Where do you draw the line? Anyone In a similar boat?

[aconcannon]

I’m having one of those days where the complications that come with living on the other side of the world are really getting to me...

 

My hubby & I have been happily living in Australia for just over 2.5 years. During that time we’ve been home twice - once for a planned holiday & once for a funeral. I’m exceptionally close to my small family - parents, brother & a teenage niece & nephew. My hubby on the other hand sadly has a very strained relationship with his family. My parents aren’t in the best of health & I worry that I need to make the effort to see them now, before it’s too late & I regret it. They can’t/won’t fly to Australia so the pressure is on us to keep going back there.

 

It does annoy me saving all of my annual leave & parting with large amounts of money to go back to the UK when there are a zillion places in the Southern Hemisphere we’re keen to visit, so much so my hubby has said that after the trip in July we have booked he doesn’t want to go back for at least 3 years. I’m happy to travel back alone but if I was to do that he’d still suffer as I’d have very little (if any) annual leave to go somewhere else on holiday with him so it doesn’t really help the situation.

 

I feel torn. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? It would be so much easier if my family could come here.

 

 

[Bulya]

1 hour ago, aconcannon said:

1 hour ago, aconcannon said:

 

I’m having one of those days where the complications that come with living on the other side of the world are really getting to me...

 

My hubby & I have been happily living in Australia for just over 2.5 years. During that time we’ve been home twice - once for a planned holiday & once for a funeral. I’m exceptionally close to my small family - parents, brother & a teenage niece & nephew. My hubby on the other hand sadly has a very strained relationship with his family. My parents aren’t in the best of health & I worry that I need to make the effort to see them now, before it’s too late & I regret it. They can’t/won’t fly to Australia so the pressure is on us to keep going back there.

 

It does annoy me saving all of my annual leave & parting with large amounts of money to go back to the UK when there are a zillion places in the Southern Hemisphere we’re keen to visit, so much so my hubby has said that after the trip in July we have booked he doesn’t want to go back for at least 3 years. I’m happy to travel back alone but if I was to do that he’d still suffer as I’d have very little (if any) annual leave to go somewhere else on holiday with him so it doesn’t really help the situation.

 

I feel torn. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? It would be so much easier if my family could come here.

 

 

Migrated yet expected to keep racing back to the UK was/is never going to work.  You need to decide if you want to be there or here 

Edited March 23, 2018 by Bulya
Grammar

[themaccas]

Oh my goodness I feel I could have written this post except neither hubby or I are particularly close to our families but our children miss their extended family. We have been back 6 times in 5 years (not all of us together but this has been mainly due to poor health of our parents and subsequent funerals) and have booked a trip back to the U.K. this November. I have said this is the last one for a long time, we want to see the rest of the Southern Hemisphere too and the family have all agreed. We love it here in Aus and there is nothing I want more than to go and visit Broome, the Kimberley’s etc!! Besides which each trip back eats so much into our leave and it feels like going back isn’t a holiday but becoming a obligation. I think you have to say to yourself that’s enough, make the decision and use Skype!

[Booma]

I skype with my parents a couple of times a week. one call a week they read stories to my little ones & sing songs etc & the other time is mostly mum & me talking clothes & cooking & whatever. it works really well for us & i feel like it keeps us all present in each other's lives. it's hard if your parents wont come & see you at all but then i suppose if you keep going to them theres really no reason for them to make the effort.

[aconcannon]

I skype with my parents a couple of times a week. one call a week they read stories to my little ones & sing songs etc & the other time is mostly mum & me talking clothes & cooking & whatever. it works really well for us & i feel like it keeps us all present in each other's lives. it's hard if your parents wont come & see you at all but then i suppose if you keep going to them theres really no reason for them to make the effort.

 

My husband says exactly the same, if we keep going there then they won’t come here. In fairness my mum isn’t really able enough for the trip but my dad could come, he just wouldn’t come without my mum. My mums brother lives in Melbourne & he sadly passed away a few weeks back. I thought she may have bit the bullet & come over to say her goodbyes but she never - so basically we’ve got no hope! It’s tough hey!

