have had for the last 10 years. but men tend to be stronger, don't they? Anyway, I completly sympathise with your story and I am sure you can understand my situation. I have no real answers for you but to ensure your kids are part of your decision making. You need to make a decision soon before your kids have their own formal opinions on things. Fancy swapping life's??? That should sort us both... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest vidal1974 Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Hey Caroline, It IS a sh1t situation to be in. I am also in the same position, going home is all I think about from the second I wake til going to bed. Then of course I lay awake at night crying and thinking about being 'trapped' over here. It seems to me that Quoll is spot on with regards to Aussie men seriously lacking in the empathy department and even the nicest of them being very egocentric. My hubby tried the UK (whilst I was preggers) and gave it 1 month before telling me we had to move back to Oz. So within 4 months of giving birth to our daughter we were back in the very place he knew I had been unhappy in previously BECAUSE I LOVED HIM. Truth is, my hubby does not care that I am unhappy and depressed, because HE has his family (that he rarely sees) and his friends (that he rarely sees) and his job (which he moans constantly about). He gave me permission to take our daughter back to the UK, but now he is making me fight to leave, which of course I will not win. So here I am trapped. It is a shame he can not return the love that I showed him by moving over here for him. If you have the chance to leave without him... GO! If he loves you he will follow you. But be aware that he can make you stay because of the kids, so if you get the slightest chance to go home to your friends and family GO GO GO! I know this will get some remarks for being negative, but so many women end up trapped, lonely and depressed over here, I am one of them and feel I have the right to be angry and negative. Good luck with trying to persuade him to return to the UK, perhaps discuss with him about you and the kids moving back and see his reaction? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Oh dear KJ - it isnt easy from either side, is it? I can see, and to some extent actually agree with, your husband's desire to be elsewhere in Australia apart from your family. I know that sounds weird but from an alien's point of view, it does make things very difficult if one of you has all of "theirs" around them and the other has nothing. Far better IMHO for you to be a family unit against the world rather than you and yours against him on his own - and that is how it can be, no matter how lovely the inlaws are. Resentment is a funny old emotion and I daresay you have experienced that quite a bit as his folks know your kids and your folks dont. At least if you are in Qld it is a much easier proposition to get together with your folks than either of you flying off for 24 hours and Australia is Australia pretty much all over. At least he is prepared to come here with you, I dont think that is cruel really, far more cruel would be if he wouldnt come and wouldnt let you bring the kids. Hope you can sort it out though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest vidal1974 Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Thanks Quoll, I hadn't really thought about the resentment like that, but now I can see it is exactly how I feel. The only difference being that the in laws make very little effort to see our daughter, but I can understand how hubby could be feeling about not going back to the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest vidal1974 Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I meant thanks for pointing that out! Ooops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest treesea Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I suppose from an Australian's point of view, when they think of Australia, they think of things like having their own family around them, the sun, the lifestyle, the "lightness" of the people (I don't think deep and meaningful is an Aussie trait, lol), and then don't really get why some of us immigrants are not really into it that much. We are naturalised Aussies and my children are both Australian. My OH isn't born there, or here, but prefers Australia to here by a long shot. And he doesn't really get why I would rather be here than there. I have very close friends in Australia and New Zealand, much closer than I have made here in the 5 years since we came back. We don't even earn a third of what we earned in Australia. I guess I can understand how the Aussie OHs feel now they are back in Australia, because I feel the same. I am sorry my OH isn't really into the UK, but I'm not going back. Not even if all his family uprooted themselves from where they are around the world and emigrated there. I know the economy is bad here. Even if people are still in work, there are hundreds of thousands of people working for part time wages rather than having full time jobs, just because it was the only way - cutting hours - for the employers to keep everyone on. And businesses? well, put it this way, things get pretty tight at the month end. I realise the flat is a bit of a dump, and rented, compared to the house we owned in Australia. But I don't care. There is just something about being among my own people, on my own land, that I can't give up. I would think that the Aussie OHs described in this thread understand only too well how their partners feel, if they have spent any time over here and gone through similar emotions. But they are back in their comfort zone, among their own. Some people are just not cut out to be immigrants. If my OH had refused to agree to coming back to the UK with me, I would have had to stay in Australia, because both my children are Australian - I doubt if there is a court in Australia who would have let me remove little Aussies from their own land against my OHs wishes. In that case I would have insisted on a compromise - to move from Melbourne to Sydney. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest caroline76 Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I suppose all I can do is live in the hope that I can change his mind, make it work for him so that he could be happy there, whether that be a change in career (I do fancy myself to be a bit of a Sarah Beeney!) or something else I don't know. It's good to know that some of you have done it, or are in the process of doing it. Vidal1974, I agree, I came here purely because I loved him & wanted to be with him, I'm astounded that despite seeing how unhappy I am he won't do it for me, but yep, he's quite happy in his life so why change... I'll just keep doing the lottery I think, winning that would make so much easier! