ScottieandDani Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi Guys, We (My new wife & I) are moving to Oz in the next 3 years and I have 2 boyz from a previous. I have told the Mum we are going but not the boyz yet, and have asked her not to say owt yet, My question is when do I tell them? sooner than later? one is 12 and the other is 6. This is so hard, anyone been here before and what did you do. Thanks Scottie Help!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Not been in that situation and realise that it must be tough. It's difficult to say with the time scales as they are, and 3 years may be a little too early, but for me I'd be thinking of about 12 months before to start talking of the idea that you may go and live, talk about their visits to you and how you're going to make sure you keep in contact with them. Empashis what you'll do not that they can ring you, speak to you etc., as it will make it sound that they have the responsibility. Think of it a little like a divorce .... you're leaving them, assure then how how much you love them etc.,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi Guys, We (My new wife & I) are moving to Oz in the next 3 years and I have 2 boyz from a previous. I have told the Mum we are going but not the boyz yet, and have asked her not to say owt yet, My question is when do I tell them? sooner than later? one is 12 and the other is 6. This is so hard, anyone been here before and what did you do. Thanks Scottie Help!!! Hi Scottie, I agree, its probably too soon to discuss this with your children and your 12 year old will be 15 yrs at the time you're contemplating leaving and a great age for digesting this information. We had one of my husband's collegues for dinner last night and he has the same predicament, leaving his two lads in the Uk after marrying an Australian. He manages to phone/skype every few days and he visits x 2 yearly. I think children are acceptive of most things in life and you can work your way in most situations as long as you and your ex work together to give the children a balanced upbringing without bitterness or spite. I think the key also is to have adequate funds for them to join you for holidays in Australia hence enjoying their lives on both sides of the globe. It is never an easy situation but handled sensitively hopefully all parties should be able to enjoy themselves. Best wishes Susie:wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest31881 Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 I would tend to agree with Ali and Susie, and have plans ready to show them how they can visit you in the future. I think the main thing is that they do not feel that they will not see you again. If you could possibly arrange with their mum a potential date for them to visit you once you make the move. So when you do tell them you can add that you are making arrangements for them to come and visit within 12 months or something like that. Then they will feel sadness at you moving but tempered with the thought that they are going to have a great holiday within 12 months. I would also be prepared for them finding out accidentally, You ex could let it slip quite innocently one day without Intending to, these things can happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andromeda9 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 you tell them when only you knows the right time as all children vary,you hopefully will buy them both a computer with webcam so they can see you,also a mobile phone so they can text you at very little cost ,let them be aware of the time difference,assure them that you will go back to see them on your own if poss,as its for them you would be going back as to spend every minute with them,that one day if when you have checked it out they will have the choice to join you when there older,make them your number one concern,it could effect the rest of there life and your relationship with them for the future if you don't,kids no matter what come first,if handled correctly they will be sad but know they are loved Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wanderer Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Do you reckon there's any chance they'll know sometime in the next week or so? I'd not be surprised. You say this is three years off and a lot can change in three years. Personally, I'd be for introducing it as an idea you have ASAP in a casual way and include them in the thinking even if they're not part of the idea at this stage. You can at least discuss with them how you would keep in contact etc. and they may even be interested in why it is an idea. If you're still close with them now, put yourself back in the mind set of a 12 YO [it's a bit hard I agree] and think about how you might feel if in his shoes, the 6 YO being obviously less aware and it'll depend on your contact now just how much impact it'll have on either of them but 12 -15 in this day and age is probably pretty serious time for formative years, understanding what's right, what's wrong and developing trust. Even if it is an idea, you attempt to keep it a secret [and it will only be an attempt] where's the trust starter?, and the 12 YO is approaching that early adulthood time and so treat him as one. I think it was about twice I ever saw my ol man from the time I was about 10 and he never made the effort and has in over 50 years rarely entered my thoughts, it only really being this thread that has made me think of him since a trip I did to Fiji a few years back and then only because that was where he RIP. So think of how you want a relationship to best develop with them for the future whether you are close or further away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest quigs Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Have you seriously given consideration to what you are giving up? I know everyone else is giving you practical advice but you are their father the only one they will ever have. Is your new life so much more important than spending regular time with them? You are their main role-model in life but you will be at the other side of the world? no webcam or phone is going to