[Guest]

I've gone back for visits every 18 months or so. Both times with child but no husband. I would be fine not going so often tbh but I am happy to make the effort also. However, the visits have been shorter each time as I just can't hack a month there. Its too long. I love my parents but I can squish in seeing them for 1-2 weeks, and catch up with a few friends, see a few sights and be happy to head back after 2-3 weeks. 

 Its been ok for me as I am self employed so can work around the leave part. If I was employed it would be more tricky for sure and I probably wouldn't go back as often. I plan to keep visiting every 18 months or so (edited to add - I'd happily not go back at all were it not for my parents as I don't miss the UK at all one bit) but this year we've just bought a new car and a couple of other big spends so I've said to my parents we won't be back till the 2 year mark or a bit after, perhaps 2.5 years. Its how it is and I don't dwell on it. No point as it won't help anything. We just all live our lives and time passes. I'm used to going for extended periods of time not seeing them at all (and this in the days before skype and even long distance phone calls being a cheap deal so it was once a month for 10 mins was it!). 

FWIW I think its always going to be a struggle for you if you are close to your family. You will probably have to learn to live with it and be prepared for the extended periods of time not seeing them. Skype and facetime are great. As is a short trip back on a bargain bucket flight. Its not ideal but if it gets you through and doesn't eat up all your leave, flying out on a Friday evening and arriving back on a Sunday, so having a full week in the UK is doable now and again. Thus only using say 5 days of annual leave. And if you can work it into a week where there is a public holiday, even better, only using 4 days up. Or just make less trips, every second year and have the southern hemisphere holiday in the alternating years

I don't think as a migrant, unless you are in the very well off in terms of income and annual leave you can really have your cake and eat it in terms of visits to the homeland. Something has to give for most of us and we have to work out what that is and accept and deal with it and in the longer term, be ok living with it. 

[aconcannon]

Oh my goodness I feel I could have written this post except neither hubby or I are particularly close to our families but our children miss their extended family. We have been back 6 times in 5 years (not all of us together but this has been mainly due to poor health of our parents and subsequent funerals) and have booked a trip back to the U.K. this November. I have said this is the last one for a long time, we want to see the rest of the Southern Hemisphere too and the family have all agreed. We love it here in Aus and there is nothing I want more than to go and visit Broome, the Kimberley’s etc!! Besides which each trip back eats so much into our leave and it feels like going back isn’t a holiday but becoming a obligation. I think you have to say to yourself that’s enough, make the decision and use Skype!

 

Gee that must be a tough one if it’s your kids wanting to back. It’s nice they want to keep that contact but not so great on your purse strings or annual leave allowance! I talk on the phone to my mum for in excess of half an hour every Monday - Friday when I commute to work so I definitely feel like I have plenty of contact, but I do still worry there will be a day when they aren’t here & I’ll regret all the opportunities I had to go & see them & chose not to. It’s really tough. I just wish they’d take it in turns to come here. I’ve chatted soooo many times to my parents explaining the strain they put on us by refusing to come here. We don’t have children yet but that’s another issue I raised with my mum. Her answer to everything is that she’ll pay for mine & my hubbys flight tickets every other year in exchange for not coming here...she doesn’t really ‘get it’.

[silencio]

We have saved up very hard and used unpaid leave (partly) last year as haven't back for 5 years and wanted to stay for at least 4 weeks with our families to make up for all those years.

We also wanted to see more from Australia which we did because this is such a vast and beautiful country. Speak to your employer and ask for unpaid leave as many understand the 'special' needs of immigrants mainly because they come from migrant families, too.

Our parents were healthy but you never know what life throws at you, it could be a sudden accident etc. A guilty conscience is not helpful as a migrant, try to make up the missed time with Skype, phone calls, WhatsApp etc.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, aconcannon said:

 

Gee that must be a tough one if it’s your kids wanting to back. It’s nice they want to keep that contact but not so great on your purse strings or annual leave allowance! I talk on the phone to my mum for in excess of half an hour every Monday - Friday when I commute to work so I definitely feel like I have plenty of contact, but I do still worry there will be a day when they aren’t here & I’ll regret all the opportunities I had to go & see them & chose not to. It’s really tough. I just wish they’d take it in turns to come here. I’ve chatted soooo many times to my parents explaining the strain they put on us by refusing to come here. We don’t have children yet but that’s another issue I raised with my mum. Her answer to everything is that she’ll pay for mine & my hubbys flight tickets every other year in exchange for not coming here...she doesn’t really ‘get it’.