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jonathan from manchester Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 that made very harrowing reading,what a dreadful dilema which i can relate to so much i met a beautiful visiting aussie in my hometown(bolton/uk)many years ago we instantly fell madly in love(still are) had two lovely kids and built a pretty good life here however michelle longed to be back in oz,she hated the weather here and the materialistic culture etc etc...the etcetras are endless ( the great in great britain always confused her) anyway after giving me the best years of her/my life things here took their toll and for health reasons had to return to oz after a few years of illness she has now bounced back and is preparing the ground for the boys and i to go and live out there i am packing up 43 years of life in the uk because i know its for the best and its something i have wanted to do for years....plus i owe it to my good lady because she made that sacrifice to me/us all those years ago my parents are elderly but my sisters are around/can handle it so my conscience is fairly clear BUT! it is still very very hard especially trying to sell my kids a better life when they think that life is just so sweet and rosey right now thanks very much tears are rolling down my cheeks as i write this because i love and miss her so much but i know that one day we will all be back together again and visa permitting will make oz our home I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS MICHELLE! anyway i hope my story helps in some way good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tracy123 Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Just loving some of these b1tchy comments. I don't think deep and meaningful is an Aussie trait Aussie men seriously lacking in the empathy department and even the nicest of them being very egocentric. Aussies always EXPECT to live in Australia - no matter if they've gone overseas and met/married a Brit or whatever - it is always their expectation that the partner will go to live in Australia with them. Something to do with the inherent nationalism and arrogance of Aussies, I would say. he is being the typical arrogant Aussie I'm an Aussie married to an English woman and we will be moving to Australia, whether that's a full time move or part time only time will tell...... We as a couple have spoken about where we will live how long we will give it etc. Australia will always be my home, but if it has to be the UK so be it. Tracy knows if things don't work I will want a return holiday once a year. At the end of the day Australia is a place, Tracy and the kids are my world, and even though I love Australia I would be miserable without them there, so would Australia be right for me? No so many women end up trapped, lonely and depressed over here, I am one of them and feel I have the right to be angry and negative. You have the right to be angry with yourself, :cute:. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bod Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Just loving some of these b1tchy comments. I'm an Aussie married to an English woman and we will be moving to Australia, whether that's a full time move or part time only time will tell...... We as a couple have spoken about where we will live how long we will give it etc. Australia will always be my home, but if it has to be the UK so be it. Tracy knows if things don't work I will want a return holiday once a year. At the end of the day Australia is a place, Tracy and the kids are my world, and even though I love Australia I would be miserable without them there, so would Australia be right for me? No You have the right to be angry with yourself, :cute:. Your a lovley fella Geothrey :heart_head_crying_t Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chellebella Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 I'm an Aussie who is married to a British man who I met while he was travelling over here on a working holiday about 11 years ago. We lived in London for a few years but have been back in Oz for about 7 years now. For us the issue of moving back to the UK has become a constant thing hanging over our heads, especially since we had my son who is about 3y/o now. We have spent endless hours trying to weigh up the good/bad of each and just always seem to end up going around in circles because there is no clear cut answer either way. I am very lucky to have a very supportive and loving husband who has not pressured me at all, which is important because I know if he had that I would have ended up resenting him for it. But now we have decided to go over there at the end of this year and I know we have made the right decision because we made it together by weighing up the needs and what is best for all the members of our family. At this point I suppose we feel like now is the time to do it while our son is young, so at least if we go and hate it we can always decide to come back. I know he would never force me to stay anywhere I wasn't happy and we have agreed to give it a few years there and then weigh up the situation again down the line. I know he feels that the most important thing is that we are happy and have each other, which is why he has kind of suffered in silence a bit, but I can see the pain he feels from being away from his family/home for so long now so since he has given me a decade here I feel it is fair that we go and give it a try on his side of the world. I suppose it helps that I am open to new experiences too, actually quite excited about the possibilities. I am not ready to be stuck in suburban Brisbane for the rest of my life (even if we have a lovely house w/pool etc here). I would love to travel more and experience some of the cultural richness which Europe has to offer. My husband also has a very loving and supportive family (I am very close to his mother) so that is another thing which I know will be great for my son. My family are a few hours drive away from me so the idea of having grandparents to babysit is like a huge lottery win for us! It has not been an easy decision to make as I have alot of sentimental attachments to Australia (particularly the idea of my son growing up as an Australian) and will miss my family and friends dearly, but it is part of