replace that. How many football matches , school plays will you miss? As a parent it is different if they are 18 or so and don't want to come with you, but to move to the other side of the world NOW when your children are so young appears to be all about your needs and your new wife's and not the children's. Your child is your responsibility emotionally as well as practically until they are 18 at least. I feel you are going to miss so much of their life and no matter what way you dress this up, they weren't important enough to stay in the country for, how will you explain this to your 6 and 12 year old when they are an adult? I'm sorry if I sound very harsh but I find your behaviour selfish you are pursuing your own needs and interests not your children's!!! Why would you consider telling your children yet when you don't have a definite plan, timescale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest singlemum Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Have you seriously given consideration to what you are giving up? I know everyone else is giving you practical advice but you are their father the only one they will ever have. Is your new life so much more important than spending regular time with them? You are their main role-model in life but you will be at the other side of the world? no webcam or phone is going to replace that. How many football matches , school plays will you miss? As a parent it is different if they are 18 or so and don't want to come with you, but to move to the other side of the world NOW when your children are so young appears to be all about your needs and your new wife's and not the children's. Your child is your responsibility emotionally as well as practically until they are 18 at least. I feel you are going to miss so much of their life and no matter what way you dress this up, they weren't important enough to stay in the country for, how will you explain this to your 6 and 12 year old when they are an adult? I'm sorry if I sound very harsh but I find your behaviour selfish you are pursuing your own needs and interests not your children's!!! Why would you consider telling your children yet when you don't have a definite plan, timescale. I find your post a tad harsh and very bias. People all over the worls live their lives in very different ways, whatever works for them. How can you advise that this is wrong when it may well be the best thing this family have ever done. I agree that the children will miss out a bit, but my Dad lived 50 miles away from me and the last time I saw him was when I was 7 .. I didn't miss out, do you know why .. because children adapt. I would have been over the moon about if I were his child as I would have regular contact from a Dad that loved me and the opportunity to visit another country on a regular basis. Granted it is not ideal, it is no 2.4, but really .. who's life is? Anyway ........ Personally I would start talking about it casually before telling them you have made up your mind, get them involved in the desicion making process. Not too much as you don't want to overwhelm them but make it sound positive. Good luck and I wish you and your family all the best. :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 have you seriously given consideration to what you are giving up? I know everyone else is giving you practical advice but you are their father the only one they will ever have. Is your new life so much more important than spending regular time with them? You are their main role-model in life but you will be at the other side of the world? No webcam or phone is going to replace that. How many football matches , school plays will you miss? As a parent it is different if they are 18 or so and don't want to come with you, but to move to the other side of the world now when your children are so young appears to be all about your needs and your new wife's and not the children's. Your child is your responsibility emotionally as well as practically until they are 18 at least. I feel you are going to miss so much of their life and no matter what way you dress this up, they weren't important enough to stay in the country for, how will you explain this to your 6 and 12 year old when they are an adult? I'm sorry if i sound very harsh but i find your behaviour selfish you are pursuing your own needs and interests not your children's!!! Why would you consider telling your children yet when you don't have a definite plan, timescale. i couldnt have put it better myself ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest itskaren Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Have you seriously given consideration to what you are giving up? I know everyone else is giving you practical advice but you are their father the only one they will ever have. Is your new life so much more important than spending regular time with them? You are their main role-model in life but you will be at the other side of the world? no webcam or phone is going to replace that. How many football matches , school plays will you miss? As a parent it is different if they are 18 or so and don't want to come with you, but to move to the other side of the world NOW when your children are so young appears to be all about your needs and your new wife's and not the children's. Your child is your responsibility emotionally as well as practically until they are 18 at least. I feel you are going to miss so much of their life and no matter what way you dress this up, they weren't important enough to stay in the country for, how will you explain this to your 6 and 12 year old when they are an adult? I'm sorry if I sound very harsh but I find your behaviour selfish you are pursuing your own needs and interests not your children's!!! Why would you consider telling your children yet when you don't have a definite plan, timescale. I agree 100% with this post .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