Could you not meet elsewhere for holidays? So a week in Asia together somewhere say and then you go on elsewhere for another week. If they still go on holiday overseas perhaps they'd consider a 10 day trip to Thailand or some place, in a nice resort. At least you'd get to go elsewhere on your hols. 

[silencio]

If money is an issue one of my friends took on a 2nd job for a certain period of time to fit in her 6 weeks partly unpaid leave to cover for the costs here in Australia and back home.

[aconcannon]

Could you not meet elsewhere for holidays? So a week in Asia together somewhere say and then you go on elsewhere for another week. If they still go on holiday overseas perhaps they'd consider a 10 day trip to Thailand or some place, in a nice resort. At least you'd get to go elsewhere on your hols. 

Mum won’t fly unfortunately, which is frustrating as I went long haul as a child every single year growing up, my parents have even been to Australia twice before but sadly ever since we stared our paperwork to emigrate she decided to stop flying & much to my dad’s despair she hasn’t been on a plane since - that was 4 years ago! She’s never said “I don’t want you to move” but I think that must be what it boiled down to & she’s too stubborn to back track now we have made the move. I’ve suggested numerous times meeting somewhere for a holiday & the answers I get every time are “we’ll meet you in Europe as we can drive there” or “we’ll just pay for your flights home”. It’s a loosing battle sadly!

[aconcannon]

If money is an issue one of my friends took on a 2nd job for a certain period of time to fit in her 6 weeks partly unpaid leave to cover for the costs here in Australia and back home.

Money isn’t the issue luckily as my parents keep offering to pay for our flights, we’ve let them pay for 1 out of 3 trips. Although saying that we do still spend money back at home as we’ve got friends and family all over the country so end up paying for lots of other flights / trains etc which all adds up. I’d much rather spend than money on something else though.

[aconcannon]

We have saved up very hard and used unpaid leave (partly) last year as haven't back for 5 years and wanted to stay for at least 4 weeks with our families to make up for all those years.
We also wanted to see more from Australia which we did because this is such a vast and beautiful country. Speak to your employer and ask for unpaid leave as many understand the 'special' needs of immigrants mainly because they come from migrant families, too.
Our parents were healthy but you never know what life throws at you, it could be a sudden accident etc. A guilty conscience is not helpful as a migrant, try to make up the missed time with Skype, phone calls, WhatsApp etc.

You’re right. A guilty conscience definitely isn’t helpful as a migrant and it’s something I’ve struggled with since we moved here. My parents have never once tried to make me feel guilty but I can see how us moving has played such a drastic part in how their lives have changed. I talk to mum on the phone every single morning when I commute to work Monday to Friday & I’m glad that I do that, I wouldn’t say I miss them but I know how much they miss us & I feel bad for that...just my personality I guess.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, aconcannon said:

 

Money isn’t the issue luckily as my parents keep offering to pay for our flights, we’ve let them pay for 1 out of 3 trips. Although saying that we do still spend money back at home as we’ve got friends and family all over the country so end up paying for lots of other flights / trains etc which all adds up. I’d much rather spend than money on something else though.

 

I go out from we took the time to travel all the way over there, you can sure as hell find time to come visit us, not us go to you. The only time I'll go travel to see friends now is to see one of my closest friends since childhood and we go stay with them for a few days which is lovely. But running round to see everyone else, not anymore. I know from long back that its always the person coming back makes all the effort and tbh, am well over that and the expense and time it takes out of a trip. And if it happens every time you go back, nah, I'd soon short shift that and stop doing it. I'll plan to meet up somewhere for a day trip if it works into plans to see friends but am long done with going out of my way or it always being the effort and cost on my side, not theirs. 