the deal that we will come back to visit at least once every 18months (which is about as often as I can handle the plane trip!). :confused: Anyway sorry about the huge rave but I suppose the point being that whole thing is a very common problem for people marrying foreigners but in the end if your partner is willing to ignore your unhappiness because they are not willing to make compromises to their living situation, then i do not believe that is a healthy and balanced relationship. Each party in a family needs to be heard, their feelings to be valued and compromises made on all sides. For us, the issue will be a lifelong one... I know we will also be torn between the two countries because they are part of both of us. But for now this seems like the right thing to do so we are making lemonade from our lemons as it were :cute: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jonathan from manchester Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 you know i posted two replies on this forum yesterday(one took me ages to write) and now there are no traces of them....any ideas anyone? you log in,write a message,it then asks you to log in again and then you are history! hope this message gets through Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunnyday Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 you know i posted two replies on this forum yesterday(one took me ages to write) and now there are no traces of them....any ideas anyone? you log in,write a message,it then asks you to log in again and then you are history! hope this message gets through Hi Jonathan how annoying for you!!! I've had the same thing happen to me, I tend to copy anything before I click the button now to make sure I've still got it if it does disappear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 If only we had a crystal ball and could see the future. I guess there is some merit to arranged marriages as a lot of us seem to make a mess of things picking partners. I think the head should rule the heart a bit as we change as we age and if a person is a little bit stubborn as a young person then the cement really sets in as they age. I really feel sorry for people stuck in this dilemma but no matter how good a relationship we have there is always one who gives a little more than other, if there is not, then its the queue at the divorce court. Also think about the children its very hard moving around the place having done it at a child, I remember being very happy in the little village we lived in and can remember how shocked I was that we were to leave. I never felt it was home again until I married and made my own home. We have moved once since we had children and only 20 mins down the road as I was determined my children would not feel like me and my brother. I am retired now and my brother is 13 years younger but we still have long discussions about how we felt and how dislocated we felt. So think about the children took, we do not have to have them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest robbyhooper Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 i met an an ozzy girl in sydney in 1991 and got married and lived in sydney for 6 years then moved to the UK which we lived there for 12 years and just returned to NSW in October last year , we have 2 kids and had a very comfortable life in the UK and even though my wife had her moments of homesickness she did'nt want to come back as she felt it was too hard and expensive but i convinced her that we should give it a go even though i was'nt that keen but thought it would be good for her family to see the kids etc , now we are here we are finding it very hard to settle in and just don't know whats around the corner but carrying on regardless , its always hard when your in this position because you feel for your partner , but all i'm interested in is securing my kids future wether thats in Australia or the UK , its been really interesting reading all these posts and can understand what your all going through .good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gloucestershire Girl Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 Hi Caroline, Make it happen, you can! I know exactly what you are going through. I went through a similar experience, married a Kiwi and moved from the U.K to Auckland. As a bubbly individual I thought that I could cope but the loneliness of not having familiar faces around took it's toll. Not only was I severly depressed but my whole view of life changed! My looks changed drastically too. My husbands family are wonderful but years of history and connections were not there, I was 33 when I made the move over there. I realised after the first year that I had to go home and that my husband had to come with me. I returned to the uk every year which gave me a little strength. It took another 6 years to get home. My husband excelled in his career in N.Z and we built up our finances to make the move. We have a small investment property over there near to his family which keeps the ties strong. On the flight back, I felt a rush of relief go through me and 2 years later I am getting back to my normal self and appreciating all the things here, my love for England basically that I have always had. Friends and family here have been so obliging, we lived with my elderly parents for about 5 months until we sorted ourselves out, and we're in our fourties!!!! I nestled in their huge armchair like I had done when I was a kid! I told everyone that I had sufferes from home-sickness and they understood. We're now in London, just a few hours away from my family & school friends, in the recession, but we both are happy because I am, my husband with an excellent job and me studying and soon returning to work. My biggest regret is that I did not have kids, but as my friends keep telling me, anything is possible especailly when your mind is in the right place! I think that any woman who needs to go home because of home-sickness must find a way with her family. Men can live anywhere, but a womens place is with her family in a place that she loves. Nothing is permenant if you don't want it to be. I don't want to be here in london but in Gloucestershire with my family and friends, so I'm going to make it happen that in a few years time I am there!! I will do it! Good luck Caroline. If perhaps you can tell your friends and family about what you want to do, they might be able to help you. Don't be afraid to take what they offer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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