byrned Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 I agree 100% with this post .. Agree with the above, you have to remember when you tell your children, they will be probably very excited for you thinking of the lovely holidays they will have in oz and you coming home to see them, but remember they are children and do not look further ahead then next week, so when they say they are happy and cant wait remember they will not know the impact this move will have on their lives, everyday things taking the kids to the sporting events on saturdays, picking them up from school, being there at parents evenings, school plays, and when they look round they will realise then that you are not there. My father left me and my siblings when I was about 8, at the time it did not affect me until I got older into my teens and I could never forgive him for leaving us, like you will probably promise the world to them to make your move easier, but on my wedding day it was my mother who walked me down the aisle. You have had these children, it is up to you to be their parent no matter what, as the above post states this may seem harsh to you, and not what you want to hear, but this is the reality of what you are thinking of doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KIRK AND CO Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Have you seriously given consideration to what you are giving up? I know everyone else is giving you practical advice but you are their father the only one they will ever have. Is your new life so much more important than spending regular time with them? You are their main role-model in life but you will be at the other side of the world? no webcam or phone is going to replace that. How many football matches , school plays will you miss? As a parent it is different if they are 18 or so and don't want to come with you, but to move to the other side of the world NOW when your children are so young appears to be all about your needs and your new wife's and not the children's. Your child is your responsibility emotionally as well as practically until they are 18 at least. I feel you are going to miss so much of their life and no matter what way you dress this up, they weren't important enough to stay in the country for, how will you explain this to your 6 and 12 year old when they are an adult? I'm sorry if I sound very harsh but I find your behaviour selfish you are pursuing your own needs and interests not your children's!!! Why would you consider telling your children yet when you don't have a definite plan, timescale. Your post is not harsh as for me just reading the thread ties my stomach it knots. Your kids our for life how must or will they feel when they realise there dad put himself first. Critisise me all you want but not many threads gets me this angary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest itskaren Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Agree with the above, you have to remember when you tell your children, they will be probably very excited for you thinking of the lovely holidays they will have in oz and you coming home to see them, but remember they are children and do not look further ahead then next week, so when they say they are happy and cant wait remember they will not know the impact this move will have on their lives, everyday things taking the kids to the sporting events on saturdays, picking them up from school, being there at parents evenings, school plays, and when they look round they will realise then that you are not there. My father left me and my siblings when I was about 8, at the time it did not affect me until I got older into my teens and I could never forgive him for leaving us, like you will probably promise the world to them to make your move easier, but on my wedding day it was my mother who walked me down the aisle. You have had these children, it is up to you to be their parent no matter what, as the above post states this may seem harsh to you, and not what you want to hear, but this is the reality of what you are thinking of doing. My father left us when we were young. My brother who was 5 at the time never forgave my father who was so selfish when he emigrated to South Africa. My brother is now 25. Unfortunately my father died suddenly last year, however in my opinion he died all those years ago when he left us. What a horrible, selfish man he was to do that to his children just to make a better life for himself ... not anyone else HIMSELF. Children will end up hating the parent (as we did)., sad though it is. Parenting is a commitment not for people to do what they want on a whim! Like this post or hate it it's my opinion from experience! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peeka Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Hi - we were in the same boat a couple of months ago. My husband has two children, aged 13 and 11 from a previous marriage. The eldest hasn't spoken to him for 18 months (ex-wifes influence!) but he has a great relationship with his 11 year old who refuses to be influenced (has a few difficulties but not with speaking his mind!) OH told his children once we had the visa and planned our dates to go. He wrote both kids a notelet and also sat down with his son and explained the reasons for our plans (he explained about children grown up, leave home, less dependent on parents etc etc and that we needed to plan for our retirement and look for a better life for that). There were tears but to be honest he didn't really comprehend what it meant. His daughter received his notelet - nothing !! No emotion, conversation no nothing! OH also wrote a letter to his ex-wife (fraught relationship!) explaining what we were doing and how he intends to keep in contact etc etc etc. This happended approx 3 months prior to our departure - the kids don't go anywhere other than Morrisons and town with their mother so we had to ensure his son did even more with us than he had ever done before. We planned day trips (he won't sleep over), took him to London, the Lake District, Blackpool, Flamingo Land etc - we crammed as much in as possible for him to enjoy good, quality and fun times with his dad (and me!), we took lots of photographs for memories. Before we left we had decided to get married so he played a big part in that and our leaving party. He got really upset at our leaving party (1 week before we left) and this then