[aconcannon]

I've gone back for visits every 18 months or so. Both times with child but no husband. I would be fine not going so often tbh but I am happy to make the effort also. However, the visits have been shorter each time as I just can't hack a month there. Its too long. I love my parents but I can squish in seeing them for 1-2 weeks, and catch up with a few friends, see a few sights and be happy to head back after 2-3 weeks. 
 Its been ok for me as I am self employed so can work around the leave part. If I was employed it would be more tricky for sure and I probably wouldn't go back as often. I plan to keep visiting every 18 months or so (edited to add - I'd happily not go back at all were it not for my parents as I don't miss the UK at all one bit) but this year we've just bought a new car and a couple of other big spends so I've said to my parents we won't be back till the 2 year mark or a bit after, perhaps 2.5 years. Its how it is and I don't dwell on it. No point as it won't help anything. We just all live our lives and time passes. I'm used to going for extended periods of time not seeing them at all (and this in the days before skype and even long distance phone calls being a cheap deal so it was once a month for 10 mins was it!). 
FWIW I think its always going to be a struggle for you if you are close to your family. You will probably have to learn to live with it and be prepared for the extended periods of time not seeing them. Skype and facetime are great. As is a short trip back on a bargain bucket flight. Its not ideal but if it gets you through and doesn't eat up all your leave, flying out on a Friday evening and arriving back on a Sunday, so having a full week in the UK is doable now and again. Thus only using say 5 days of annual leave. And if you can work it into a week where there is a public holiday, even better, only using 4 days up. Or just make less trips, every second year and have the southern hemisphere holiday in the alternating years [emoji4]
I don't think as a migrant, unless you are in the very well off in terms of income and annual leave you can really have your cake and eat it in terms of visits to the homeland. Something has to give for most of us and we have to work out what that is and accept and deal with it and in the longer term, be ok living with it. 

You’re exactly right & I think that’s part of the problem - I want my cake! I’m very fortunate that my parents are happy to pay for our flights every other year so they don’t have to come here, but like you I have no interest in the UK whatsoever other than for seeing family & each time we’ve been back I’m definitely glad to leave & to return to Sydney. A trip every 18 months or so has always been my plan too but my husband is right & going back all of the time isn’t going to help us to settle or to buy a house or to explore the Southern Hemisphere. We can’t do everything! We don’t have children yet but when we do I dread to think how much guilt I’ll harbour for not taking them back home every year to see their grandparents!

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, aconcannon said:

 

Mum won’t fly unfortunately, which is frustrating as I went long haul as a child every single year growing up, my parents have even been to Australia twice before but sadly ever since we stared our paperwork to emigrate she decided to stop flying & much to my dad’s despair she hasn’t been on a plane since - that was 4 years ago! She’s never said “I don’t want you to move” but I think that must be what it boiled down to & she’s too stubborn to back track now we have made the move. I’ve suggested numerous times meeting somewhere for a holiday & the answers I get every time are “we’ll meet you in Europe as we can drive there” or “we’ll just pay for your flights home”. It’s a loosing battle sadly!

 

I think its one you may have to either accept on their terms then or make some of your own and go live your lives a bit more for yourselves. I know its hard but I don't see why people should carry guilt over choosing to migrate. Even more so if their family are supportive of the move. It comes down to us having different personalities and how we cope with things and that good old dollop of selfishness I think migrants need. 

Its a shame your Mum has taken to this since you started down the migration path as its clearly not been an issue till then. 

 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, aconcannon said:

 

You’re exactly right & I think that’s part of the problem - I want my cake! I’m very fortunate that my parents are happy to pay for our flights every other year so they don’t have to come here, but like you I have no interest in the UK whatsoever other than for seeing family & each time we’ve been back I’m definitely glad to leave & to return to Sydney. A trip every 18 months or so has always been my plan too but my husband is right & going back all of the time isn’t going to help us to settle or to buy a house or to explore the Southern Hemisphere. We can’t do everything! We don’t have children yet but when we do I dread to think how much guilt I’ll harbour for not taking them back home every year to see their grandparents!

 

Our son was born in the UK and didn't see most of one side of his family including one of the grandparents and his great grandparents till he was 2.5 when we came over for a holiday. Next time was when we moved and he was 5. It just wasn't affordable or practical to do trips every year to Aus. Even my Aus hubby was ok with this as we simply couldn't do it all. More so as they get older and school comes along, plus social lives and so on. I could well end up not going back at all for a few years now and it will just be that way and we will deal with it. I don't beat myself up over it or feel bad about it, it is just how it is. Life happens wherever you are. 

You perhaps need to work on the guilt feelings and to perhaps make a call to make trips every second year if affordable. I don't think yearly, especially when kids come along is realistic. 

[aconcannon]

I go out from we took the time to travel all the way over there, you can sure as hell find time to come visit us, not us go to you. The only time I'll go travel to see friends now is to see one of my closest friends since childhood and we go stay with them for a few days which is lovely. But running round to see everyone else, not anymore. I know from long back that its always the person coming back makes all the effort and tbh, am well over that and the expense and time it takes out of a trip. And if it happens every time you go back, nah, I'd soon short shift that and stop doing it. I'll plan to meet up somewhere for a day trip if it works into plans to see friends but am long done with going out of my way or it always being the effort and cost on my side, not theirs. 

So true! My husband said the same when we were back in October for a month when my grandma passed away. In fairness it was very different circumstances then & we didn’t have a great deal of time to travel all over the country seeing people. Surprise surprise nobody came to see us so we shall definitely be making no effort this coming July with them said people! I actually feel pretty narked with my brother, which is what started my upset off today. We’re back in the UK this summer for 8 weeks (long story). My brother lives in Ireland. We’ve booked to go over there for 5 nights but mainly to see other older relatives who live there who can’t travel to England but we’ll be staying at his house. My brother & his family are coming to England for my cousins wedding. I’ve been suggesting for months & months that we should organise a family trip to Europe, he was game but my sister in law not so much. I got tired of trying to plan something as my sister in law kept being difficult so I left the ball in their court. My sister in law has since booked a family trip to Spain & hasn’t invited me or my husband. That means the 2 weeks they had planned to be in England for to attend the wedding & see us have been slashed in half. I feel as though we’re making all this effort to go there yet they don’t make any effort for us...or should I say my sister in law!

[Guest]

1 minute ago, aconcannon said:

 

So true! My husband said the same when we were back in October for a month when my grandma passed away. In fairness it was very different circumstances then & we didn’t have a great deal of time to travel all over the country seeing people. Surprise surprise nobody came to see us so we shall definitely be making no effort this coming July with them said people! I actually feel pretty narked with my brother, which is what started my upset off today. We’re back in the UK this summer for 8 weeks (long story). My brother lives in Ireland. We’ve booked to go over there for 5 nights but mainly to see other older relatives who live there who can’t travel to England but we’ll be staying at his house. My brother & his family are coming to England for my cousins wedding. I’ve been suggesting for months & months that we should organise a family trip to Europe, he was game but my sister in law not so much. I got tired of trying to plan something as my sister in law kept being difficult so I left the ball in their court. My sister in law has since booked a family trip to Spain & hasn’t invited me or my husband. That means the 2 weeks they had planned to be in England for to attend the wedding & see us have been slashed in half. I feel as though we’re making all this effort to go there yet they don’t make any effort for us...or should I say my sister in law!

 

Families eh 

I think you've gone way above and beyond tbh. I must admit, I'd not be jumping through hoops at the thought of a 2 week holiday with some of my husbands side of the family (lovely people, just can't spend big chunks of time with them, let alone a week or 2 on holiday somewhere, not my idea of a good time at all) so can understand perhaps why your SIL is avoiding doing the same. 

Can I ask, did you see much of all your extended family and older relatives much before you migrated? As in annual visits or stays. If not, I'd not make the effort every time you make a trip back. Focus on your nearest and dearest over great uncles or aunts or second cousins you only saw once a year. 

Sounds to me like you are trying to see everyone when its not everyone you really *need* to see. Or spend your precious vacations days on. Prioritise. If that means you get a bit tougher on who you spend time with, do so. 