really had hit home for him. We bought a couple of small gifts for the kids including a teddy bear for cuddles when they missed their dad. We also gave him a photo album of some of our days out. We are now here and they are in the UK - we ring via Skype 3 times a week and that helps - the seeing of each other definately gets them through not seeing each other. They both give cuddles via the webcam. It is hard telling them but kids are resilient and with lots of love and support they will be fine. The assurance of fabbo holidays works a treat too! Good luck in telling them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sooveroz Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Hi Guys, We (My new wife & I) are moving to Oz in the next 3 years and I have 2 boyz from a previous. I have told the Mum we are going but not the boyz yet, and have asked her not to say owt yet, My question is when do I tell them? sooner than later? one is 12 and the other is 6. This is so hard, anyone been here before and what did you do. Thanks Scottie Help!!! a difficult situation to be in. even if they are not going, they will still need the medicals etc so they will need to be informed when you are at that stage. I'd be tempted to tell them before you start telling others of your plans - it will be harder for them if they hear it from someone else. And no matter what anyone says, if you tell even one person, they will tell one person who will tell one person who will tell one person etc etc and it will get out. good luck with it - its a situation i would dread being in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peeka Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 a difficult situation to be in. even if they are not going, they will still need the medicals etc so they will need to be informed when you are at that stage. My husbands kids didnt need medicals........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest singlemum Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Children will end up hating the parent (as we did)., sad though it is. Parenting is a commitment not for people to do what they want on a whim! Like this post or hate it it's my opinion from experience! How can you say "Will end up hating you"? Why not "may" ... it is something for this man to consider, not something that will undoubtably come true. I think this man has enough to contend with without people, and it is not just you telling him this will, without fail ruin his kids lives. You don't know him or his kids .. as I have said in a previous post, this "could" be the best thing for his family .. he has his reasons and I am sure he will find out. What he needs is support and answers. Yes the truth too .. but not in the form where you are telling him that there is only one ending to this story. I too get very cross when people are so single minded about families .. they take on many forms and can work in many ways. :twitcy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 How can you say "Will end up hating you"? Why not "may" ... it is something for this man to consider, not something that will undoubtably come true. I think this man has enough to contend with without people, and it is not just you telling him this will, without fail ruin his kids lives. You don't know him or his kids .. as I have said in a previous post, this "could" be the best thing for his family .. he has his reasons and I am sure he will find out. What he needs is support and answers. Yes the truth too .. but not in the form where you are telling him that there is only one ending to this story. I too get very cross when people are so single minded about families .. they take on many forms and can work in many ways. :twitcy: Proud of your post, well said. It could well be the OP would be better off financially to be able to enjoy his children more on extended holidays , who knows what the full story is but I admire him for asking for an opinion and wish him well for thinking out his plans well in advance :wubclub: Susie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest itskaren Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Proud of your post, well said. It could well be the OP would be better off financially to be able to enjoy his children more on extended holidays , who knows what the full story is but I admire him for asking for an opinion and wish him well for thinking out his plans well in advance :wubclub: Susie I too admire the OP for asking people's opinion. It is a tough decision. I have given mine whether you like it or not!:mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wanderer Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by itskaren Children will end up hating the parent (as we did)., sad though it is. Parenting is a commitment not for people to do what they want on a whim! Like this post or hate it it's my opinion from experience! How can you say "Will end up hating you"? Why not "may" ... it is something for this man to consider, not something that will undoubtably come true. I think this man has enough to contend with without people, and it is not just you telling him this will, without fail ruin his kids lives. You don't know him or his kids .. as I have said in a previous post, this "could" be the best thing for his family .. he has his reasons and I am sure he will find out. What he needs is support and answers. Yes the truth too .. but not in the form where you are telling him that there is only one ending to this story. I too get very cross when people are so single minded about families .. they take on many forms and can work in many ways. I'm not giving thanks on a thread like this for there is no good nor bad in family issues other than it would probably be best if all stayed happily lovingly together but we know that doesn't happen and as Single Mum says they can all have different forms. There can be some where violence may make one parent and the children safer and happier. I do feel though that in the balance of most family situations [without violence a factor]the emotions of children in a situation where one parent departs to the other side of the planet or far enough away not to be a regular physically involved factor in their life will range from feeling abandoned and eventual disinterest to disliking, detesting, anger and yes even hatred; maybe too strong a word but be it will or may that itskaren has used, that is a play on words and a feeling expressed from experience and one should not be criticised for expressing it . What he needs is support and answers. Yes the truth too .. but not in the form where you are telling him that there is only one ending to this story. The ending may be different SM but there is always an ending, even if to different chapters and supporting someone as you say can take all forms. Personally, I feel childrens emotions are more likely to range from neutral disillusionment/disinterest to dislike or worse more so than there being a warm caring association that will usually come from only great friendship within a family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jayde Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 my take... tell them of your plans while they are in the future, include them in discussing what moving means, if you were moving within the country it would affect them, this is bigger. Having a good communication with their mother is probably one of the most important as you need her support in ensuring the children feel loved and wanted by both of you. They need to know that you are not leaving "them", they are your children, that you love and will be there for them. Geographically it may be difficult with costs and time zones and it will take a lot of hard work for you to keep the communication and visits to keep the relationship strong. If it were me, Id be making sure any promise I made, I would not renege on. Sure children are strong and adapt, but these are "your" children and you only want what is best for them, I'm sure Best wishes, I hope it works out well for you all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bellie Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Hi I don't have children so can't comment from experience. But I would just like to add that I miss my friends children like crazy. So much that it hurts and can easily contribute to my homesickness and these are not my children. I knew I would miss them before we left but I did not realise just how much it would actually hurt. Yes we have skype so I get to see them but in some ways that can be worse as you see them growing up and changing and I just want to be with them to see them growing day by day and to give them a big cuddle and to be there when they have have big events in their lives such as first day at school etc. Please just think very carefully about your decision and what you will be giving up, like I say Skype etc can be great but it is not the same as physically being there and listening to the adventures of their day etc B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sooveroz Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 a difficult situation to be in. even if they are not going, they will still need the medicals etc so they will need to be informed when you are at that stage. My husbands kids didnt need medicals........ my friend and her husband emigrated here 3 years ago and at the time, he had two children aged 7 and 9 in the UK. they had to get full medicals and be on his application even though he wasnt bringing them - they said it was in case he got citizenship and then tried to bring them over and there was something wrong with one of them that would present a burden in australia. i assumed that was the norm as i have read on other posts that people had to get medicals for their children even tho no plans for them to emigrate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest itskaren Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Quote:- I do feel though that in the balance of most family situations [without violence a factor]the emotions of children in a situation where one parent departs to the other side of the planet or far enough away not to be a regular physically involved factor in their life will range from feeling abandoned and eventual disinterest to disliking, detesting, anger and yes even hatred; maybe too strong a word but be it will or may that itskaren has used, that is a play on words and a feeling expressed from experience and one should not be criticised for expressing it . Of course families split up for lots of reasons, and violence could be one of them and then the children would be better off. However, I still say that abandoning your children to go to the other side of the world is selfish!!!! At least if you stay in the same country you can keep in touch more easily and hopefully will not have the same effect as it did on us hating my father and him dying a very lonely middle aged man because of his selfish decisions. And yes I do mean hate.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest31881 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Quote:- I still say that abandoning your children to go to the other side of the world is selfish!!!! . I dont think the poster has any intention of 'Abandoning the children' Abandoning the children is what my first wife did ...... She went to a Christmas party, disapeared for two days and then phoned me at 4.15am to tell me she was in Canada. she left to be with her internet lover. I had to raise the children and try to explain to them what had happened. That is abandoning your children. I beleive that the poster wants to involve the children in his move and although he is moving across the globe he wants to know the best way to explain to his kids what he is doing and why. I wish my children had been given that oppourtunity by their mother. We do not know the personal circumstances of the posters position and I try not to judge anyones circumstances.. As the saying goes... been there, done that got the tee shirt....... What the poster is doing may not be right in some peoples eyes and I would imagine he has agonised over his decision, but by wanting to explain to his kids, he is showing that he loves them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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