[aconcannon]

Families eh 
I think you've gone way above and beyond tbh. I must admit, I'd not be jumping through hoops at the thought of a 2 week holiday with some of my husbands side of the family (lovely people, just can't spend big chunks of time with them, let alone a week or 2 on holiday somewhere, not my idea of a good time at all) so can understand perhaps why your SIL is avoiding doing the same. 
Can I ask, did you see much of all your extended family and older relatives much before you migrated? As in annual visits or stays. If not, I'd not make the effort every time you make a trip back. Focus on your nearest and dearest over great uncles or aunts or second cousins you only saw once a year. 
Sounds to me like you are trying to see everyone when its not everyone you really *need* to see. Or spend your precious vacations days on. Prioritise. If that means you get a bit tougher on who you spend time with, do so. 

Really enjoying talking to you - you make so much sense! Hubby says exactly the same that we needn’t bother going over to Ireland to see these relatives. We didn’t see any of them on our previous 2 trips but figured we would this time as we have 8 weeks to fill. My parents aren’t super agile so after a week of sitting around the house I’m ready to tear my hair out. The flights were only cheap & it would be nice to see the older ones, but I won’t be making that trip again for a good few years!
The situation with my sister in law though is a funny one. She’s generally quite a competitive & jealous person. She’s always wanted to move abroad somewhere hotter but due to my brothers work & the kids it’s not on the cards for them any time soon. I know she’s bitter we’ve got the life she wants & she makes it so obvious which is a massive shame! Both 2 times we’ve been back she’s gone out of her way to make plans difficult. She’ll happily holiday in the UK once or twice or year with my parents, and with us too before we emigrated but since we’ve moved here that seems to have changed!

[Quoll]

We were fortunate in that my parents did spend 6 months every year in Australia for 16 years until they were too old to make the trip. However, I think as the leaver ultimately it behoves you to make the trip back to keep the connection. Why should you expect anyone to come and visit you? It’s a long flight, it’s expensive and, as you get older, travel insurance is a nightmare. You’re very lucky your parents are prepared to pay your flights, that’s very generous of them.

After my olds couldn’t travel (they stopped at 80) I went back as often as I wanted and the DH’s commitment was to make sure there was enough cash in the bank for me to do so. Twice in some years, maybe every 9 months on average towards the end before we decided to stay. Before that and when the kids were little we made it back every 18 months or so (usually just me and the kids).

I don’t get, either, why you expect other people to nip around after you when you get back. You leave, the hole you leave in their lives fill over and you’re not a priority. You want to see them then go and see them. I always used to use that as an excuse to get my fill of the wonderful country and stock up with memories to see me through until my next sanity hit. I’m without siblings so no jealousy from sisters in law but I can’t imagine wanting to go on holidays with a sibling anyway - do people really do that when they’re adult? I didn’t know! but maybe your s-I-l has her own plans and is ticked off that yours are supposed to take precedence?

There will be plenty of time when they’re dead for you to explore all those local places you haven’t yet got to. Your folk won’t last forever.  It’s just one of those things that happen when you decide to live on the other side of the world.

[aconcannon]

We were fortunate in that my parents did spend 6 months every year in Australia for 16 years until they were too old to make the trip. However, I think as the leaver ultimately it behoves you to make the trip back to keep the connection. Why should you expect anyone to come and visit you? It’s a long flight, it’s expensive and, as you get older, travel insurance is a nightmare. You’re very lucky your parents are prepared to pay your flights, that’s very generous of them.
After my olds couldn’t travel (they stopped at 80) I went back as often as I wanted and the DH’s commitment was to make sure there was enough cash in the bank for me to do so. Twice in some years, maybe every 9 months on average towards the end before we decided to stay. Before that and when the kids were little we made it back every 18 months or so (usually just me and the kids).
I don’t get, either, why you expect other people to nip around after you when you get back. You leave, the hole you leave in their lives fill over and you’re not a priority. You want to see them then go and see them. I always used to use that as an excuse to get my fill of the wonderful country and stock up with memories to see me through until my next sanity hit. I’m without siblings so no jealousy from sisters in law but I can’t imagine wanting to go on holidays with a sibling anyway - do people really do that when they’re adult? I didn’t know! but maybe your s-I-l has her own plans and is ticked off that yours are supposed to take precedence?
There will be plenty of time when they’re dead for you to explore all those local places you haven’t yet got to. Your folk won’t last forever.  It’s just one of those things that happen when you decide to live on the other side of the world.

I completely agree, we made the move over here so yes it is our responsibility to go back there, which is why we have been going back. My parents choose not to come here (even though they visited twice before prior to us emigrating) so it’s just frustrating more than anything they won’t make the effort now. Not just because it saves us the hassle of going there but because we’d love to share our lives with them here. We haven’t expected anybody to visit us back at home except for my grandmothers funeral last year when we were not in a position to be flying all over the country to see people. We bend over backwards ALL the time to accommodate everybody else’s needs / make things easy for them but the favour wasn’t returned that time & so we’ll remember that this UK summer on our trip - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that! And as for my sister in law, we’ve holidayed together every year as a family for a week in the summer and there’s never been an issue...as you don’t know the dynamics of my family & I suspect you wouldn’t want to know either you, you wouldn’t understand the situation!

[Booma]

if my friends couldn't make a small journey to see me after I flew half way round the world to go back to uk I don't think I'd bother thinking of them as friends anymore to be honest. relationship should be a 2 way street. if only one person is making effort I wouldn't think the relationship was worth my effort. Parents are a little different but even so i wouldnt be thinking it was all on me just because I moved. it's different if someone is sick & can't do something than just choosing not to make any effort. it's a bit controlling as well really when you think on it.

[ramot]

I'll post from the alternative side. We the parents retired to Australia 15 years ago after working in Brunei for 10 years. All our 3 were living in UK then. Two of ours then followed us here, but our only 2 young grand children are in UK.  We have gone back to UK almost every year since we moved here, and have paid for our son and family once for them to come here. Would offer more but DIL hates flying, so it's up to us to do the travelling, plus we can go for longer, rather than our son using up his holiday allowance. I certainly wouldn't put any pressure on him to travel here for us, and would hate for him to feel guilty about living so far from us. He has his life to lead.

The best advice we were given when we moved overseas was to rent some where when back in UK on holiday, tell everyone this is where we are if you want to see us. Otherwise you end up rushing around every where and shattered when you leave. It's an eye opener who bothers. But Having said that we have travelled loads when back to catch up with family and friends and are still welcomed back even after 25 years, the welcome does make it worth while really, just tiring.

I think you do feel a certain amount of guilt if you move away from your family, but hardly anyone I know lives anywhere near their children and grandchildren, it's just the way it is these days. If you still have siblings in UK then you do have family back up.We face time regularly with our UK son and grandchildren, sometimes I think we have more contact with them than our 2 in Oz!!!  

So so as a parent please don't feel to obliged or guilty about moving away, most of us just want our children to be happy.

 

Edited March 23, 2018 by ramot

[themaccas]

 
Gee that must be a tough one if it’s your kids wanting to back. It’s nice they want to keep that contact but not so great on your purse strings or annual leave allowance! I talk on the phone to my mum for in excess of half an hour every Monday - Friday when I commute to work so I definitely feel like I have plenty of contact, but I do still worry there will be a day when they aren’t here & I’ll regret all the opportunities I had to go & see them & chose not to. It’s really tough. I just wish they’d take it in turns to come here. I’ve chatted soooo many times to my parents explaining the strain they put on us by refusing to come here. We don’t have children yet but that’s another issue I raised with my mum. Her answer to everything is that she’ll pay for mine & my hubbys flight tickets every other year in exchange for not coming here...she doesn’t really ‘get it’.

The kids actually haven’t been back since we arrived 5 years ago, hubby and I have been back 3 times each separately (sorry I’ve re read my post and it didn’t read quite right), we went back for various reasons sick parents (both of ours) then back again for funerals and I went back to Europe for a conference with a tag-on trip to England. This trip is for the kids who we promised when we came over we would go back after 5 years in Aus. After this one we are done with going back for a long time. Plenty more of the world to see!!!